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Aussie Athletes Shipped to Australia After Nicking Gold Medals From Brits

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With only two gold medals by the Australian Olympic team, the Aussies have now resorted to stealing the medals from British athletes.

“Stop there thief!”

Britain now has eighteen Olympic gold medals as opposed to only two Australian gold medals.

Police constable, Gerald Whittington of the Metropolitan police, has described an incident where some of the Australian athletes, who did not win any Olympic medals, were caught stealing gold medals at Olympic venues.

“We caught the Aussies red handed, they went into the changing rooms and tried to pilfer our athletes’ gold medals. Just because they can’t win any themselves. Well, it’s off to a prison colony for you scallywags.”

The Australian athletes were shipped to Port Jackson from Portsmouth yesterday and the ship carrying over two hundred criminals will get to Australia some time next year.

“We hope to start a new colony over there, but first we will have to build some prisons to hold the new colonists,” Admiral Stanley Pitkin, told the BBC.

Shooting is a Form of Greeting in America

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Americans love their guns so much that now social science experts have for the first time identified the different ways Americans greet each other.

“Hello. Bang!”

“Three bursts of a semi automatic means that you are happy to meet someone, but emptying a whole clip into someone you just met means that you are extra pleased to see them,” social scientist at Texas University, Dr. Gabriel Batista, told Science Journal magazine.

If you turn up to a meeting in public wearing a bullet proof vest, then you are seen by other Americans as disrespectful to gun play.

“Bulletproof vests or any type of body armour are a real no, no. You’ll get a head shot just for that, because you’re giving off the vibe that you don’t want to get shot. That’s a serious diss to a shooter,” Dr. Batista added.

“Is that a gun in your pocket..?”

If a shooter sprays bullets in every direction shooting as much as he can indiscriminately, this is seen as a sign of true joy for an American.

Spraying bullets everywhere means that an American is reaching out in all directions. He or she is showing their love for everything. Americans are very passionate people and guns are a way of showing their affection.

“As for wearing a turban in the presence of an American packing a semi-automatic pistol, you might as well put a f*cking target on your head. It’s open season on your ass,” Graham Egsitwund, an NRA spokesman in El Paso told CNN.

Multiculturism OK In Britain If You Win Gold Medals

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“Just before I got to the stadium on the tube, a woman spat in my face and called me a ‘foreign scum bag’ and told me to go back to where I came from,” Jessie Abdellah, a British-born athlete of Yemeni origin told the Daily Mail.

Ms Abdella, 23, then went on to win two gold medals and a bronze for Britain, and was praised for her dedication to British athletics.

“If she had not got any medals at all, of course, the story would be quite different, but she’s one of us now,” Tony Wallis, a commentator told the Olympics BBC coverage team during the Sunday marathon races.

Welcome to multicultural Britain, where the gold medals will make you less hated for all of two minutes.

NHS to Only Treat Healthy People

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“If you’re not healthy, then I’m afraid we cannot treat you,” David Sanders, chief executive of the Northern England Health Trust told the BBC.

The latest NHS ruling is a positive development in cost cutting that could benefit the Health Service and bring it back from the brink of bankruptcy.

“Instead of treating people who are actually sick at great cost to the NHS, we will only treat healthy people who basically need minimal or no treatment thus saving huge amounts of money. Hospital beds could be freed up in minutes, and there would be hardly any need for such things as operating theatres,” Mr Sanders revealed.

The new NHS rules will come into effect next week across the UK.

Rainforest Spotted Near Birmingham

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“The constant rain has created a lush canopy above our heads. I can see Siamangs up there, a few Toucans, and look over there a poison arrow frog,” Dr Donald Beadle, has told National Geographic magazine.

The rainforest is teaming with wildlife and explorers are now flocking to the area to discover new species.

“We had to send out a search party yesterday after a team from Gosport were lost for three days. They could have been eaten by crocodiles or piranha in the river that goes through the rainforest. We still haven’t given it a name,” Dr. Livingstone, another explorer told the BBC.

Naturalist, Sir David Attenborough was also extremely excited by the new development.

“I don’t have to travel to Brazil anymore, the new rainforest is just off the M1 motorway near junction 42. It’s absolutely astounding. I can’t wait to start filming,” Attenborough said.

New Macaulay Culkin Film ‘Heroin Alone’ Gets Critical Acclaim

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“Watching this movie is like getting some pure Afghan brown, sitting down in your room, putting that cord around your arm and going to bliss land. I felt like I was in a world of cotton wool, where problems were far away from me, I rolled my eyes back and enjoyed the blanket of supreme comfort envelope me, protecting me from everything,” Robert Elswood, 34, a cinemagoer from Chicago told Variety magazine.

“Ten out of ten stars!” screamed Empire magazine’s reviewer. “I went into this movie fully awake. After I got up to leave, at what I thought was the end of the movie I just kept feeling the urge for just one more hit. I had to see it again, and again, and again. I am an addict. My withdrawal symptoms involved violent shaking, projectile vomiting, sweating and grinding my teeth. The slightest touch from someone would feel like searing pain, I was burning up and freezing at the same time. I had to go back to the theatre for another viewing,” James Brownstone, Empire magazine’s chief film reviewer said in his column.

Another reviewer for the New York Times said: “I need rehab after watching this movie. Tomorrow, I’m flying to Thailand to an exclusive detox centre so that I can get clean again.”

The format of ‘Heroin Alone’ is similar to Home Alone I, II, III, IV and V, except Kevin has now grown up and moved out of his parents’ house. He lives in an apartment in the Upper East Side and shoots up heroin alone all day and night. This time, he is good friends with Harry (Joe Pesci) who helps him score more smack by burglarising rich people’s apartments in Manhattan. The poignant part of the movie that will make you tear up, is the bit when he cleans out his parents’ house of everything so that he can get one more hit of heroin. Throughout the well shot cinematic film, Kevin is portrayed as a lost child looking for an answer and only finding it at the end of a needle. There will not be a dry eye in the house, just be sure to take care exiting the cinema you are in, as nationwide, film fans have been dropping used needles on the floors of the film theatres.

Man Sues Fast Food Chicken Restaurant After Burger Made Him Gay

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“I used to be a heterosexual Christian family man with four kids and a loving wife. After eating at the Chick Fil-A restaurant I started to wear pink clothes, go around with a limp wrist and enjoy sessions with other men in public toilets. I now have a good eye for curtains and soft furnishings as well as men’s butts. I also have this irresistable urge to join the priesthood in the Catholic church,” Mr Pendlebrock told a jury hearing yesterday at Siouxville County Court in West Bend.

The man said he had gone into the fast food restaurant on Tuesday and ordered a Chick Fil-A chicken burger with cheese.

“I was heterosexual before I took a bite of that burger. Now I’m a raging homo. I need to go to bath houses to get my ass fondled by strange guys I never met before. I’m relocating to San Francisco and told my wife and four kids that I’ll send ’em a postcard from the frisky gay village of Frisco,” he said.

Mr Pendlebrock was additionally arrested on Thursday by West Bend police officers when he was caught sniffing the urinals of a local library’s toilets and coming onto the officers when they told him to stop.

Even though Mr Pendlebrock is enjoying his new gay lifestyle, he says that he still wants to sue the owner of Chick Fil-A because he did not ask to be turned into a homosexual. His lawyer, Julian Coquering, said that his client wanted $30 million in damages so that he can buy a lifetimes worth of lube.

Sales for the fast food restaurant suffered a little after the news was released of the gay inducing burgers.

“Shiiiit. I don’t want to eat at a joint that turns you into a sh*t stabber,” Lewis Shirtlifter, 23, told local news outlet, WKYJLLY news.

Somali Olympic Sailing Team Runs Into Trouble After Shooting and Hijacking Opponents

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A Danish yacht was boarded just before the finish line as the Somali team tried to hijack the boat with AK 47s and RPGs.

“We had just come around the last leg off Weymouth’s Esplanade when we saw the Somali team boat, which did not actually have any sails, but had a black skull and crossbones flag on the impromptu mast. The boat was powered by an outboard motor, which is kind of cheating anyway. Twelve armed men boarded our boat and said they were going to kidnap us for ransom,” Jens Sigorson, the Danish team captain told BBC Sport.

According to Olympic officials, shots were fired when the Danes refused to capitulate to the armed boarding party. The race ended at 4.30 pm and the Somali team’s captain was arrested and disqualified for piracy.

Captain Abdi Maaaxxalalaa, with his crew of eleven merry men, will be airlifted back to Mogadishu later on today.

Country Legalises Drugs Bringing Economic Riches and Harmony

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The historic moment of the legalisation of drugs brought traffic to a standstill across the country as thousands of motorists stopped in the streets to honk their horns and show their appreciation of the landmark ruling.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. Every man and woman and child got together in the streets hugging each other,” John Swiddle, 43, a carpenter from Harlow, Essex told the BBC.

There was true happiness as the decriminalisation of class A drugs finally was brought into reality and people started to rejoice in the streets.

The Treasury is also rejoicing today as the VAT that will be added to the Class A drugs will ensure Britain’s economic recovery many times over.

It is estimated that drug tax could bring the Treasury over 2.8 trillion pounds per annum, not including other revenue streams like taxation of drug suppliers and other periphery industries.

“It is not only great for the government’s tax receipts but also good for the eradication of drug dealers and drug gangs that have blighted our cities for so long. From now on, Britain has entered the 21st century where citizens will be given the choice of what they want to do. If you want to inject heroin, smoke opium, make hash brownies or snort cocaine, then you will be free to do so. If you want to take an LSD tab or some peyote, please do, you will love it, and as long as we get the value added tax, then we will be happy to see you smoke that Camberwell carrot,” Prime Minister, David Cameron told ITN news on Thursday.

Just as there is an alcohol limit when driving a motor vehicle or operating complicated machinery, so too will there be new laws drafted in that will deal with safety issues.

“Naturally there will have to be elements of safe use for workers who are in positions of responsibility. We can’t have aeroplane pilots, for example, chasing the dragon whilst flying to Adis Abbaba, or bus drivers smoking crack pipes in between stops. That kind of thing will, of course, have to be regulated, as already alcohol is regulated to some degree,” Ernest Penderwatt, a civil servant working on the new drug legalisation white paper told the Economist magazine.

The Chancellor, who is at the forefront of the new drug legislation, was not available for comment today as he was too busy staring at the beauty and intricate cosmological composition of a water droplet coming down his window pane in his study.

Supergirl Chinese Swimmer Can Fly As Well

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Chinese gold medal swimmer Ye Shiwen has amazed Olympic audiences not only with her inhuman torpedo swimming techniques but her flying skills as well.

“After the swim – she finished first of course – she then got out of the pool and shot up through the roof of the swimming venue into the sky at great speed. We all ran out to see her flying at about cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. She must have been gone for a good seven minutes before we saw her descending through the clouds. She had a great smile on her face when she landed still in her swim suit. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen,” Tony Feathers, one of the audience for the 100m women’s freestyle event told the BBC.

Air traffic controllers at London’s City Airport also saw Ye Shiwen as she travelled at approximately 650 mph.

“We can confirm that we tracked an unidentified object travelling at great speed above the Olympic venue briefly buzzing our control tower as the object skimmed past the airport,” a shocked air traffic controller recalled.

Chinese Olympic authorities were quick to downplay the incident.

“She is human just like you and me. No she does not do special drugs,” Fing Fing Fung, told the Daily Mail.