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Mr Clean to Get Second Term

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Mr Clean to Get Second Term

“America is a big country, and the Republicans could only come up with a black man who sexually molests white women, two dunces and a crazed creationist psychopath woman to be contenders. Come on, you could put a donkey to run against them and have it win,” a disgruntled Republican ex-voter told the Baltimore Sun.

One must then look at Barack Obama, who is a stark contrast to the motley crew of losers gunning for the GOP crown. Mr Obama has not had one single scandal or mishap during his rather sterile presidency. The Republicans and Teabaggers have tried with all of their might to sully the star of Obama, from Muslim smears, birth certificates, to issues about his penchant for vacationing. Nothing has stuck, and even his wife’s incredible spending sprees of taxpayer funded holidays could not dent the Obama second term bid.

“Obama will get a second term because he has to finish what he started and the people will let him. America needs someone like him to take from the stinking rich, who take everything and give nothing to society, and he’s going to smash those people in his second term. Obama is a good guy, look what he has done to Israel, they are no longer pulling all the strings, making American soldiers die for that place. Too much American blood has been spilled for their former master, Israel, and it is time to cut that entity loose. Let them fend for themselves for a change. No one likes that psychotic babbling buffoon Netenyahu. As for the Jewish lobby in America, they are extremely powerful and are endemic to every facet of society and organisation, but Obama can still win without their support, because the people will vote for him. The greed and corruption by these groups has encircled and strangled America for too long, like an evil octopus parasite sucking the life out of the American people, let us hope this beast can be tossed aside and thrown to the dogs,” Harold Johnson, a Capitol Hill political commentator told CBS.

Barack Obama’s first term has been one of restraint, but when he gains his second term; there will be none. There will be a lot of work to be done in the four years after re-election and he will make sure that America is downsized and integrated more with the rest of the world. America will be forced to adopt the socialist method of Europe with Marxist undertones and a reduced eco emission culture.

The United States is not sustainable within the world and if it carries on with its current state as extreme polluter and waster of earth’s resources, it will finish the earth. This is why Obama has stepped up to the plate to tame this greedy behemoth warmongering nation and bring it down like an Indian brings down a bison.

“The native Americans shall have the land back one day. The lands that were lost when the invaders came and destroyed everything. The invaders do not know how to give back, they only take. One day this will be their undoing,” Chief Mondalkni, of the Klamuth tribe told an Oregon radio station.

Gordon Brown to Save the World Again

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Gordon Brown to Save the World Again

“I did it last time and I can do it again,” the deluded former PM told a fellow tramp in an alleyway on some grey Scottish street.

You see, since his high flying days as unelected chief in charge of everything, poor Mr Brown has been rather in the dumps. He was eventually kicked out of his home by his long-suffering wife Sarah, and has since been drifting along the streets of Kirkcaldy getting drunk on Special Brew and anything else he can find. Mr Brown, as a homeless tramp, is usually rude to passers-by and has an offensive smell about him that draws complaints from the local people.

The current prime minister, David Cameron, is however, in absolute desperation and plans to enlist Mr Brown’s ‘expertise’ in economic technique, and wants him to become a key adviser to the Treasury, maybe showing new boy Georgie, a thing or two.

“No doubt, we’re in a right old mess. We need to go back to square one and find out what the real root of this economic hell is. Well, I immediately thought of old Broon, and got one of our detectives to search him out from the wilderness. Obviously, from what I’ve heard, he stinks to high heaven and has probably not washed in months, but once we hose the fucker down, hopefully he’ll be able to get back to work in saving the world from certain economic disaster,” David Cameron told the BBC on Tuesday.

Mr Brown, during his premiership, proclaimed to have saved the world no less than three times, and hopefully he can do the same this time around as well.

If You Want a Job Go to China or India

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If You Want a Job Go to China or India

“I have travelled thousands of miles from Manchester, England to Rajasthan, India, just to get a job. Our British companies have outsourced all manufacturing and IT jobs here, so this is the only way I could actually get a job,” David Arnette, an IT worker, who will take a 70% pay cut to work in India told the Evening Standard.

With the politicians in the US and UK both railing on about the lack of jobs created by industry, who is to blame for this fiasco?

“If you buy a computer in the US, you can rest assured that pretty much every component of that machine was manufactured and assembled in China, where the Communist regime uses slave labour. If, however, that same computer was manufactured in the US or UK, be prepared to add on 120% to the price, because it would mean the company who designs these machines would have to pay people proper living wages in the West. This is unsustainable, because the cost of living in the West is not sustainable with the rest of the world. Therefore, the only solution to this is that jobs in the West reduce the salaries of workers to that of China or India. One must understand that we doubt very much that that could ever happen, because as I mentioned earlier, people need more to live in the West. Either you go to India and live there for a pittance or stay in the West without a job, it’s your choice,” CEO of IBM computer, Brad Malnick, told the Economist magazine.

The British and American welfare system is another major problem for economic growth because there is no impetus to work if you are being paid to not do anything. Until the welfare system of the US and UK are cut and manufacturing is re-introduced to these countries, there will not be growth, but instead a serious decline in social, economic and moral conditions.

Key workers in the West, where jobs are now very scarce, are now dreaming of a move East so that they can get a poorly paid job in overcrowded cities with high levels of pollution.

“It’s either that or starve over here. I’ve got a family to feed. That’s why I’m leaving to go to Shanghai tomorrow to work for a pittance,” Bruce Anderson, an engineer from Reading, England told the BBC.

The Chinese, sensing the exodus of workers from the West, now want every foreigner to pay £18,000 per annum just to work in China, they therefore do not want foreign workers coming and taking their jobs.

Until the West stops outsourcing its manufacturing and IT to the East and brings those jobs back, there will be high unemployment and poor growth in the West. That is the bare bones of the problem, and if the politicians cannot see that, they must be blind or in serious denial.

The French Surrender Easily But Will the British?

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The French Surrender Easily But Will the British?

The French government is now a puppet government of Germany, much like the Vichy government of World War II, and Nicolas Sarkozy, has effectively killed off France’s sovereign status. This time, however, there is no Charles de Gaulle left to denounce the Vichy Sarkozy government, instead, France has been completely left to the dogs, as surrender monkeys go, the French are now a defeated people.

“It is funny how there is little or no resistance to the EU from France. At least in World War II, there were little pockets of resistance helping the Allied forces against the Nazis, however, now these do not even exist. We French have basically surrendered once again to the might of Germany, without one single shot being fired. The question I would like to ask is, will le ros boeufs do the same? They have the Channel separating Britain from the European mainland, and that is the deciding factor. Can the Fascistic spirit of the EU jump across that body of water and infect Britain to the point of complete cowardly surrender, as the French and others have done? Is it possible?” Jean Pierre Francois, a political science lecturer at the Sorbonne told Le Figaro on Friday.

Europe’s seventeen capitulated former nations are now isolating Britain, not only in trade but in political doctrine. Either Britain succumbs to the fasci rods of Europe, as they are brought tighter and tighter, or they stay well out of the unholy union and suffer economic instability and denial of business.

The spendthrift Greeks tried to fight their corner with a referendum which has now been cancelled, and they are already lost, beaten by the mountain of debt they racked up so willingly. This debt tool for acquisition is, of course, a very well used technique throughout history, but it seems greed got the better of the profligate Greeks, and now they are going to pay with their former country to a life of abject slavery to their Germanic masters.

Britain also has been denied a referendum on the EU, not by Brussels but by its own so-called leaders like Cameron and Clegg, who will in the near future try to bring Britain into the Eurozone by implicit cowardice and deceit.

The French, during World War II, sipped coffee while the German soldiers used their country as a holiday resort, and their salopes readily welcomed German soldiers into their waiting arms as the trucks of French Jewish children were being publicly paraded through the streets en route to German extermination camps.

Lest we forget that the white cliffs of Dover are a symbol to the defeated French. In other words, ‘F*ck Off’ mes amis, take your garlic and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Monica Lewinsky Never Interned For Herman Cain

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Monica Lewinsky Never Interned For Herman Cain

 

 

 

Ms Lewinsky was filmed exiting his tour bus in Calumet City, Illinois, where Mr Cain was campaigning.

Speaking to news reporters at the scene, Mr Cain, said: “I did not have sexual harrasments with that woman. Shiiet, she was just chompin’ on my cigar. We were drinkin’ forties and smokin’ blunts man. Yeah, and then I got her to lick my pizza.”

Mr Cain who is currently leading many polls, is also under threat from unidentified women who are claiming sexual harrasment from his days as a pizza boy.

“It’s kind of funny that this guy gets Lewinskied as soon as he starts racking up some serious poll numbers and could win the election. Those white boys sure got it in fo’ him. Let me see, someone don’t like a real black man getting up there. I’m going to play the race card, put it on the table and show you all up,” Mr Cain’s assistant, Ruth Forcer, told Fox news.

George Osborne Considering Plan B

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George Osborne Considering Plan B

After taxing Britons so severely that they cannot move, let alone get out of recession, the chancellor has finally agreed to implement his much touted Plan B.

“I have been forced to implement my Plan B. Remember, you’re all in this together and I will be behind you all the way. The plan will involve more taxation, I’m afraid. We’re going to tax you so much that the tax we make you pay will be taxed. As of Monday, the Treasury will increase fuel tax, income tax, council tax, VAT and death taxes. By the time I’ve finished with all of you’se lot, you’ll be begging in the f*cking streets, maybe I’ll put a tax on that as well,” a laughing Mr Osborne told the BBC before jumping in his chauffeur driven Bentley.

The Treasury also plans to implement further increases on fuel tax even when Iran is attacked and the Strait of Hormuz is blocked.

“Quite simply speaking, once the attack on Iran is underway, you can expect oil to rise to about $400 a barrel and that will mean no one will be able to afford to drive on the roads. We are already paying 89% tax on the price of petrol at the forecourts now,” Alan Cummings, a motorist from Hertfordshire told Sky.

Daily Squib Gets the Dreaded Lurgy For a Day

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Daily Squib Gets the Dreaded Lurgy For a Day

“I was sitting sweating in a corner all day as I kept checking to see if the Squib was up again. I needed my Juvenalian fix of that wonderful satire. I am so happy they’re now back, it’s like seeing the wart has grown back again on the end of my nose.” Joel Smudger, an avid Squib fan from Stoke on Trent wrote on his blog about widgets in tin cans.

Others were not so happy about the Daily Squib surviving the cyber attack.

“The Squib, Squid, whatever mate, when’s the new X Factor on, innit?”

Another Squib reader from Adelaide, Australia, Rupert Murdoch, said: “The Daily Squib may have survived the malicious attack this time, but wait until I set my NOTW hackers on them. Of course, I don’t know anything about hacking, nah, not me.”

A spokesman for internet giant google said: “One of the best sites on the internet(s) was infected with the lurgy today, we don’t mean Google, we mean the Daily Squib of course. Thankfully they’ve flushed the vile bit of code out that infected their script and readers are now free to view the site. All 25 of you Squib fans can now view the site without the lurgy infecting you.”

This was not a public service announcement.

Greek Torpedo Port Side

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Greek Torpedo Port Side

Captains of the Euro ship, Merkel and Sarkozy, didn’t even get a chance to signal an SOS, as the first silo of Greek torpedoes hit the port side earlier on this morning.

“We were on the deck singing one of our great hymns to the EU, ‘Deutschland über alles’ when an almighty crash happened. Sarko was lifted into the air and I caught the little blighter in my arms. It was all hands on deck for sure,” Kapitän Merkel squealed.

Is it really all over for the good ship EU?

There are many questions to answer, like why did they allow Greece into the eurozone in the first place, and why did they not stop the contagion immediately by chucking them out?

Like the Titanic, the answers will go to the bottom of the ocean and be entombed for a very long time amongst the fishes and crabs of the Atlantic.

Au revoir Merkozy. You will not be missed.

World's Birds Getting Too Lazy to Flap Wings

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World's Birds Getting Too Lazy to Flap Wings

Speaking at a recent lecture at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Professor Edelweiss Applebaum, said: “Birds are getting too lazy to fly, some don’t even bother laying eggs anymore. That’s why there have been incidents of birds simply falling out of the sky, they get too lazy and forget to flap. This is a biological disaster and our research still has to find out why birds are getting all lazy.”

Thousands of blackbirds fell out of the sky on New Year’s Eve in 2010 causing mayhem on the Arkansas streets. All over the world there have been similar multiple bird deaths and now that scientists have pinpointed the problem they need to find ways to prevent birds from getting bored and lazy.

“If we attach big TV screens to balloons and float them in increments of 100 feet all the way up to high altitude, the birds will have something to watch when they’re flying around. This way, they would be engaged and not bored out of their frickin’ minds. Just think about it, say you have to migrate to the Southern horn of Africa every year from Europe. That is a boring flight, there are no in-flight movies for these guys, and that’s a 6,000 mile trip one way. We need to also put public service announcements on the films so the birds remember to flap their wings. I know it can be done. We have already tested the balloons out on numerous species of bird and they definitely seem more flighty.”

The only barrier for the distribution of the bird balloon screens is the inhibitive cost. To implement the whole project worldwide would cost $560 billion and a yearly maintenance cost of $34 billion. There are also fears that airplanes and other air traffic could accidentally crash into the bird balloons, but a system of sophisticated beacons installed on each system could warn pilots within 3 km of each balloon.

President Obama and Angela Merkel are set to discuss the implementation of the project next month at a special consortium for world wildlife preservation in Detroit, Michigan.

Child Abuser Jimmy Savile Dies

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Child Abuser Jimmy Savile Dies

As the crowds gather around the coffin of Jimmy Savile, the rumours that have been kept so secret from the general public by the BBC and others, may one day hopefully come out into the open. His abuse at children’s homes in Jersey are well known to many even though Savile always denied everything.

For such a man to be revered and deemed a saint by the whole country is a sickening sight to behold, and may his cover behind charity one day come to light.

Not only was Savile an abuser but he was fully protected by the powers in charge of entertainment.

Savile was a sick individual who despite being given a hero’s sendoff will hopefully rot in hell. The Devil will fix it for you Jimmy.

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