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Benefits Bonanza Means Increase in 3D TV Sales

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Sales of 3D TVs, Playstations and jacuzzis are set to increase because of the Chancellor’s generous benefits increase.

“This means that I can get that 56 inch 3D TV I’ve had my eye on for a couple of months. We’ve got all the gadgets at home and thanks to Georgie boy, we’re going to get the latest stuff,” Robbie Munter, 25, from Disley, Cheshire, told the BBC.

There were cheers felt in all benefits offices across the country as people queuing up for their giro heard the wonderful news.

No More Riots

Tracy Hodkins, 35, who has never had a job in her life was absolutely delighted with the wonderful news: “It means more booze for me and my kids. We might even go to the South of France for another taxpayer funded holiday. Thank you from the bottom of my arse, you taxpayers are lovely. I’ve just got one of my boyfriends to dump my old 67 inch plasma screen in the garden, so I can get the latest thing, innit.”

PC World/Curries and Argos have already seen a huge increase in orders for high end electronic items as well as gadgets.

“As soon as there’s an increase in benefits payments like this latest windfall payment by George Osborne, we notice a massive increase in sales of top items like 3D TVs etc. It is indeed good to see that these people are giving back to the economy. In essence, the taxpayer funds them to stay at home and watch their tellies, drink booze and smoke loads of weed all day and night. The taxpayer pays them to pay us. So, it is really good for the economy,” Keith Beattie, Managing Director of electronics firm, PC World, told industry magazine, Commerce Weekly.

Union Boss Calls Strikes So He Can Keep £800,000 Pension

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Speaking from the Bahamas, Bob Vulture was on a yachting trip around the island and said to a BBC reporter: “I want all my union members to strike for me. You won’t get paid to strike, whereas, I always get paid, suckers. You all need to rise up comrades because these people in government are now threatening to take away my diamond plated £800,000 yearly pension and expenses. You must all donate to ‘our’ cause immediately.”

Claridges

Mr Vulture, who commands a huge yearly salary of £700,000, as well as an unlimited expense account, is furious that the Coalition government is now trying to halt another massive hike in public sector pay.

Champagne

The Socialist Marxist Worker’s Consortium’s deputy, Ronnie Anus, praised Mr Vulture’s speech: “Comrades, we need to defend our unlimited expense accounts, paid for by the taxpayer. Bob Vulture is an inspiration to all of us. One day, I too, would like to have a job like that c*nt, who works one day a week, takes ten holidays a year, and lives the life of Riley on a huge salary. We just need someone to shoehorn the f*cker out of the job, maybe another Worker’s Revolution. More champagne please, we’re not all in this together.”

Henry Kissinger: “If You Can’t Hear the Drums of War You Must Be Deaf”

Speaking from his luxurious Manhattan apartment, the elder statesman, Henry Kissinger, who will be 89 in May, is all too forward with his analysis of the current situation in the world forum of Geo-politics and economics.

“The United States is baiting China and Russia, and the final nail in the coffin will be Iran, which is, of course, the main target of Israel. We have allowed China to increase their military strength and Russia to recover from Sovietization, to give them a false sense of bravado, this will create an all together faster demise for them. We’re like the sharp shooter daring the noob to pick up the gun, and when they try, it’s bang bang. The coming war will be so severe that only one superpower can win, and that’s us folks. This is why the EU is in such a hurry to form a complete superstate because they know what is coming, and to survive, Europe will have to be one whole cohesive state. Their urgency tells me that they know full well that the big showdown is upon us. O how I have dreamed of this delightful moment.”

“Control oil and you control nations; control food and you control the people.”

Mr Kissinger then added: “If you are an ordinary person, then you can prepare yourself for war by moving to the countryside and building a farm, but you must take guns with you, as the hordes of starving will be roaming. Also, even though the elite will have their safe havens and specialist shelters, they must be just as careful during the war as the ordinary civilians, because their shelters can still be compromised.”

After pausing for a few minutes to collect his thoughts, Mr Kissinger, carried on: “We told the military that we would have to take over seven Middle Eastern countries for their resources and they have nearly completed their job. We all know what I think of the military, but I have to say they have obeyed orders superlatively this time. It is just that last stepping stone, i.e. Iran which will really tip the balance. How long can China and Russia stand by and watch America clean up? The great Russian bear and Chinese sickle will be roused from their slumber and this is when Israel will have to fight with all its might and weapons to kill as many Arabs as it can. Hopefully if all goes well, half the Middle East will be Israeli. Our young have been trained well for the last decade or so on combat console games, it was interesting to see the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 game, which mirrors exactly what is to come in the near future with its predictive programming. Our young, in the US and West, are prepared because they have been programmed to be good soldiers, cannon fodder, and when they will be ordered to go out into the streets and fight those crazy Chins and Russkies, they will obey their orders. Out of the ashes we shall build a new society, a new world order; there will only be one superpower left, and that one will be the global government that wins. Don’t forget, the United States, has the best weapons, we have stuff that no other nation has, and we will introduce those weapons to the world when the time is right.”

End of interview. Our reporter is ushered out of the room by Kissinger’s minder.

Update: We revisited Mr Kissinger in 2018 for a follow up interview.

Prince Harry’s First Apache Mission Over Pakistan a Success

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Speaking from his base, the proud prince Harry said: “I bagged a load of pakis today. My trigger finger just kept pumping those bastards into oblivion. It was fucking beautiful.”

“My step-dad was a Muslim so I just wanted to give something back to the ragheads, like a few 50 caliber bullets, innit,” Harry added.

Prince Harry even took time to go for a round of drinks before his first mission, and was said to have downed a jug of vodka, three pints of gin and sixteen bottles of lager.

“I’ve never seen flying like that. He swooped so low you could see the whites in the eyes of the terrified Pakistanis. It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” Harry’s co-pilot, flight lieutenant, Richard Moorcroft, told the Telegraph.

Prince Harry was meant to be greeted by his father as he returned from his first mission. However, James Hewitt was not available, so Prince Charles was sent instead.

Banker Sacked For Getting a Conscience

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This is an increasing problem amongst banking institutions where bankers suddenly start to think about what they are doing, and something they thought they never had suddenly crops up — a conscience.

“I’ve seen it in so many institutions. Suddenly they realise that what they are doing is an inherently evil act which hurts millions of people. Sometimes they just jolt up in their office chair and start crying or look around and simply walk out of the room,” resident psychologist for investment firm, JNC Paribas told Investment Weekly.

Many firms are now sacking bankers who get a conscience, and are trying to vet new employees so that they only employ the most psychotic.

“You can’t have bankers with a conscience. Are you kidding me? It would be like having an executioner with a conscience, they’d let everyone off. I sacked two of them yesterday, I had asked them to strip the assets of millions of people for profit, they hesitated for too long, so I cut the fuckers out. They’re gone, they’re history, they can go and swim with the rest of the scum on main street,” Stanley Weisenstein, head of corporate acquisitions at Warburg Murther and Pascoe in New York told the FT.

Scottish Voice Recognition Software May Take Years to Develop

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Whilst the Siri voice recognition software has been working wonders for most of the English speaking world, the poor Scots have been left out.

“It’s like trying to decipher a hidden code, we never knew it would be so hard,” a source on the project said.

Apple has flown over hundreds of Scottish speaking people to California to try and figure out what they’re saying.

“It’s very hard for us to understand what these people are saying and we are recruiting speech scientists to try and decipher the language,” Ron Albright, one of the programmers on the project revealed.

A frustrated Scot said: “Ah woods loch thes wee siri telephain tae kin whit aam bludy weel sayin. Ya Bas!”

The current project should take ten years to complete if there are no major setbacks.

Apple wants to then work out what Geordie people are saying, but that’s another twenty years of research.

'Euro' to be Renamed 'Pox' by World Leaders

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“A pox be upon you,” will be the phrase used by currency exchange bureaus to tourists when they exchange their dollars or pounds to euros whilst on holiday to any Eurozone country.

The new pox currency is like a terrible affliction that spreads around like a nasty virus destroying everything in its path.

“After long deliberation we thought pox was an apt name for the euro. Essentially it is a curse on the world, and now if someone talks about the euro currency they are talking about a vile virus that leaves disaster in its wake. A f*cking pox on the world, that is what the euro is and we, dare I might say it, have released this wonderful curse on you all so that you can marvel in the power of the EU,” José Manuel Barroso, told an auditorium full of reporters with pockmarked faces.

The euro/pox currency is like a particularly nasty case of herpes, and whatever cure is attempted, it always comes back more virulent and nasty.

Robert Wagner: "Let Max Fix This One"

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“This is getting crazy. I wake up and get a call from the police, I go play tennis and see them around the court, brunch means another call and by bedtime I turn on the news and my face is all over the place. I thought we dealt with that situation a long time ago. What the hell is this? It’s come back to haunt me like a midnight dip in the freezing ocean,” Mr Wagner told Hollywood Now magazine.

Max, who is Mr Wagner’s trusty butler and fixer does pretty much everything for his master.

“This is my boss, Robert Wagner, a self-made millionaire actor, he’s quite a guy. This is Mrs W., she’s gorgeous, but dead. She’s one lady who knows how to take care of herself in a swimming pool. By the way, my name is Max. I take care of both of them, which ain’t easy cause when they met it was murder.”

Egyptians Discover Democracy

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“This is what we have been searching for. It is the same kind of democracy that is used in the US and UK. Thank Allah we have found what we were looking for so long,” Abdullah Mahmoudi, a Cairo baker, told Egypt’s state television station, as he was being beaten over the head with a baseball bat.

Another Egyptian citizen, who was assembled in Tahrir Square, received a face full of tear gas and said: “I *CHOKE* sure *CHOKE* like demo..*CHOKE*..cracy!”

New 'Who's the Celebrity in the Jungle' Reality Show Has TV Audiences Confused

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“They’ve put the obligatory bikini girl, with a great pair of tits who I’ve never heard of in, and a bunch of old people who I’ve never heard of in a jungle clearing. Are we meant to try and figure out who these people are?” Rob Joist, a bored TV viewer told the Radio Times.

The executives in charge of the new format are also confused about who the people on the show are.

“We actually have never seen these so-called celebrities before and do not know who they are. Someone from an agency just told us that they were celebrities and we took their word for it,” Henry Arsehat, executive producer for the show revealed.

Ratings for reality shows are so low now that it is very rare for anyone to actually watch the shows let alone figure out who the people in them are.