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It's Official: Obama Was Big Joke By Behind Scenes Hierarchy

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“We tried to fool all of you guys and I have to say it nearly worked but we’re going to fess up right now about Barry. Yep, it was all a cruel joke on the American public, even the Nobel Peace prize was a joke, and as for the birth certificate, if y’all couldn’t see that, then y’all must be blind. As for Michelle, well, that was the biggest joke of all, if that didn’t make you laugh and cry you must be as dead as John McCain’s crotch,” a Pentagon insider revealed on Friday.

According to political analysts in Washington, Obama, was installed as President as an inside joke between two rival groups in the Pentagon.

“It was kind of like a Trading Places kind of deal. They wanted to see if the public would take the joke, and it looks like they mostly did. Anyway, someone somewhere in the Pentagon is now paying up a dollar bet to the winner because come November 2012, it’s all going to be over for Barry, even though Romney’s a religious freak, he’ll win because he’s a good business man. No socialist was ever good at business, otherwise they’d be a capitalist, and that is the exact antithesis of socialism. So whenever a socialist is in power in any country, you will see that regime end in bankruptcy soon enough when all the money runs out. Look at Europe, those socialist morons are royally screwed because they spent all the money on welfare, subsidies and socialist cronyism. Obama doesn’t have a chance in hell, and the joke was his election, it hasn’t been a funny joke though, because that’s why a lot of people were fooled. Now they’re crying, but don’t feel sad people, because it will soon be over for Barry, and we can have our country back in the money once again,” Dean Alsworth, political analyst for the Washington Think tank, the Bureau Institute, told Capitol Weekly magazine.

When There's No More Room in Hell the Dead Shall Walk the Earth

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You just woke up in a cold sweat, no, you weren’t dreaming when you thought you saw news stories about flesh eating zombies in America, these are all real occurrences and things could get a lot worse soon.

“This could be a government experiment gone wrong. Shit, Florida state could be like something out of Resident Evil or a George A. Romero movie. Hell, I’ve seen some towns that look exactly like Raccoon City. You just need to shoot them in the head, that’s the only way to stop them,” Thomas Savini, a resident of Dodge Ville, in Tampa, Florida told the Tampa Argus newspaper.

First came Miami, when a crazed naked man ate a homeless man’s face, nose and ears up while horrified onlookers gawped at the incident in terror. Then a Texan mother killed her newborn baby, eating part of his brain and biting off three of his toes. Then in Maryland, a college student killed his roommate , eating his heart and part of his brains.

New Jersey, was the site of another incident where a man stabbed himself over 50 times then threw bits of his intestines at dismayed police officers. Even after pepper spraying him and tasering him countless times, it took twelve officers to subdue the man. Most recently, a Louisiana man, Carl Jacquneaux, ate part of a man’s cheek during a robbery before being finally being handcuffed by the police, and on Saturday, a homeless North Miami Beach man threatened to eat police officers who told the man to stop harassing customers at a local market.

The Center For Disease Control (CDC) have refuted the rumours and news reports that a zombie apocalypse is on the way, but can we really be sure about that?

Scientists at Bradford Ingles University in Alabama have found that with certain engineered airborne viruses, the primal R-Complex in the brain can be activated. This is the most base primal part of the brain which only deals with survival and food. It is no wonder that these individuals are chomping away, because it is their survival instinct being activated by something.

There are further triggers for this cannibalistic behaviour and the daily news of economic meltdowns worldwide do not help in any circumstances as the internet age has made the spread of news instantaneous around the globe.

Some people have even speculated that the disease is related to African Americans because they’re mostly the only ones committing these acts of cannibalism.

However, scientists have been quick to refute the fact it is an act only constrained amongst the African American populations.

Professor Harkin of Jonestown University, said at a recent press conference: “All the cannibals who ate people’s faces and flesh were of African origin. Although we have looked at the many variables into these incidents, we cannot emphatically be 100% sure that it is something that only African Americans do, until we have more cases similar to the ones we have already had, we should not jump the gun. There are many tribes in Africa who used to partake in cannibalistic rituals and lifestyles, but as of today, we do not think they practice anymore. This cannibalism outbreak could affect many people of different racial backgrounds, so we need to stay calm people. These are also not technically zombies, because the people eating other people are still alive themselves, if they were undead, then they would be called zombies, but otherwise they’re alive.”

The CDC is looking into ways of counteracting the latest outbreaks of cannibalism within America, and will come up with a new study on the subject by July.

President Obama was also quick to point out that these were only minor incidents and at the slightest sign of an outbreak he was going to be taken down into the bunker underneath the White House quicker than ex-glamour model, Katie Price, takes her knickers off in a nightclub toilet cubicle.

Fiddling Expenses: Warsi Problem With That?

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Is there any surprise at the latest round of MP scandals to soil the airwaves?

“How did Warsi become a Baroness anyway? Who did she pay to get that title? She should be stripped of her title and her place as an MP and discarded. She was obviously installed as a quotiant statistic, and she must not be given special treatment when being ousted either. Give ’em an inch and they take a mile,” an angry ex-Tory voter said today.

Naturally, Baroness Warsi, will get a golden handshake and a huge taxpayer funded pension before being told to get lost.

“Warsi will be made an example of, while Hunt gets away with murder, she will be used by Cameron as raw meat for the baying wolves and foxes waiting in parliament as well as the media for their next meal. They need their pound of flesh, and she is looking just plump enough to sate their appetite. Bye, bye, Warsi, you will not be missed,” a parliamentary insider revealed.

Queen Wants Jubilee Celebration Every Year

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Speaking at Buckingham palace whilst addressing the nation on all channels, the Queen said she will speak to Whitehall policy makers and the PM so the new law can be approved by parliament.

“It is her majesty’s desire to have a Jubilee celebration every year for the rest of her life, therefore as her subjects, we are obliged to agree to her wishes,” Prime Minister, David Cameron said from Number10 this morning.

The cost to the taxpayer of continuous four day celebrations every year could be huge.

“It’s not just the cost of the Queen’s celebrations which go into the multi-millions; but loss of productivity for the economy as well as the security cost involved. I guess we can get more poor bastard benefits slaves to sleep under Waterloo bridge and do unpaid work in the freezing rain, at least this way we’ll claw back some of the cost. So what if the poor f*ckers die of hypothermia, they shouldn’t have been unemployed and receiving benefits in the first f*cking place, the vile scum,” a Tory politician, told the Times.

As for the BBC, they can’t wait to film Z-List celebrities talking about novelty Jubilee sick bags for next year’s celebrations.

The brainwashed masses were also delighted to hear about the new proposals for yearly Jubilee celebrations. From now on the streets of London will be filled with flag waving people, their wide eyes glazed over, hypnotised with praise, bleating their mantra with devout excitement as they follow all the other people in the crowds. North Koreans would surely be proud of the level of brainwashing displayed by the British public for the last four days during the Diamond Jubilee.

There were, however, no calls for Gary Barlow to return, as the suicide rate in the country could rise to impossible levels.

“If I see that man’s inane grinning face singing his shit karaoke songs again I’ll shoot myself. He’s an untalented fat cu*t who is only worthy of a stint in a working man’s club somewhere in Scunthorpe. What an utter, utter, f*cking rotter,” a distraught Jubilee event TV watcher told BBC’s The Two Show, yesterday.

British Spirit of Adversity Shines Through on Gloomy Jubilee Weather

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“It’s not just about watching the royal flotilla pageant coming down the Thames whilst sipping your Pimm’s, you’ve also got to get a thorough soaking as well to really feel British. I’m proud of my Queen and country and as for the weather, that’s great too,” Julia Fortington Smythe, a thoroughly soaked Jubilee reveller waiting by the Chelsea bridge told the Telegraph on Sunday.

Dunkirk Spirit

One great point about Britain is the enduring spirit of its people through the most adverse conditions laid down by successive governments and royals. Through every indignity and horrible draconion law thrown at them by successive eras, they have taken it up the jacksie without so much as a whimper. Britain’s vast history is peppered with countless moments of hardship and turmoil for it’s people who seemed to have sailed through up to now and survived the onslaught.

Will the EU finally destroy Britain so it is swallowed up to become just another sheep-like slave zombie country in Europe, or will it keep its independence and national spirit — even though it has been attacked so viciously by Labour’s open door policy and unelected EU officials from Brussels?

“There is a reason why Britain is called Great Britain, not only for its conquering spirit but its leadership of the world. It continues to innovate in skill, design and ideas, even though manufacturing has all but been destroyed in this land, it still manages to make some useful things like mines and weapons to be used by despots around the world. The great thing about modern Britain is its amalgamation of pretty much everything from around the world. In other words, we’ve nicked half the wealth and natural resources from poorer countries. We should be proud of that, as well as the fact that the Jubilee celebrations will just showcase fair skinned English people having fun, and it’s a good thing the darkies have been shipped off to the outskirts for the day. You won’t see a dark face on the telly or the streets for a day, and that’s a huge bloody relief,” retired colonel, Arthur Devizes, told Sky news from Battersea.

Britons Getting Ready For Queen’s Jubilee Celebrations

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Around Britain, the nation is preparing to party like it’s 1952 all over again, only this time with better food and miles of Chinese made plastic bunting (1,500 miles of it, according to the latest estimates from Oxford mathematics professors).

Tesco is expecting to sell 200,000 bottles of cheap champagne from Romania, 2.8 million Victoria sponges baked in India and two million punnets of strawberries grown in Spain this weekend.

“This is going to be amazing we are so excited to celebrate her majesty’s incredible rule. Allahu Akbar,” Mohammed Al Makruni, a resident of Chigwell, Essex, told the BBC.

 

The Shanker gang from South London celebrating on their estate in Streatham

 

The Thames river procession, organised at a cost of £100.5 million to honour 60 years of Queen Elizabeth’s reign as monarch, will be the main event, celebrating the cultural richness of Britain in 2012.

“What better way to show the cultural diversity of Britain with a German Queen and a flotilla of refugee boats, some from the Sudan, some from Somalia, Tunisia, Morocco, Albania and Greece,” royal correspondent for the BBC, Jim Sacker, reported.

The flotilla of over 2,000 refugee boats will come up the Thames from Grays, Essex, then make its way up the river to Chelsea bridge where the refugees and illegal immigrants – who will have sailed on their last leg of the journey from France – will jump on shore and start the asylum process immediately.

American Crazy Season Starts Early This Year

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“Every year we get a little jump into the summer crazy season, it’s just a normal part of American society. What do you expect from a society where the majority of children are medicated up on drugs like Ritalin from the age of three and the majority of the American populace are on some kind of anti-depressants. Turn on any channel on American TV and you see adverts for drugs, that’s it, just advertisements telling you if you’re too happy take this, if you’re too sad take that, if you’re not feeling anything at all, take something else. Gone are the days when a child could be a child and jump around and have fun, they’re now deemed as hyperactive with ADHD and needs a dose of chemicals in his or her brain to make them into a walking zombie. What about if you’re too shy, that can be treated by drugs too. The long term damage to the brain that these drugs inflict are never talked about of course, and the proof is in the pudding, just try coming off these doctor prescribed drugs, you will see how dependent you have become and how your brain chemistry has already been permanently damaged. A society based on drugs and guns is not a healthy society, and it is not a model for longevity as a society. The doctors will of course tell you to take another drug or keep on the one you’re on. They do not advise anyone to come off the drugs under any circumstance. People with skewed opinions and thought processes naturally freak out more, they are not stable, and this is the crux of the matter, give these people guns like in America, and you have a dangerous cocktail of treacherous fear inducing psychosis waiting to boil over at any random moment. Naturally there are huge profits to be made by the drug industries that push these drugs on the people,” resident professor of psychology , Dr. Dean Brauer, at UCLA Medical School told the LA Times before being struck off for telling the truth.

As economic tensions increase, joblessness in America is now so severe that many people have simply just given up looking for work and are instead trying to eke out an existence purely from the land. The $20 trillion US deficit does not help the issue, because this means that America’s spending power is severely reduced with the huge burden of interest payments. Each state in America is now struggling with economic stagnation as the revenue deteriorates, how are Americans meant to keep their services running, their utilities, their energy costs?

What has Obama done, apart from stoke the fires of debt. He pushed for two bailouts and a crippling health bill that has simply left the budget in total disarray. How many golf games does it take to pay a social security bill that is higher than America’s tax receipts? With the Army and Navy tied up on two fronts in Iraq and Afghanistan, there is no end in sight for the billions of dollars spent on nothing. Afghanistan can never be won, because it is a Muslim country, and the Christian West cannot win in a Muslim country unless they kill every single man, woman and child. Until they do that, they are simply flailing around in the dark. Instead, the Muslims in these countries know that they must drag out the wars for as long as possible so that eventually the money in America is depleted to nothing. Already, after suckering George W. Bush and the Neocons into an expensive insurgent war, they have watched America waste trillions of dollars on thin air. The Muslim Arabs and Pashtuns have all the time in the world, their cultures have existed for thousands of years, whereas America is still in its diapers with regards to ancient knowledge and tactics.

As America implodes with its guns and drugs, Obama will have his second term, and he will not be playing the nice game anymore. He knows he will not need to be elected again, so the next agenda will be to definitely disarm the civilian population of the United States. Without this, there can not be any future for America because an armed people will be too dangerous for the elite, especially if they are slowly waking up to how they are being manipulated by the controllers. They want a placated population and not one armed to the teeth. Look at the UK, a place where the populations were disarmed in the 1930s and any governmental indignity and repressive laws can be foisted on them without so much as a burp or word. This too will be America’s future, and it will be an imperitive carried out with great speed and efficiency by the Obama administration. They have been itching to do this for so long that to them and most Americans, it will come as a huge relief. Take my gun, I’ve had enough, they will say.

Osborne to Tax U Turns

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This new U-turn tax is hot and straight out of the oven.

According to Treasury insiders, the new tax will certainly not be left to cool at room temperature but will be freshly baked and ready for consumption, no extra VAT added, of course.

“It’s really quite simple, one comes out with a budget that was not thought out properly and then one has to go back to the press later with some U-turns in policy. Well, I’m going to tax those very U-turns and I think the revenue raised from taxing the U-turns will be quite substantial. In fact, we could pay for more legislative taxation on U-turns with the extra U-turn taxes,” Mr Osborne said from parliament yesterday.

Blair Congratulates Assad on Job Well Done

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Mr Blair has been officially invited to Damascus to stay with the Assads in mid-June at the palace.

“When I saw the headlines about all those Arab children murdered in cold blood by Assad’s forces, I got goosebumps all over. You know how it is when you get moments of nostalgia, I too remembered the wonderful times Dubya and I had in Iraq and Afghanistan condemning millions of people to be displaced from their homes; dumping tonnes of depleted uranium on their land and carpet bombing large swathes of the country killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians. I have to say though, he hasn’t done nearly as good as I did, but then again, he doesn’t get pay offs from large banking institutions like I have,” Mr Blair said from the Leveson Whitewash Inquiry.

Mr Assad made a statement through Syrian state television last night: “My good friend Tony Blair is coming to visit me, just like he visited Colonel Gaddafi until he was deemed not useful anymore. I have tried to impress Tony with my killing sprees but speaking on the phone last night, he reminded me that I still have a long way to go innit until I get to his level of coldblooded murder.”

Cheryl Cole to Learn How to Play Musical Instrument

“This could take her years of practice and hard toil but she is determined to learn how to play the recorder,” her agent Matzos Wilder, told MTV.

The ‘talented singer’ has always wanted to play a musical instrument and is even considering getting singing lessons as well.

“It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, you know become musical, like actually learn how to play something or even write a little ditty. I heard that there were singers in the old days who would sing without an Antares autotune machine, I might even try that one day, as long as I can still mime to my studio tracks on stage,” Cheryl Cole told MTV.

The MTV reality show will follow the starlet through her musical training sessions where she will attend classes with children as young as six to learn how to play the recorder.

“I’ve seen her, she’s good at blowing the flute, she told me she had a lot of practice. How else do you think she got this far in the music biz?” a very lucky MTV producer, Lackey Luster, said on MTV news.

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