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Home Blog Page 669

Next Round of Simon Cowell Creations Hits Music Charts This Week

Entertainment

August 31, 2012

Next Round of Simon Cowell Creations Hits Music Charts This Week

“It’s the same old shit for you week in week out for the next thirty or forty years,” pop svengali Cowell has told a Music Biz event honouring his fifteen years of audio assault on music.

The Music Biz has been reduced to X-Factor people polluting the airwaves at all times of the day, and just when you think it is all over, more come in an endless stream of banal un-musical murder violating every pore in your being.

“It is not bad enough that these people have little or no talent, or that they are simply doing a mediocre karaoke act, it is the fact that these people have not one iota of originality, creative spirit or rock star verve. They should be strung out on heroin in a corner with blood coming out of their noses strumming on a f*cking guitar. Now that is art. That is music. That is pure creativity. Not some sterile corporate autotuned vocoder monkey pawn shameful regurgitated detritous,” a destitute musician told Melody Maker magazine.

Obama Approval Rating May Need Another Bin Laden Shooting

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 31, 2012

Obama Approval Rating May Need Another Bin Laden Shooting

“We’re going to have to fish Osama out of the water and shoot him again so that Obama can get another approval rating boost,” senior covert military strategist, Rudi Fenelatez, told Fox news today.

The last Bin Laden shooting saw a little poll rise for Obama but the lack of a death photo was a slight dampener on proceedings.

“This time we need to release the photos and they got to be believable like Saddam and Ghaddafi’s pics were. It’s only then that Obama’s ratings will hit the roof. He could even win the election just on that,” Obama’s chief US election campaigner revealed at a White House press conference.

cartoon: Hajo de Reijger

Paralympics Proof That Disability Allowance Could Be Cut

Sports

Lewis Jenkem

August 30, 2012

Paralympics Proof That Disability Allowance Could Be Cut

“Look at these Paralympians. Bloody hell, I’m fully able and I can’t do a fraction of what they’re doing. Swinging from handle bars in their wheelchairs, pole vaults on crutches, 100m sprints on springs, it’s enough to make your bloomin’ head spin,” a Whitehall policy maker told the Sun newspaper.

Iain Duncan Smith, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, was ready to break the news today about the benefits cuts, but may have to wait until the Paralympics are over so as not to annoy any of the Paralympian athletes.

“The government is frankly amazed at the astounding achievements of these so-called disabled Paralympians. They’re definitely not handicapped in any way. They in fact show the adversity, strength and determination that would make any so-called normal person bow their heads in shame. This is why they do not need disability benefits payments anymore. They have shown that it does not matter how disabled you are, you can still do a lot of work. We want them all to join the workforce regardless of their disability. From October, Disability Benefit payments will be abolished. You can thank the Paralympics for that one. Blimey look at that wheelchaired bloke go. Whoosh!” Mr Duncan Smith, told the BBC today.

Thanks to the bravery and sheer determination of the Paralympians, the taxpayer will save over £4.9 billion per annum from October.

Britain Could Send First Chavs to Mars By 2021

Sci/Tech

Lewis Jenkem

August 30, 2012

Britain Could Send First Chavs to Mars By 2021

The manned mission will be named “Chav-One” and in just over eight years, fourteen chav astronauts will emigrate to the red planet, soon to be joined by thousands more every year after.

“By 2021 there will be over sixty chavs living and flourishing on Mars, their new home,” Chav-One’s mission commander Bill Brundle told the BBC.

Asbonauts

The Chav-One mars mission will ensure that a Council Estate colony is established within the Schiaparelli crater. There will be a Benefits office pod, a recreation pod and even a place where chavs can riot or steal stuff at their leisure. The chavs will also be able to grow their skunk weed in special growing pods and do donuts in a special Tesco car park pod.

Councils across the UK can’t wait to offload their chavs onto the new Mars space program.

As a mission councillor, Dolores Triblewaite insists that the project “seems to be the only way to get rid of all the f*cking chavs in the United Kingdom.”

These soon-to-be Martians will be rounded up and put into holding cells situated on prison ships offshore until they are blasted into space.

However, there is a drawback: when you emigrate to Mars under this mission’s custodianship it is strictly on a one-way ticket.

“Yes, it’s true. I’m afraid it is a one way trip for these chavs. When they go to Mars, there is no way back. I know this may sadden a lot of people but there it is,” Ms Triblewaite added.

Shamed Kristen Stewart Has Joined Nunnery on Isle of Skye

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 25, 2012

Shamed Kristen Stewart Has Joined Nunnery on Isle of Skye

“Kristen is so ashamed of herself that she may take many years of silent prayer to atone for her myriad of sins. She is so terribly ashamed that she has shaved her hair completely and has not uttered a single word since her break up with her former Twilight co-star and lover R-Patz,” her agent disclosed from Beverly Hills.

The Sister’s Sanctum nunnery is situated 12 miles from Portree near Trotternish.

The nuns who live and work at the convent do not care that Kristen used to be a Hollywood star and have welcomed her with open arms.

“She will pray in the morning, then we take food, eating in total silence. Daily chores are given to each sister, then more prayer. We also grow all of our own food and once a week we go to town to help the people any way we can,” Sister Mary told the BBC.

Twilight fans worldwide accepted her fate and are said to be warming to her once more after the major trauma of the last month or so.

New Eco Car Runs On Coal

Sci/Tech

Lewis Jenkem

August 25, 2012

“Forget about lithium batteries and electricity, coal power is where it’s at. It’s cheap, efficient and even though there is a little smoke, it’s no big deal,” Erik Marchioness, CEO for e-Coal Systems LLC. told Wired magazine in a recent interview.

According to Mr Marchioness, the year 2020 will be full of coal powered cars trundling down America’s freeways puffing away into the sky.

“Forget about oil, look at coal, it’s cheap, we got tonnes of it and you can achieve a top speed of 45 miles per hour with it. Heck, if you put more in the burner, you can achieve 60 mph going downhill. This is the future because oil is gone, it’s outta here. Forget about dealing with the Arabs, once their oil is gone they’re going to go back to sheep herding, because there will be nothing left for them. The years 2020-30 will be a crucial decade when we as humanity make some pretty scary decisions. Do we want to be powered by the oily stuff, or really expensive fuel cells, or coal? I say coal, and I know humanity will embrace coal so that we can finally say goodbye to oil dependency,” the CEO added.

Prototypes of the coal powered vehicles have already been published and it seems each coal powered vehicle will have it’s own coal truck and water tank. Running costs will be reduced by as much as 80%, and even though running a horse and cart would be cheaper still, at least coal powered vehicles will be able to achieve relatively high speeds, although cornering on tight bends in the road will be more dangerous when hauling a coal truck, or going up hill.

“These vehicles are essentially steam powered by coal. You can imagine what a Monday morning commute will be like, you will be lucky to see the f*cking road and go into work with a black face. Do we really want more polluting hunks of metal clogging up our roads even more? No, and I say to Mr Marchioness, you sir are a prize idiot. What else are you going to propose, steam powered submarines?” a critic of e-Coal Systems told a US government sponsored meeting on eco vehicles of the future.

The debate is on, are coal powered vehicles really the future after world oil reserves have finally be depleted. These are exciting times ahead.

Prince Harry Could Have Benefits Cut

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 23, 2012

Prince Harry’s chav credentials have been confirmed by his spokesman.

Prince Harry’s spokesman, Lawrence Granger, made a statement on behalf of the prince, who is in hiding at the moment after nude photographs were published of the prince yesterday: “The prince is very sorry for the hurt he has caused his family, the army and his late mother. Prince Harry has blamed his crazy antics on many factors. He is a product of a broken home, his family are living off taxpayers and he has grown up on estates all his life. He has also spent time in institutions which have made the problems worse.”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron has suggested that Prince Harry could have his benefits cut if he does not pull his weight and get a job or carry on with his Job Seekers program.

“We are monitoring Prince Harry’s case very closely, and we feel that he needs some serious help to get out of his chavvy ways. I am suggesting a taxpayer funded safari trip for young offenders could get him on the right track and also community service, which could give him a sense of responsibility and civic duty. We must try and instill some decent values in this miscreant, and I’m willing to hug the hoody, or should I say hug the Harry. Chavs like him need care and attention and not aggressive methods of rehabilitation. If you get too harsh with them they riot, as happened last summer,” Mr Cameron told Radio 4’s Politics program today.

The defiant prince ignored pleas to change his ways today by buying up a souped up Seat Leon Cupra with 54 inch rims, undercar lighting, tinted windows, a 50 inch diameter exhaust and a sound system that can make a corgi explode all over the upholstery.

Athens Last Chance on Last Chance on Last Chance

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 23, 2012

Athens Last Chance on Last Chance on Last Chance

“This is the last chance of the last chance saloon in the last chance of the last chance within a massive last chance,” Mr Juncker said yesterday after meeting Greek PM Antonis Samaras.

The Greek Prime Minister was in jovial mood as he was given yet another last chance: “The Germans have given us another chance within another chance, of course we had another chance last week, and the week before that too. They have given us one chance after another. Stupid krauts are giving us another chance, what a bunch of suckers.”

The Greek last chance show will be repeated every few months for the next twenty to thirty years so don’t miss the last chance on the Greek euro question for another chance to catch the last chance.

Prince Harry Has Lost His Nazi Uniform Again

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 22, 2012

Prince Harry Has Lost His Nazi Uniform Again

“Over and over we tell him to keep his Nazi uniform on but here he is again photographed without it frolicking in the nude. Oh dear Prince Harry, what on earth are we going to do with you?” James Albright, a royal palace spokesman was recorded as saying today by the Daily Telegraph.

Prince Harry also lost his trusty swastika arm band and another one will have to be made up for him when he gets back to Blighty.

“You know these Germans, any chance to take off the old Nazi gear and get stuck in strafing some Yankee bint with his Stuka,” a royal commentator told the BBC today.

Meanwhile, back in Balmoral, Prince Philip was said to be incandescent with rage at the news the young prince had lost his uniform once again.

Todd Akin Was Legitimately Raped in Disabled Mall Toilet

World

Lewis Jenkem

August 22, 2012

Todd Akin Was Legitimately Raped in Disabled Mall Toilet

“I was legitimately raped in the ass by a big black man called Bubba. My emotions saved me though and I released a hormone so I won’t get AIDS,” Mr Akin said from his hospital bed.

The Senate hopeful will be released from hospital tomorrow and will continue his campaigning for the Republican party.

“If you have a belief in Jesus and you get raped, God releases emotions and hormones that stop bad things happening to you. My belief is the same if women are raped and the body releases a hormone and their emotions stop the sperm. It’s all true because I read it in the bible damn it,” Mr Akin added before rolling his eyes and getting back to his bible study.

Doctors today confirmed that Mr Akin has been legitimately infected with HIV.