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How to Win Hearts and Minds the American Way

John Wesley Earp
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How to Win Hearts and Minds the American Way

“First you burn the Qur’ans, then you leave them lying around so that the Afghans can find them,” General Thomas Petersquash, a four star General with the US army told Stars and Stripes magazine.

One thing is for certain, the American strategy in Afghanistan seems to be working wonders.

“They [the Afghans] discovered the burnt Qur’ans yesterday, and now we have a situation on our hands. Like we’ve had two US marines shot to death this morning and hordes of Afghans spilling over the perimeter walls trying to tear us to pieces with their bare hands. I think they’re trying to show us that they love us,” a senior ranking US official said from his bunker deep in a secret location somewhere in Kabul.

Don’t worry, the $5 trillion worth of valuable mineral deposits lying in Afghanistan are still safe as long as the Americans keep a low profile in their bases and contract the work out to sympathetic money hungry locals.

Was Lord Lucan Adopted By Madonna in Africa?

John Wesley Earp
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0
Was Lord Lucan Adopted By Madonna in Africa?

Madonna, who has a penchant for a good African adoption, was said to be ecstatic at her new acquisition.

“I have already got a basement room for my darling little Lucan resplendent with bloodstains all over the walls and a rather dead looking mutilated mannequin for him to play with,” Madonna said from her plush Manhattan apartment yesterday.

The pop star has already adopted three African boys, and her aides disclosed that there was a bidding war for Lucan between Angelina Jolie and herself.

“It was a close call. Team Madonna won this one, we clinched the deal in the morning and were having a Hello photo shoot by the afternoon,” Madonna’s personal assistant, Fabio La Ponce, told Entertainment Weekly.

God: "I Can’t Be Sure Richard Dawkins Does Not Exist"

John Wesley Earp
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0
God: "I Can’t Be Sure Richard Dawkins Does Not Exist"

God told an audience of Oxford students, that he preferred to call himself a believer in Dawkins rather than an unbeliever in the theories of the great Dawkins.

God appeared out of a spark of lightning and sat at the head of the table in dazzling white robes sporting a white flowing beard that looked as if it had been freshly trimmed.

God was taking part in a public “dialogue” at Oxford University at the end of a week which has seen bitter debate about the role of religion in public life in Britain.

The discussion, in Sir Christopher Wren’s Sheldonian Theatre, attracted attention from around the world and the known universe, as well as alternate universes and heaven.

God said that he was “6.9 out of seven” sure of his beliefs.

“I think the probability of a Dawkins existing is very very low,” he added, before disappearing in a flash of thunder to rapturous applause from the assembled students.

Santorum Visits Sanitarium

John Wesley Earp
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0
Santorum Visits Sanitarium

As Republican candidates go, you can’t get more boring and clean-cut than Rick Santorum, that is until today, when he visited a sanitarium on his way to Michigan.

Proprietor and keeper of the CC DeVille Sanitarium, Joel Aburdside, said: “This Italian prick turns up, he keeps talkin’ about abortions, Satan and how we’re going to have to cleanse the nation. He kept babbling about the Pope and Jesus and looking around all wild eyed. Well, I thought to myself this guy ain’t all here. Anyone who starts talking to God and Jesus over their shoulder is clinically insane. We need to intern him for some psychiatric evaluations, stick him in the rubber room, dose him up with some chemical lobotomy shit. Well, we did just that folks, there’s the paisan over there, he’s in cell B7 right now talking about hell’s damnation and how he’s gong to win the presidential elections. You can’t get more crazy than that.”

What was meant to be a routine tour stop has turned out to be a nightmare for Mr Santorum, as he has been interned indefinitely in the sanitarium until he is seen fit to be released maybe in ten or twenty years.

The presidential hopeful’s aides and campaign managers were distraught today and running around like headless chickens.

“Poor bastard went in to the sanitarium and he can’t get out now. This is some bad news for the Republicans,” a chuckling Democrat on Capitol Hill told CBS news.

Charity Chuggers vs Banking Buggers on Britain's High Streets

John Wesley Earp
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1
Charity Chuggers vs Banking Buggers on Britain's High Streets

“It’s like a minefield out here, one minute you get accosted by a manic chugger touting for your credit card details telling you that you are solely responsible for the life and death of every Bangladeshi baby ever born, when out of the bank comes a banking bugger begging for a top up on his bonus so that he can get his vintage Lamborghini Countach serviced next month,” a disgruntled resident of Finchley told the Evening Standard.

Britain’s High Streets are not only blighted by empty shop fronts, betting shops and Tesco stores but they are crawling with menacing legalised and illegal mugging operations.

“You’ve got a choice, you can get your head kicked in by a masked hoodie or you can get chugged to death by a charity mugger or you can have your entire wealth taken from you by a banking bugger. The choice is yours. Choose wisely,” Arthur Grimsdale, 56, said on Stoke Newington High Street, before being brutally assaulted by three chuggers, two banking buggers, a rottweiler and four hoodies.

Osborne Wants to Introduce Tax on Austerity

John Wesley Earp
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1
Osborne Wants to Introduce Tax on Austerity

Speaking at the House of Commons, the Chancellor outlined his new plan to introduce a heavy form of taxation on the austerity drive he has been implementing for the last year.

“In essence, what I am proposing is a taxation on austerity that will make your lives a lot harder and will increase revenue to the government. If you are experiencing severe cuts, loss of essential services and unemployment, we will find a way of taxing you for experiencing these government created situations,” Mr Osborne told MPs on Monday.

Johnnie Melbrooks, 43, who is unemployed, homeless and destitute told Sky news: “I beg your pardon. Did I hear that right? The Chancellor of the Exchequer wants to tax me for being homeless, without a job and basically fucked up? Well, come and get it Georgie boy, put your hand out and I’ll give you a nice steaming turd for your taxation because that is all I have left.”

George Osborne has vowed to bring the new austerity taxation legislation in to fruition by this summer and he claims that this will bring an extra thirty five pence into the overflowing Treasury coffers.

Taxation in Britain under the Coalition government is now the heaviest in the world where it cost £130 to fill a tank of petrol and the assortment of heavy taxation on all forms of income means that workers have to work for 347 days in a year before they make any money for themselves.

Dutch Scientists Create Artificial Meat But Fast Food Joints Say They Created it First

John Wesley Earp
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0
Dutch Scientists Create Artificial Meat But Fast Food Joints Say They Created it First

Dutch scientists who claim they have grown the world’s first sample of artificial meat in a test tube have become a laughing stock amongst the fast food industry.

“We’ve been presenting artificial meat to the public for donkeys years, eh, donkeys ears and bollocks too. You know that rubbery stuff you schlep up and it just disintegrates in your mouth, it’s as artificial as you can get it. Try and leave one of our burgers on a window sill for two years? It will be good as f*cking new, just stick it in a microwave for a few seconds and chow down. If that ain’t artificial I don’t know what is?” marketing manager for McGristle burgers, told CBS.

There is of course one certainty and that is both the scientist created lab meat and fast food burger meat all taste and look like utter shit. Bon Appétit.

New Tesco Value Jobseeker's Allowance is Bestseller

John Wesley Earp
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2
New Tesco Value Jobseeker's Allowance is Bestseller

“This is a great new product in the famous Tesco Value range, that everyone seems to love so much. All you have to do is go to an aisle, pick up a broom and start sweeping the floors for 12 hours straight with no f*cking pay or break. We then tell you to go and clean the toilets, and collect 300 odd trolleys from the car park before you are allowed to go home. Don’t forget to come in the next day and complete the whole process all over again,” a senior manager at Tesco’s head office in Cheshunt told the Daily Mail.

The new Tesco Value Jobseeker’s Allowance is getting Britain moving again according to a government initiative at the Department of Work and Pensions and Tesco superstores.

“We are seeking to engender a work ethic amongst the people of Britain by making them work long hours with no pay and no hope of ever getting a promotion. This is the future for Britain’s unemployed people, who have no hope of ever getting employed to do a paid job. Remember this you idle little shits, you have to work without pay to keep your Job Seekers Allowance, and just think, every time you put a tin can of processed crap onto our shelves, you are enriching our shareholders and board of directors, never f*cking forget that. Every little helps, and slave labour helps a lot,” Tony Mucker, Chief executive of Tesco told BBC reporters before getting into his Maserati, chuckling like a hyena, and speeding out of the Tesco head office’s car park.

Sean Penn Wants U.S. to Give Hawaii Back to Polynesians

John Wesley Earp
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2
Sean Penn Wants U.S. to Give Hawaii Back to Polynesians

Speaking from a political rally just outside his Beverly Hills mansion, the outspoken champagne socialist was determined to prove that his remarks against the people of the Falkland Islands also stood for territories closer to home.

“It’s been some time since I spouted so much tripe from my mouth, but here I go again, two minutes later. Listen, I am going to give away my 150 million dollar fortune to the people of Hawaii – the original Polynesian inhabitants – so that they can fight a war against the United States occupiers. America annexed those islands in 1894 and made it into its 50th state in 1959. I say we give those islands back to the Polynesians and restore their kingdom which we brutally took over. Once the people get their island back I’ll spend the rest of my money giving California back to Mexico. Some people say it already is Mexican, but I want them to give that territory back to the Mexicans for real,” Mr Penn, said at a recent Marxist rally in downtown Beverly Hills.

Penn is currently juggling his activist work with a new role playing alongside ‘Hanoi’ Jane Fonda entitled, ‘Filthy Rich Bored American Actors With a Cause’ which should be ready for release in 2016.

Obama: "Why American Civilians Should Not Be Armed"

John Wesley Earp
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8
Obama: "Why American Civilians Should Not Be Armed"

Speaking from the White House East room, president Obama spoke with reporters from numerous media sources telling them about the benefits of a disarmed America.

“The United States is a heavily armed nation. There is no doubt about that, and we all know of its bloody history of how the gun made America into what it is today. I want Americans to understand that there is no need for ordinary citizens to hold firearms anymore. We are not living in the Wild West anymore, we are not under threat anymore, these reasons are why Change has to come. The Second Amendment under my new regime will be superceded by an amendment that will ensure the safety for all Americans against firearms and themselves. How many people die every year from guns in America? Well, I have the statistics right here. In 1998, 30,708 people in the United States died from firearm-related deaths, in 2011, the numbers are shocking, over 75,000 gun related deaths occurred. Now, we saw what happened in Tucson, Arizona with the near fatal gunshot to a Congresswoman. We need to stop people buying guns. It is going to be my mission to stop you owning a deadly gun, because we have a police force to protect you. Fellow citizens, you don’t need guns no more. Look how safe the UK is without guns. Rest assured it will be my mission to protect you from your own guns, and I will not play around in the next term because I will not need to be re-elected then. I am the incumbent candidate this time, and I will be re-elected because nothing sticks to me. They call me ‘Teflon Barry’. You guys don’t have shit on me, I’m magic, I’m invincible and you Repugnants, excuse me, I mean Republicans, can kiss my indignant, perfect, half-caste ass. You’re going to wait in the sidelines for another four years. Just wait and see. What chance do your Mormon and other candidates have?”

The question is, what happens if an American refuses to give up his firearms?

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