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Secret Papers Reveal How Thatcher Cabinet Would Regularly Dress Up As Scousers

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Senior ministers including the former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, would regularly have special cabinet meetings dressed in scouser costumes, the National Archive papers reveal.

“We do dat doe don’t we doe?” Michael Heseltine, would often say giving former Chancellor Geoffrey Howe a friendly scouser head butt.

Former Number10 aide, Rupert Curmudgeon, recalled: “Everyone including Maggie would be wearing a scouse perm wig, moustache and cheap suit. It was like being in fookin’ Brookside Close or an episode of Bread, like. They’d get the lager out and joke around. Those were the good times, we all enjoyed Scouse Thursdays. I was recently in Liverpool and was being mugged, and I thought to myself, it was just like the old days in Maggie’s cabinet.”

How Long Before the EU Concentration Camp Chimneys Start Churning Smoke Again?

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Those who forget and subdue their past are doomed to repeat it, as the Germans, French and Italians are doing right now. Whatever they try and do, this is the final nail in the coffin for Europe’s freedom as a new cohesive treaty will ensure that all democracy and individualism is snuffed out — just as the prisoners in the shower rooms were when the Zyklon B tablets fell down the mesh tubes and gassed them to death.

To understand the serious nature of the threat of fascism in Europe, cast your mind back to 1930s Germany and Italy, and the rise of fascism.

This Europe that we have today, is very similar to the Reich of the past except there is no outward show of military power. If the hypnotised citizens of the EU were ever to try and question their predicament, the full force of the EU’s fascist force would however come down on them hard and show them who’s boss.

It is only a matter of time before, inch by inch, the EU is revealed to be a totalitarian dictatorship that will be used for mass genocide on a huge scale that will dwarf the technical efficiency in killing of the Eichmann era of Nazi Germany in the 1940s.

Nicolas Sarkozy, is a Nazi sympathiser and practitioner himself, as can be seen with his recent purge of Roma Gypsies from France as well as his racist fascist rants against peoples of other faiths and ethnic backgrounds.

Germany, according to many German ministers and financiers, is infected with low IQ Turkish grocers, who will one day feel the wrath of the searing ovens as the indigenous population reclaims their country from the high frequency breeding Gastarbeiter as they colonise the inner cities. As with any mass genocide, the cleansing will start slowly, then pick up pace as new more efficient final solutions are found.

“The EU has many undesirable populations like the Muslims, Africans and Gypsies in France and Germany and these will be either expelled or killed off. In Europe, there is no place for the Untermenschen, and we will eradicate these people by any means possible,” a high ranking German banker, Thilo Sarrazin, told German state television last night.

Even in the UK, there are increasing reports of racially charged assaults and outbursts by seemingly ‘normal white people’, but these are mere symptoms of the Hegelian dialectic where the problem of increased immigration was allowed and encouraged to happen by successive governments for a very good reason — to create discord, disharmony, hatred and fear amongst the indigenous populations.

An immigration open door policy was allowed to occur so as to create a problem of overcrowding in urban areas; destruction of indigenous culture, valuable resources being used up, intolerance and racism to flourish.

“First you create the problem, then you wait for the people to cry out, then you move in with a solution that enslaves the people even further than they already are,” Gunther Mauser, a German politician told Die Welt newspaper.

Oxford Street End of Year Stabbing Sale Goes Well

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The stabbings did not top last year’s record of forty seven knifings but the poor showing was attributed to the unseasonal weather.

“We had warm weather this year and it didn’t make the shoppers agitated enough. Usually when it’s freezing, they get really riled up and start stabbing like mad,” Constable Peter Milkin, told the Evening Standard.

By mid-afternoon on Boxing Day, the cleanup crews were out in the streets mopping up the mess of Nike trainers, knives, ripped hoodies and blood.

“It’s like a tradition we have every year. The shoppers love it, it’s a bit of entertainment, you know like the bull run in Pamplona. You can either get your discounted shirt and tie or get a six inch knife through your pancreas. Oh nevermind, there’s always next year, you never know, you could be the lucky one next time,” one of the shop owners on Oxford Street told a BBC reporter on the scene.

Tube Drivers Demand Chauffeur Driven Limousines

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London tube drivers, who are paid £65,000 per annum with expense accounts, final salary retirement plans, pay increases every few months and free rail travel perks for them and their whole families, are said to be disgruntled that union bosses have not come up with a better deal regarding travel to work every day.

“We are demanding a chauffeur driven limousine drives us to our respective stations every day so we can sit in a train for a few hours and push a dead man’s handle between stations. Why should I have to pay for petrol in my own car to get to the station where I work?” striking tube driver, Keith Arusholle, told the BBC.

Travellers on London’s Underground network face disruption as drivers belonging to the union Aslef stage another 24-hour strike over working conditions and pay.

Last week, Aslef negotiated another 15% pay rise for the tube drivers and a £7,000 bonus to work during the Olympic games.

Aslef secretary, Barry Blackmailer, told a news conference: “Ho, ho, ho. Once again we want ordinary Londoners to suffer so we can increase our wealth. No doubt, council tax will have to rise to pay for our union members to live the life of Riley. So get to it idiots, pay up, and remember, there will be another 23% hike in train fares as well. Merry f*cking Christmas!”

Michelle Obama Throws Punches Over New Air Jordans

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“I told the Air Force One jet to take a detour and Barack was forced to agree with my wishes. I needs to gets me some of those Air Jordans. I went over to the sto’ and I said ‘Gibs me’ those shoes when a big ol’ mutha tried to take them shoes from my grip. Let’s just say hell hath no fury for a first lady scorned. I nailed that bitch into the middle o’ next week…and then some,” Mrs Obama told the North Carolina Herald newspaper.

The disturbance started inside Carolina Place Mall just after 7am when the Obama entourage arrived.

Witnesses said forty five SUVs and a helicopter arrived at the mall as officials opened the mall doors, crowds of people pushed their way in including Mrs Obama and some secret service men.

“Michelle almost took the door off the hinges. I heard her hollerin’ tellin’ the secret service boys to get as many Air Jordan’s as possible while she bagged four pairs herself,” one shopper who didn’t want to be identified said, “there were women with babies in their hands and they on their backs. Michelle didn’t care though, she said she was putting herself number one fo’ a change.”

Michelle Obama, is known for her love of shoes and is not averse to spending $4,000 on a pair of flip flops even though the U.S. is currently battling a debt of 114.5 Trillion Dollars, she has already spent $17 million on holidays this year alone.

Argies Think It's 1982 All Over Again

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“Argentina’s posturing over the British Falkland Isles is the equivalent of Morocco trying to claim the Canary Islands. Just because something is near something else, does not mean it is yours. One thing the Argies don’t know is that we’ve got quite a lot of nuclear subs in that region and we can flatten Argentina if we so wish. So back off you Argies, unless you want to meet your pals at the bottom of the sea in their Belgrano coffin,” an angry Falkland islander told the Penguin News.

The Argentinians have been smarting about the Falkland Islands recently after British oil exploration company Rockhopper discovered a massive oil reserve just off the coast of the Falklands causing its share price to shoot up.

Argentinian president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, has been spreading her good cheer about the Falklands by introducing a South American wide shipping embargo and using threatening language against the UK.

“As soon as we saw those British oil companies, Desire and Rockhopper sniffing around the Malvinas, we suddenly jolted up and said, hey, these are our islands. Anyway, we’re up for another defeat when we try again. This time we’ll have our friends with us and they’ll get a good clunking from the Brits too. We never learn, do we,” Ms Kirchner told Argentina’s state news station, Canal Siete.

Could this be Cameron’s Maggie moment he has so been waiting for?

Italian Scientists: "Jesus Looked Like a Medieval European Man"

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“Our analysis of the Turin Shroud proves that Jesus looked like a Medieval European man, proving that he rose from the dead and left a mark on the shroud. This further backs up all other Christian imagery of Christ wherein he is always depicted with blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin and European features,” Giacomotto Vafanculo, chief scientist of the Turin project told the Italian Rai Uno TV station on Monday.

The profound findings will back up the Christian church’s assumptions that Jesus was an actual son of God character that actually existed.

“Even though he was Jewish, he didn’t look like any Jews of the time, he only looked like a Medieval man in 15th century Europe. I have told the pope myself about this amazing finding,” another scientist working on the project revealed.

Just days before Christmas, the scientific Turin Shroud news has been hailed by Christians as a remarkable miracle.

Jim Bob, 45, a pastor at the Dukesboro Baptist Church from Kentucky, USA, said: “This is proof right there. I’m gonna go tell my congregation right now about this news. Praise our lord Jesus Christ, hell, they put him in that shroud and God wanted his son back so his body floated up from the cave. When they opened the cave all they found was the Turin shroud with his exact European features imprinted on the cotton.”

Next year, the Italian scientists are planning to dig up a mountain somewhere in the Middle East to find traces of the animals that went in to Noah’s Ark two by two.

“Noah got every animal on earth, even insects like mosquitoes and kangaroos, as well as animals only found in the Amazon rainforest, and he got them to go up a ramp into a very big boat. Let’s just say, to carry every species of animal, insect and bird, you’re gonna need a big, big boat. It was even bigger than Silvio Berlusconi’s Bunga Bunga boat and that’s saying something,” Guido Guadagnino, another scientist on the huge project revealed.

No The Daily Squib Will Not Open an Office in North Korea

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As the thousands of grieving crowds wept in the streets in the main square where communist shows of military strength are held every year, there were reports of North Koreans even jumping off high rise buildings.

Not since British former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown’s resignation have there been such scenes of utter despair amongst a population.

The much anticipated publication of the North Korean edition of the Daily Squib had unfortunately been thwarted by a communist party censor deeming the whole newspaper a danger to the state.

“I was waiting to read the first edition. We were waiting for ten years. Every day, they say you can read the Daily Squib, then the next day they say it come tomorrow, then the next day they say we have to wait one more week. How much longer do we have to wait so we can read the Daily Squib? I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to commit hara kiri. Oh, that’s Japanese, never mind,” a very upset North Korean Daily Squib fan told state news before being taken away to a re-education camp.

Americans Leave Iraq After Using Up All the Oil

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Speaking from what used to be Iraq’s main oil refinery in the Salaheddin province north of Baghdad, but is now dry as a bone, Operations Director, Johnson Hick, said: “It is with great sadness that we will leave this place but there ain’t no more oil left. We used all of it up, and now we have to move onto the next oil country, which is your neighbour, Iran. Thank Jesus they’re dabbling in nuclear stuff because without that we’d have no excuse to invade the sons of bitches. As soon as we get the go ahead from Israel, we’ll start sending in more of our young soldiers to die for oil.”

America uses up 58% of the world’s resources and needs to constantly find new resource rich countries to invade so it can stay afloat. The Iraq war was responsible for an indeterminate number of Iraqi civilian deaths numbering in the hundreds of thousands and millions of displaced people from their own country. The United States peppered the country with vast amounts of depleted uranium causing permanent damage to the populations affected.

“We are the largest users of oil in the world and we need more countries to invade. We recently got Libya, which is the eighth largest oil producer in the world with an estimated 47 billion barrels, and that should last us until 2013. That’s why Iran is next on our list. Ultimately, we would like to get Saudi Arabia, but we sold them lots of our weapons so we’ll have to wait until those are out of date,” Mr Hick said.

Thanks to the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the world is a lot more dangerous, with increasing terrorism, economic inequality, starvation and instability.

British Gastronomy Stays AAA When French Food Now AA

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Malheureusement, we have had to downgrade the cuisine de notre compatriats to AA because frankly nous sommes malades of the same old frog’s legs and escargots. I had a piffling raw steak l’autre jour and I vomited into a bucket afterwards. We call that cuisine Française? Give me roast beef, crispy pommes de terre and some f*cking gravy any day. How’s about a bit of oeufs and frites or a full English? I know I’m a grenouille myself but I can’t take the oeufs au plat Meyerbeer anymore, how’s about a deep fried mars bar stuffed in a Heston Blumenthal nettle soup marinated with raw unwashed potato skins and a dose of food poisoning. ‘Ere I was on that Master Chef the other day, who’s that brick layer barrow boy? He told me my soufflé was weak, I told him to go and lay some bricks on a wall, the f*cking English peasant. But, at the end of the jour, mes amis, c’est une grande tragédie,” Senior Chef at the Institute, Dominique Strauss Sperme, told Le Monde newspaper.

The French have been so angry at their cuisine being downgraded that they have threatened to blockade the Channel Tunnel and ferry ports indefinitely until their AAA gourmet rating is reinstated.

Speaking from Paris, the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, said: “We will ask the Germans to invade England and show them that we mean business. Soon the English cochons will be begging for mercy and they will give up their false AAA food rating. I am going to phone my boss, Angela, right now, you English have eaten your last Bubble and Squeak.”