17.7 C
London
Saturday, October 31, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 669

Israel to Fight Over Gaza Rubble

0

“We are going to get the Palestinian rubble and bones and put them in a big rock crusher to make sand out of it. Maybe one day Gaza could be a beach or a holiday resort where retired Jews can wile away their days over the crushed bones and rubble of Palestinians,” Shimon Ben Kelev, one of the IDF generals told Haaretz news service.

It seems that every few years there is a cyclical element to the action, the frustrated Palestinians who are blockaded in their ghetto fire a few improvised fireworks across to their occupiers. In essence this is similar to the Warsaw ghetto where the hapless Jews would sometimes fight back at the Nazis who contained them in their ghettos and suppressed vital medicine and food.

Another general in charge of the imminent attack, Moshe Harah, said: “We have seventeen Abteilungsführer battalions and as the Bataillonskommandeur, I will direct the Blitzkrieg with brutal lightning force. Women, children, dogs, chickens, whatever it will be Ausschreitungen. They will be crushed under our Einfall and will be Eingeschlossen from all sides. We will push them into the sea away from the ghetto and the remaining Palestinians will drown like f*cking rats.”

Austere Europeans Moving to Africa

0

“Who needs the Palace of Versailles or the Roman Coliseum? I live in a shack now and I do not have anything apart from a few boxes, an old tyre, and a tin of sardines,” Brantnimes told Paris Match magazine.

Every day Brantnimes travels for miles to fetch water and carries it back to his corrugated iron home. He is lucky because many do not even have a solid roof over their heads but live in mud huts.

“People are happy here, they have nothing yet they still have something. In the West people have everything, yet they still have nothing. Over here I have met the happiest gentlest people and I am astounded at the hospitality by these people. In Paris if you ask someone for help, you will be lucky to get spit in your eye.”

Austere Europeans are flocking to Africa because things are so bad in the EU. According to Brussels, 60,000 Europeans sell what little they have left every day and journey to deepest Africa to make a new life for themselves.

Fatima Whitbread Proclaimed Movember Winner

1

“We just had to give it to Fatima. I mean November is not even over, and we declared her the winner mid month. You can’t get better than her moustache, it’s perfectly coiffed and she even waxes it every morning. A magnificent specimen if ever I saw one,” Constantine DeMarcos, one of the Movember judges told Sky news.

Fatima Whitbread entered the competition on the 1st of November and was crowned Movember winner by the 15th of the month. This is an amazing achievement and she has helped raise over £350 for mens charities.

An ecstatic Fatima Whitbread said today: “I will wear my Movember with pride. This is better than any gold medal at the Olympics.”

Miss Whitbread has won a big tub of moustache wax and a year’s supply of heavy duty jock straps for those intense Strictly Come Dancing sessions.

Since its humble beginnings in Melbourne, Australia in 2010, Movember has grown to become a truly global movement inspiring more than 1.9 Million men to participate with formal campaigns in Australia, New Zealand, the US, Canada, the UK, South Africa, Ireland, Finland, the Netherlands, Spain, Denmark, Norway, Belgium and the Czech Republic.

Starbucks and Amazon to Pay UK Taxes into Offshore Havens

0

Speaking from Amazon’s head office in Seattle, Washington state, senior accounting executive, Janet Herodelum, said: “Amazon makes billions of pounds in the U.K. and we have taken away business from actual U.K. companies based in their own country. We have siphoned off millions of pounds through many subsidiaries in tax haven countries, and bypassed British taxation. After the public outrage in the U.K. where a few people got slightly angry about this sneaky practice, we have agreed to pay full U.K. taxation — into one of our offshore accounts.”

The gesture from Amazon means that out of £985 million profit in the U.K. this year it will now pay tax amounting to £50 million to another secret account which they have labelled as U.K. taxation.

“I think what Amazon and the rest are doing is admirable. The U.K. hopes to see some of the money soon.” Giles Ernest-Postlewittle, a Conservative MP for Huntington told parliament yesterday.

The U.S. companies have promised to pay U.K. tax by the year 2090, and say they will keep the money safe in secret accounts until that date, or any date they wish to stipulate, or change at anytime they wish without notice.

Humanity Getting ‘Dumberer’ Says Scientist

0

“I just pulled myself away from watching X Factor and American Idol for five minutes to make a statement about humanity and intelligence on my Facebook page,” the scientist who formulated the new theory about humanity’s decline in intelligence, revealed.

Professor Humphrey Crabniggle, a geneticist at Stanford University in California, claims that humanity has been on a downward spiral for some time.

“It’s like, you know the instructions you see on a carton of milk on how to open it, or the Britney Spears album I just listened to in the car or the dumbed down TV and news I watch. Stupid people can breed these days and they are encouraged to do so by modern governments and the media. It’s great.”

In two and a half articles published in the journal Trends in Stupidity, the scientist lays out what might be called a defining theory in human stupidity.

The central issue of Professor Crabniggle’s thinking is a simple idea: “In the past, if you were stupid, you would die. Because you would get eaten or killed by something. Only clever people could breed and survive or not get eaten by sabre-toothed tigers or mobbed by some other tribe. These days though, stupid people are everywhere and can even breed and survive with impunity. In fact, the governments of today encourage stupidity and want people to be even more fucking stupid than they already are.”

As Crabniggle explains in the journal: “A hunter-gatherer who was not clever enough to figure out anything about food or shelter would die off, whereas a modern person is given rewards for being a stupid fucking moron, they get rewarded with food stamps and benefits or whatever they want from the governments of today. Not only that, their children are also encouraged to be stupid too. I mean, which modern government would want to have a clever population? That’s really dangerous, besides most people in government are even stupider than the regular population.”

Professor Crabniggle however ends on a positive note: “Stupid people are actually good for humanity because if people were clever, they might realise that things aren’t so good and they might try and make things better, or even try to topple governments. So keep surfing your Facebook and watching reality shows and living your stupid lives. Drink up your fucking Kool-Aid, everything is OK, it’s great to be stupid.”

Petraeus to Feature in Next Bond Movie ‘The Spies Who Loved My Every Move’

0

The new film is set in Benghazi, Libya, and features a top ranking US General who is caught in a love triangle whilst being monitored by agencies meant to be on his side.

“The thing is, Petreaus is balls deep in some serious Bond girly. No, we’re not talking Pussy Galore, but a hot biographer called Miss Broadwide who has a penchant for getting an all in session under the General’s desk whilst she’s telling other Mata Hari’s to back off,” executive producer, Domingo Espada told Empire magazine.

The majority of the film features just email conversations and huge scenes that would make even Roger Moore blush.

The Bond film’s title has also been debated by the screenwriters and producers.

The latest instalment in the Bond franchise will be released next year.

Fiscal Cliff Next to Deficit Mountain Near S*** Creek

0

“The only thing people are talking about now is the ‘Fiscal Cliff’. I don’t what that is or where it is but I heard from someone that it’s in Montana,” a confused postman from Kansas told CNN.

Capitol Hill insiders have been revealing to the U.S. population what the Fiscal Cliff is and how Obama is going to go straight over it soon.

“The Fiscal Cliff is a place right next to Deficit Mountain and it’s a place right in the middle of Shit Creek. Oh, and one more thing, in this creek is a lil boat with a guy called Obama in it. The boat don’t have a paddle, and it’s going over that cliff soon. I hope this explains the situation some,” the Capitol Hill insider revealed.

North Korea Gangnam Infection Has Worked Says Leader

0

“Gangnam style is North Korean psychological warfare on the South and it’s working. Anyone who does that shit just looks ridiculous and we have made the South Koreans look like complete imbeciles,” a senior North Korean psy-ops operative revealed to the Korean Central Broadcasting System yesterday.

Millions of people in South Korea, as well as the rest of the world, are now doing the Gangnam Style, and this has caused concern in uninfected nations.

Kim Jong Un, the new North Korean leader has applauded his operatives on an amazing brainwashing operation that has extended further than he ever dreamed about.

 

The Gangnam is often used in North Korean gulags to brainwash and re-educate citizens who have strayed from the path of Communist North Korea.

“Once you do the Gangnam Style, we can ask you to eat a dog poo off the sidewalk and you will. It is a form of brainwashing and mind control that is impossible to break away from,” another North Korean official revealed.

Man Trapped in Two Year You Tube Video Hell

0

“He goes from one video to the next, and he can’t stop. Things are so desperate now that we do not know what to do,” the man’s long suffering mother told local radio stations.

One of the fundamental things about the video web site You Tube is the ability to click on a related video after you have finished watching the one you were watching.

In a single 24 hour period, Robert Darrents, can watch over 14,500 clips of varying length and is so addicted to the site that he even has the website on permanent loop during his fifteen minutes of daily sleep.

“Yes, he still surfs You Tube during his sleep, somehow he shuts one eye and keeps the other one open with a matchstick while the You Tube playlist automatically goes from one clip to the next,” his mother, Maureen Darrents, revealed.

Council officials and health workers are aiming to help Mr Darrents by pulling the plug on the internet some time next week. Health officials will be on hand to assist if anything goes terribly wrong.

“We expect him to be thrashing and writhing on the floor uncontrollably. Medics will be present and we may have to strap Mr Darrents down as well as sedate him. He will then be taken to a rehabilitation centre for a slow long recovery. It may take over four years to get him to a level of normalcy,” Eric Jobsworth, a council health official told the Grimbsy Argos newspaper.

Depression Covered By Obamacare

0

“It’s a good thing I got that Obamacare because I am so depressed right now I could jump off a bridge,” a depressed Republican said before jumping off a bridge yesterday.

Some Republicans say that the Obamacare is not enough to cure their depression and are opting simply to leave America.

A prominent Tea Party member John Winters, said: “I been so depressed I turned to coffee.”

One thing is for sure, Obamacare mental health specialists are on hand to help any Republicans immediately with their depression.