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David Beckham to Have Kidneys and Liver Tattooed

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The heavily tattooed football star says that he wants to have the words Burberry and Gucci tattooed in Cantonese on both his kidneys and liver.

“It’s going to be a statement innit. Everyone’s going to want to do it. I’m a pioneer, it’s money I got to spend, innit,” Mr Beckham told the Sun newspaper.

The pioneering laser tattoo operation will take four hours to complete and will cost Beckham $450,000.

“We’re getting more and more celebrities asking for this internal tattooing. It’s the ultimate in status symbols, and you can only see them if the celebrity gets a probe or surgeons operate,” Thomas Densillion, a celebrity expert for the DSX Entertainment Agency in Los Angeles told Media Week.

Thousands Afghans Surge to Join Afghan Army to Shoot Americans

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“They train us to shoot, then they pay us, and then the icing on the cake, wait for it, we get to shoot them,” a joyous Afghan army recruit said whilst waiting in line for his NATO machinegun at Kabul’s main army recruitment centre.

The Americans have noticed a massive surge in interest to join the Afghan army by the locals.

“It’s like a dream come true for them folk. We give them guns, pay them, and then they get to bag a few of us when we’re not looking. It’s like the highest honour for these Afghans to go out in a blaze of glory killing five or six US servicemen each time. They are heroes in the villages and surrounding towns,” Special Sergeant, Lewis Kowlowski, for the US Marines told CNN before being fatally shot by an Afghan recruit later on in the day.

Every day there are reports of Americans being shot to death by Afghan army recruits, and the shootings will probably increase exponentially as Afghans keep deluging the Afghan army as recruits.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. We’re getting thousands Afghans wanting to join each day. You ask ’em why they want to join the Afghan army. Some of them ain’t too clever because they will blurt out to shoot Americans, so we let them go quick, but they just come back next day and change the line to shoot Taliban,” Afghan army recruiter, Al Hertyu, told CNN.

Man Arrested For Defending Family From Burglars

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“We have arrested the man who was defending his wife and property from aggressive burglars. The burglars have been set free but the man and his wife were arrested because they tried to protect themselves,” a policeman at the scene told Human Rights lawyers.

The husband and wife were said to have disturbed the burglars during the break-in and the man shot the criminals with a shotgun injuring two.

“This will not do. The burglars could have been severely injured. We must have the Health and Safety inspectorate on site as well as the Crown Prosecution Service immediately. Protecting one’s family and property is a highly illegal practice in the United Kingdom and must be stamped out with extreme prejudice. Despicable behaviour, and these two miscreants will be tried to the full extent of British law,” QC Lloyd Davidson, told the Daily Mirror.

Empty Chair Person Could Win US Election

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Forget about Obama and Romney, a new wild card electoral candidate entered the race for the White House today.

‘Vote Empty Chair Person‘ a billboard outside Capitol Hill says. There is real mystery to this new candidate, who are they, where did they come from?

“I don’t even know if they are male or female or what political ideology they go by? All we see is an empty chair, and sometimes it moves around a bit,” a threatened Obama campaigner told CBS news.

The invisible candidate likes to sometimes rock the chair back and forth and witnesses at a recent campaign event say that they heard the chair’s occupant fall over because there was a big thud noise and an ‘ouch’ sound.

“They must’ve leaned back too far and fallen off the chair. That’ll learn ’em. We had enough dumbass presidents and we don’t need another one, let alone an invisible one,” an undecided voter said at a recent rally in Chicago.

The empty chair candidate has already raised $134 million in its first week and now it has its own tour bus on the Invisible Tour.

“America now has a third choice. Instead of voting for the two losers, you can vote for the invisible chair president. Now that’s a choice you can’t give up, so get on down to your voting booths on the day and vote for the right candidate,” Corby Nash, a neutral electoral official revealed on CNN’s Politics Day show.

Royals Watch as Poor People Thrown to Wild Dogs

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Her Majesty looked to be in good spirits today as she cheered on the annual Poor Toss Gathering in Scotland.

Clearly amused by the antics, the 86-year-old monarch was pictured laughing out loud and gesturing with her hands as she sat alongside her husband during the event.

“The Queen loved every moment of this year’s events as the poor people were ripped to shreds by wild dogs bred especially for the event. She even tossed a hand that had landed on her lap back into the dog pit, much to the amusement of everyone attending,” Royal watcher, Albert Huntington-Smythe told the BBC.

Prince Philip seems to have made a full recovery of a recent recurring bladder infection and even managed to push an old man who had lost his home, children, business and pension back into the dog pit himself.

“What a wonderful recovery by the Prince, he had an oik trying to clamber up the pit, and even though he was a little unsteady on his feet still managed to kick the poor fucker back where he was summarily savaged to pieces. Huzzah!” a royal courtier revealed.

The closed event was a great success and will be held at the same time next year, albeit with some fresh poor people.

Obama Brewing Own White House Kool-Aid

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“It’s just like 1978 all over again except we ain’t in Jonestown but Washington DC,” Jeb Marmuset, a reporter for CNN broadcast over the weekend.

According to Obama’s followers and campaign leaders, the president brews his own grape flavoured Kool-Aid and he likes to hand out the stuff to his fans on weekends.

“The president is great, he has these followers who come around, you know with that wild look in their eyes. If he says sit, they sit, if he says wave that placard, they wave. Now, when he says drink that Kool-Aid, they drink it up like it the best moonshine this side of Texas,” an observer of the Kool-Aid rituals conducted at the White House, told the Washington Post.

No one knows the exact ingredients of the Obama Kool-Aid recipe because it is a well kept White House secret.

“We want more people to drink the Kool-Aid. Keep drinking, and do not think for yourself. Uh, uh, did I just hear someone questioning the president? Just drink it up fools,” a White House aide was reported as saying during yet another Kool-Aid drinking session.

New Clint Eastwood Film to Be About Furniture

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“Not only will the new film feature wardrobes, cupboards, chairs and tables but there will be cameo appearances of pieces that will astound the audiences. How about a chaise longue or an Ikea book case. You ever seen a GRÖNKULLA talk? You may think it incredible but even flat pack furniture has a personality. Actors Hugh Grant and Kevin Costner will be doing the voices. When I heard the voices from Grant and Costner, I actually thought that they characterised every grain of wood in those furniture planks. Definitely Clint has directed his masterpiece here,” Ed O’Hanrohanrohanrohan, a Warner Bros. movie executive involved in the project, told Movie Week magazine.

The film’s plot is a heavily guarded secret but without giving away too many spoilers, some of the scenes involve carpentry and a little sanding, maybe a little varnish to fill in the plot holes.

There’s also a cameo role from one of Clint’s favourite people, Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.

“I think Mitt stole the show. He’s like the plank of wood that was waiting in the West Wing.” another project executive said.

Clint Eastwood’s new film is scheduled for release in November 2012.

Brokers Make $4 Buy Recommendation For Facebook

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“Four bucks a share is just about right, but even then I might be cautious about splashing out too much. First, one has to assess if there is any kind of support because the share could still be falling like a rock. Anyway, we’re suggesting a $4 buy for Facebook,” market analyst and CEO of Dean Winters Stockbrokers in New York told the Wall Street Journal.

Many other brokers are also recommending the same price range for a buy of the social networking company.

“I shorted this thing from $39 and I’ll be cashing my chips in at $4,” a very rich trader revealed on Facebook today.

As for Mark Zuckerberg, he was in his chicken coop plucking some more chickens today and did not make any comment to the broker recommendations.

Euro Wants to Leave Greece

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“We have had news from our banks that the euro wants to leave as soon as possible and go back to Germany,” the eighth Finance Minister in two months, Stavro Trimalakas, told Greek state television.

The euro currency will leave Greek banks as early as next Tuesday, and there are calls for it to go quickly and quietly.

“Frankly I can’t wait to see the back of it. The euro has created more harm than good and we want to go back to the good old days when tourists came to Greece for affordable cheap holidays and we didn’t have to work much. All this Germanic hardwork and paying taxes has taken a real toll on our Greek sensibilities,” Nikos Arhidebora, a shopkeeper from Thessaloniki told a Greek radio station.

Next Round of Simon Cowell Creations Hits Music Charts This Week

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“It’s the same old shit for you week in week out for the next thirty or forty years,” pop svengali Cowell has told a Music Biz event honouring his fifteen years of audio assault on music.

The Music Biz has been reduced to X-Factor people polluting the airwaves at all times of the day, and just when you think it is all over, more come in an endless stream of banal un-musical murder violating every pore in your being.

“It is not bad enough that these people have little or no talent, or that they are simply doing a mediocre karaoke act, it is the fact that these people have not one iota of originality, creative spirit or rock star verve. They should be strung out on heroin in a corner with blood coming out of their noses strumming on a f*cking guitar. Now that is art. That is music. That is pure creativity. Not some sterile corporate autotuned vocoder monkey pawn shameful regurgitated detritous,” a destitute musician told Melody Maker magazine.