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Newt Gingrich in LSD Shocker

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“I remember Newt in his trailer before the filming started, he was scooting along the floor talking about blue bubbles and mini mee dragons and the great fuckin’ time he had at executive drug rehab,” Johnson Arnolds, a key grip on the campaign shoot told CBS news.

Things got really weird when Newt got onto the set and started talking.

“He was talking some really weird shit. We tried to tell him to keep to the script but the little rascal kept goofing around with that nonsense shit. In the end we just called it a day and four people had to escort Newt to his trailer because he thought he was on the surface of the moon,” director, Timmy Olsen, revealed.

Some voters have actually applauded Gingrich for his drug taking: “I think he’s cool now. I was at Woodstock, and I know what it’s like to take some bad acid. Man, I was tripping for three weeks solid after that, dang nearly hospitalised me.”

There are calls for Mr Gingrich to be investigated by Drug Enforcement agents, as he was seen taking over six LSD tabs before the shoot.

 

Although he may have acquired a bad batch of acid, and it may have fried his brains permanently, he was still able to conduct himself well at a recent Republican rally in Wisconsin on Tuesday.

“Newt needs help because the acid literally fried his brain. He can’t string a coherent sentence together, I know Bush couldn’t either, but this is worse,” a Republican campaign manager told Fox News.

Newt’s ex-wife was not available for comment.

Come to Britain £26,000 For Not Working and Breast Implants on the NHS

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Britain’s porous borders are easy to get through, and there are little or no checks at the airports and ports as millions of people from across the globe come to what used to be Great Britain, for a lifestyle they could only dream about.

£1 Trillion UK Debt

“In Romania, if you make £300 in a year you are considered rich. I come to England to sell Big Issue magazine, and they give me £26,000 benefits, housing benefits, council tax exemption, breast implants on the NHS, veneered teeth on the NHS and I still make £250 a day selling the Big Issue. I send money back to Romania now and I build big f*cking palace. Next year I build two palace and maybe a brothel. Thank you English suckers,” Olga Latvayev, a Romanian woman from Lewisham told the Evening Standard.

An angry worker from Wimbledon said: “All across Britain, there are millions of families with benefits packages costing taxpayers fifty or sixty thousand pounds per annum minimum, and of course, there is no impetus for these people to work. Why should they? Britain’s problems will only get worse and worse as these leeches and feckless useless-eaters are mollycoddled for the rest of their lives, as others have to work to support them.”

Britain is now the sick man of Europe, an over burdened, over crowded piss hole country where no one wants to work.

“You cannot have a Conservative government in a socialist system. Britain will never break its debt burden without kicking the benefits packages to the floor. How can we as a nation get out of massive debt if the money Britain makes goes to prop up the feckless scum who are bleeding the nation dry? There is no way we will ever get out of debt because we have to pay for these useless excuses for human beings, in fact they contribute nothing to society. What’s the point in working when there are millions of people earning £60,000 in benefits and they get to play their playstation 3 consoles on 3D TVs and smoke drugs all day as well as get boozed up? Go into any of these low-life scum’s house and you’ll see that they’ve got all the latest gadgets, not only for themselves but for all their sink estate kids as well. The government is not only encouraging these loathsome broken sub-humans to breed, but is effectively encouraging them to not work,” another angry British worker told the BBC.

Britain has a socialist welfare system, which was effectively proposed by William Beveridge in the 1940s for post-war Britain and adapted by Labour’s Clement Attlee, when he came into power in 1945. That system is now outdated, and has been exploited to the point of reproach.

“If the system is socialist, then you can’t have a Conservative government come into that very system and try to govern. This will not be possible, because the system is socialist. The only way a Conservative government can therefore govern, is to break the socialist system and to replace it with a system that works and is profitable for the nation. Beveridge was a eugenicist, and espoused that those who receive benefits should not be allowed to breed. Maybe we need to adopt these original methods of controlling the reproduction of the sub-classes. If you want to go on benefits, we will first sterilize you. Socialist systems only work when there is money poured into them. When other people’s money runs out, then the socialist system stops working. This is one thing we have to tell the Fabians,” a Whitehall insider told the Times.

Cameron: "Scotland is Key to Britain Joining Euro Currency"

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We have seen brief glimpses of what Cameron wants with the recent murmurings about Scottish independence from the United Kingdom and the much touted referendum.

“What are the Scots going to do about their currency if they gain full independence from the 300-year-old union between England and Scotland?” we hear Cameron saying at PMQ’s amongst all the caterwauling and braying.

Let us say that Scotland was to be allowed to gain independence, because if truth be told, they would have to be given permission by England to go their own way. Scotland would be forced to embrace the euro currency much like Southern Ireland has.

Unelected EU technocrats know that the euro currency will have now infected Britain and they will use Scotland as a pawn in their conquest over the whole island.

“I know what an independent euro currency using Scotland would mean to the United Kingdom’s Sterling. It would mean that the euro will be used on mainland Britain and eventually we will phase out our Great British pound. Slowly, slowly, is the motto. Once Scotland gains the euro currency, its value will soar and there will be a call from England’s populations to also adopt this currency. By then, it will be too late, and England will be captured under the snare of the EU Reich via the backdoor. One must understand, that to bring in any draconian measures, any government must work with the drip-feed method of introduction to the populations. We can’t just go barrelling in there with the euro, that won’t work, we have to first get the Scots to adopt it, then the rest of the former UK will follow,” Mr Cameron told the Guardian newspaper on Friday.

Once the whole of Britain is fully integrated within the single monetary system the EU will be complete and its strength will be assured. This euro conquest will obviously be the precursor for many losses of freedom for the ordinary people as more and more ridiculous laws will be introduced into the fascist EU conglomerate. 

“Once Britain is destroyed by the euro, we will introduce microchipping of the populations and the abolition of cash. Monetary union will result in huge re-distributions of wealth from the wealthy citizens and nations to the poor less productive ones, and the former Britain will have its culture completely destroyed by huge influxes of EU citizens from the lesser parts of the German-led EU empire. The populations are now willing to accept anything without question, and in the future they will not even realise what they are being told. Such is the docility and dumbing down of these populations as well as complete breakdowns of family life that they will have no choice but to accept what we tell them to do. One thing is for sure, Cameron and Clegg will get the best seat in the house when they pull this one off,” a faceless EU official from Brussels told the German, Reichstag news service, yesterday.

Hollywood Studio Makes a Good Film

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“This is incredible. People paid to go and watch this movie because it was actually something special and was a good movie worth seeing in a cinema or forking over money for the DVD. We’re happy that for a change we created something worthwhile and not the useless pap we usually produce that no one cares about or wants to pay for,” Harvey Winklestein, studio boss of Winklestein Movie Studios, told LA Today.

Unfortunately, the recent success is a drop in the ocean as 99% of films released by Hollywood studios are awful remakes, Rom-Com template formulaic garbage, cutesy CGI cartoons, or re-hashed super hero films using the same old actors in the same old scripts.

With little goodness made in the studios, deluded Hollywood moguls are now trying to push their weight by shutting down the freedom of the internet with their fascistic SOPA rulings reminiscent of something from George Orwell’s 1984.

“We’re losing our money here. The public would prefer to flick through a film on the internet for free rather than pay huge amounts of cash to sit through an awful travesty of a film presented by some fat f*ck cigar sucking leech producer who drives a Bentley and talks loudly on cell phones in expensive Hollywood eateries. Oh shit, I’m talking about myself again,” Jacob Shmendrik, a top producer for Fox Studios told CBS news.

Captain of Doomed Italian Cruise Liner Abandoned Ship Before Passengers

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“He was even ordering cocktails and eating olives off the naked bodies of dozens of young ladies as the ship lurched sideways and was evidently sinking,” one of the waiters on the ship told Rai Uno.

The good ship Italia had its hull ripped to shreds when it hit the rocks after getting perilously too close to the shoreline.

“The captain ordered us to get closer to the shore, because he said there was a girl with big breasts he wanted to see. How could we refuse such an order,” the captain’s deputy, told Italian reporters.

As soon as the captain realised that the ship Italia was doomed, Berlusconi ordered his troupe of Bunga Bunga women onto a lifeboat and abandoned ship leaving the rest of the crew and passengers to fend for themselves.

New Antony Worrall Thompson Game Out

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The new Grand Theft Tesco game will star the daring chef pilfering a bit of cheddar and a cheap bit of plonk from a Tesco store.

“That’s pretty much the premise of the whole game, he hijacks a few Tesco baskets, negotiates around some crazed Tesco security men, then tries to run out of the door without getting caught,” games developer, Roquefort Star Games told PS3 Today magazine.

‘Every little helps!’ as they say, and when you shove a bit of brie into your chef trousers whilst dodging a camambert weilding granny or two, you know you’re living in the fast lane.

People will be queuing all of Sunday night around the country for the release of the game first thing on Monday morning.

Game enthusiast, Mitch Warner, 48, said: “I’ve had a sneak peak at the game and just seeing Worral Thompson nicking those cheddars in broad daylight like that, it’s just so f*cking dairy. If I don’t get this game tomorrow, I’m going to have an emmental breakdown!”

Tesco profits were hit on Friday with a 15% drop, and CEO, Ronnie Stilton, blamed “That thieving bastard Worrall Thompson for the amount of cheese he’s pilfered over the years.

image: grotpig b3ta

Outrage Over Video of S&P Executives Urinating on Euro

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The U.S. Treasury declared on Thursday that an investigation will be performed in relation to the S&P’s behaviour.

The attention of the U.S. Treasury was drawn by the French President Nicolas Sarkozy who requested an immediate investigation. He described the Standard & Poor’s actions as “inhuman” in a statement on Thursday.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed with Sarkozy that the video was “deplorable” and he promised that the Treasury will carry out an investigation.

The actions in the video were furthermore depicted as illegal by the top Treasury chairman, Ben Bernanke.

“This urination video takes us and the euro back to the stone age. I thought they [the Americans] were civilized but I was wrong. Showing a bunch of S&P downgraders pissing on some euro notes is despicable. I have a good mind to merde on a few dollars. Allez, bring me some smelly dollars now so I can make a smelly poo poo onto it and don’t forget the video either,” Mr Sarkozy said in a fit of anger at the Élysée Palace yesterday.

Fergie to Star in Remake of Midnight Express

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According to her agent, the Duchess is very excited about the role and will even spend a whole year in a Turkish prison to see what it’s really like.

Speaking at a hotel along the Bospherus, she said: “Well, I’ve been in a Turkish bath once before, and I’ve been to a few Turkish orphanages, but the thought of going to a Turkish prison really excites me. I wonder if the cell has room for all of my Louis Vuitton bags?”

Because of Fergie’s desperation for funds, especially with a £6.5 million credit card bill she can’t possibly ever pay back, she jumped at the chance to star in the film when there were no other takers.

Turkish prisons are said to be some of the worst in the world, and the original Midnight Express film depicted scenes of torture, brutality and deprivation that has coloured the view of Turkey’s human rights record ever since.

Oliver Stone, who wrote the original screenplay, has been drafted in for the remake, but director Alan Parker will give it a miss this time instead, director Eli Roth has stepped into his boots.

“Sticking Fergie into a Turkish prison has been the wish of many people, especially some prominent members of the royal family, mentioning no names, of course,” a palace aide told the Times.

Obama Teleprompter Breaks Down During Bedroom Session With Wife

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The tele-hiccup occurred two nights ago and relegated Mr Obama to the White House couch in the East Room after a spat with his angry wife.

According to White House insiders, the president was taking orders on what to say to Michelle in the presidential bed, when his teleprompter blinked shut. The president was naturally lost for words and started stuttering madly. The First Lady was not amused by the performance and threw Barack out of the bed ordering him to sleep on the couch in the East Room. When White House officials arrived in the morning for a meeting, they found the president sprawled out on the White House couch in his pyjamas and no sign of a teleprompter. He was immediately brought a new one and the meeting started.

Unfortunately for Mr Obama, his teleprompters have been malfunctioning frequently as of late. Some say it could be a Russian, Chinese or Republican plot to unseat the president and cause him distress. Extra secret service men have now been drafted in to guard each machine, and extra maintenance staff are also on 24 hr standby.

“We got teleprompters in every room of the White House. Two days ago it broke down in his bedroom just as he was about to bone Michelle, and yesterday, the president’s teleprompter broke down in the toilet. He had to yell for help because he could not remember what to say about asking for a new toilet roll. It’s really that bad, and it’s way worse when we have to travel. You try wheeling that thing around all over the place and up six flights of stairs,” White House aide, Ari Fleischer, told CBS news.

Female MP Angry For Not Being Taken Seriously After Posing For Men's Magazine

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Don’t mention the Mensch, or her pert tits for that matter, because posing in a provocative manner in a men’s magazine is the done thing to do in parliament these days; especially if you’re a Chelsea chick lit author with a passion for cocaine binges in record company toilets and twitter spats with other nobodies on the internet.

“I need to be taken seriously all the time. Here, look at my curves, they’re all about that proportional representation(s) or summink I read. I’m good at politics, like I will debate for hours and hours about what eye shadow to wear and how thin my thong should be. Let’s discuss my new photo shoot. Do you think I was pouting enough as I showed off my taut, well toned body to all the men, who will no doubt got their knobbers out and stick the magazine pages together? No, seriously, I want to be taken seriously. How about a bit of legislation? I want to write a white paper about something or rather, maybe a pink paper, or how’s about a red paper with green polka dots. We need to make parliament more pretty, and parliamentarians need to bow down to my beauty when I walk in the chamber. I’m sure everyone’s daydreaming about taking me behind the House of Commons restaurant and entering my chamber. Ooh er, missus, know what I mean?” Menschy Mensch, the Right Honourable pinup told the Sun.

This feisty, beautiful, and of course un-surgeried lady, is in fact a breath of glamorous fresh air in the dark corridors of Westminster, and she should be applauded for her stoutheartedness in a not too welcoming atmosphere.