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Home Blog Page 672

Tories Unpopular Even If They're Socialists

World

May 4, 2012

Tories Unpopular Even If They're Socialists

“We’ve tried to be socialists and people still hate us,” Mr Cameron blubbed into his mug of warm flat champagne.

Indeed, the Tory drive to be just like their socialist counterparts, the Labour party, has seriously backfired, because there is nothing worse to the voter than an insipid fake Tory trying to be a socialist.

“The Tories are idiots, they should be Tories and not socialistic arseholes like Labour. It just does not work to have a watered down version of the Conservative party. Unfortunately, since they mixed their ranks with the yellow of the Lib Dems, they have acquired the pallor of p*ss water and the consistency of runny poo. Such is the demise of the Consevatives under the weak piteous wretch Cameron, that they are just not fit for purpose anymore. Look what they have done with the economy, it’s a patchwork of nonsensical half-baked policy bolstered by such high levels of taxation that any moron with half a f*cking brain could see that it will take this country further into the mire. You don’t have to be a f*cking economist to know that, you don’t have to get a doctorate at the LSE to know that. The Tories are disgusting cowards, shameful sh*t bags with no spine who tried to emulate what Britain is used to, a socialist government, and failed miserably. Cammo needs to go and walk out into Britain’s streets and see for himself, let him try and hug a hoodie and get a six inch knife through his liver,” an angry ex-voter told the Guardian newspaper.

When Labour wins the next general election, the Conservatives will possibly never win an election in the UK again. This will be due to the fact that the UK is now indelibly addicted to the social benefits and welfare system and is basically a socialist country now. The people of Britain like the comfort of having champagne socialists ripping them off whilst pretending to be ‘for the people’. The British welfare system, created in post-war Britain in the 40s is what defines the UK now and the Conservative government are themselves existing in a socialist system. If you create a Labour-orintated system with millions of people dependent on state handouts and welfare system, then you will always have a core of supporters and votes. There can never be a Conservative government in a country where the whole infrastructure and population is geared towards the welfare state and mollycoddling meddling governmental interference of the socialistic system.

This is one lesson the Conservatives will never learn as they lose time and time again.

Theresa May: London Olympics Could Be Held At Heathrow

Sports

Lenny Ant

May 2, 2012

Theresa May: London Olympics Could Be Held At Heathrow

“Athletes and visitors from foreign countries do not technically have to go through immigration then because they will be watching and partaking in the Olympics from Heathrow airport,” May told a Commons hearing on the Olympics fiasco today.

Instead of it taking four hours for each and every Olympic visitor to go through UK immigration border control , Olympic fans will now be able to watch a bit of track and field maybe or check out the synchronised swimming team all from the comfort of Heathrow airport.

“We can easily use Heathrow’s runway on Terminal 4 as a track, and we want to flood the arrivals lounge to put in an Olympic swimming pool. How’s about a bit of boxing in the WHSmith’s? We can put in a few rings there, and the luggage belt could be a good cycle track. Don’t know about the pole vault though, maybe we can do it near the boarding gates over the piles of discarded luggage?” Geoff Allinson, Heathrow’s general manager told the BBC.

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, said the idea was “brillo” and suggested that having the women’s beach volley ball teams playing in the BA First Class lounge was a “stupendously spectacular” idea and he couldn’t wait to watch the proceedings with a gin and tonic, some cashews and a big shit-eating grin on his face.

As for the Olympic flame, that could be be housed over the men’s toilets in Terminal 2, or maybe the airport’s control tower.

“The good thing about this is after the Olympics are over, people just get on their planes and go home, simple as that,” Mrs May added.

Don't Worry Rupert You're Always Welcome at the Squib

World

Lenny Ant

May 2, 2012

Don't Worry Rupert You're Always Welcome at the Squib

After being deemed ‘not fit for purpose’ to run his global conglomerate, the media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch can at least find solace with a place in the Daily Squib boardroom.

“We’ve already got everything set up for Rupert. When he walks into his new Squib office he’ll have a lineup of fresh meat waiting for him. These girls will be delivered straight from Hong Kong and will be as fresh as the tulips in a Dutch garden. Then once he’s done his daily business, of course with the aid of some trusty pills, he can engage in his other pastime of flicking through the newspapers trying to find some filth to get our writers to write about. I’m not sure how we’ll indulge his love of phone hacking because we don’t do that at the Squib, but we could get in some fake emails and phone calls for him to listen to in the morning, which he will enjoy with a nice cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream. Rupert will love to scoot around the Squib’s halls on his wheelchair and everyone knows he looks a bit like Davros. That’s why we’ll deck the halls out with cardboard cutouts of different characters from the Dr Who series and the Leveson Inquiry, so he feels more at home. All in all, Rupert will have a grand time at the Squib offices and his lavatorial throne will be resplendently decorated with faux gold and shit. As for his assistant Rebekah, she can bring her horse along too and a few bent coppers to hand over brown envelopes stuffed with cash to once in awhile,” Sub editor, Al Hertyu, remarked in anticipation of the ‘great one’s’ entrance to the Daily Squib offices.

Ricky Gervais Diagnosed With Incurable Mental Degenerative Disease

Health

Lenny Ant

May 1, 2012

Ricky Gervais Diagnosed With Incurable Mental Degenerative Disease

The comedian credited with creating the brilliant Office series may be airlifted back to his hometown of Slough, England next week to be with his 90-year-old mother.

Gervais fans noticed something was wrong with the comedian last week at a Hollywood awards ceremony.

“He came on to speak but he just couldn’t get the words out. His face contorted and he started spazzing out with a mong face. You know when you stick your tongue out the other side of your mouth and start making retarded noises,” one of the audience members recalled.

One thing’s for sure, the Golden Globe awards luvvies will all breathe a sigh of relief at being spared another dose of British humour next year.

“I’m certainly glad that bad British guy is outta here. I never liked him and after what he said about me that time, I’ll never forgive him,” actor Tom Cruise said from his Beverly Hills mansion’s closet.

US Secret Service Say They Learned Everything From Bill Clinton

World

Lenny Ant

May 1, 2012

“Bill was a master at this stuff. He went through women like wieners in a hot dog bun. We learned skills that we never even knew existed, and how to keep it all for the most part clandestine, always deny everything, and never fess up,” one agent revealed.

Sure, JFK was no angel, and neither were the rest of the presidents, but Clinton was the one president who took sexual relations with women to new levels never before seen.

The US secret service prides itself on its secrecy and that’s why they’re called the secret service and they are proud of their mentor, Bill Clinton.

“Yeah, if I bang a few prostitutes in Obama’s hotel, I want to keep it secret, that’s why I pay her the full whack so that she don’t blab to the press. If I don’t, that’s when it gets messy. You gotta do a Bill Clinton, even though there are probably no blue dresses involved or impeachment parties waiting to string us up by the goolies. Here, I want to tell you a secret, because, I’m a secret agent dude and I can do that. I love Sarah Palin, she is one hot momma. When I was guarding her, I had to sit down a lot,” another secret agent secretly revealed on his Facebook page.

Primitive Cave Woman Found on Britain’s Got Talent

Sci/Tech

Lenny Ant

May 1, 2012

Primitive Cave Woman Found on Britain’s Got Talent

The cave woman even wore a primitive form of boot made from animal skins and performed a dance to the cheering audience. It was only after the show had ended that people realised the significance of the appearance by the cave woman.

“Quite possibly a glacier melted somewhere and she must have popped out and made her way to the BGT stage. I think she was wonderful and I give her a full recommendation for another appearance,” Pierce Moron, one of the judges on the show revealed.

Anthropologists from Cambridge University caught the cave woman afterwards and had to use a tranquilliser dart to put her in a cage.

“This discovery could throw some light on how our ancestors developed hundreds of thousands of years ago. From our initial analysis we estimate this woman to be from the Homo antecessor genus which is an extinct human subspecies dating from 1.2 million to 800,000 years ago. We, of course, need to conduct more research into this amazing discovery,” professor Gerald Bryce, told the BBC.

The cave woman has been named ‘Nora’ by the scientific community who will be studying her.

Octomom Squirts Ink at Local Swimming Pool

World

Lenny Ant

April 30, 2012

Octomom Squirts Ink at Local Swimming Pool

“I was standing by the side of the pool minding my own business, when the Octomom came over with her 14 kids. She demanded that we all get out of the pool area so she could have fun with her 14 screaming little brats. When people refused to go, that’s when all hell broke loose. She got mad and started squirting us,” John Severino, 21, one of the pool-goers told CBS news.

LAPD officers were quickly on the scene and were squirted with black ink from the Octomom resulting in her immediate arrest.

“She bent over and squirted me in the f*cking eye with her black ink. They should have sterilised that bitch a long time ago,” Alfred Jarry, another La Habra municipal pool attendee revealed.

There are calls for more warnings about the Octomom’s defensive squirting of black ink, because experts say that the ink could cause damage to the eyes.

Naturalists say the Octomom squirts an inky liquid to escape enemies or if severely agitated. The “ink” is a thick brown fluid produced in the Octomom’s body and stored in a special reservoir known as an “ink sac.” When an enemy threatens, Octomom squirts out a dark cloud of ink and quickly retreats behind the protective screen.

The Octomom was released from custody three hours after being arraigned and will have to attend anger management classes for the next two weeks to try and curb her squirting in public.

England Gripped By Terrible Drought

World

Lenny Ant

April 30, 2012

England’s South West and the Midlands have moved into official drought status even though they are all “under 18 feet of rain water”, the Environment Agency said.

The Midlands region covering Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire, Derbyshire, Staffordshire, West Midlands, Warwickshire, Shropshire, Worcestershire, Herefordshire and Gloucestershire are so far under water, that people can’t even find their hosepipes to ban them.

“It’s ridiculous. They told me I can’t use my hosepipe or water my plants, but I can’t actually find my garden anymore under the water and forget about running a bath, that floated away two days ago. This is certainly the wettest drought I’ve ever experienced,” Reginald Mucklestwat, 58, from the village of Twittleberry in Gloucestershire, told the BBC from a boat.

The media frenzy over the hosepipe ban has escalated with drought related news stories popping up all over England’s media every few seconds.

The BBC, ITV and Sky news all sent their reporters to the drought ridden areas wearing scuba diving equipment as more reports of drought were rolled out ad infinitum.

Argentina to Invade UK Sometime Next Week

World

Lenny Ant

April 28, 2012

Argentina to Invade UK Sometime Next Week

“If we cannot have the Malvinas we must have the UK. I have ordered our invasion forces of twelve ships to sail to Britain and attack them,” Mrs Kirchner told her people during an Argentine television broadcast.

The president of Argentina has been campaigning against the Falkland Islands for the past three years and bad feelings have erupted again with the Argentinian hierarchy, who are determined to give Britain a bloody nose or two with a few invasions.

“This isn’t just about ‘The hand of God’ or some Royal Navy ship we sank thirty years ago, we want to take the big one, Britain itself. I have even heard there is oil somewhere up Northern Britain,” she added.

Prime Minister, David Cameron, today announced the Argentinian invasion plans and is committed to defending the British Isles from this Argentinian threat.

Speaking from Downing Street, he said: “I have ordered a few fishing boats to meet the Argentinian Armada. I’m sure all of this battle stuff will be over by 2.00pm and we can all enjoy a nice cuppa with the full knowledge that the Argies bit the dust again.”

Breivik to Spend Next Twenty Years in Luxury Prison

World

Lenny Ant

April 27, 2012

Breivik to Spend Next Twenty Years in Luxury Prison

“Anders Breivik shot 77 people in cold blood and he will be honoured for his crime by a socialist government that does not punish criminals but enables them. The message thus being promoted by the Norwegian government is one of tolerance and support for mass murderers. In fact, the Norwegian government is as much a murderer as Breivik is, because the message is out to the world, it is OK to commit mass murder in Norway, it is an open shop, please come over here and continue to do what you are doing,” one of the prosecutors at the case said, before being dismissed from the court.

Norwegian prisons are notoriously luxurious, where inmates languish in clean modern spacious cells, enjoy vast libraries, saunas, sunbeds, have days out in the fields, conjugal visits and can furnish their rooms with anything they want.

Breivik himself has spoken of there being hundreds of people like him, who will stop at nothing to complete their missions of destruction against non-white people across Europe.

“Norwegian prisons are equivalent to staying in a Northern English motel. Some motels don’t even have hot water in their communal bathrooms. It is taken for granted that Norway has the best prisons and Breivik will be revered by the inmates as a celebrity,” another prosecutor said.

Breivik languishing in a Norwegian prison for twenty one years gives him power as a figurehead for the right wing movement, where his defiance and incarceration are seen as a heroic statement by the clinical shooter.

Breivik is a hero amongst Britain’s and Europe’s extreme right. And when he walks out of his luxury prison in twenty years time, he will come out without an ounce of regret for his actions. The lax Norwegian socialist state will ensure Breivik’s grace and dignity.

As 40,000 Norwegians sing songs of peace outside the courthouse where Breivik is being paraded, one can only think of the silent majority in Norway who secretly agree to his doctrines.