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September to be Renamed '9/11 Month'

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Speaking at the hallowed ground of ground zero, Mayor Blumburger said: “Ten Septembers ago a tragedy befell America where 4,000 people died in the twin towers. This is why we’re renaming the month of September, ‘911 month’ because that is exactly what it is. The question is folks. Cui bono? Who benefitted from that attack on that fateful day? It certainly was not any Arab nation or Muslims who are now a pariah around the world. Think to yourself for one second, what did 911 allow America to do? I’ll tell you, many things like invading oil rich countries, shutting down civil liberties and creating a mass of jingoistic nationalism amongst Americans. They didn’t scramble one Air Force jet that day. Why? It was the precursor for the Project for the New American Century, which was written way before the tragedy of 911 ever happened. The people who wrote the PNAC were asking for a new Pearl Harbour, a catalyst, they wanted it, they prayed for it. Ask yourselves again, for one second, who gained from the demolition of the towers? This is why September will be renamed because we want everyone to remember what happened to us. What you saw that day is imbedded in your brain, it is etched like a Leonardo Da Vinci masterpiece deep in your lobes. Everywhere you look, the media utters the words, every media source is on permanent 911 loop, you cannot escape from it. Repetition, repetition, repetition. It is the old Soviet trick they are utilising, to bore it into your brain. Never mind that there were far worse tragedies meted out onto lesser beings (i.e. non-Americans). Look at the Japanese, a hardy people who have had two atomic weapons dropped on them, massive tsunamis, powerstation leaks and earthquakes. You do not hear a whimper from these people. They get on with their lives, they do not ask for people to feel sorry for them or plaster the world’s media with their misery. I look at the Japanese, and I bow my head with respect. They are not blubbering cry babies, they are hardy warriors who get on with their lives and do not pollute the air waves with their constant memorials. I’m off to play a round of golf right now, to get on with my life, and urge you all to do the same.”

American politicians and historians are thus proposing that the world adopts ‘911 Month’ replacing September which was originally derived from the Latin, septem meaning “seven” and septimus “seventh”.

September was in fact the seventh month of the Roman calendar until 153 BC, when the first month changed from Kalendas Martius (1 March) to Kalendas Januarius (1 January).

From now on September will be rubbed from calendars worldwide and replaced by ‘911 month’. Never forget, and if you do, they will make you remember.

Ben Bernanke Worse than Gordon Brown

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“Whenever Bernanke speaks, markets tank. It’s good if you’re a bear but equities always take a nosedive if this guy even utters a word. He’s worse than Gordon Brown, and that’s saying something,” a trader at the NYSE told the Financial Times.

Bernanke Speaks Stock Market Weeps

Bernanke is a surefire shorters champion because of his ability to drop the Dow and S&P without fail. President Obama comes up with the anti-business policies that are ruining America’s fragile economy further and his Fed Chairman comes out with the flaccid speeches that drop markets by huge percentage points each time.

“I don’t think Bernanke knows what it is like to speak and see the Dow soar 300 points in twenty seconds. When he walks onto the podium and breathes on the mic, the markets tumble by 400 points. He is the anti-Midas Fed Chairman, we should just throw rotten haddock at the fucker every time he steps up to make a shit announcement. These socialists don’t know anything about money,” another frustrated trader said.

U.S. Can't Afford to Pay to Print More Money

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“We’re asking congress to raise the debt ceiling so we can buy ink and paper to print more dollars so we can then pay for the ink and paper we just printed,” Dan Fenster, a U.S. Federal Reserve worker told the Washington Times.

With a U.S. deficit of $20 trillion and a president still on holiday, things are getting hard for the economy.

“We need to print some more greenbacks or we won’t be able to pay for social security or salaries for our soldiers killing people in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those boys and gals need their money. Shooting people is a hard job, we want them to get paid for that,” Congressman, Richard Anus (D) told CNN.

President Obama was expected to ask for another debt ceiling increase when he comes back from Martha’s Vineyard in October.

Credit Crunch 2 Coming to a Deserted Cinema Near You

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The film centres around a sleepy Greek village where farmers have long siestas all day and receive huge EU subsidies to have fields with nothing growing on them.

During the second part of the film’s action scene, the EU subsidised £1.5 billion Athens metro network comes into focus as the Greek passengers who don’t pay tax, get on a train without bothering to buy a ticket and ride around the whole of Athens for free in an air conditioned, plasma screened luxury carriage.

“What struck me about this movie was the astounding cost of the film. It cost 23 trillion euros to make and the movie itself hasn’t sold one ticket,” Archie Chipper, a film critic for the Evening Sub-Standard wrote in his weekly column.

The denouement of the film revolves around some cleaners and track workers all receiving £70,000 salaries and working three day weeks, all complaining and rioting about being told to work an extra day. We then see the Germans, French and British taxpayers footing the bill for the whole lot and being sucked under with the Greeks. In other words, everyone gets fucked in the end and there’s no happy ending.

“I have to say, I sat through the whole film and I cried. It was the most harrowing film I have ever seen and I sincerely do not wish this film upon anyone. Luckily I saw it in a test screening and I know for certain no one will see it in a cinema, because they’ve all gone bust,” Mr Chipper added.

Gordon Brown to Become Dentist

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The former PM is said to be delighted to have qualified as a dentist and will practice dentistry in his old constituency.

“My new dental practice will be unique, because I will forbid the use of any form of anaesthetic whilst I am digging through your gums with a rusty drill bit,” the former PM told a local newspaper.

Mr Brown is eager to make every patient feel like they are in a cabinet meeting or stuck in the ex-PM’s private office during his tenure as prime monster.

“We’re already booked up. Some people are even crossing the border to get treatment from Brown. Our best client so far is some chap called Tony. He’s got a dazzling smile, or should I say, he used to have a dazzling smile, until the dentist got to work on him with those pliers,” Mr Brown’s receptionist said from the surgery.

Luckily for the residents on each side of Mr Brown’s dental surgery, the soundproofed walls will drown out the screams and tortuous wailing of his patients.

Celebrity Gives to Charity and Does Not Invite Cameras

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“This is unprecedented, this celebrity actually gave to a charity and did not call a press conference or multiple news outlets about it. We have never actually seen that kind of behaviour before, we only found out from a secret report,” Ernest Fetherwilt, World Health Organisation chief told the BBC.

According to the secret folio, this celebrity even adopted an African boy and proceeded to look after him without telling any news agencies or brokering any Hello magazine photo shoots.

“This behaviour shows a startling disregard for narcissistic self-affirmation and fickle celebrity fad culture. When we have many celebrities adopting poor African children to implant in their Hollywood mansions as trophies, this celebrity has shunned all of that. It’s a bloody disgrace. My guess is that their career will now be over as they are actively shunned by all news networks for the rest of their sorry lives,” Sharon Amigdale, senior news editor for the New York Post said.

John Cleese Involved in Rickshaw Accident in Piccadilly Circus

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Mr Cleese, who was in the UK for a brief tour to pay for another divorce settlement, was involved in a rickshaw pileup on the junction between Regent Street and Piccadilly Circus.

No Christmas in heaven this time

Speaking from London’s Royal Free hospital in Hampstead, Cleese revealed more details about the horrendous crash which also resulted in two rickshaw drivers tragically losing their lives: “I had just left a Polish shop (Sklep) after buying some pickled cabbage, and was about to go to a Somali café next to where Fortnum’s used to be, when there was an almighty crash. At first, I thought to myself that I had bought it, and I would have to make a trip with the grim reaper, when I realised, no, there was no salmon mousse involved at all. These two buggering rickshaw wallahs had gone and crashed into a cow, well soon enough we had about a dozen coolies around us dragging the drivers out of their rickshaws, and they took them to a nearby lamp post near a kebab shop and lynched them there and then. I’m getting too old for this, I need to get back to Beverly Hills straight away.”

London is famous for its traffic jams and frequent multiple vehicle pileups.

“The beauty about the London roads is that no one knows where they’re really going plus you’ll have rickshaws, black cabs, buses, cows, goats, sheep and horse-drawn carriages. Pretty much every form of vehicle or animal on the road, all vying for the same spot. No one cares about traffic lights either, and the basic rule of the road is, whoever has the biggest vehicle or gun has the right of way,” Chandra Harami, a spokesman for London Transport told the BBC.

Illegal Alien President Obama Will Be Deported Says Immigration Office

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“I will refer Barack to ICE [Immigration and Customs Enforcement] and DHS [Department of Homeland Security]. It will be handled like any other immigration case,” Hauser said.

CBS news reporter, Murray Asshelhopp, asked, “Was the president aware that he was in the United States as an undocumented immigrant?” But before the question was completely asked, Hauser interjected, saying President Obama “was made aware of this issue when I walked into his office and, among other subjects, mentioned it to him and he was completely unaware.”

The President was only aware of the dire situation when he was met by immigration officers at the runway just before boarding Air Force One going on a day trip to Alaska from Martha’s Vineyard.

After being booked at a police station, he was asked whether he wanted to make a telephone call to arrange for bail. “I think I will call the White House,” he said, according to a report written by Westchester police. He was denied the call and put in a cell with forty other inmates. During the police search at the station, officers also discovered forged documents on Mr Obama’s person, including a forged birth certificate and forged U.S. passport, all items were immediately confiscated and were sent to the FBI for further investigations.

Later on, President Obama’s lawyers tried to get their client bail but were refused on the grounds that he might try to flee back to a nearby golf course in Martha’s Yard or even worse, his campaign bus.

Vice-President, Joe Biden, will be in charge of the country now until an election is called next week.

Quango Bosses Buy Tropical Island

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The island was purchased by Quango bosses who earn approximately £750,000 tax free per annum and also receive taxpayer funded perks amounting to £145,000 each.

Quango employees usually only work three day weeks, therefore, the purchase of the tropical island will afford them plenty of time to think about new Quango stratagems and policies.

“This is a perfect opportunity to formulate further useless bureaucratic nonsense and shitty policy that no one will ever need, but this time we’ll be on a tropical island with a martini in one hand and being fellated by some beautiful Polynesian native at the same time. Of course, you can think of us while you’re huddled up in some dingy cold room with a stale loaf of bread and a twenty pence piece. Pay up your taxes suckers, we need you to work until you fuckers drop,” a laughing Quango boss told Sky news from his chauffeur driven Bentley.

The British Coalition government fully supports the island purchase and have said that Quangos need to operate in an “efficient and viable manner to facilitate easier working practices and reduce stress amongst Quango staff.”

Large Swathes of South London Are Happy Today After Taking Tainted Nurofen Plus

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Usually you would be hard pressed to get a smile out of the people living in the dark and dingy toilet that is parts of South London, but reports are coming through the BBC and Sky news, that groups of people are roaming the streets smiling and looking happy.

“The only reason this could be is that these people ingested Nurofen Plus pills tainted with anti-psychotic drugs. That’s the only way these people could be smiling. If you lived here, you’d be suicidal, so there’s no need to smile,” a confused looking councillor, Richard Ames, told the BBC.

Large shipments of Nurofen Plus were contaminated with an anti-psychotic drug and accidentally delivered to South London.

The government has warned anyone who sees these pills to not take them and immediately bin them.

Health Minister, Douglas Ratfuck, said: “We can’t have people happy in ‘Sarf Landan’. You must be jokin’ mate, do you want them to riot?”

Erroll Beano, 43, a road sweeper from Lewisham said: “All I know is I was feeling really unhappy and miserable as usual and I took some Nurofen Plus. I’m really happy now. I don’t see grey miserable buildings and no hope anymore. I love everything in my life. I want to live and be a positive person. What a wonderful world we live in. I…I…I’m…so-o-o-o happy.”