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No UK ‘Double Dip’ Recession During Great Depression

Dmitri Kong
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No UK ‘Double Dip’ Recession During Great Depression

“We revised the figures again to show that we actually never had a ‘double dip’ although Britain’s economy is in a Great Depression with millions of people out of work and a drastic fall in household disposable income, as well as savings. In other words, if you’ve got any money in the bank it’s practically worthless,” an ONS statistician revealed today.

The UK’s trade deficit increased by £4.7 billion and one only has to look at the High Street to see how Britain is really doing.

Boarded up shops, dole queues at the local off licence and betting shops tell a different story to the chipper news from the Office of National Statistics.

“It’s great, I’ve got a Masters in Geophysics and I’ve been employed as a road sweeper for the past year since graduation. Life can’t be better,” a recent graduate told the Daily Telegraph.

New Credit Cards For the Homeless Initiative Hailed a Success

Dmitri Kong
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New Credit Cards For the Homeless Initiative Hailed a Success

“If I ever need a brew, I just flash my card and I get a few tins to last me a few hours,” Alfred Thompson, 54, a homeless man who lives under Waterloo bridge told the BBC.

Having a credit card when you’re homeless really does ease the pain, and it’s all thanks to the many credit card companies who have stepped in as a gesture towards London’s homeless.

“We hope to provide as many homeless people with credit cards so they can spend, spend, spend,” one of the credit card companies involved in the scheme revealed.

As of yet there has not been any information released as to how the homeless will pay back the credit cards, but the companies involved say that they give credit cards to absolutely anyone and homeless people should not be discriminated against.

Genetically Modified Food Could Walk Into Your Mouth

Dmitri Kong
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Genetically Modified Food Could Walk Into Your Mouth

“You ever seen a piece of celery walk up your arm, then gently pop into your open mouth? Well, we have GM vegetables and fruits that can sprout legs and walk to your waiting mouth saving you a whole lot of trouble. The old days of knives and forks are over folks, welcome to the future,” professor Harold Fenster, project leader on the GM Food Trotter project told New Scientist magazine.

Depending on how hungry a person is, the GM food has different levels of speed and urgency in which it will find its way to your mouth.

“You might be late for work. No problem, just tap on the table three times and the GM food hurries up. A word of caution though, you don’t want to tap too much or you could choke with GM food traffic,” another scientist on the project revealed.

The new GM food will be available in shops in 2016 after further tests are completed.

Tories to Leave Note to Next Labour Government Saying ‘Here’s the Money Spend It’

Dmitri Kong
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Tories to Leave Note to Next Labour Government Saying ‘Here’s the Money Spend It’

“Labour spent everything, we’re currently trying to fix their mess, so we’re going to leave them a kind letter stating that we clawed back some money in the Treasury and they can spend it all again on their tin pot socialist projects and cronyistic spendthrift ways,” the Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne revealed.

The Tory letter will be left in one of the Treasury drawers and there will also be a blank cheque of taxpayers money to spend on foreign holidays, pork pies (if two jags Prescott is reinstated) as well as tonnes of cash for 47 inch 3D TVs for every long-term unemployed person in the UK.

Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls said: “We can’t wait. When we come into power in 2015 we will continue our goal to bankrupt Britain even further.”

Putin a Secret American Patriot

Dmitri Kong
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Putin a Secret American Patriot

“I have a confession to make. I have always been an American patriot. I want you to uphold your right to freedom of speech and the constitution as laid out by your American founding fathers. Unlike your current president, Obama who has trashed the constitution and holds the American public with contempt and disrespect, I as a Russian am a True American Patriot. God bless America and its constitution. Thou shalt have the right to bear arms, thou shalt have the right to NOT be needlessly searched, thou shalt have the right to freedom of expression, thou shalt have the right to go about ones daily business without mass surveillance, infringement and persecution. Your current president is a commie bastard. I never thought I would say that, and I think Americans should take their goddamn country back from that Stasi piece of lying дерьмо!” Russian president Vladimir Putin said on a television address on Tuesday.

Obama’s sanctimonious calls to country’s like China and Russia to curb surveillance and increase internet freedom are rather redundent at the moment after the mask was pulled off by American hero Edward Snowden.

Former Obama voter, Ron Washington said: “Obama fooled me and millions of Americans. Hell, I don’t think he’s even a full born and bred American, like was he born here? This guy should stop with the Stasi surveillance and checkpoints. The American people are not the enemy. Quit with the destruction of the American constitution. You ain’t a goddamn toe nail on the founders. Not even one hair on your body is worth what they wrote in the constitution. We, the people are not the enemy you humourless mangy dog. Now go on git. In Texas we have a saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, er…shame on me. Looks like I got fooled twice. Shame on me.”

When Americans Die Do They Go to Infomercial Heaven?

Dmitri Kong
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When Americans Die Do They Go to Infomercial Heaven?

Nothing sums up American society better than the Infomercial. It is part of their consumer culture.

“You can sell an American a twig from a tree if you put it in an Infomercial and give it a $19.95 price tag. That’s the beauty of living and doing business in America. I love it. God bless this country. My bank balance loves it too,” a businessman from Ohio said on his Infomercial selling twigs.

New White House Cook Announced

Dmitri Kong
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New White House Cook Announced

An excited Michelle Obama announced the new cook yesterday at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.

“I am pleased to announce our new cook. She is going to give us some true Southern style cooking.”

Paula Deen, who recently retired from the Food Network, is an expert cook and loves nothing better then to put a tub of butter in a pan and cook up those chitterlings like a pro.

“When I heard that I got the job I said some words beginning with N, and I got out my Soul Food book and started studying. You know, it’s gonna be like cooking for the work on the old plantation. I’m gonna make sure the Obama family is well catered for so they can spend our hard earned tax dollars vacationing in Europe. Gee, I can’t wait to start!” an excited Paula Deen said whilst cracking a whip on one of her negro waiters in her restaurant in Alabama.

How to Have a Barbecue During a British Summer

Dmitri Kong
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How to Have a Barbecue During a British Summer

It may be pissing down with twenty different shades of rain and the water droplets are so large they thud loudly and hurt you when they hit the top of your head.

Do not despair, the Daily Squib is here to rescue the situation and we will show you how to have that perfect British summer barbecue.

All you need to do is get the delicious food ready and you’ll soon be on your way.

The Daily Squib British Summer Barbecue Tips

1) Booking a flight outside the UK is easy these days. You can do it on the internet or you can go to a local travel agent that has not gone out of business on your High Street. Once you book your flight, simply get on the plane with your food and when you arrive at the sunny destination of your choice, you can have a lovely barbie. A word of caution though, do not try and have a barbecue in the airport at the arrivals terminal or you could be in for a surprise.

2) Wait for next summer, or if that one is bad, wait for another summer. This could go on for the next ten or twenty years, but the wait will be worthwhile.

3) Moving to another sunnier country is not a problem, that is if you are willing to put up with the natives, and you can have a barbecue every day as opposed to only two days in a five year period in the UK.

4) Have a wet barbecue. Make sure to pre-cook the barbecue meat first in a frying pan, then take it out into the rain and put it onto your barbecue.

5) Don’t have a barbecue. This is the simplest way of dealing with the problem. Instead, why not opt for a ready-made meal from a superstore or better still, a takeaway curry with a few tinnies sitting in front of the telly. Job done.

Prince Charles Laments Princess Diana Not Ageing Well

Dmitri Kong
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Prince Charles Laments Princess Diana Not Ageing Well

“We married in 1981 and she was the picture of beauty, young with porcelain skin, but now I’m afraid she looks like an old leather bag found in the castle attic,” the Prince Charles remarked, before getting into the royal chauffeur driven limousine.

There are rumours in the Palace that all is not well with the Prince and his wife.

“We have unconfirmed reports from Palace aides that the Prince may be thinking about trading his old model in for a newer one. These are of course unconfirmed rumours and cannot be substantiated at this time,” a Royal correspondent for the BBC revealed today.

Spy Charged With Spying

Dmitri Kong
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0

“One of our spies was..er..spying and that’s why we..er..charged him with spying,” an unidentified spokesman said from a bush outside the Pentagon.

These are serious allegations against the spy and if he is caught and charged for spying he could be in trouble.

“He was spying. Now that’s a crime because we trained him to spy on millions of Americans and he spied on us instead. We need to catch him and rewire his goddamn brain, the daft git,” another unnamed spook revealed.

It seems there’s a lot of spying going on these days.

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