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Colonel Gaddafi Fried Chicken Restaurants Shelved

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The Colonel’s special recipe used to be mustard gas, a touch of semtex and a smattering of TNT all packed into a SCUD missile and fired indiscriminately in the direction of a few NATO backed rebels, now it’s just a blood stained rag used to rap around the remains of what used to be the all smiling sunglassed dictator.

Plans for the fast food restaurants with the colonel’s head emblazoned over the logo were found in one of Gaddafi’s many palaces.

The Colonel had a lot of admiration for Colonel Sanders, and he loved fried chicken so much that he would have weekly deliveries of fried chicken buckets to Libya from Kentucky, America.

“I never seen someone like drumsticks and hot wings like that motherfucker, he would eat two buckets with coleslaw, sweetcorn and baked beans. He especially loved the sanitary napkins that would come with the meal. He would always comment on how thoughtful those KFC people were and how he so admired the Colonel’s vision. From one Colonel to another, Gaddafi and Sanders were both poles apart but they both shared a serious love of fried chicken and Condi Rice,” Justin Allinson, Kentucky Fried Chicken’s spokesman told CNN.

With the plans for thousands of Gaddafi Fried Chicken fast food restaurants scuppered, when the Islamic fundamentalists take over Libya, the people may find that they will miss the errant Colonel and his eccentricities.

Traitor Cameron Attends Palace Charged With High Treason

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“We have reason to believe that Mr Cameron, by supporting a remain vote in the EU referendum, is thus adhering to the sovereign’s enemies, giving them aid and comfort, in the realm or elsewhere and moving foreigners to invade the United Kingdom by giving up its sovereignty, freedoms, ability to defend itself and dissolving the power of parliament and the crown to Brussels. Mr Cameron will attend a preliminary hearing at the palace before being moved to the Tower of London where he will be hanged from his neck until dead, then his carcass will be put up on a post in front of the Houses of Parliament,” High Court judge, Lord Justice Giles Higginflintstowe, announced this morning.

Mr Cameron denied he had committed High Treason, but his actions have proved otherwise and he was arrested and detained from Number 10 Downing Street on Thursday morning.

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“He supported and encouraged Britain staying in the unelected communistic fascist entity called the European Union as well as instances of tax avoidance. In other words, he wants Britain to be in that thing and lose all of its abilities to dictate its own laws, monetary policy as well as defence policy. This is tantamount to High Treason and will be treated as such,” a member of the Conservative party told the Daily Telegraph.

Economic Crisis, Riots, Unrest – Welcome to the Next Thirty Years

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The institute has revealed a damning report detailing some horrific plans for the future involving deep economic crisis and civil unrest.

“The populations that survive the coming anarchy and destruction will be very few and to their honour they will be rewarded by the elite scientific experts for their Darwinian sturdiness,” Keith Wallace, a key researcher and expert at the Institute of Population Control in Hampstead, London, wrote in the most recent research paper.

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Excerpts from the report say: “The human race, according to the United Nations has reached its 7 billionth person, and threatens to double in 15 years. This is a profound threat to life on this planet, and this is why it is imperative that the population increase is thwarted as the planet’s resources cannot sustain such locust-like numbers. China, India, Africa and South America, where the poor breed with such gusto are the main culprits to the destruction of the earth. To avert a Malthusian nightmare, and introduce a new scientific world order where religious myths and fairy tales and nationalism are punishable by death, there may have to be a major world war or complete global civil unrest. There are many ways the controllers can whittle down the populations; through pandemics, war and riots. It may be necessary to combine many elements.

“We are gearing up to a final denouement on this wasteful consumerist civilization. The post-consumerist age will adhere to strict scientific principals led by experts, who will build a controlled population from the embers of the wasteland remaining. It sounds like a nightmare situation to anyone who reads this now, but the elite controllers have planned this for many centuries and there is no peaceful way of bringing in the next system without the complete nihilistic destruction of the previous incarnation.They created a system which is sadly defunct and not manageable anymore.

“The world government has come about because the current rulers have become too soft and leave all important decisions to be implemented and designed by experts. They have thus allowed their powers to be usurped by the less lordly experts who will form the next world government.” the report cited.

According to the research institute, the coming society of experts will embrace all eminent men of science and will possess the most “devastating arsenal of weapons known to man.” There will, therefore, be no more war, since opposition to the unscientific would be doomed to immediate failure.

The society of experts will control all propaganda and education and will teach loyalty to the world eco government, making nationalism high treason.

The world government, being an oligarchy, will instil submissiveness into the majority of the population, only leaving initiative, and habit of command to its members.

Population controls will be heavily regulated by the scientific government and the breeding programs will be able to create workers as well as those of the governing class.

Education of the workers will be conducted in a scientific manner engendering a sense docility, industriousness, punctuality, thoughtlessness and contented manner to the ordinary men and women. New technology will probably involve microchipping of the workers at birth or later on, and will ensure that they adhere to the new societies rules. They will be trained mostly outdoors and limited in their education with very little study. Initiative will be discouraged in these children, and insubordination will be scientifically trained out of them.

The manual workers will be fairly happy. The rulers will be successful in making the manual workers foolish and frivolous; work will not be too severe, and there will be endless amusements of a trivial sort. Owing to sterilization, love affairs need not have awkward consequences so long as they are not between a man and woman who are both of them unsterilized. In this way a life of easygoing and frivolous pleasure may be provided for the manual workers, combined of course with a superstitious reverence for the governors instilled in childhood and prolonged by the propaganda to which adults will be exposed.

The governing classes, on the other hand, will be educated to the highest standards utilising state of the art equipment and technology. Their genetic makeup will be altogether different than the ordinary workers as they will have superlative strength of character, intelligence and hold elements of the highest possible ability.

By the use of eugenics, sterilization, nanotechnology and genetic engineering, the world government will create a flawless society of governors and workers and thus enable the scientific dictatorship to flourish.

Politicians today of all parties realise that the populations are becoming harder to control. This is because many are slowly waking up and becoming more aware of how they are being controlled. This form of awareness is supremely dangerous to governments, and in the past, the people could be fooled easily, now, through the internet — not so easily.

As this form of civilization winds down, one must take into account that the coming overt world government will not be constrained by the fake democracy we have now, they will revel in their adoption of a complete all encompassing scientific dictatorship.

Wall Street Stockbrokers Occupy Deserted Field in College Campus

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“We demand our rights to make loads of money and spend it on fast cars, fast women and luxury penthouses,” Larry Silverheimer, 45, a mortgage broker, who earned $16 million last year and paid only $120,000 tax on that, told reporters.

The bankers were flown onto the deserted field via helicopter and their butlers and servants created luxury tents for them to protest from.

“I’m here today to beg the Occupy Wall Street protesters to forgive my excesses. Last year alone I made over $25 million in taxpayer funded bonuses even though I actually lost taxpayers’ bailout money trading. How about that for an amazing turnaround. I was rewarded for failing. Now that’s what I call banking!” Ed Jimsen, 32, a senior banker at Goldman Sachs told the FT.

The assembled bankers want to demand more funds from the Federal Reserve so they can carry on with their luxurious lifestyles.

“The Fed has to pay us some more money because we’ve basically run out of money from the last bailout. We kinda spent it all already. We want the US taxpayers to pay for more of our goodies. Shieet, I have a fleet of Maseratis, Lamborghinis and Ferraris to service, step up to the plate people, y’all owe me,” an angry Billy Batts, 31, senior analyst at J.P. Morgan told a news crew.

The Mean Streets of Wall Street

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“One thing about these protests is that they have been carried out by a fraction of the population. To really make a difference, everyone has to stand up. If all the people who are watching these protesters getting beat upon their heads by truncheons decided to walk out of the comfort of their homes onto the streets, the party would be over for the controllers. Their way of life is threatened by the masses rising up and standing up. They want you to look away, carry on working eighteen hour days so you can pay for their bonuses. This is the cold reality. You are there solely so that they can live a life of luxury, you have to carry on working and paying tax so that they can spend it on whores, limitless expense accounts and everything they want. You, Joe Zero, need to work and kill yourself working so that they can f*ck you over,” a New Yorker, who witnessed the beatings yesterday told NBC.

And what of the protesters who were calling for an Obama second term? Were they not thinking of the $85,000 jewellery that Michelle Obama wears on her wrist, or the fact that Obama himself ordered the police in. Sadly, most of the protesters are children, and do not understand the intricacies of the evil system.

Come, let us play, amongst the truncheons and tasers, there goes another bone cracking and maybe a split skull or two. It’s just another day in Wall Street.

You may lose your kid’s college fund in the market pits in the morning, but he won’t mind, because he’s going to jail for a long time for protesting against the mighty powers that control everything.

Jamie Oliver’s Secret Recipes

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This week only in the Daily Squib and every piece of media known to man including, television, radio, billboards, mobile phones, internet and cinema advertising, you will get to see Jamie Oliver’s fat head slapping around the screen telling you what to eat and do.

“Everywhere I look I see Jamie Oliver and his fat fucking tongue hanging out. This cunt gets everywhere. Go to the supermarket and half the products have his name and face on it, I can’t buy anything anymore. I flat out refuse to do so. Then I go home and switch on the telly, and he’s on there with his fat tongue telling us what to eat and do. Why don’t you go home and shag your neglected wife for a change and take your kids to the park and leave us alone you money grabbing fat tongued fake cockney ponce,” Rob Nesbit, 45, a teacher from East Munters told the BBC.

Jamie Oliver gets everything from Sainsbury’s including his personality and he wants to train everyone in the UK to do the same.

Jamie’s Secret Recipe for the Day

  • After shopping at Sainsbury’s and getting all the Jamie Oliver brand ingredients, go home and get ready to cook.

 

  • First, get a bucket, so the spittle from your tongue can be collected and added to the dish later. Then get all the Jamie Oliver branded ingredients and stick them in a bowl.

 

  • Pause for a moment as you realise that the money you spent buying the goods will enrich and encourage one of the most annoying cunts in the history of televisual chef-dom to carry on annoying the population even further.

 

  • After you put the ingredients in a bowl, add the bucket of spittle and mix with a whisk until frothy. Add some ‘butta’ and say the word ‘literally’ every few seconds, then serve on a rustic looking faux wood kitchen table and garnish with some Jamie Oliver parsnip grown on an organic sustainable eco sewage heap in some industrial estate in Glasgow.

Next week – another wonderful Jamie Oliver spittle filled dish served up for your displeasure

Did Liam Fox Spend Night With William Hague?

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Defence Secretary, Liam Fox, may have spent a night in a single hotel room with Foreign Secretary William Hague, reports from a London hotel claim.

Amidst more lurid rumours surrounding the two cabinet ministers, they have vehemently denied any wrongdoing and have stated that they were only conducting secret cabinet meetings from within the confines of the hotel room.

Mr Hague, 49, dismissed “‘utterly false” rumours about his friendship with Mr Fox who is the Defence Secretary. But he did admit they “occasionally shared twin hotel rooms” to save money.

Dr Liam Fox also cited the money saving attributes to the room share: “These are austere times we are living in and we’re not only making cuts in the MoD but even ministers have to make cuts. Sometimes you just have to push the stool in and take it like a man, the cuts affect everyone.”

Massive Suicide Increase After Blackberry Shutdown

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“People are dying out there. Blackberry has to do something and do something quick. I ‘ve seen fifteen Blackberry users jump from tower blocks today alone, and it’s barely 9.30 am,” Jasper Lebovic, a waiter in Fenchurch street, London, told the Evening Standard.

The crippled smartphones are now leaving a wake of destruction behind them not only in the UK but globally as well.

“We have noticed a massive jump in the number of Blackberry suicides, forgive the pun,” an emergency worker in New York told local news stations.

One Blackberry user who was eventually talked down from jumping off a downtown tower in Los Angeles said: “I was desperate. I couldn’t connect to Twitter or Facebook for a whole half hour. I was just about to jump when the service was temporarily restored. That’s when the policeman grabbed me and brought me down from the ledge.”

In a statement, RIM, which makes BlackBerry devices, said: “BlackBerry subscribers need to calm the f*ck down, it’s only the internet. You can make voice calls or even better write a letter. How about talking to someone face to face you stupid tech obsessed dumbf*cks. We are experiencing intermittent service delays this morning so calm the f*ck down already.”

The firm faced growing calls for compensation from users who were still alive. All over the world, European, Middle Eastern and African BlackBerry owners have now endured three working days without mobile internet access, including email and instant messaging.

'Underpants Bomber' Had Skid Marks Court Told

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“This guy had huge skid marks in his underpants, we’re not talking about a few little lines here, we’re talking major skid marks that could only mean he was shitting himself on that plane,” Jeff Dean, one of the prosecutors in the trial told the court.

The ‘Underpants Bomber’ gave himself away from the smell emanating from his bung hole, and scared passengers who immediately pinned the Islamic fundamentalist down on the cabin’s floor to extract his poopy pants. They were later praised for their quick thinking actions.

“I’ll never forget that day. I was sitting next to this guy and he suddenly started shifting around on his seat, you know like when a dog has butt worms and drags its butt around the floor. Then the smell hit me, he started shouting Allah snack bar stuff and looking all wild eyed. I knew something was wrong, and about a dozen off us got this crazy mofo down and took his underpants off. He had a bomb in there, but the skid marks were huge. I still get nightmares,” Jack Stollof, a passenger on the ill fated flight told the court.

No one knows what the outcome of the trial will be but when photographs of the skid marks were shown to the jury and court, there were gasps heard all around.

Famous actor and Scatologist, Tom Cruise, who attended the hearing researching his latest film, told Hollywood Weekly magazine: “When I saw those underpants and their skid marks, I knew that the spirit of N. Ron Hubbub and the Kretans was still alive. It’s as if I could smell the wonder of those klingons right from where I was sitting in the gallery.”

Osborne to Stimulate Economy With More Heavy Taxation

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“Instead of working for 320 days in the year before you make any money for yourself, we want you to work for 359 days of the year before you pay off the taxation,” Mr Osborne said smirking wildly during a parliamentary conference.

George Osborne thinks that restoring growth in the economy is the most important thing to do so this is why he increased VAT to 20% and increased all taxes by 45% as well keeping the 50% tax rate so that there could be a mass brain drain of talent and businesses from the UK.

“It is imperative that we stimulate growth in the economy by taxing people and businesses so much that they cannot move or function. Let’s get Britain moving shall we,” Mr Osborne added.

Reporters attending the conference asked Mr Osborne what his Plan B is. He replied: “More taxation.”