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Britain's Trees to be Privatised

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David Cameron will clear the way for a multibillion-pound full privatisation of Britain’s trees as he announces plans to allow countries like China to lease trees in the British countryside.

“We’re even considering privatising the grass and maybe the air,” Mr Cameron told a parliamentary committee on privatisation.

Broke Britain

In the PM’s most eye-catching proposal to date, he will announce that the Treasury and Environment Agency are to carry out a feasibility study looking at using private-sector funds to lease out trees and with the money raised, build thousands more car parks over the countryside.

“By privatising all of the trees and grass in the UK, we will thus be able to concrete over them and build more car parks, Tesco superstores and sunbed parlours,Cameron added.

But Cameron, who is fully supported by the chancellor, will make clear that the poor state of Britain’s public trees and grassy knolls means that bold steps must be taken.

Barking mad

If you own a tree in your back garden or you walk through a forest full of trees on public land, you won’t own it anymore because the Chinese or whoever else pays for it will own it. But if the tree is chopped down the government will have the right to concrete over your back garden or the forest and make it into a carpark or social housing.

In a 2010 report scheduled by the NM Rothschild bank, it suggested that privatising all the trees and grass in England and Wales could raise as much as £100bn.

The Coalition government wants to thus go ahead with the mass privatisation of Britain’s trees and grass, and have implemented all of the recommendations in the Rothschild report by next year.

X-Factor Audition Tape Released

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The private video shows prospective ‘singer’ and X Factor judge, Tulisa Contostavrosopolos, auditioning to be on the show.

“I guess the truth is out. This is how the X-Factor works. She will certainly go far in the biz because of her expertise in auditioning for the right people,” a showbiz expert revealed to BBC Radio One.

Many X-Factor judges and production staff were furious that a private audition video was made public.

“These are private auditions that these talentless people have to undergo before going on the show as judges to judge other talentless people. It’s not just the females either, people like Gary Barlow and Louis Walsh are seasoned experts in auditioning for studio bosses and music industry people higher than them. I think it is wrong that these videos have been made public and they should be withdrawn from the whole internet,” Angela Monkfrith, a prominent member of the X-Factor production team revealed to Showbiz Today magazine.

Tulisa Constantinopopulos has said that she demands a gagging order on the video which has been splattered all over the internet by her PR people and will not rest until the video is seen by the whole world.

Obama Threatens to Clean Out White House if Loses Election

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“If some Republican wins, well, they may go to an empty cleaned out White House. Hell we’ll even take the light bulbs and the bulbs from the fridge. I want to see their face when they walk into the White House and see it empty,” Mr Obama told a group of reporters after a state luncheon during the British prime minister’s visit.

Obama’s wife Michelle is rather partial to cleaning out US taxpayers with lavish vacations costing millions of dollars as well as hugely expensive shopping sprees and greedy displays of self indulgence.

“Michelle can’t get enough of the White House or any $5,000 a night hotel. She even takes the cutlery and bed sheets. I seen her put a 27 inch flat screen TV in her bag when she was in Spain on one of her multi-million dollar holidays last year,” one of Michelle Obama’s personal assistants revealed to CBS.

A typical Michelle Obama entourage involves over fifty five staff members not including additional hangers-on and friends and family. When she is on holiday the convoy can usually stretch for three quarters of a mile including her secret service detail and support staff, then behind her will be Obama’s convoy.

The Obamas say whatever happens, it’s a lose lose situation for the US taxpayer and they’re perfectly happy to clean out ‘whitey’ after four hundred years of slavery.

“This is owed to us by whitey. They owe us, and they better believe we’re going to get a slice of the cake. Now gibs me some of that dessert baby, we’re going to bankrupt those mofos and take ’em for everything they got off working blacks like mules for four hundred years,” Michelle said with a glint in her eye as she took a priceless painting from the Oval room’s wall and slipped it in a black plastic bag.

Smart Phones Apps Cameras Microchips and Social Network Surveillance

“We used to work very hard to gather information about individuals, now we just look at your apps and all the gadgets you use.  We have so much information voluntarily given up by the public that we don’t know what to do with it all,” David Petraeus, the new CIA head told Spy Weekly magazine.

If one analyses the massive increase in smart phones worldwide, there has been a unified effort by all tech and phone companies to concentrate solely on apps and phones with cameras.

“The cameras are the key to everything. Every phone now has a camera, and these are the eyes  and ears of Intelligence Agencies all over the world. We do not need to actively film anything that occurs out of the norm anymore, we just let the public do it and put it up on a social surveillance site. Furthermore, if the need be we can just tap into any mobile phone in the world and check it out live ourselves. Your Apps are also logging every decision you make, and your phones log every conversation and your geo position. All software has in-built backdoor programmes that allow our agents and companies in the know easy access to all of your logged data,” an NSA software engineer disclosed.

The next step will be internal brain chips and again like smart phones, it will be introduced as entertainment, social networking with only the ‘very cool’ select few being chipped in the brain. Military personnel will be given enhanced microchips in their brains and will utilise augmented reality in conjunction with  their weapon systems. There will also be microchipping applications for people with paralysis and debilitating degenerative brain disorders, the justification being used that putting microchips into the brain can help people.

Once this is introduced to willing adults, the governments will start chipping babies at birth or even in the womb.

Brain chips are already here, and this is what we are getting the population used to. If we took away all your smart phones and internet now you would be very upset. This is the level at which we have trained you via clever propaganda techniques to accept these things and to be addicted to them; and you willingly give us all your information without question. Data-mining companies like Facebook are basically extended arms of the Industrial Military complex. You don’t think for one second that Mark Zuckerburg has any control over that entity, he’s just a puppet, a sideshow for the people to look at,” a technology expert told Wired magazine.

People under the microchip will behave with a hive mentality, not one of the individual and this is the goal of the engineers of social networking and smart phones.

“Imagine doing a Google search with just a thought. Humans will all be connected and will hear whispers and thoughts from everyone. Crime will be punished immediately as bad thoughts will be reported to the Thought Police and Thoughtcrime will be a very real thing. We are already seeing such things now, with people being arrested for writing their thoughts on Twitter or Facebook. There would also be Behaviour Modification chips for people to regulate food intake, thought processes, and advertising beamed straight into the brain,” a professor at MIT told Science Weekly.

Imagine massive increases of memory power and the ability to learn subjects within seconds. Microchipping of humans will also allow humans to experience unrivalled entertainment with programs uploaded directly into their central cortex.

The additional microchipping of all household electronics and white goods, by tech companies like ARM, will also be another major step in governmental surveillance as this will mean that the whole population can be tracked even when they’re not on their smart phones or social surveillance networks.

“The extent of the mass brainwashing by the controllers with regards to ‘social networking’ is so strong that if a person does not have a profile up on a social network, they are treated as a pariah, a weirdo and they are ostracised. Social networks rely on the fickle and encourage narcissism, banality and throwaway friendship. If you annoy me or say something that I do not like, bang, you’re blocked. People are now just commodities in a nothing universe making them worthless. You are not human anymore, you’re just a blip amongst the billions of numbers and zeros. This is the mindset of the future, and the agencies that are running everything with these massive super computers have planned this for decades now,” tech guru, Joel Aynsworth, told New Scientist magazine.

Johnny Depp to Star in a Tim Burton Film

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“This is absolutely incredible. I never thought in a million years that I could be in a Tim Burton movie. I had to pinch myself, oh my gosh. Wow!” Mr Depp said from his Hollywood villa.

The feeling was mutual with famed director Tim Burton.

“Johnny Depp. Hmm. I saw him a few weeks ago and I said, jeez, I gotta have him in one of my movies. So I did just that. Quite incredible really,” Mr Burton said at a recent screening.

Cinema goers were equally excited by the Depp/Burton film.

“This is one for the books. It will be exciting to see Depp in a Tim Burton film. We need a change in the Hollywood scene, you know a nice breath of fresh air,” Chingo Passalango, 21, an LA film fan told Fox entertainment news.

Clegg Angry at Obama Cameron Relationship

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“Cammo’s got that look in his eye, the same one he was giving me when we won the election against Brown,” a dejected Nick Clegg told the BBC.

The Deputy PM has been acting increasingly erratic after the pictures of the two leaders clearly getting cozy together in front of their wives were relayed all across the world’s media.

“It’s sickening, truly sickening, after all I’ve done for David, there he is with his nose and god knows what else so firmly stuck in Obama’s arse, I’m surprised he can still walk,” the angry Deputy, Nick Clegg said from his Constituency office.

Foreign Minister, William Hague, said: “I’ve been through this stuff before. Ffion was very understanding as I am sure Cameron and Obama’s wives will be.”

Reading the Daily Mail Can give You Eyeball Cancer

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Britain’s premier Cancer Institute has attributed the increase to rising rates of masochists and Middle England housewives who punish themselves every day by reading the Daily Mail either on paper or the internet and are especially susceptible to contracting high-risk strains of the eyeball transmitted cancer.

“Every time you read a Daily Mail article or look at a headline, even for a few seconds, you are permanently damaging your eyeballs and your thought processes are diminished to that of a bowl of jelly,” one of the experts in the study told the Daily Mail.

Up to eight in 10 Britons who read the Daily Mail have symptoms of severe eyeball cancer and have to receive radiotherapy on their eyeballs.

Just a few newspapers cause problems, but one in particular, the Daily Mail, is known to cause cell changes which could develop into eyeball cancer.

“It’s not just your eyeballs that contract cancer when you read the Daily Mail, it’s your brain that slowly rots away and you get the fear. Reading the Daily Mail results in Cruel World Syndrome where everything and everyone around you is perceived as dangerous and evil,” the expert added.

There is hope though, if you feel the excruciating need to even glance at a Daily Mail headline, as long as you avert your eyes and look at something else before twenty seconds passes, you will be fine.

“Luckily I was saved, I didn’t have to have my eyeballs removed after seeing the Daily Mail in a news stand last week. Because I immediately averted my eyes and instead looked at an elderly homeless man defecating in a bus stop. Anything to avert eyeball cancer brought on by the Daily Mail,” a relieved London commuter revealed on Friday.

Traumatised Woman: "TSA Agent Made Me Smell His Finger"

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The unnamed TSA agent taunted the woman about where he had stuck his fingers during his eight hour shift and forcibly wafted his stinky finger under her nose.

“I was a witness to the incident and am as traumatised as that poor woman. It must’ve stunk bad because she recoiled back and started retching like she was going to barf,” a shocked witness at the airport check zone told reporters.

Another outraged passenger said: “Not only do these animals violate your Fourth Amendment rights but they’re spreading all sorts of diseases and bugs around by touching multiple crotches and butt cracks without changing their gloves. I seen some of them don’t even wear gloves, and yet they put their hands down people’s pants.”

The woman who had her nostrils violated by the TSA agent was told afterwards that there was nothing she could do about it, and she was told to get on her flight to Fort Lauderdale and “shut the f*ck up with the whining already”.

The case is ongoing.

Obama Grooming Cameron For Iran War

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“I don’t like the English as much as any other American, but we got to get chummy with them for another war that we have to do with Israel. I’m doing this because Bibi said I had to, and when the time comes, we’ll pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and concentrate on the meat and potatoes of the pie, or something like that. Y’all know we got our wives out here so the cameras check them out while we do the dirty deals in the back room finalising the attack on Iran. The Brits fucked with my Grandpa, and they spilled all that oil and shit over our waters, but we need them now as much as they need us for shitty sitcoms and junk food,” Mr Obama told an applauding audience in the White House’s East Room.

The special relationship between Britain and America has had many ups and downs in the last decade, and it reached its low-point under the tenure of Gordon Brown, who was publicly fobbed off by Obama and made to look like an idiot in front of the whole world. It seems that David Cameron is getting a much better reception and he even has his wife on tow this time upping the tempo.

“Don’t forget Obongo’s up for re-election and he has to be seen to be doing something high profile. It’s not just spend, spend and golf, this time it’s spend, spend and talk some foreign policy with some English dude,” political commentator, Carmine Phucker, told the Capitol Hill Observer newspaper.

Confused Police Arrest Rebekah Brooks Again

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“It’s really confusing. One minute our superiors are saying she’s the best thing since stable hay and giving her horses, and the next they’re telling us to arrest her.” Special Constable, Peter Plodder, told the BBC from Marbella, Spain.

The Metropolitan police have been implicated in the News of the World and Sun newspaper bribery and corruption scandals for taking thousands of pounds in payments for information about celebrities and politicians.

Many officers are now very sad that their little perks, paid for by the Sun and the NoTW have been curtailed, but with the sadness also comes fear for many police, because what if she spills the beans on more corruption?

“She’ll be singing like a canary to save her own skin, half the force could get implicated. I hope all those expensive foreign holidays and games room extensions were worth it,” another copper, who wished to remain anonymous revealed.

There is still a chance that Mrs Brooks could be freed early if she pays up more cash to the police either in a brown paper bag or through a bail payment via a lawyer.

Either way, she will be riding her horse off into the sunset soon enough.

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