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Romney Will Send Bust of Karl Marx Back When Obama Leaves White House

Rupert Bawldy
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6
Romney Will Send Bust of Karl Marx Back When Obama Leaves White House

As soon as Obama won the presidency in 2009 he walked into the White House and ordered the removal of the bust of Winston Churchill, which former president George W Bush had looked at every day of his presidency. Mr Obama replaced the Churchill bust with that of Karl Marx, who he holds in high regard, more so than the British bulldog, Churchill, who fought and won against the Nazis in World War II.

“Barack Hussein Obama sent the Winston Churchill bust back to England where it came from. He couldn’t even look at it in the face. He was practically spitting at that thing because it stood for everything he hated. Freedom and democracy. That is something that makes Obama wince, plus he hates the Brits so much he gets angry at the mere mention of Britain. They hurt his family in Kenya, where he was born, and he will never forget that,” Ellen Shapiro, a White House aide told CNN.

Mitt Romney, however has vowed to restore Churchill to his rightful place, and he will get that Karl Marx statue and send it back to where it came from.

“Obama has created so much debt for our nation that even if every American paid 100% income tax for the next thirty years, there is no way we could ever pay the interest alone on our national debt. This is what we have to work with here. He has effectively ruined America three hundred times over with his reckless spending and he knows what he’s done. I’m going to take the Karl Marx bust and get it melted down, then mould it into the ultimate symbol of capitalism, a can of coke. Barack can have that. When I get into the White House, we’re going to get back into making money, that’s what America is good for and I want all y’all citizens to join me in getting rich. Obama made everyone poor, apart from the public sector workers. Well, under my way, we’re all going to be rich. I’m a business man. I make money, and I want to make so much money that it lifts the stock markets up, the world economy jumps up and we get out of this stinking socialist mess. So what if I’m a Mormon, shit lets get rich fuckers!” Mitt Romney said whilst touring Wisconsin on Friday.

It seems that Americans have two choices come November. Either going for economic riches or poverty.

Now the Olympics Are Over Let’s Get Back to the Recession

Rupert Bawldy
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0
Now the Olympics Are Over Let’s Get Back to the Recession

“Don’t want to be a f*cking killjoy or anything but we couldn’t afford the f*cking Olympics. We already have a massive deficit and spending is going through the roof. We’re not in a double dip recession but a prolonged depression. People are starving in the streets of the East End, and you’ve got a big smile on your face you irresponsible c*nt? So what if you got a gold medal, what’s that going to do? Nothing! Is the gold medal going to pay for the deficit, the millions of people on the dole, the thousands of asylum seekers walking into this country every hour of the day? Is the gold medal going to pay for the millions of pounds wasted on useless government initiatives, the civil servant pensions, the council bosses, the pensions black hole, the care bills, the fuel bills, the council tax bills, the NEETS, the chavs? What about the thousands of pram faces walking the streets dropping babies like f*cking sweeties so that they can grow up and be benefit scroungers just like their mums?” a man from Stratford, told a London radio station.

Luckily for George Osborne, there is a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. More taxation should solve the stranglehold over the economy and is just the medicine needed.

“The Chancellor is doing a stellar job of increasing taxation to such levels that Britain grinds to a complete halt. This is a great way of stimulating the economy so that no one can do business and people are punished for working. When we have 87% tax on fuel, and huge VAT costs, as well as repressive stamp duty, this basically stifles the economy to a level that kills growth. You cannot grow in an oppressive environment like the one George Osborne has created. It is impossible for the UK’s economy to grow when everything is taken away from the worker. In Britain, one has to work for eleven and a half months purely to make any money for himself. The rest of the time, the money goes straight to taxes and bills. This is what it is like living in George Osborne’s Britain,” another radio listener said on Sunday night.

Pussy Riot Girls Holding Daily Squib Writers Ransom

Rupert Bawldy
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1
Pussy Riot Girls Holding Daily Squib Writers Ransom

The British version of the Pussy Riot Girls have invaded the Daily Squib offices. I am currently writing this article from under a table in the office and a Pussy Riot Girl just stepped on my leg. Ouch that hurt. They say they are invading the Daily Squib offices because we are the only media outlet left in the UK that tells the truth. They say that they want to relay a message to all Pussy Riot Girls around the world to rise up and cause Pussy Mayhem. The liberation of the Great Pussy in the Sky will help all Pussy Riot Girls to rise up against Anti-Pussy Tyranny just like that big macho thug Putin is doing to the Russian Pussy Riot Girls I have just been told to write.

We have had Pussy Riot Girls subdue a few Squib writers, by means of wrapping their thighs around our heads and squeezing hard. Our sub-sub-editor, John Thomas was knocked out this morning when a Pussy Riot Girl used her Pussy Riot Technique to stop the blood going to his head, which one we’re not sure of but he is still out for the count. He is now recovering in the photocopy room with a Pussy Riot Girl standing over him with her knee high boots positioned over his testicles just in case he makes any sudden moves.

We are appealing for help for the Pussy Riot Girls. We are not against you and will write whatever you want. Ouch. \jsvkkjvsjkvbsbjvksbjks sdji

A Pussy Riot Girl just stood on my fingers. The Pussy Riot girls are demanding the release of the Russian Pussy Riot Girls from prison immediately. Putin you monkey faced botox freak..you better release the Russian Pussy Riot Girls immediately.

Please help!!! A Pussy Riot Girl just put her thighs around my ,s,shh ss sdishdui idhuiuhsd hudsuhi dudhhdhd sisisdddd…………..

Aspartame Drip Can Reduce Sugar Cravings

Rupert Bawldy
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4
Aspartame Drip Can Reduce Sugar Cravings

“Everyone who has a constant aspartame drip administering high dosage levels at all times will not have any problems with sugar cravings,” Doctor Arnold Kovalic, told NBC news about the new program.

According th the medical journal in which the new treatment was published, the aspartame drips will be portable and able to be transported with the patient wherever they go.

“As long as you don’t take it down a water slide you should be OK but there are some people who could not handle going down a water slide without craving a bucketful of glazed donuts,” Dr Kovalic added.

The Department of Health has already put in an order for millions of the drips and soon America could be overflowing with people walking around dragging a drip.

“You ever seen Day of the Walking Dead? That’s what it will be like. You got these fat obese people ambling around with vacant looks in their eyes, a drip in one arm and a  cell phone in the other clicking away. This is modern America folks, get used to it,” a critic of the aspartame treatment told Reuters news agency.

Currently low doses of aspartame used in most foods in America are a major cause of cancer.

Ecuador to Teach U.S and U.K How to be Democratic

Rupert Bawldy
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0
Ecuador to Teach U.S and U.K How to be Democratic

Speaking from the Ecuadorian embassy in London, a member of the Ecuador diplomatic service said: “The British government has threatened to storm the embassy and forcibly take the Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange away to be extradited to the U.S where he would receive an unfair trial and life imprisonment at a secret location using the excuse of a broken condom. Britain is a supposedly democratic nation where the level of surveillance is higher than any country in the world. It is a place with inhibitive laws and taxation levels that stifle human existence, it is essentially a country that resembles an East German Stasi dictatorship and the British people should be ashamed at themselves for being overrun by these undemocratic monsters.”

The British Isles have never seen democracy in its true form, and freedom of speech was permanently removed in section 5 of the 1986 public order act. The British system is more Feudal than anything else, and now that Brussels gives the orders, the UK resembles a prison colony island where individual thought or freedom is punished to the full extent of the law.

There is no democracy in the US either as they are set to introduce black box systems in all vehicles so that every journey and action by the motorist is tracked. Additionally, there are aspirations for the repeal of the Second Amendment, the right to bear arms. The disarmament of American civilians will accelerate the reduction of what little freedom Americans enjoy now, and new eco laws will be introduced rationing food, energy usage and employment for Americans.

‘Democracy’ is utilised as an illusion by Britain and America so that there are no revolutions every few years. It placates the masses with the facade of so-called democratic elections so that the status quo can prevail. Which ever party wins is of no consequence because the same people still run the show from behind the scenes with the same machinary of government.

As the police are about to storm the Ecuadorian embassy and brutally extract Julian Assange, that is proof right there that we are not living in a democracy and never have been. It has taken a nondescript South American nation to prove that very point about the brutal regime in charge on both sides of the Atlantic.

Young Ladies Celebrate Their A-Level Results

Rupert Bawldy
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0
Young Ladies Celebrate Their A-Level Results

According to all the newspapers, these young fair skinned nubile ladies have just passed their A-Level examinations.

“You might as well put up a picture of a young filly licking the head of a vanilla ice cream as she delicately flicks the succulent white fluffy substance all over her tongue winking her eye at you. It’s certainly a welcome moment in the year when the A-levels come along, that’s for sure. Beats looking at pics of some poor f*cker who just got their legs blown off in Afghanistan,” retired Colonel Samuel Treblinka, told the Daily Telegraph.

Another avid newspaper reader said: “I certainly commend the newspaper editors every year who post these pics of young ladies fresh from studying, passing their exams. As they twirl in the fields clutching their papers against their straining blouses, their innocence is captured for a second, of course before they are tossed into the cruel world of university or unemployment. Such is the cruel nature of life to see these beautiful young white women, so full of promise displaying their soft lithe bodies to everyone. They are stars for an A-Level moment. Who shall be chosen next year to be photographed and become instantly famous? I am sure they await the moment when the press photographers turn up on exam result day. Just don’t let the wife catch you salivating over the pictures or you’ll be in the f*cking dog house.”

More A-Level goodies next year. Yum.

Margaret Thatcher to be Mummified and Displayed at Number 10

Rupert Bawldy
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4

Using a new formaldehyde recipe recently formulated at the University College of London, Margaret Thatcher, possibly the most famous prime minister of modern Britain, will be displayed at 10 Downing Street in the Cabinet Room in a glass display case.

The current prime minister, David Cameron spoke about the plans from his Majorca holiday.

“It will be a great honour to see Maggie every day from her little box. She would have wanted it this way, and would not think for one second that it is macabre. No, on the contrary, she can rally the troops from her little box, irrespective of party allegiance. I bet she will hear every sordid word that is uttered at the cabinet meetings. You could say that she would be a guardian of all politics. I’ve actually heard that the taxidermist is even going to include the daggers in her back, which were, of course, placed there by her own Cabinet all those years ago,” Mr Cameron said via video link to the BBC’s studios in Manchester.

After Mrs Thatcher sadly passed away tonight at 6.30pm GMT, there were also calls for her mummified body to be initially displayed at Westminster Cathedral so that members of the public can pay their last respects to her.

“I was at the Poll Tax Riots and I’ll never forget Maggie. She was like a boil on the arse of humanity. God bless you ma’am. Rest in peace you crazy old bat,” Gerald Miner, from Yorkshire told the Northern Echo newspaper.

Gordon Brown: Scottish Independence Could Severely Hinder Scots Benefits System

Rupert Bawldy
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1
Gordon Brown: Scottish Independence Could Severely Hinder Scots Benefits System

 The former Prime Minister said the Union between England and Scotland was based on the “leeching of English resources” that meant Scottish citizens benefitting from the welfare state would suffer if they were to ever split from England.

“Where are you going to get your booze and fags from when you ain’t got no more money from down South? We’ve been bleeding those sassenach bastards dry for years. You don’t want to work do you? Well, stop with this Independence nonsense you bawbags.”

Mr Brown also warned that transferring financial powers only to the Scottish Parliament would mean SNP ministers having to cut spending or increase taxes to balance the books.

“Independence would be a nightmare for us. Imagine having to increase taxes on booze and ciggies. What about the benefits where you don’t have to work but drink all day and spike your fuckin’ veins? If the Southern bastards stop paying, who’s going to pay for it? You might have to get a job.” Mr Brown added.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English taxpayer.

“I’ve ne’er worked a mingin day in mah life an’ ah gie £2,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam scunnurt and illiterate, lazee an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Carol McFenster, 26, a single unemployed Aberdeen woman with fourteen children from different partners, told The Scotsman newspaper.

Obama Speech in Denver Rallies Workers to His Cause

Rupert Bawldy
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2
Obama Speech in Denver Rallies Workers to His Cause

“The choice between going backward and moving forward has never been so clear. We need to embrace a theory in which class struggle is a central element in the analysis of social change in America. I am asking you, the proletariat to rise up and bring forth this profound change,” Obama told the audience gathered inside the Auraria Events Center on the Auraria campus downtown Denver.

The approximately 20-minute speech focused heavily on his new state health care bill, and his new collectivist agricultural and state policies, as well as the role of the female proleteriat members in the new proposed state structure. Obama’s future change policies also feature the mass redistribution of wealth, rights for all illegal immigrants, nationalisation of all industry, disarming the people, and the introduction of heavy internet surveillance/regulation.

Under the old American system the president was opposing, Obama said that: “The proletariat, the working class or ‘the people,’ own only their capacity to work; they have the ability only to sell their own labour.”

According to Obama the proletariat are only defined by their ability to work. The president said that “Vast change was needed by Americans with class struggles, wars, and uprisings. Under the Romney or Republican system, I have reiterated the point, that the workers, in order to support their families are paid a bare minimum wage or salary. The worker is alienated because he has no control over the labour or product which he produces. The old corporate Americanized system sells the products produced by the workers at a proportional value as related to the labour involved. Thus, surplus value is the difference between what the worker is paid and the price for which the product is sold.”

Obama took the stage to cheers of “Four more years” from the crowd, estimated by fire officials at 4,000 people. The crowds cheered his name over and over again.

Obama then added: “We are seeing these Republican party created recessions increasing in number every day. The proletariat are in perpetual misery as the result of economic recessions; these recessions result because the working class is unable to buy the full product of their labours and the ruling capitalists do not consume all of the surplus value. There can only be change from this terrible Republican party created malaise and wastage. A proletariat or socialist revolution must occur, where the state (the means by which the ruling class forcibly maintains rule over the other classes) is a dictatorship of the proletariat. Eventually communism will evolve from socialism out of this progression. I say to you my fellow Americans: ‘From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.’ I will see Change in America in my lifetime and you will help me attain this Change.”

After the speech, there were ecstatic applause and cheers from the assembled crowds holding Obama placards.

Prince William New Haircut Causes Stir at Olympics

Rupert Bawldy
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0
Prince William New Haircut Causes Stir at Olympics

The haircut sported by the prince seemed to channel the style of Justin Bieber, and caused a bit of a storm during the badminton match.

“It was all eyes on the prince’s new haircut. Naturally people tried to watch the exciting match between the GB team who were playing against Kazakhstan, but the suspense of watching the prince was too much,” Edgar Holinder, a BBC sport commentator later added.

The prince attended the game with the duchess of Cambridge and was seen flicking his new haircut with excitement as team GB went ahead in the second set.

“Prince William looked wonderful with his new haircut. He seemed so proud of it and touched it every few minutes. I think the Bieber-style chop suits him just fine, he certainly brings a royal tinge to the style. I can imagine a crown on his bonce with that haircut. Well done William,” an avid royal fan in the audience told the BBC.

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