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Argentine President Kirchner Wants to Make Falkland Islands Into Plastic Surgery Centre

Arbie Esse
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Argentine President Kirchner Wants to Make Falkland Islands Into Plastic Surgery Centre

“We don’t want the Malvinas because the British have struck oil there and have untold billions of barrels of black gold waiting to be sucked up, no, we want those islands so we can have the premier plastic surgery centre in the South Pacific. The Malvinas will have so much botox and titty implants that we even plan on changing the flag to have my face on it. The flag will be a symbol of how someone can make themselves look with extreme cosmetic surgery,” Ms Kirchner told Argentinian newspaper, Es Cojonudo.

British ex-model, Katie Price, whose boyfriend is Argentinian, said from her grotesque Essex mansion: “The Argies love me because I’ve got a fucked up botox face, plus I’m a total and utter c*nt, much the same as Kirchner. I can’t wait for the Argies to invade and make the Falklands into a botox centre of excellence so I can go there and get them to pump up my football tits and nasty trout pout.”

If things go well enough, the Argentinian ramshackle armed Junta should try and invade the heavily defended Falkland Islands by this summer, so that they can get completely and utterly obliterated by an assortment of British firepower.

Henry Kissinger to Get Job Writing For Daily Squib

Arbie Esse
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Henry Kissinger to Get Job Writing For Daily Squib

The Kissinger entourage will include an army of nurses and doctors, as well as a load of medical supplies that may require Kissinger having to write in his own specially equipped room.

“It’s not like we don’t respect one of the greatest statesmen that ever lived, but having to deal with a crabby old man in a wheelchair scooting around the office will certainly test Squib staff to the limit. I heard that he even has to have his colostomy bag changed every fifteen minutes, that’s just going to mess with our games of billiards or X Box. And then there’s the evil sneer, well, I’ve got one too, but it doesn’t even come close to Kissinger,” Sub-sub-editor, Robert Jenkem, said yesterday.

Last year the Squib had Johann Hari guest writing, where we got him his own writing chair — a toilet. This year will be altogether more interesting, when Henry Kissinger will guest write for the Daily Squib.

“We plan on getting another eminent American or world politician to guest write next year, it’s either going to be Dick Cheney, Robert Mugabe or Pol Pot. Oh the last one’s dead, we’ll just plump for Rupert Murdoch instead, we’ve heard he’s really bored shagging his 23-year-old mail order bride and Twittering all day,” one of our regular staff writers, Al Hertyu, said from the pub.

India to Give Britain Financial Aid

Arbie Esse
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India to Give Britain Financial Aid

Speaking from a slum in New Delhi, the Indian finance minister revealed that India will be giving the UK aid of peanuts, sixty five tonnes of peanuts, to be precise, which will be delivered to the UK each year until they are refused.

“Well, they gave us peanuts with £1.6 billion, so we would like to repay them with actual peanuts. You know how the old saying goes, if you pay us peanuts, you’ll get peanuts,” Mr Mukherjee said as he stepped on a beggar’s outstretched hand.

New Four Year Degree Course on 'Crushing Student Debt'

Arbie Esse
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New Four Year Degree Course on 'Crushing Student Debt'

The intensive four year course is increasingly popular with students all over the UK and places are now hard to find.

“We’ve literally only got a few places left for this course. Students will be taught a variety of vocational skills like how to get your giro, what to say when your benefits officer tries to get you to volunteer at your local poundsaver and how to never be able to pay off your £9,000 per year tuition fees on top of your £20,000 living expenses once you graduate,” Laura Mishkin, one of the tutors on the course told Student Weekly.

Every year thousands of students graduate from expensive courses in the UK with huge debts, and no prospect of ever being employed, so this new course is excellent for students to gain a qualification in their future state of permanent unemployment.

Bigfoot Only Has One Foot Witness Claims

Arbie Esse
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Bigfoot Only Has One Foot Witness Claims

Mr Ortega was conducting research into Northern Californian fauna when suddenly out of a bush a large ape-like cryptid started hopping through the undergrowth.

“I saw Bigfoot. He’s called Bigfoot exactly for that reason, he’s got just one big foot and he was hopping around with it. I estimate it was as thick as a medium sized spruce tree. You should have seen the speed this thing managed on one leg, it was hopping around like a mad jack rabbit, and at over eight feet high, it was one heck of a sight,” Mr Ortega disclosed.

According to Bigfoot analysts, the Bigfoot has one big right foot, and from the footprints he left at the scene, they have estimated his height to be over eight feet high.

“Now I know why he is called Bigfoot. Because he only has one foot. His single foot is extremely strong because of the weight he puts on the single leg. Maybe he needs crutches because we estimate that Bigfoot may suffer from severe arthritis in his old age if he goes on like that. Each leap was an estimated four feet in length so he’s definitely a good hopper,” Billy Johnson, head of the Northern Californian Bigfoot Sasquatch Foundation told CBS news.

Mr Ortega assumes that Bigfoot was either born with one big foot or he could have lost his other big foot in a horrible accident. There are plans to now leave a pair of crutches in the wilderness to see if Bigfoot uses them.

Scientists Unveil New ‘Debt Go Away’ Pill

Arbie Esse
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Scientists Unveil New ‘Debt Go Away’ Pill

“All you have to do is swallow the bitter tasting pill, and you will have all of your debt completely erased,” Dr. Rodrigue Van Halens, who is heading the research team, told Dutch newspapers.

The pharmaceutical company that owns the rights for the product think that the debt pill could even over take Viagra in sales.

“There is a small compound in the pill that makes the recipient believe emphatically that they are debt free. You see, money is a state of mind, and it does not actually exist. Debts are created by bankers on a computer from nothing. They can just go to a pc, add on a few zeros and that’s your debt. It does not exist, and never did. Therefore, if you take the pill, you are simply realising the truth,” Dr. Van Halens said.

The ‘Debt Go Away’ pill will be released in 2030 and is sure to be a mega bestseller.

Cameron Wants to Incorporate National Hug a Banker Day

Arbie Esse
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1
Cameron Wants to Incorporate National Hug a Banker Day

The Conservative leader said he wanted “to understand what’s gone wrong in these bankers’ lives”.

In a separate speech on Friday he also called for the FSA to do less banker bashing and more form filling.

But Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls dismissed the Tory leader’s approach as “vacuous” and “wash-and-go politics”.

“Bankers are people too”

In a speech on how bankers actually benefit society, Mr Cameron claimed bankers who hide in pin stripe suits are trying to “blend in” rather than appear threatening.

Bankers wearing pin stripe suits and braces – known as wankers – have come to be viewed by some as a symbol of social disorder, chaos, greed and evil.

Earlier Mr Cameron told BBC Breakfast he was still tough on financial greed. “Of course people who commit to working in the banking industry should be held responsible.

“But I think people want their politicians to ask the question: ‘What is it that brought that banker to commit to working in a bank at that time? What’s the background to it, what are the long-term causes of banking?’

“If you’re ill, it’s no good putting a sticking plaster on it. You’ve got to get to the bottom of the illness.

“Let’s try and understand what’s gone wrong in these greedy fuckers’ lives and we’ll find it’s about family breakdown, it’s about drugs, money, greed, escorts, fast cars, it’s about alcohol abuse, often it’s bankers who are brought up in privileged dysfunctional families when they should be in loving homes.

“Let’s now deal with those problems. That doesn’t mean at the same we can’t be tough when a banker is caught banking.”

Mr Cameron has even gone as far to suggest that the nation sets aside a day to Hug a Banker and bring them back into decent society.

But Labour has criticised Mr Cameron’s line, calling it a “hug a banker” plan.

Mr Balls also claimed the Conservatives had regularly bashed bankers as much as anyone else.

“Sending out this hug-a-banker message just addresses one part of that, and it’s for today’s headlines.

“It’s a kind of wash-and-go approach to politics – get the headline, move on, never repeat the thing again.”

There are continuing concerns for bankers’ welfare as many are now so persecuted that they are leaving the City in droves. This could be a tragedy for London’s cocaine and strip bar industry.

New House of Commons Beer More Acceptable

Arbie Esse
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New House of Commons Beer More Acceptable

“This new ale called Crap Totty is more acceptable to us because it has the head of a feminist on the front of it who looks suspiciously like a man, she has a stern puritanical look on her disapproving face and not only that, the beer tastes like weak piss water,” equalities minister, Harriet Harperson, told a hastily convened meeting on beer equality, yesterday outside the Commons restaurant.

Another Labour MP, Dianne Abbot, has also come up against fierce resistance, after demanding that Guiness be renamed ‘Divide and Rule’ where the white froth at the top rules over the majority black stuff at the bottom.

The militant feminists and equality czars in the houses of parliament are now happy that the balance in beer equality has been addressed, especially Ms Green, who failed to declare an interest when tabling an amendment to a bill of her union sponsorship in 2011.

Religious Cult Member Could Be Next President of the United States

Arbie Esse
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Religious Cult Member Could Be Next President of the United States

These are very dangerous times for Americans. They’ve got the choice of voting for a spendthrift socialist stroke Marxist or a crazed, out of touch, right wing religious cult member, who has little or no understanding about the real world. Obama and Mitt Romney are a recipe for destruction that even Al Qaeda could not wish for more. America is in vast danger and with those candidates, it is a lose lose situation.

“In the U.S Army we call this situation, a ‘cluster f*ck’ because which ever way you go, there ain’t a good outcome. The people have been dealt some bad cards with these electoral candidates, and my guess is, sooner or later, whichever one wins the election will precipitate internal conflict not seen since 1775,” General Dean Patton told the Washington Times.

Mitt Romney, who is set to be the Republican candidate for the 2012 elections is a prominent member of the Mormon church cult which is a sinister sect of Christianity started by an American man who claimed he was having visions of an angel called Moroni in 1823, when in reality he was probably having a schizophrenic illness induced hallucination.

“Mitt Romney and Moroni. Switch the letters around a little and Moroni becomes Romni. The sounds are there. This is how they get their dangerous satanic cult into the physical world. People would soon be worshipping the Church of Romney and they won’t know who they’re really worshipping. People need to wake up, look around you to see these brainwashed automatons walking around with that glazed look in their eyes. Look at these Mormon churches, they look like alien space ships. These people are forced to give away 15% of all their salary to the church, the women are forced to marry as many men as they can. These poor, poor brainwashed lemmings are more wacko than David Koresh’s Waco church, and that’s saying something. You want to vote for Romney, well go ahead Moroni, make my day,” a Capitol Hill insider told CNN on Tuesday.

Fred Goodwin Chess Game: Queen Takes Knight

Arbie Esse
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1
Fred Goodwin Chess Game: Queen Takes Knight

“He came in as a Sir and left as a lo-ser,” a palace insider disclosed.

According to Buckingham palace staff, Mr Goodwin was directed to a table in the palace’s games room where he was ordered to sit down at a table where the Queen was sitting and play a game of chess.

“It only took a few minutes, when the Queen decimated Fred the Shred’s pawns and rooks. She then swooped down on his bishops and the coup de grace occurred when she used her queen to take his knight. From then on, it was check mate for Fred as his king had no where to go. He threw down his medal on the floor and slunk away out of the room a de-knighted and shredded Fred,” one of the observers at the palace recalled.

Never mind, at least he still gets to keep his taxpayer funded pension of £693,000 per annum.

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