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Royal Mail Adds to UK Anti-Business Fever With Huge Price Increases

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Want to send a letter in the UK, well fork up, you’ve just been scammed by the Royal Mail who have increased their postage costs by over 80%. Run a business? Well, you’re f*cked, especially if you sell eCommerce items. Want to expand your business abroad? Well you’re fucked there as well, with Europe Airmail prices now up 82% from £1.49 to £2.70.

Anti-Business Secretary, Vince Cable has applauded the new move by Royal Mail as has Chancellor George Osborne.

“This is all great for the recovery. It’s all part of the plan. We even intend to put VAT on hot food. We’re not f*cking kidding here,” Osborne told the BBC.

Royal Mail pensions are assured for now as are the fat cat salaries of the bosses who just ordered the massive price hike.

Hopefully when the Royal Mail is privatised next year, things may change for the better and bring it into the 21st century.

Another Fuel Crisis Don't PANIC It's All Going to be OK!

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“You may not be able to get to work or a hospital in an emergency, or drive your kids to school and there will be shortages of food at the shops because the delivery drivers will not have enough fuel. Remember, please do not PANIC! Aaaargh! You must stay calm at all times! Aaargh! How are you going to pay the mortgage? Aaargh!” Rodney Bellmarsh, the Coalition’s Fuel Czar, told the BBC yesterday.

Meanwhile, during the fuel strike, Chancellor George Osborne, has suggested that fuel duty should rise to a stonking level of 97% of the fuel price paid at the pumps. Fuel tax is already the highest in the world and makes up 91% of the price of petrol.

“Just think that if they took out the fuel duty we would be paying 26p for our fuel and not the stonking amount we’re paying now. What I want to know is, where does the money go? They are making billions in taxation, and yet we do not see one ounce of the money, either on the roads or off the roads. The Coalition also want us to pay for toll roads now in addition to road tax, fuel duty, insurance and MOTs,” a disgruntled driver said today from a garage forecourt fuel queue in Basildon.

In the UK it currently costs £100 ($160) to fill up a modest car, and as Americans moan about having to fill their tanks for $25, it makes one think that there is something rather unjust about living in Rip-Off Britain.

“The reality of the situation is that everyone has to stop buying petrol for two weeks. This way, all fuel tax money will be stopped to the government and the cash cow motorist will stop being milked to death. Only then, will the message get through. There will be no lesson learned by the greedy, self-serving, arrogant twits who control everything unless people stop buying petrol for a whole two weeks,” another angry motorist explained.

See, there’s no need to PANIC, is there?

Coalition Want Window Tax Back

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“I want to reintroduce the window tax that was first imposed in 1696 where anyone who owned a property had to pay tax for the number of windows in their homes. At that time it was a mere few shillings, but today it will be about £200 per window per annum. In addition to council tax, income tax, fuel tax, road tax, value added tax, pasty tax, national insurance, TV tax, business rates, stamp duty, and all the other taxes, I am sure you will enjoy this new addition to our revenue stream,” Mr Osborne announced on the BBC’s breakfast show today.

Daylight Robbery

In anticipation of the new window taxes, millions of Britons are now bricking over their windows to ensure they pay a minimum amount of window taxation.

“We’ve only got two windows in our home but we’ve had to concrete over them both because with all the other taxes we are paying we can’t afford to pay anymore taxes,” Giles Wetherington, 48, from East Grinstead, told the Daily Mail.

Anne Seebore, 58, from Barnet, London said on the BBC’s news at six: “We don’t get much sunlight in the winter months anyway, I suppose getting no sunlight is just another part of living in modern-day Britain. Oh well, here’s to rickets and darkness.”

British Troops Told to Finish Training Afghan Troops to Kill British Troops

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“We’re training the Afghan troops on how they can shoot us better and more effectively,” Colonel Alistair Clarke, told the BBC’s Lyse Faucet.

Only last week six British troops were shot dead by Afghan troops and the British top brass do not think this is a good enough record.

“They need to shoot with more accuracy, so we train the Afghan troops on how to shoot their target with more accuracy. For example, yesterday I was training an Afghan regiment and one of the fellas tried to shoot me with his gun but it jammed, now that was unfortunate, and after I unjammed his weapon he shot me in the leg twice,” Staff Sergeant, Lewis Deano, of the Queen’s Royal Rifle Regiment told reporters from his hospital bed in Helmand.

British troops in Afghanistan have so far trained thousands of Afghan troops to shoot British troops, and by the daily shooting record, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

“We’re appreciated here. We train them to shoot us, and they do it. This is why we’re in Afghanistan, innit?” Private Taffy Jones, told the BBC, before being shot dead in his base, yesterday.

There are currently no plans for the British NATO troops to be evacuated from the country where they are training Afghan troops to kill British soldiers, they are adamant that what they are doing is a very important mission and they want to finish it successfully.

David Cameron in New 'Come Dine With Me' Show

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The new show’s format is set to become a huge ratings winner for ITV1 as it will have the Camerons serving up some lovely dishes to their guests.

“Each businnesman who attends the special dinner arrives at Number10 with a brown paper bag holding no less than £250,000. He slaps it on the table and Sam Cam gives him a plate of scrummy nosh. Then when the businessman leaves, David comes into the room to write special government legislation for the businessman. Whoever gives the Camerons the biggest envelope stuffed with notes wins the game,” series producer, Rebekah Noosecorr, told Media Week magazine.

TV bosses were however concerned about the dinner guests arriving to dine with the Camerons wearing blaclavas over their heads as to remain anonymous to the TV audience.

The first series will be aired tomorrow evening, the Conservative head office has announced.

The Number10 Menu

Toad-in-the-Bung-Hole

Cream of Wonger Soup

Bangers and Loot

Gammon Steak with Egg on Face

Lancashire Dosh Pot

Dessert

Hasty Bank Transfer Pudding

or

Bread and Corruption Pudding

Dick Cheney Gets Human Heart Transplant

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The 71-year-old Republican, who was best known for his torture tactics during the George W. Bush administration’s War of Perpetual Terror, was in the intensive care unit at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia.

Cheney, who never had a human heart before, but instead had a blackened charcoal type object in his chest, has now received a human heart from an anonymous donor.

“The heart was ripped out from a live donor who had been detained and tortured in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Dick wanted the freshest possible human heart,” Cheney’s spokeswoman, Tara Torcher, said.

During Cheney’s eight years as vice president from 2001 to 2009, he was responsible for the deaths and torture of millions of people around the world.

Cheney was a strong advocate for the 2003 invasion of Iraq and was among the most outspoken of Bush administration officials warning of the danger from Iraq’s suspected stockpile of weapons of mass destruction. No such weapons were ever found.

Cheney’s doctor, Al Hertyu, said: “We managed to get him a human heart. Cheney is not human, so the human heart will probably be rejected unless we pump his body full of drugs to stop the rejection of tissue. For someone like Dick Cheney, a human heart is an alien object and his antibodies will fight it with all their might.”

Blacks May Be Allowed Into US Gated Communities For Short Visits

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“After the shooting of that black boy for walking within our gated community housing area, we have decided to allow some black people the opportunity to see how white people live in America,” Artie Meisner, a community watch leader for the Sanford gated community told Fox news.

Even though US racial segregation supposedly ended in 1967, the black and white communities in America are probably even more segregated now than even in the past but the US government has plans to allow African Americans some access to gated communities which are mainly populated by white Americans.

“Any area where there is an influx of black people usually results in a phenomenon called White Flight. This is when whites leave in droves leaving nothing. Then the black people move in and that is that. We want to try and introduce black people in Florida into the lives of white people who live in secluded gated communities with armed guards patrolling them. If one of those white folk meets a black person, they might see that he’s a real person and is not a mugger or a thief,” congressman, Al Shipton, told CBS news.

Professor Dean Markfloe, at the University of Southern Florida explained: “It’s called economic segregation. The move from overt segregation towards covert segregation utilising elements of economic technique to separate blacks from the rest of the population. Within American society most blacks are portrayed as stupid, oafish hip hop rapping, low pant slinging, freeloaders, and are actively segregated with their own shows, schools and ghettos.

“If one studies rappers like 50 Cent, you will see how blacks are exploited by white record executives and society in general and how public relation culture creators engineer new fads and youth movements that are followed blindly by millions of impressionable youngsters. 50 Cent may have fifty odd million dollars in his bank but he is still a product of the ghetto and he is still manipulated and milked by white executives and money men. His image like any other rapper or hip hop person is one of ridicule, not only because his culture was given to him by the white man so that he can be ridiculed but because he actually thinks he looks good hunching around his gold laminated cheap looking furniture holding bundles of money in his tasteless crib. These people are no more than uneducated thugs, they may have the money but money cannot buy a modicum of class or intelligence. In America, it doesn’t matter how much money you have if you’re black, you’re still a ni66er, and that is what counts. Until black people reject hip hop and rap culture, they will only be viewed as caricatures and objects of ridicule,” the professor, who is himself African American added.

Indeed, it seems that having a black man walk along an American street wearing a hoodie is invariably viewed as more threatening than a white person doing the same thing. As is the case with Trayvon Martin, he was a victim of the black stereotype which was inflicted on him by his own African American brothers and sisters. They are as much to blame as any white propagandist or popular youth culture creator who exploits black people for profit — because they have accepted and adopted the stereotypes given to them, to become reality.

Oops I can't Sell My £5 Million Property Anymore

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“You may have thought Britain was a safe haven for the rich who splashed out on multi-million pound properties, but now a huge trap has been set by the chancellor which will inhibit all high end property sales in England and Wales to such a level that it will kill off the property market as a whole. Remember that money trickles down, and those who are very rich stimulated property markets with their large purchases. Not anymore, they are now royally screwed with no way out of their property hell,” a Chelsea estate agent told the BBC.

In the last decade there has also been a huge influx of foreign buyers into the luxury housing market who saw Britain as a safe haven from irregular regimes and high taxation. Those people are now trapped with multi-million pound properties and no one to buy them.

“No one in their right mind would buy these properties anymore. Who would pay £1.8 million in stamp duty taxation to buy an overpriced cupboard in Chelsea? You’d have to be clinically insane, either that or f*cking stupid,” another estate agent quipped.

Already many property companies are laying off staff and any rich people who were considering coming to the UK have scratched their plans.

The Chancellor made the new taxation ruling effective from midnight when he announced his budget on Wednesday, so this did not give any time for those who own large properties to sell up.

“We need more money to pay for all the chavs and hoodies, who suck up a third of the UK’s budget in welfare costs. Step up to the plate you rich ar*es, you’re now trapped,” Mr Osborne said in the House of Commons yesterday.

Gordon Brown Loses False Eye During Queen's Jubilee Service

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Former prime minister, Gordon Brown, was in a spot of bother as his glass eye literally popped out of its socket landing right in between Mrs Bercow’s pouting cleavage.

“It was all caught on camera, Gordo was ogling her two little gypsies and dreaming of giving her a pearl necklace, when pop went his glass eye with all the excitement. His wife Sarah was obviously not very happy about it and gave him a black eye when they got back home later in the day,” ITN reporter, David O’Hanrohanrohan said after the service had ended.

Sally Bercow, who is not a shrinking violet, was then seen taking the eyeball from her cleavage, spit shining it, then popping it back in Mr Brown’s socket, all the while loving the attention from everyone including the Queen and assembled royal family.

TSA Implement Sensual Massage Oils into Body Searches

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“We think it could relax passengers and put them at ease before their flight. We can understand that they may feel a little agitated when they are roughly treated by our oaf TSA personnel. But I have to inform you all that all the TSA staff have been retrained and re-branded. We want to have a soft loving image, not the rough unkind one that is portrayed by the media,” Johnson Pistolgrip, head of the TSA, told Fox news.

By having aromatic oils at hand during the search procedure, the invasive searches that take place are less stressful.

“How about a gentle massage with some organic Ylang Ylang and arousing Pimento Berry with a twist of Indonesian Sandalwood oil rubbed gently into your butt crack and balls then some hand relief to ease you on your flight to Chicago’s O’Hare airport?”  TSA agent, Ed Mulroney, asks a 78-year-old wheelchair bound retiree, Jimmy Smitts, before he gets to the departure lounge.

After the dirty deed is done, the TSA agent wipes down and starts on his next client.

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