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Tony Blair to Give Missing Eight Million Pounds to Iraq Charity

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Tony Blair has vowed to give the £8 million he made through dodgy deals last year to an Iraqi fund for murdered Iraqi babies bombed by the US and UK war planes.

“It’s the least I can do. We pumped those lil bastards full of shrapnel and depleted uranium and it was fun at the time but I started to get a conscience eventually damn it. I turned over a new leaf, all the money I acquired through backhand deals and dodgy arrangements is eventually going to go somewhere useful — to help the damage Dubya and I caused,” Mr Blair said from one of his London mansion houses.

Analysis of Mr Blair’s accounts show that he only paid a very small amount of his income to the Inland Revenue and it is a good thing that instead of spending the £8 million profit on god knows what luxuries, he’s going to redistribute the cash to a country which was permanently crippled by his actions.

There was cheering in the streets of Iraq at the news of the Tony Blair £8 million donation as people celebrated the good will of Tony Blair.

Unfortunately for the people of Iraq, they were not told that the Blair money will be siphoned through some subsidiaries in Iraq, then transferred to Mr Blair’s private account in the Cayman Islands.

Remake of a Remake of a Remake Gets Sixth Remake in 3D

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Pick any film you may have watched in the 70s and 80s and chances are that the recent Hollywood release is a remake of the same film, except now you will have some nameless, faceless, actor embellishing it with their wooden charms. Scripts are stripped down to their basic shells and all goodness from previous films are ejected.

“You can’t have a remake without some casting couch new flavour of the month plastic actor or actress stumbling across the screen jumping all over the place. Each of the many characters is disconnected from the audience; you don’t care what happens to a single one of them. The roles could just have easily been filled with robots or androids. Maybe stick some CGI in there, with all action scenes rendered on green screen, slap in some 3D effects and your remake of a remake of a remake is ready to be forced in front of cinema audiences who now, unfortunately, do not know any better,” Film critic, Freddy Luger, told Hollywood Week magazine.

Is it no wonder that the internet is filled to the brim with sites showing these so-called Hollywood films for free. These films are such throw-away products that they are not even worth paying to go and see. You would have to be a very sad character to actually go to a cinema and pay some of your hard-earned cash to fund these monstrosities.

“I would rather have my eyes shaved with a rusty razor then go and see any movies that come from Hollywood these days. Like occasionally, I’ll fast forward through one of the movies for free on the internet to see how bad it is. Can you imagine the shame one would feel if they admitted that they had actually parted with money to see a new release let alone helped to fund even more of that crap? I don’t think I could look into anyone’s eyes afterwards,” Bill Dean, an internet user told Yahoo news.

Scots Could Lose English Benefits Bonanza if Gain Independence

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“There’s a stoatin fear in th’ streets an’ pubs aw ower scootlund. When we gain independence we wulnae be able tae leech aff th’ sassenach taxpayers an’ micht hae tae fin’ a job,” Angus McShanker, an unemployed Glaswegian, told the Glasgow Times from his home, the Scragnit pub.

Some Scots are now hoarding their booze and heroin stashes, because once the English benefit bonanza ends, they will be up shit creek without a haggis.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English Treasury.

“I’ve ne’er worked a day in mah life an’ ah gie £1,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam illiterate, lazy an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Sharon McNapper, 24, an unemployed woman from Aberdeen, with thirteen children, told the Scotsman newspaper.

Labour MP Diane Abbott Disciplined By Plantation Owner

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“She better not step out of line again or we will turf her out into the fields to work with the other negros. We let her stay in the house but recently she has been displaying rather insubordinate, impudent, behaviour not befitting her place. We’re even thinking of shipping her back to Jamiaca in one of those special ships if she gets any worse,” chief whip master, Ed Miliband told Sky News.

There is always a danger of rebellion amongst the servants and they have to be routinely disciplined by the plantation masters.

“We certainly can’t have people like Diane Abbott going around answering back to us. She needs to keep her place, and if she does answer back or make any such remarks not befitting her status in the house, she will be unduly removed from her position and despatched either back to where she was first appropriated or put to work in the fields where the lesser of her kind are made to work to death,” the plantation owner said on Sunday.

Obama: "Why Disarming America is My Last Act As President"

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“The UK population has been effectively disarmed by successive British governments, so it goes to reason that the US should have its population castrated and disarmed as well,” Johnny Bloom, an analyst for the Telia Think Tank wrote in a recent research paper.

Obama’s failed stimulus programs were hailed as wonderful ways of increasing the US debt mountain, on which he added his expensive healthcare initiative notching on a further $5 trillion of debt burden. Obama has been the biggest spender in the history of the United States. With two expensive wars raging on two fronts, and his pet projects, Obama was left with little or no money to pay the interest on US debts, let alone his country’s huge social security bills, so he asked for a debt ceiling increase. This was granted only after compromising the US AAA rating meaning America will have to pay a higher rate of interest on debt.

American Poor House

“There are no jobs, no industry and some guy comes in spending like a kid in a candy store. Obama plays 90 rounds of golf and takes 25 vacations a year, each costing taxpayers five to seven million dollars a pop. That’s not including his wife either, who spent $15 million on vacations in 2011 alone. She also has an unlimited credit card on the US taxpayer, so she’s been stocking up on all those goodies. We foot the bill on that. You over there, working in your backbreaking job polishing hubcaps for $6 an hour, you’re paying for Michelle Obama to live like Marie Antoinette wished she could have lived,” a Capitol Hill insider told the Washington Times.

“The truth is we’re broke. There’s no way we can pay back the trillions we owe to China, and I think China knows that too. When we don’t pay them their money, what’re they going to do then? We were OK bullying and desecrating small countries like Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, but when it comes to the might of China, that’s when we shut up. We don’t like picking fights with countries that are equal or bigger than us, only countries that we can bully and conquer,” Johnson Fredericks, a Pentagon official told CBS.

A New Safe America

Obama in his second term will shift to the armed and dangerous American people in his urgency for disarmament.

“The people got guns, they need to be disarmed or we will have anarchy when the fiat currency based financial system collapses soon. This is why Obama’s TSA army will go house to house and disarm each household who has registered or illegal arms. The people will be monetarily compensated, and if they try and withhold the weapons, or hold illegal ones, they could be arrested. The people cannot be trusted anymore. It’s coming to a neighborhood near you soon, and your house, so be prepared to hand over your weapons,” Joel Finklestein, an Obama re-election campaigner said at a recent rally in Chicago.

Only 1000 Met Police Have Criminal Records

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In a serious breach of Britain’s judicial system, data revealed today shows that only 1000 police officers in the Metropolitan police force have criminal records.

“We need to ask how the rest of them are getting away with it? It’s a criminal act in itself that these police men and women have not been prosecuted to the full extent of the law,” Arnold DeLittle, a barrister at the High Court told the Times.

Forces across England and Wales employ policemen and women with convictions including burglary, causing death by careless driving, armed robbery, supplying drugs, domestic violence, rape, murder, aggravated assault, bribery, blackmail, forgery and perverting the course of justice.

Lady GaGa Left 'Custard' in Hotel Bath

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Lady Gaga allegedly left “large amounts of lumpy custard” in a hotel bath.

The eccentric singer reportedly shocked staff when she checked out of London’s lavish five star Regency Continental Hotel last August and they discovered a pool of lumpy steaming custard with an assortment of delicious traditional English desserts and cakes in the tub.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was “bathing in custard and cakes as part of a Satanic baking ritual”.

She told BBC 6 news channel: “Lady Gaga left large amounts of lumpy custard and dessert in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

GaGa was said to be indulging in such delights as Lardy Cake, Spotted Dick, Bread and Butter Pudding, Figgy Dowdy, as well as copious amounts of freshly made English crumpets.

Other sources believe Gaga could have been using the delicious desserts as part of a “weird” stage costume or prop.

An insider said: “All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines. It is also possible that GaGa likes a bit of pudding and is an English dessert aficionado.”

The hotel claimed that the clean-up bill amounted to £23,000 not including replacing the furniture, carpets and bathroom.

Lady GaGa was not available for comment.

Faulty French Implant Causing Distress

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“He is not only a danger to France — but himself. He looks a bit like a tit, acts like one, and is toxic to the world of politics. I say we take this faulty impudent little implant out and dump it in the nearest sewer, where it belongs,” Jean Beano, a respected French politician told Le Monde newspaper.

Monsieur Leblanc, president of the French Association of Implants, Tits and Politicians, told BBC Radio 4’s The World At Two: “Even with a very low popularity rating, he is an implant that would have to definitely be removed.

“If you believe a device is faulty, I think this would be true in your car or any other object that you buy, you would want to have that replaced immediately as well.

“Certainly, Sarkozy, is at a very much higher toxicity rate than we would consider acceptable. Good implants put in by reputable nations really have an extraordinarily low failure rate so this is quite out of the ordinary. In other words, we need to get rid of this fucker tout suite, if you know what I mean, Harry.”

The question is, which surgeon will step up to the plate to remove this faulty implant?

Miliband to be Prime Minister in Alternate Universe

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He may think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but the delusional Miliband is about as exciting as an adenoid in a jar of formaldehyde. 

“I will be prime minister of Great Britain,” Miliband screeches, in his best demented dalek voice, standing in front of his bathroom mirror every morning.

Ed Miliband is not content with the very public show of fratricide he displayed during his rise to Labour’s helm. His ruthless nature shows that he will commit any crime to get to power, and if he ever shoehorns himself into the premiership, like Gordon Brown did, he will be ruthless and just as evil there as well.

“I will come to ultimate power. Every single day you will listen to my bleating voice barking out orders over the tannoys dotted around Britain. I would sell my own mother to get to power and I have shown my ruthless nature before. I mean it, I want us to go back to spend, spend, spend Britain, where Labour ministers spent your money on perks, trips abroad, gluttony, greed and salsa lessons. Next time around we want to take Britain to the Middle Ages of debt. This is Labour’s message to you, the politics of spending taxpayers’ money until it all runs out. Champagne socialism for the select few, and forty years of misery for the rest of you c*nts who have to pay off our spending sprees. Thank you,” Mr Miliband told the BBC last night.

New Year’s Pledge to Save World Economy Give £5 to Daily Squib

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The Fiscal Unitary Consumer Knowledge Trust, after much research, has revealed the remarkable notion that giving the Daily Squib a fiver is pretty much the only way the world’s economy can be saved, the paper published by the Office of National Statistics on New Year’s Day revealed.

“First of all, Happy New Year folks. The world is in grave danger, we need to circulate more cash in the economy. We want consumers to spend more, that way we stimulate the rusty cogs of the economy and we can get this mother moving once again. If everyone donated £5 (8 USD) to the Daily Squib newspaper, then you would be doing a better service than throwing away your money by giving it to any government or to the banks. At least, the Daily Squib is useful, and will utilise the money by bringing the public even more in-depth analysis, news, and utter, utter bollocks. You must do it, you must. For the sake of our civilization, for our wives, children, and our economy. Step up to the plate, click that paypal button and donate a fiver to the Squib,” Mervyn Hubbard, the key researcher at the think tank said emphatically.

Dear readers, do not worry, the world is not going to end in 2012. The Mayans were strung out on coke and couldn’t even predict the Spaniards, let alone 2012. As for all the nutty preachers predicting the end of the world all the time, even a broken clock is right twice a day. The world is not going to end yet, but the world is still in grave economic and political distress and unless you all help stimulate the economy by your generous donation we’re all fucked, doomed and double fucked.

Well, you heard the hard evidence and facts right there. We urge you to save our civilization by donating a miniscule £5 to the Daily Squib.


 

Thank you for saving the world.