Speaking from the Élysée palace, Carla Bruni said: “He won’t let me sleep, he’s constantly tramping up and down the corridors crying and bawling like a baby. Nicolas is driving me and our newborn absolutely nuts.”
According to French finance ministers, Mr Sarkozy is absolutely at his wits end over the French economy, especially after it is constantly being threatened with downgrades from the credit rating agencies.
“Nicolas comes to his office in the morning. He looks like merde, like he’s been crying all night. We are used to his tantrums and strutting, but it’s just plain weird to see him all weepy like a little girl,” Jean Claude Trebuchet, a senior finance ministry official told Le Figaro.
Plans to allow unemployable work-shy buyers of new homes to borrow up to 95% of their value, with the taxpayer footing most of the risk, are to be unveiled by the Coalition.
“Instead of the taxpayer footing the bill to put these people up in rented council estates, we plan to blight the British countryside with unsightly tower blocks and rows upon rows of box houses so that they can own their own property, all funded by the lousy taxpayer, of course,” Mr Cameron told a consortium of wide eyed property developers.
Microdistrict Hell
Planning permission has already been granted to build over the Cotswalds as well all Green Belt land in England and Wales.
“This is just another way to bankrupt the taxpayer further, because these people who will be given massive subsidies to move into these houses will have no means of paying for the mortgages the taxpayer has underwritten. Simple, where are the jobs? It’s another nail in the coffin and a sure way to force the UK into the euro currency. That after all, is the ultimate plan by the Coalition and eurocrats,” a Whitehall source told the BBC.
It seems that as well as the bankers and energy companies getting healthy doses of taxpayer cash, now it’s the turn of the property developers.
“It’s going to be a fuckin’ clean up session. The government is giving us a blank cheque so we can build sub-standard poorly designed blights on the landscape all over the countryside. I’ve just put in another order for a Ferrari and I’ve bought my wife a new Bentley, all thanks to the taxpayer, thank you very much, you stupid arseholes,” Seamus Doherty, a property developer told Cowboy magazine.
An angry Prince Philip, who has never worked a day in his life, today told the Sunday papers that wind farms are almost as useless as the royal family.
“I suppose if you put an electric plug up my arse or maybe Prince Edward’s, you would not get any electricity. At least wind farms make electricity, whereas the royal family are basically a bunch of ‘useless eaters’ to coin a phrase. We’re benefit cheats on a higher rate than the oiks, but we’re all basically the same as them,” Philip told the BBC.
In other news, Mr Pot told Mr Kettle that he was black.
“It is estimated that there are over 300 million corpses in Britain today. If we taxed each and every one of those bastards, we’d be rolling in it. We could pay off our debts and then some,” Mr Osborne told the House of Commons on Friday.
All around the UK there were strange sounds emanating from grave yards.
“I think the creaking sound you hear is the dead people spinning in their graves.” Ernest Fallon, a gravedigger from Gravesend said, whilst digging the grave of some poor sod who killed himself two days ago because he could not pay his debts.
Asked how his famous Plan A is going, the Chancellor replied: “Plan A is heavy taxation for everyone and everything in the UK. We want to stifle all business; create such fear amongst the people that they do not spend the little money they have left and tax anything that moves or doesn’t move. Plan B is exactly the same.”
Speaking from the Eagles Nest, Obersalzberg, German finance minister, Wolfgang Goebels said: “Your time is up schweinhund Englanders, you will submit to the right of the Reich or be crushed. You may have won the battle in WW2 but we have won the war in 2011. The economy is our weapon now and not doodlebugs. Oh, and we want our royal family back as well, so please kindly deliver the Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha Windsors back to their real land.”
British PM, David Cameron (Neville Chamberlain), was seen to be agreeing wholeheartedly with the EU demands and will be rewarded with a big job in Brussels when his sham premiership ends.
As far as treachery and cowardice goes, David Cameron is up there with the best of the EU technocrats. His deception and betrayel to the former British people will be a final nail in the coffin for the once great empire that ruled a quarter of the world.
There will be no more singing of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ as EU diktats will outlaw nationalism and individualism.
“We are now all part of the one, the collective, and if you dare mention such things as being British, Scottish or English, you will be fined heavily. Silly little things like democracy never existed anyway, and the fake democracy that was in evidence for a while was not sufficient to fool all the people, therefore, we might as well show the proletariat the true face of the EU. The fasci rods that hold the unelected super state that will control and dictate every part of your lives is now in place,” Goebels said.
Britain was disarmed by Gordon Brown and his commissars during his unelected reign, not only is the military a decrepit shell of its former glory, but he made sure that all of Britain’s gold was sold off at the bottom of the market. Without Gordon Brown’s excessive wastage and spending sprees as well as castrating the army and air force, cutting spending to vital defence needs, Britain would be able to stand up to the EU. Instead, it is defenceless and pliant to the threat that is attacking it right now.
Across Britain, thousands of metal thieves have stolen copper, iron and lead memorial plaques and statues to melt down and sell to scrap yards for cash.
“These are mainly Eastern European gangs who were let in with the government’s open door immigration policy for the UK. They take any metals they can find then sell them off for cash,” councillor Graham Chubb, for Camden council told the Daily Mail newspaper.
The new plastic and rubber memorials will be produced cheaply and will be worth nothing to the thieves.
“I think we should have a few veterans standing by the memorials with a Lee-Enfield or Bren gun, shoot the buggers when they turn up in their vans,” Raymond Chandler, 87, a former paratrooper told the Sun.
According to Hollywood insiders, the reason for Kutcher’s silence and disappearance for the last couple of weeks is because his mother grounded him and told him to stay in his room.
“We heard she even took away his computer. Poor little bastard is now stuck in his room with only his books and a few toys. She also took away his cell phone,” Artie Rizzo, a long time friend of Kutcher told TMZ.
It’s not only affecting his social life but his work as well. On the set of ‘Two and a Half Men’ there has been no sign of Kutcher, and producers are getting anxious.
Speaking from the series’ studios, producer Hymie Rosenblatz, said: “This guy’s worse than that other loser, Charlie Sheen, why can’t you get reliable fuckin’ actors anymore? We paid this Kutcher dude bucket loads of cash, for what? He’s grounded you say? What the hell, I’m going to go to that guy’s house and ground him for sure, make him into friggin’ ground beef.”
The office of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg said the bankers should “permanently leave” the street and give back all the money the stole. Reporters said hundreds of police were mobilising around the street and that the eviction of the spivs was in progress.
Police spokesman, John Jenkem, said the city, issued eviction orders to the bankers saying the street would be cleared of “scum sucking leech bankers” after 1am (0600 GMT).
Jenkem said 150 bankers had been arrested for drinking champagne and waving wads of money around as well as resisting arrest.
“These goddamn bankers. They’re the reason the world is up shit creek, and today we arrested a bunch of them. It’s time justice was done for a change. Why should the people have to pay for these scum to live the high life? Hmm hmm, not anymore folks, it’s bye bye time for them,”chief of police, Arnold Kolic, told the New York Times.
The bankers who were cited as creating the world recession were however unrepentant about finally being arrested for their crimes.
“F*ck all of you. It’s our right to be paid and your right to be slaves to us. That’s just the way it is and nothing can change in this system that we created in the first place,” Joel Silverstein, an investment banker at Goldman Suchs said before being driven to prison in a limousine.
It’s out with the manic Greek hand waving and kebabs and in with the umlaut and schnitzels.
“The Greeks need to be more efficient. There will be no more finishing work at 2.30 pm and going to the cafe. You will actually have to work and pay tax. You will retire at 65 and not 45 as is the custom with your heavily subsidised jobs. Also, there will have to be pay cuts and no more of these EU subsidised salaries of 65,000 euros per year for cleaners who only work four hours a day, two days a week,” Hans Reichstag, told Bild magazine.
The Greek people will have to be more Germanic in their outlook and adopt the German language in all schools, books and road signs.
“We have to integrate the Greeks to serve us when we come to their beaches for holidays. By not speaking German, people and businesses can get an immediate EU fine of 3000 euros. The fines alone would be a serious deterrent to speaking Greek,” another EU official said.
On Thursday this week EU directive C123/65 will come into force and the Greek language will be outlawed.
“We already have the Greeks speaking German, and we will integrate the whole of Europe to speak one language. This way, we will all be truly integrated as one EU entity,” Fritzel Scheissedurgen, a senior EU official said on Sunday night.
“Have you seen the hipsters. They look like dickheads and are a laughingstock,” a man at an East London bus stop quipped as he waited for the next bus.
One thing about the hipsters is that they are not violent, unlike their opposites – the chavs. Instead, a hipster, may have some rough looking tats but would rather prefer a night in knitting a low-cut vest as opposed to kicking someone’s face in outside an off-licence like their chav counterparts.
Hipsters like to think they’re cool and unique, but all seem to dress in exactly the same way as each other with exactly the same accessories and uniform as each other as well as adopting the exact same mannerisms and have-to-pee poses.
Modern hipsters are a subverted version of the 1940s US subculture, and the perversion of the original version has suddenly cropped up over in the UK recently. These corporate arseholes are essentially a creation of the social networks, conglomerate fashion outlets, and ad agencies; a fucked up version of myspacers and Glee enthusiasts mixed up in a bucket of Gap clothes, Tumblr and shit Eighties sunglasses with beards and t-shirts silk-screened quoting movies they have probably never heard of or ever seen.
The male ones wear similar hipster uniforms to the female versions, and most of the time it is quite hard to tell the difference between the two sexes. There is certainly a high level of effeminacy with the males of the hipster species, with their long flowing scarves and stockings and tweaky bumfluff moustaches.
Hipsters do affirm to a version of jackass geek chic and love to wear glassless NHS style glasses to look more intelligent, even though they have probably never even read a single book let alone some obscure 1960s beat poetry.
“These people are a waste of space and should be exterminated. They make me ill. I want to strangle them,” an anti-hipster person told the BBC last night.
Surely all this hipster hate is unjustified.
All we can say is bring back the chavs. Anything is better than this shite. Actually, scratch that thought, they’re both as bad as each other.
