17.7 C
London
Thursday, January 1, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 567

Obama: “Putin is Bluffing”

1

While Obama twiddles his thumbs, maybe plays another round of golf and flies around to meet the Pope, he is encouraged by the fact that Russian president Vladimir Putin is bluffing.

“There is nothing to see here. Putin is not doing anything. I know he’s bluffing. I’m more concerned with dirty bums on the streets of Manhattan,” the president of the United States said from the golf course.

Unconscious Couple Caught Coupling Consciously by Semi-Conscious Policeman

 

“The perpetrators of this audacious act were caught coupling in an unconscious state on the beach. I myself am always in a semi-conscious state so I don’t know if what I saw actually happened but I have a feeling it kinda could have happened consciously speaking. Did I just say that?” officer Dean Geraldo for the LAPD told his superiors before being fired on the spot.

The couple in question, were not named but have been stretchered off to a macrobiotic holistic personal development acai berry quinoa center somewhere in Beverly Hills for some unconscious yoga coupling sessions.

Why Fluoridated water is Good For You

1

Fluoride in the water system is very good for the population because it affects certain parts of the brain that enables compliance with authority and lowers the IQ of children.

“We learned this technique many years ago from a certain someone with a dodgy moustache. What the Americans already do is put a by-product of the fertilizer industry into the water, so that these poisons benefit the population. We want to do the same in the UK now, so you can drink and wash in a lovely soup of fluoride and oestrogen every day. Do part your man boobs and listen, there is a reason why the male fertility rate is dropping at an increased rate, IQ levels are dropping and cancer rates are sky rocketing,” a Westminster insider revealed.

Fluorides are general protoplasmic poisons, probably because of their capacity to modify the metabolism of cells by changing the permeability of the cell membrane and by inhibiting certain enzyme systems, but don’t let that bother you when you have a nice cool glass of refreshing water.

Fluoridated water will also be utilised in food, ice cream and pretty much everything you consume. Enjoy!

Experts: The Inevitable Resurgence of European Fascism

0

Back in 2012 the Daily Squib predicted in its own way that the EU was a catalyst for the re-emergence of European fascism, in one form or another.

Through the billowing smoke of incompetence, corruption and idiocy of the European Union, there now rises a tangible fascistic threat to the current EU debacle.

Fascism is something that never went away from Europe, and there is a growing tide of discontent against the forced multiculturalism being pushed down the throats of the whites within the continent. The EU already incorporates an amalgamation of fascism and soviet ideologies, however pure fascism, as in the racial form could be a threat initially to the EU, but once it is dissolved, ethnic fascism would reconvene the states, as one cohesive unit, albeit without the non-whites.

“In any area of town, if anyone who has colour moves in, we move out. This is the way it has always been and will always be. The French are notoriously racist, and Le Pen is a reaction to the influx of African and Algerian immigration, who breed like rats and are a burden on French society. Fascism thrives when there is an element of threat, to spur on the white masses. They must feel as if they are in constant danger and a good leader will ensure he/she will keep on stoking the fires until a raging storm builds up,” a fascist Le Pen supporter revealed.

There are of course elements of the Hegelian Dialectic at work as well, deep down, the majority of whites detest any other skin colour, and it is this biological programming that allows fascism to flourish, as the supposed opposition wills it into place through forced multiculturalism.

The fasci rods are all too prevalent in the UK as the rise of the English national parties grow stronger every day. Mass immigration was allowed to happen for a reason, to create discontent and calls for a solution. If you overcrowd the indigenous population with foreigners, then you create hatred. This is what they want, they want the people to demand a solution, and they will be presented with one soon enough.

Looking from the outside inward, Martin Amis understands full well, that the English core is one of skin colour. He states astutely that darkies can never be English, and this is the defining point about Englishness. You may be well spoken, well educated or talented, even born in the UK, but you’re not English, and never will be. But what of the Poles, and other white Eastern Europeans who have come over to the UK in the most recent EU migratory push? Well, they may talk sort of funny, have weird names, but they will supersede the darkies, because not only are they white, but they’re Christian. They will be English one day. This is a fundamental point to make, they will supersede the immigration from the 1950s – 80s, which included many dark skinned people from the Commonwealth countries. Those immigrants into the UK, from the 50s – 80s will never be accepted into the English heartland, and are classed as untermenschen.

Therefore, we come to the crux of the matter. The rise of fascism in Europe is down to one very simple element, and that is the fact that what ever happens, if you have a non-white skin tone, which is something you were born with and cannot control, you are a lesser human being in the eyes of a fascist.

Soon the day may come when the soldiers come door to door, they will take the coloured occupants from their houses and march them down the streets all the while, the silent curtains twitching with relief.

Merkel Nuclear Game Gave Her the Sweats

0

There’s nothing like a good game of ‘nukes on the loose’ to put a few beads of sweat in your cleavage, as Frau Merkel found at a recent meeting with some heads of state.

“Obama told me to press the red button so I did and incinerated Frankfurt by accident,” Merkel said looking all agitated.

President Obama went a step further and let one off in Detroit, turning it into a waste land, not much difference there then Barrack.

As for Cameron, in his game, he found a dirty bomb under Salmond’s desk, and promptly allowed it to explode flattening Glasgow.

Surely these sort of games are in bad taste, whatever happened to a little checkers or chess?

Obama: “I’m Not in Charge Anyway the NSA is”

0

 

“Don’t be knockin’ on me. My hands are tied, I got nothin’ to do wit it. I just got into this mess by being elected by accident,” president Obama said from his Hawaiian retreat Sunday night.

The beleaguered president then went on another one of his rants: “They be spying on Finklestein, Carter, Biden and Michelle. Hell, they even spied on my pet dawg, whassisname? Ah, never mind, listen I don’t know what’s going on, I get orders, you know memos about what I gotta say every day, they then tell me to show up some place, read off a teleprompter, then go back to some big ol’ house painted all white n sheeit. You think I asked for all this aggro? Then I got Zuckerburger on one line, Netanyahoo on the other, and who’s that other ass clown, oh yeah, Putin on hold. What you think I am, Superman? I’m just some guy from Kenya who got lucky. NSA is above the law, they can lie to Congress and do whatever they want, and if they don’t like you, well let’s say they can press the delete button whenever they want. Don’t hate the playa hate the game…”

General Election: You Will Get Lib Dems Whichever Way You Vote

0

That’s the good news, whichever way you vote in the 2015 elections, you will get the Lib Dems.

“It’s almost akin to getting a ring worm lodged firmly in your lower intestine. The Lib Dem parasites latch on and come with any political party you vote for. Is there a way to get rid of them? No, is the simple answer, and a heavy dose of antibiotics just makes them latch on even more,” a Westminster insider revealed yesterday.

What have the Lib Dems achieved during the current Coalition government? Not much apart from a nauseating whining noise as soon as they open their suppurating mouths.

Pawn Takes Knight Russia Bides Its Time

2

 

“With debt obligations in excess of $70 trillion in 2012, can the US play economic games with Russia? After all, there is a self sufficiency to the Russians, they are used to hardship and toil, the Americans on the other hand are not used to scrimping and saving, they simply spend and spend even more.

“The cracks will eventually widen as the Russkies dig in, whereas the Yanks, who are addicted to their profligacy and over indulgence in all matters will simply spend more money that they do not have thus digging an even bigger debt hole for themselves.

“There is of course an element of good cop bad cop with the current brinkmanship being displayed, as in reality, Obama and Putin are keen followers of the same Marxist policies. This is simply a game, and since Americans feel they have scattered the contrived Islamic threat some what, there is a hunger to find a new enemy for the plebs to wave their jingoist flags and bay at.

“The economic war has been going on for some time, way before any Ukrainian excursion, however as things escalate, the main target will probably be the dollar.

“By simply putting a spanner in the cogs, Russia could destabilise the dollar initially making it rise to unheard of heights, then slapping it down to nothing. Many countries have been slowly unloading, and the dollar is not safe any more as a world currency. The dollar is key to global stability, but more importantly, it is crucial for Americans, purely as a fiat currency, this is why things are so cheap in the U.S. if that were to go, then the Americans would be paying inflated prices for goods that the rest of the world is forced to pay.

“It is interesting that whenever Obama utters a word, he makes sure he iterates the point that it is the rest of the world against Russia. America is not the ‘rest of the world’ they may think they are, but they are not any more, and it is this arrogance, and insular ignorance which will be their final undoing.”

Madonna Grows Escargot For Gourmet Diners

The exquisite taste of escargot nestled in dizzying butter, that has grown under the armpit of  the world’s most famous female pop star is a dream to behold, as it sizzles in a frying pan in one of New York’s most exclusive eateries.

Madonna has been cultivating snails under her arm pits for some time now, she has a penchant for such delicacies, and enjoys the feeling of companionship only a snail can give.

“I love the crunching sound when I lower my arm. These snails feed off my arm pit hair and the little critters that live there. They do tend to grow quite large, possibly due to the extra nutrients I give them,” Madonna said at New York’s premier French restaurant, Chez Salope.

The four Michelin starred restaurant also pays top dollar for the escargot, not only for the star factor of the grande dame of pop, but the sheer size of these bags of slimy puss.

Head chef, Gerard Draino, revealed: “Madonna’s escargot is delightful, they are succulent and have an amazing aroma. Our patrons naturally pay through the nose, and we’re not talking snot, but oodles of cash to eat a Madonna escargot.”

An Exclusive Tour of George Osborne’s Garden City

0

George Osborne has been touting his proposed new Garden City in Ebbsfleet directly on a flood plain close to the Thames, and luckily for a few privileged fellows, he has revealed some plans of the wondrous project.

“Quite simply, when the area is not flooded, there will be numerous shops for people to enjoy in the Garden City. Betting shops, more betting shops, pawn shops, Polski Skleps and a Tesco every three yards. You will have second hand shops, maybe a food bank and a job centre for citizens to browse non existent jobs that nobody wants. The idyllic Garden City will be built around a concrete grey hub with a noisy high speed train running straight through the middle and in the local park will be an eco fracking centre next to the children’s playground. We will build hovels for the poor here, mostly ghastly tower blocks, where they can play bingo to their hearts content and wile away the many hours of utter, utter, fucking boredom drinking cheap piss water beer,” Mr Osborne said from his Surrey mansion.