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London to Unveil World's First Pentadecker Buses

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“These buses will solve London’s awful public transport problem where people are pushed into moving boxes two to a dozen, like rats they are squashed together smelling the armpits of old men and sniffing the fart gas of some tramp who has snuck into the holding pen for travellers. And I’m not just talking about that old git, Livingstone either. The new buses will be luxurious, resplendent with air conditioning for the summer and heating for the winter. There will be televisual entertainment for every floor and a drinks vendor will be employed on every bus. Because of the nature of public transport in London, hoodies, chavs and other oiks will not be allowed on the buses and there will be a guard on each bus, ensuring that they are kept off,” London Mayor, Boris Johnson told the London Transport Symposium meeting yesterday.

Already, great excitement has been created amongst Londoners and tourists alike.

“This will be a great selling point for London, especially for London’s 2012 Olympics visitors. The tickets for the buses will be slightly higher than other buses, but in time we will bring those down too. Also, we hope to roll the buses out to other parts of London after an interim period,” the Mayor’s deputy, Linko Drepman, told the Evening Standard.

The new pentadeckers will stand at 58 feet high and will run on biofuels thus keeping pollution down. Their cost is a closely guarded secret, but because they were manufactured in China, the Mayor has assured taxpayers that the buses are very affordable and the number of passengers that each bus can carry will pay back the costs very quickly.

Joel Hammerstein, a lawyer from New York said: “I saw the pictures of the new buses they’re going to have in London. I immediately phoned my wife and booked a two week holiday.”

The new pentadecker buses will be limited to Oxford Street and Piccadilly for the moment but should be rolled out to many other routes across the Greater London area by 2018.

20 MPH Winds Batter New York City

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“I’m scared shitless. They told me to be scared over the news, and all around people are scared so I got scared too,” Earl Huberstank, a janitor from Queens told CBS news.

Escape routes out of the city were all clogged up as the panic set in and more people got the fear.

“They cleaned out all the supermarkets and Home Depot. I read on Drudge that it’s going to be an apocalypse, oh my gosh, I nearly died right there and then. Those 20 MPH might blow over a few blades of grass in the park or something,” Jill Arachno, a New Yorker fleeing the eye of the storm told brave reporters.

UPDATE

Reports are just coming in that the wind was so strong it blew a beer can across the street in the Lower East Side.

Notting Hill Carnival Highlights

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“We’re going to have lots of fun this year so get your heads ready for a cracking time,” Andrew Ridgemount, festival organiser for this year’s festivities told the Evening Standard.

This year the streets of West London will come alive, with the sounds and smells of fear and terror as columns of police in riot gear converge on Europe’s biggest street festival of violence.

Twenty miles of vibrant blue and black police costumes surround over 40 static sound systems, hundreds of Caribbean food stalls, (make sure you visit Mama’s Pork Station, on the corner of Constable Rd and Plod Gardens) over forty thousand cops and over one million Notting Hill fodder will meet in the middle of the road to complete the parade with one almighty festive bang.

“I love to watch the floats go by. You might see one with a shield and truncheon, others wearing full riot gear, and maybe one diguised as an armoured vehicle,” Dina Flowers, 8, who will be attending with her parents on Sunday, told the BBC.

Dick Cheney Torture Book on Bestseller List

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Dick Cheney’s first book detailing the torture practices of the Bush administration, “Torture the U.S. Way” (HarperCollins), has topped The New York Times best-seller list for political books.

For two straight weeks, Cheney’s factual manual and memoirs about the best torture methods, and ways to bypass the Geneva Convention, has made the bestseller list.

“This torture manual is bigger than the Bible. More people are reading this than anything we have ever seen. I just bought a Lamborghini Diablo – cash!” Sammy Gravano, Cheney’s publishing agent, told CBS news.

Mr Cheney’s torture book also has a huge following in Austria, selling millions of copies in just a one week.

The book outlines many different torture methods, and how to kit out the home dungeon. He also talks about his penchant for warrantless wiretapping, shooting his friends and the Iran Contra Affair.

Cheney, 68, who left office in January 2009, has a deal to write two more books about the use of white phosphorus and napalm on Iraqi civilians and the scorched earth policy of American forces in the Iraqi conflict.

Ex-Vice President, Dick Cheney, was given the Congressional Medal of Honor last week for his services to American torture and genocide and his current book “Torture the U.S. Way” is available in all good bookshops.

Gaddafi: "I Dream of You Condi"

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Colonel Gaddafi would often sit down in his palace and dream about Condoleezza Rice, her sultry tones and her wonderful silky voice ordering the bombing of one of his palaces on the telephone from Washington.

“I dream of her still. Her eyes boring through my soul, that Nubian princess. Just the thought of her ordering more American planes to bomb Tripoli gets me so excited. Oh, Condi, how I miss you,” the mad colonel broadcast on Tripoli radio last night.

Rebel fighters sifting through one of Gaddafi’s many palaces have uncovered a treasure trove of material idolising Condoleezza Rice.

“We found albums, and albums of this stuff. I got say though, a lot of the pages were stuck together, we think maybe the colonel got a little too excited, if you know what I mean,” Abdullah Basr Majid, told the BBC.

Sharon Shoesmith to Take In Baby P Killer As Lodger

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“She felt sorry for the child killer and seeing as she got a massive payout from cash strapped Haringey council, she wants to do her bit for society,” one of the jury members who voted for Shoesmith’s payoff, told the Sun newspaper.

Jason Owen, who only served two years for his part in the horrific death of toddler, Peter, is said to be glad that Shoesmith will welcome him to her luxurious home.

“Sharon is about to get £1 million payout for ‘unfair’ dismissal after allowing the death of Baby P through negligance. The council she is taking money from is already struggling financially, and because of the payment to Shoesmith, I am sure many other little children will suffer,” council worker, Anna Injastiss, told the Evening Standard.

Michelle Obama Told to Pay Back $10 Million Holiday Money

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First Lady, Michelle Obama, has been told by Congress that she will have to pay back the American taxpayer the funds appropriated by her and her entourage over the course of 2011 for her multiple unauthorised vacations.

“I am ashamed that I have taken advantage of the American taxpayer, especially in this time of need for many Americans who are struggling to live and put food on table for their families. I was living a bling lifestyle, I am essentially a thief who has stolen from the American people. Please, let me pay you all back. Barry, go right a cheque for the American people for $10 million. You can use the government cheque book for that,” Mrs Obama said whilst enjoying a foot rub on a deckchair by the Olympic sized pool.

Mrs Obama has taken 57 holidays this year alone and each with massive entourages consisting of hundreds of secret service men and additional hangers-on.

“Michelle says that it’s time Whitey’s wealth paid for 400 years of slavery, so she wants to milk the system as much as she can. Her husband is doing the same, they make a great team don’t they?” a White House aide told the ABC news network.

The First Lady usually travels with 70 friends as well as personal hairdressers, masseuse, fashion consultants, jeweller, teams of dieticians and a crew of personal trainers.

Use of Air Force Two, comes in at $600,000 for each trip. This does not include time on the ground.

Michelle likes to stay in $5,000 per night hotel rooms and only wears the most expensive designer clothes which are usually discarded in the bin after use.

“She bought some $7,500 sneakers for a tennis match at the Sebastian hotel but discarded them in the hotel bin after growing bored of them. I have often see her order a dish at a gourmet restaurant costing hundreds of dollars, only to yawn, and send it away after one bite. I know for sure, Barry and her made a pact to bankrupt America further. They figured, they were only going to be here once so they might as well clean the place out before the whole shithouse goes up in flames,” an ex-maid to Michelle Obama told the Washington Times.

Ordinary Americans seem oblivious to what Michelle Obama is doing to their money and she is still looked upon as an outstanding member of the White House, and when she makes her address to the country later on this week, she will surprise a lot of people.

“I always thought she was nice and was working for the American people. I don’t believe for one second that she would take advantage of her position, surely not,” Ed Masterson, a teacher from Alabama told Fox news.

Osborne Choking Life Out of Britain's Neck

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“He likes nothing better then to come into the Treasury at Horse Guards Road and choke anyone that is in his way. We’ve gone through four secretaries, six personal assistants and a cleaning lady already this month. He just grabs their neck and starts choking. Exactly what he’s doing to the British people with taxes,” a worker at the Treasury, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed to the Telegraph.

Britain, to George Osborne is a long tapering neck ripe for the choke, and with huge increases of taxation, national insurance, food and fuel costs, the British people are having the life choked from their collective neck.

“You have to work for 280 days in the year in the U.K. before you pay off the taxation and make any money for yourself. There is actually no point in trying to work or earn a high income because 66.6 per cent of your income will be taxed and given to the freeloaders at the bottom. What is the point in working hard in Britain if all your money is taken away from you? There is absolutely no impetus to better yourself and be successful. Just think, your hard earned cash which you have striven for, nearly killed yourself earning, is just taken from your pocket and given to some chav living in a million pound taxpayer funded house where they live the life of Riley,” a bankrupted, ex-business man living in a cardboard box under Waterloo Bridge, told the Evening Standard.

It is not just the high-earners who are punished in modern day Britain. Anyone on a low income is taxed at the basic rate of 40.2% including National Insurance contributions. So when you’re working your £5.25 per hour job cleaning the shit out of some poor O.A.P’s arse, think to yourself how you are really working for £3.15 per hour and that you are going to have to work for 70 hours a week just to be able to feed yourself.

Fuel tax is now 93% of the price, and to fill a mid-size car up will cost you £130. Food costs have risen to such a level that people are starving and going without food for days. You can see these poor people in impoverished areas, just staring into supermarkets and restaurants, longing for a decent meal or just some morsel to tide them over for the day.

What about the roads? Driving them these days on England’s rat packed highways, you can see the seething hatred in everyone’s eyes, and all it takes for a white van man to go psycho is some poor bastard waiting 2.5 milliseconds longer at the lights when they go amber. England’s roads are full off psychopathic nut jobs waiting to flip a fuse in their dangerous weapons they call vehicles, as they rev their engines waiting to crush anyone in their path.

The prisons are now overflowing with rioters, and soon there will be no more room for any more, as there will surely be more riots if the Chancellor keeps up with his strangle hold on the economy.

“I think the hierarchy want there to be riots because they have their bunkers to languish in for the next thirty years if need be. They will survive at all costs, because they know that the system is untenable right now. There’s nothing that can be done with the system, and no politician can fix it. They now have enough technology and level of information to discard everything else. Also, there is no way you can sustain a working British society with no resources, especially when you are getting huge influxes of poor Eastern European and African immigrants into Britain every day. Millions of people are granted free passage to come to the U.K., use its resources like the NHS and benefits, straining the already overloaded, overcrowded resources. We’re only a small island,” Russell Frost, 53, an unemployed man from East London told the Evening Standard.

As George Osborne squeezes harder and harder on the neck of Britain, he can see the veins bulging and he clenches his teeth to choke the life out of the economy. He does not want enterprise, he wants death, he wants riots, you and I are not worthy for him.

Britain needs nurturing, not strangulation.

Obama Loses $4 Trillion On Golf Game Bet

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Millions of Americans will be without social security payments next year because Barack Obama bet their money on a golf game he was playing with his pals whilst on holiday.

Speaking from his luxury $50,000 per week holiday rental mansion in Martha’s Vineyard, the president seemed strangely unapologetic about the major loss: “Today I lost $4 trillion of your money. Never mind folks, notch it up with the $6 trillion I lost last week and the week before that too. I’ll be asking Congress when I get back to Capitol Hill in late September to up the debt ceiling again.”

Will Cameron's Third Attempt at a Summer Holiday Work?

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“The PM will try a third attempt at his summer hols, this time, however, he may try Number10’s garden out back,” a Downing street aide told the BBC.

The prime minister was cheerfully sanguine about the whole affair: “I will attempt to have my third holiday and I will be closer to the hotline in case anything else happens. Should the bottom of the world fall out and we all find ourselves in the Australian outback, or a major apocalypse occurs, I will not be roused from somewhere far away.”

Cameron’s deputy, Nick Clegg, who was in charge while the PM was away, was his usual ineffectual self yesterday when he told the Syrian president to stop killing his own people.

“I’m sure president Assad must be quaking in his boots at the very thought of being reprimanded by Clegg,” Westminster commentator, Alistair Kolic, told the BBC.