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Multi Millionaire Michael Moore Eats Occupy Oakland Protester Alive

Melissa Stain
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Multi Millionaire Michael Moore Eats Occupy Oakland Protester Alive

The victim was named as, Jason Morales, 22, from the Oakland area. His immediate family have not been contacted yet.

Mr Moore arrived at City Hall by two pm and started mingling with the protestors.

“He was saying that he wanted to give away all his millions to us, and he wanted to join us, when he suddenly started sniffing around, you know, like a dog or something. Well, I was close to his stomach and I heard a big rumbling sound, and I knew it was time to get outta there,” recalled, one of the protesters.

According to Mr Moore’s feeder, when he gets hungry, they have to feed him a whole side of beef and 120 cheeseburgers. If Mr Moore is not fed on time, the consequences can be devastating.

“He will literally eat anything in his path, such is his hunger and gluttony. If you hear that boy grumbling, you better get the f*ck out of dodge, pronto. I seen him eat an old lady’s pooch in three gulps,” Eduardo Malcontent, who is Mr Moore’s long suffering personal assistant told CNN.

Witnesses at the protest camp site say that Mr Moore was sweating very heavily and he was salivating. Kitchen volunteers tried to bring him some organic lentil soup, but he tossed it to the side, then grabbed the young man and the rest is too horrible to write about.

“It took 34 officers to take Mr Moore away, and they had to muzzle him because he was gnashing his teeth like a rabid dog,” an EMT worker at the scene recalled.

Paul Strathe, a volunteer at the camp told of his guilt at his friend’s death: “I feel bad, because I could’ve saved my buddy. If only I had given Mr Moore pizza instead of lentil soup, he wouldn’t have eaten Jason and everything would still be fine.”

Thousands Ringing Banks Asking to Only Pay Back 50% of Debt

Melissa Stain
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0
Thousands Ringing Banks Asking to Only Pay Back 50% of Debt

All day Thursday, Santander, Lloyds, Barclays, Natwest and many other banking institutions have been deluged by desperate customers trying to get 50% of their debt written off.

“If Greece can spend like crazy for ten years, then get a 50% haircut for the debt they owe as well as another big fat cheque, why can’t I?” Billy Blunts, 56, a teacher from Wandsworth, who is in serious debt, told the Daily Mail.

Thousands of people have been on the phone lines asking the banks to grant them some kind of clemency, but no one has been successful yet.

“I phoned my bank up and asked them to take a 50% haircut on my loan. I too deserve to be rewarded for being lazy and not paying any tax. I’ve never heard anyone laughing like that, bunch of jackals, the lot of them,” an angry Clarence Beaks, 45, from Colchester told the BBC.

China Buys Europe

Melissa Stain
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3
China Buys Europe

“Business is business, and when you have deals like this going, you’re not going to stand around, are you?” Xin Xam Long, Chinese Finance Minister, told Xinhua news network.

As portfolios go, owning the EU is one small step for the Chinese to owning the world. The Americans, who owe $4 trillion to China are also ripe for the picking, and if they don’t pay back every cent, the Chinese will make them pay one way or another.

“You don’t f*ck around with Uncle Chin. You pay up or he comes along with his goons and they stick a chopstick so far up your ass that you can make dim sum out of your tonsils. These guys don’t take no for an answer, plus they have a huge army, almost three or four times the size of the US army. Oh, I hear you saying that they have inferior weapons compared to the hi tech stuff the US has, well, you’re wrong. The Chinese have been spending the money they make on manufacturing cheap plastic junk to the West on upgrading weapons, and their spies sure like American science labs like Los Alamos and other so-called secret facilities. They probably know more about our weapons than we do,” Pentagon official, Charles Fitz, told the Washington Times.

As Nicolas Sarkozy was on bended knee yesterday begging Chinese premier, Hu Jintau, for assistance to the EU debt crisis, the Chinese knew that Chairman Mao would have approved highly of the situation and would have urged China to move with haste to procure the purchase of the EU lock stock and barrel.

“In China, we have an old proverb: ‘For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill’ and so, the great cloak of our esteemed Chairman reaches over the European plains and takes everything he can. Remember, that what is happening now, was planned 40 years ago, and by the looks of it, it’s all going exactly as it should,” a Chinese politburo official told Chinese state television on Wednesday.

As Fuel Bills Soar Let the Daily Squib Help Cut Your Energy Costs

Melissa Stain
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As Fuel Bills Soar Let the Daily Squib Help Cut Your Energy Costs

The Daily Squib is proud to present its guide on surviving the winter.

The average power bill has now soared to £25,975 a year with gas rises averaging 45 per cent and ­electricity almost 73 per cent.

 

Yet there are still ways you can save money…

GO TO PRISON

“Committing a crime can save your life this winter. At least you’ll get four hot meals and central heating on 24 hours a day,” says Joel Shamone of MoneySuperCronies.com

Depending on the crime you commit, your stay in prison could last longer. If you, for example, do a bout of shoplifting, you might get a day in a heated comfortable prison with playstations and numerous entertainment.

If, however you commit a murder or two, you could get as much as six months or a year in a fully heated, luxury jail with daily courses, full size snooker tables, playstations and large themed parties.

Or better still, don’t pay your electricity or gas bills. You’re sure to do a stretch for ten or fifteen years then.

EMIGRATE PERMANENTLY

If you live abroad where the sun shines, you will never have the problem of freezing in the winter hell of Britain ever again. You can lie in the sun every day and not just a period of six days throughout the whole summer in the UK.

SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON EBAY

You could easily pay for heating yourself and your family this winter by selling your every possession including your car — unless you’re a tramp and don’t have much anyway. By selling all your worldly goods, you would be able to afford the energy bills.

Another positive point about selling all your stuff, is that you would also free up a lot of space in your house, but you would probably have to sell that as well, so nevermind.

DIE

By being dead you would not have to pay anymore electricity or gas bills ever again.

Rising Electricity and Energy Prices Mean Light at End of Tunnel Now Switched Off

Melissa Stain
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0
Rising Electricity and Energy Prices Mean Light at End of Tunnel Now Switched Off

Speaking from the Ministry of Energy, Mr Norman Hope, said: “This winter, the energy companies have increased their prices so high that you’ll need a second mortgage just to put on a bit of heat in your hovels. It’s not just you, the plebiscite, who are in trouble though, we’ve had to also switch off the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a sad business but when there’s no light at the tunnel, it’s going to get bloomin’ dark.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, was however, defiant about his Plan A strategy of increasing taxation and reducing wages:

“The Coalition government never needed a light at the end of a tunnel. We’ve always been flailing around in the dark anyway, and we shall continue to do so for a very long time.”

As ordinary Britons freeze in their grey squalid back to back homes, the energy companies wallow in the huge surplus cash they have amassed by increasing prices to impossible heights on the premise of ‘green energy’ and greed.

Robert Mugabe Invites David Cameron to Zimbabwe

Melissa Stain
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Robert Mugabe Invites David Cameron to Zimbabwe

“You’ve got the same kind of democracy as we have here in Zimbabwe. You order a halt to an EU referendum and take away the right of the people to vote and I do the same. It’s a wonderful way of doing things, I make the laws, the people have no say and I crush any dissent,” Mr Mugabe told the ZANU-PF Times.

Mr Cameron will go to Zimbabwe to be honoured for his courage in crushing the EU referendum, which means that there will be no vote or debate regarding the EU for another 40 years.

“What I and the Labour party have effectively done is silenced the British people for another forty or fifty years, and of course, by then it will be too late. I and my socialist friends have condemned the UK to be ravaged by further EU totalitarian laws and to be sucked into the maelstrom very soon. We might as well dissolve our parliament, because Brussels has been shown by the cowards who voted against a referendum that Britain is now a defeated former country,” Mr Cameron said, smiling traitorously.

Sarko Tells Cammo to Back Off

Melissa Stain
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Sarko Tells Cammo to Back Off

Sarkozy stood on a chair and was able to look David Cameron in the eye as he pointed his fingers at him telling him to back off.

Cameron was surprised by the vicious assault by the miniature EU despot, who has fallen under the fascist spell of the EU so much.

“I’ve never seen Cameron scared before, but it seems the French midget has got more balls than him. Cameron was later seen crying in a corner, as an attendant brought a glass of French sparkling water to him. My guess is, he needed a cognac more than a glass of tepid sparkling water. Poor bastard,” an EU observer at the meeting recalled.

With the EU dangerously close to collapse, the fascistic dream of a Fourth Reich could be over unless the unelected eurocrats come up with another plan to bring the fasci rods even closer than they already are.

The architect of the EU Jean Monnet said: “Europe’s nations should be guided towards the super-state without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps each disguised as having an economic purpose, but which will eventually and irreversibly lead to federation.”

It seems that his words are slowly ringing true as the people are excluded from any votes or say in the matter of the EU constitution or laws.

“We, the unelected eurocrats and technicians know best. Please, sit back, surf your Facebook pages and watch your X Fuctor, Come Dancing programs. Do not bother your dumbed down fucktard minds about such trivialities as totalitarian states taking away all of your rights or cleansing re-education camps coming soon in the near future,” a faceless EU politician told France’s Le Figaro newspaper.

Libya to Have Democracy Like Britain – No Referendums

Melissa Stain
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Libya to Have Democracy Like Britain – No Referendums

“We want the Libyan people to embrace democracy like we have in Britain. Our ‘democracy’ involves denying people the vote on important issues like whether our country is sucked into the collectivist totalitarian state of the EU or simply trades with it but does not give up our laws and rights. As you can see, I personally have made sure that the British people are denied this all important vote, and this, my Libyan friends is the type of ‘democracy’ that should be exported to Libya. So ladies and gentlemen, you give us your oil and we’ll give you our ‘democracy’. How about that for a good swap?” Mr Cameron said just after exiting his plane at Tripoli’s airport.

The Prime Minister is on a five day trip with the French PM Nicolas Sarkozy to inspect the conquered oil fields, which will soon have Western oil companies crawling all over them.

The British PM then went on to say: “Let this be a warning to all other nations who deal with the West. We will be your friends when it suits us, and then when we want all of your stuff and not some little deals, we will attack you and kill you. You get into bed with us, and you basically sign your death warrant. Look what happened to Gaddafi, Mubarak and Saddam. They were supported fully by the West, even when some of them were killing their own people, and gassing them. We gave them the weapons and trained their armies. Of course, we gave them inferior weapons but we supported these people when we wanted to use them, once they outlived their usefulness we killed them, then took their oil. In effect, we are just as bad as the tyrants, although I would have to say we’re actually worse, because we pretend to be ‘good’. At least the tyrants were not masquerading under the pretence of goodness like we are.”

Oil reserves in Libya are the largest in Africa and the ninth largest in the world with 41.5 billion barrels.

Libya is considered a highly attractive oil area due to its low cost of oil production (as low as $1 per barrel at some fields), and proximity to European markets.

Here’s to democracy, referendums and oil discovery.

Eurozone Ministers to Discuss How to Prolong Eurozone Turmoil

Melissa Stain
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1
Eurozone Ministers to Discuss How to Prolong Eurozone Turmoil

“If we can prolong the eurozone holocaust for another ten or twenty years so that the whole world will fall into a massive depression, that would be friggin’ great,” Raus Ratzinger, an unelected eurozone technocrat told German Bild magazine.

As the EU nightmare intensifies, ministers want to increase the pressure so that the unbearable debt burden escalates to such levels that there is a massive implosion shattering all hope of rescue.

“This is our plan. We want to create so much fear, so much pain amongst the people of the EU and the world that they accept anything we throw at them,” another faceless unelected EU official said.

Basketball Loving Sarah Palin Supporting Herman Cain

Melissa Stain
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0
Basketball Loving Sarah Palin Supporting Herman Cain

“I like my men black and Herman’s got that forwardness thang goin’ on. You know, he’s very similar to a baskeball player I once knew. I can’t wait for him to shoot one in my hoop. I’ll be in the zone defence with my skirt up around my waist, and he’ll come along cherry picking, do a double dribble then put on the McNasty. This teabagger wants to do some teabagging for sure,” a horny Sarah Palin told  Wasilla’s Channel 36 News.

Unfortunately, since the publication of a recent book exposing Mrs Palin’s many skeletons in her closet, she has not been getting much attention from her long suffering husband.

“Todd’s kind of fallen by the sidelines now. But he don’t have half of what Cain got. I’m going to get back to what I do best and that’s shagging everything around me and snorting coke like it was going out of fashion. Coke, cock and guns. Now that sums me up good. Just don’t be asking me geography questions when my heads bobbing up and down in Herman’s tour bus,” Mrs Palin added.

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