17.7 C
London
Monday, March 30, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 640

Luxury Hotels to Stay in During the Economic Depression

Roger Melkins
-
0
Luxury Hotels to Stay in During the Economic Depression

You may be on the brink of financial collapse, your household finances in ruins and your budget barely able to afford to put food on the table, but why not book a luxury hotel trip for the whole family for posterities sake so you can sink even deeper into the mire?

The Daily Squib Luxury Hotel Guide

 

1) That payday loan at 13,600% APR really paid off and you and the missus are on the way to a luxury hotel for the night. The edifice of the Turlows hotel will be familiar to anyone who’s murdered their grandma for her inheritance to pay for a fleeting luxury lifestyle for a few days. This amazing hotel has recently had an £18million refurbishment. The hotel’s 300 5 star rooms have been completely redesigned to look really really expensive, as have the hotel’s food and beverage offerings and common areas. At £7,500 per night for the cheapest room please enjoy your stay and don’t forget to check out at the top fifty fourth floor restaurant jumping through the glass when you receive your fucking bill.

2) Forget your kids’ university fund, why not piss it all away with a two night stay at this amazing joint? Chingku has unveiled its second property in China this month, with the opening of Chingku Yunnan Resort & Spa. Rooms cost a whopping $23,000 per night and you get a bowl of fucking soup with that too — get used to it because you’ll be eating that for the rest of your sorry life after spending all your money in this expensive toxic plastic Chinese shit hole. Situated about an hour from LingFong International Airport in China’s Yunnan factory district (explosions optional), the property contains 280 guest rooms and 43 villas spread over a 600 hectare site with 50 different plastic toxic garden habitats.

3) You’ve got no money and the world is in a terrible economic depression. Fuck it! Contemporary art collectors Hermy DiGonzo and Fanny Tucker have opened this luxury boutique hotel with smarmy overpriced art splatterings on the fucking walls. By adding the art on the walls, the price just went up by 1850% so enjoy the unaffordable ambience of your fucking stay. The quirky rooms provide a place to enjoy art and cultural performances while your home is repossessed by the bank at home.

4) Celebrated chef Nobber Shamagato has expanded his interests in the hospitality (cleaning out) industry with the opening of the Nobber Hotel at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Enjoy your unaffordable stay and why not gamble away the little you may have left in the casino downstairs. The hotel includes the world’s largest Nobber restaurant, which no doubt will be popular with guests drawn to his name but not his extortionate fucking prices. Don’t forget, the check-out time is 3am in the morning when they turf you out of bed and throw you in the street for not being able to pay the full cost of the bill.

5) Bland and boring desert shit hole Dubai can claim another spot in the record books – with the opening of the Islamic Highest High Highest of All Tower this month it is now home to the world’s tallest hotel. Coming in at 12,764ft, the remarkably ugly and vulgar hotel includes five hundred and ninety restaurants all selling the same shit food. The rooms will set you back thirty years of your life as you are imprisoned in one of the famous Dubai jails for not paying your bill debt after checking-out of the luxury hotel, or you can simply jump to your death from the top floor.

Brit Awards Latest

Roger Melkins
-
0
Brit Awards Latest

Imagine a grey forest with desecrated trees, just the stumps smouldering in the charred ground and dark clouds spitting out acid rain onto the sodden earth. This is the Music Industry now, and these are the bland, talentless corporate acts that are now its champion.

“Our marketing department sold X amount of records last year and we received a Brit award for it. That means we’re great musicians and songwriters even though we cannot play a single note,” a member of some anonymous boy band revealed last night.

What is the point in having such a bland useless award ceremony for such a bland useless crop of multinational conglomerate created pap?

“If you feed the people enough crap, then they don’t know anything else and consume it without question. Look at the horse and donkey meat being served up to the masses. The people just eat it up without protest and would have continued to do so if no one had said anything,” a Brit award ceremony commentator said last night.

Hercule Poirot Investigates Pistorius

Roger Melkins
-
0

“Mes amis, we have a rather delicate problem here. We must first find the motive, then we can find the conclusion to the ruse and games being played here. It may look like a situation with a jilted lover who has had one steroid too many and done the dirty deed on his poor girlfriend but let us not pass judgement too easily. Conversely, it could be that our legless friend is one hundred percent innocent and genuinely thought that an intruder had somehow alighted in the ensuite bathroom and locked themselves in there to steal a few bars of soap. Whichever way you choose to look at this, the answer is already a known fact, we are the ones who have to discover it and bring upon justice,” monsieur Poirot said, shortly after arriving at the scene of the murder yesterday.

The case is ongoing.

 

U.S. Police Told to Take Guns From the Criminals

Roger Melkins
-
0
U.S. Police Told to Take Guns From the Criminals

“We want the police to disarm the criminals and not us. Who’s going to disarm the criminals when the police come into our homes and confiscate our weapons?” Al Darpa, an anti-gun confiscation campaigner told CNN last night.

Obama and his Democrat party has been upping the tempo on the gun ban rhetoric as of late and they are now planning sweeping laws which will forbid the ownership of certain guns and magazines.

“The thing is he is making it hard for law abiding U.S. citizens to own guns for protection, but he is not saying how he is going to disarm the criminals who have some of the most sophisticated weaponry out there. Come on Obama, how are you going to disarm the criminals, and when are you going to do it? Why should there be one law for us and no law for them?” another anti-gun ban campaigner said.

Cammo Gets Begging Bowl Out For the Indians

Roger Melkins
-
0
Cammo Gets Begging Bowl Out For the Indians

When you need some help to get out of a sticky economic situation, you put your pride and dignity by the door and go on a major grovelling exercise, as the British PM is now doing in India.

“I will allow your workforce to come over to Britain as long as we get all those lucrative business deals in India and you open up your box of goodies once again to us,” Cameron said on Monday.

The Imperial legacy of Queen Victoria is still very much evident across the vast sprawling country of India with the architecture and bureaucratic system still intact, but so are some rather dark memories of the era still fresh in the minds of most Indians.

“The days of the Raj are over, and now that Britain is bankrupt, it seems as if they are coming back for more plundering,” an observer of the grovelling operation noted.

Why Pushing America’s Second Revolution Will Benefit the Elite

Roger Melkins
-
1
Why Pushing America’s Second Revolution Will Benefit the Elite

It stands to reason that there will soon come a point in the U.S. economy where the deficit will not be able to be paid off. By printing money, there will be a huge spike in inflation and the dollar will collapse into nothing.

Now ask yourself the question. Why is Obama pushing the ‘gun control’ agenda at a time when Americans should be thinking about how to pay the vast social security bill, the Medicaid bill, the Obamacare bill, the food stamp bill, the veterans bill, the baby boomers bill and every other liability old Uncle Sam has to pay right now?

Arthur Weinstein, an economics professor at Stanford University said: “Obama knows very well that America has no chance in paying back its loans to China, and of course, so does China. As the Chinese dragon slows its production, it knows that there will come a time when Americans will have to admit that they cannot pay up and a default will be imminent.”

“The big boys know what’s going to happen, this is why the artificially inflated stock market is rocketing now and suckering in all the chumps while the people who know what’s round the corner are quietly dumping their stock and buying gold at rock bottom prices. When the next wave comes, you better duck fuckers or you’re shit out of luck,” a source on the NYSE revealed today.

As for Obama, he’s simply playing the waiting game and laying the foundations for a second revolution. As he swings another golf club on some luxury course, he probably thinks to himself of what a great job he has done for his masters.

Gerald Balthazar, a key researcher at a leading Washington DC Think tank recently said: “Obama is not as stupid as he looks. He is a person who knows how to harness other people’s energy and talent for his own gain. When the long awaited second American revolution kicks off, he will cheer as he is whisked on to Airforce One.”

The president is pushing the gun control agenda because he knows somewhere along the line someone is going to snap, and when that happens, it will be a great excuse to get out of paying the bills around America. With Soviet techniques like repetition of the message over and over again, he is instilling the gun control agenda within the American psyche but also at the same time creating a massive opposing force. This opposing force will at some point fracture and the shooting will start, at first sporadically then spread like wildfire.

Gun control is the perfect smokescreen for economic ineptitude and disaster. Gun control will also be the catalyst for major civil unrest and to exonerate the authorities on how they dealt with the economic crisis and why their decisions escalated the deficit to impossible levels resulting in Martial law.

The elite want riots to happen, because this is the only way to get out of this mess. They always pride themselves in creating order from chaos, or ordo ab chao as they say in their secret chambers. Soon enough, they will have a whole new jigsaw to assemble once again.

Scandal: Food Found at London Fashion Week Causes Panic

Roger Melkins
-
1
Scandal: Food Found at London Fashion Week Causes Panic

During a preliminary rehearsal yesterday evening, a London Fashion Week official discovered some crumbs of food behind the model cat walk stage and in a corridor there were bits of food wrapping found.

“We found a pile of crumbs behind the stage at London Fashion Week. This means that a model may have eaten something,” Jennifer Abergavenny, a fashion house leader told the Guardian newspaper.

The scandal has rocked the fashion world and may threaten the rest of London Fashion Week.

“I just heard the awful news, a model who has participated in London Fashion Week may have eaten some food. Quel scandale? We need to find her and root her out of the business,” KiKi Labroutenne, a fashionista from Paris told the Fashion Times.

Is Britain ready for this latest food scandal to hit our food scandal hit shores?

U.S. Petrol Prices Slowly Reaching U.K. 1980s Prices

Roger Melkins
-
0
U.S. Petrol Prices Slowly Reaching U.K. 1980s Prices

“All I see on the net are Americans moaning about their gasoline prices. I worked it out, what they’re paying is what the UK motorist was paying in 1986. Why don’t you Yanks come over here and see what we have to pay?” a bankrupted British motorist told the BBC.

If any Americans had to pay what the UK motorist has to pay every day there would be riots in the streets. Try justifying 92% of the price going to fuel tax in the UK and you will see what we are dealing with here.

“Y’all Limeys need to stop driving because if that was me I would not be goddamn driving. Are you guys crazy? My 3 MPG SUV would be left in my drive,” an American motorist from Detroit told ABC news.

Moral of the story is, stop your whining and think for a second what the Brits are paying for their petrol.

Iain Duncan Smith to Do Shelf Stacking Says Cameron

Roger Melkins
-
0
Iain Duncan Smith to Do Shelf Stacking Says Cameron

“I have joined the Back-to-Work programme that I started and ran for a couple of years. I will be stacking shelves in my local Poundland shop for £2.23 an hour and gaining valuable work experience for my effort,” Mr Duncan Smith told the Daily Mail.

Prime Minister David Cameron sacked Mr Duncan Smith on Friday because “it just was not working out” he said.

There is still no mention of a replacement for Iain Duncan Smith but the Cabinet post will possibly be filled by the end of this week.

Dispatches from Westminster seem to suggest that Mr Cameron is looking for fresh ministerial talent and not the old Tory guard.

Chinese Can Now Cut Their Atmosphere Like Cake

Roger Melkins
-
2
Chinese Can Now Cut Their Atmosphere Like Cake

“Today I am serving pollution pie. It is lovely pie with heavy metals, phosphates, poisonous gases and a good dose of carcinogenic particles,” Ling Ling Xiamin, a 34-year-old Chinese woman from Beijing’s East side told state television today.

The Beijing atmosphere is so heavy and thick that one needs a very sharp knife to cut through it.

“The air is solid, and you’re shit out of luck if you try and put a naked flame anywhere near it. Kaboom! Sometimes I see people trying to light a cigarette and they spontaneously combust. There is literally nothing left of them afterwards,” another citizen of Beijing said.

It is not only dangerous to breathe in the noxious fumes into your lungs, but visibility is next to zero and some Beijing city officials are proposing the use of heat sensors or radar to see where things are.

“We are working on being able to detect objects in the streets and open spaces with radar and heat scanners. This will enable people to go about their daily lives in a relatively normal fashion,” Wing Wang Wong, a high ranking communist party official in charge of air pollution told the Xinhua news network.

1...639640641...813Page 640 of 813
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH