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Obama Threatens Putin With..er..You Know..Some Bad Stuff..

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President Obama has threatened that dastardly Russian Vladimir Putin with a good slap on the wrist. Something that will make him reach for the vodka, maybe a date with Obama’s wife would do the trick.

“I’m gonna do something bad to you Putin. You crossed the red line, so I drew another red line, then another one, you keep crossing the line nigga, so Ima gon threaten you with a measly sanction. Now go on git, you gotta gibsme a reason to reach fo’ ma gun, and I’m tellin’ you boy, Ima gettin’ itchy fingers here onda trigger. Worse still, I set Michelle on ya scrawny azz. You evah got yo butt kicked by an angry black woman? Thas what am thinkin’ boy, no cracka azz biotch gonna sho me up in front of all ma bruthas and sistas, Ima gon take da fight to you,” President Obama said from under his desk clutching the phone with shaky hands, this time not opting for a twitter photo.

New Theory: Was Malaysian Airliner a Stealth Fighter?

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Crash experts have come up with a new theory that is bound to boggle the mind, and it states that the Malaysian Airliner MH370 was a secret stealth fighter smuggled out of a base somewhere in the U.S.

“We think that flight MH370, a Boeing 777 somehow transformed in mid air into the latest stealth fighter from America’s military. All the pilot had to do was press a button and the wings shrunk, a protective radar resistant foam was spray painted over the fuselage and the tail wing morphed into an x wing or something like that. Damn, I’d pay good money to see that,” Gerald Ingram, a crash investigator and engineer revealed to CNN.

If this is true, that means the stealth fighter could be anywhere in the world right now as it would have extra fuel tanks, or if there are collaborators, most certainly the plane was refuelled in the air.

Man Finds Cure For 40p Tax Rate

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“It’s quite simple really, don’t work. What’s the point in working if all your money goes away never to be seen again? There’s a bit of madness in that, don’t you think? Let’s look at it this way, your money that you work bloody hard for, is siphoned straight out of your account and goes away, you worked for that, now it’s gone. That’s it! And what do you get for that money that was taken away? Nothing. Simple as that folks. You get nothing but a big wide eyed stare. That’s the 40p tax rate explained for you,” the man said from his hammock in his back garden whilst cradling a nice jug of ale.

Maybe someone should tell the other worker bees about such thoughts.

Tips on Painting the Parisian City

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When choosing which medium to paint the Parisian landscape, delve into your surroundings, as Paris is now a polluted traffic nightmare, you will not need oils or water colour, instead opt for charcoal sticks and a bucket of polluted water.

The canvas should preferably be a dark colour as if it is white, when you add the grey clouds of polluted air into your master piece it would invariably be tiresome to say the least. You will only need two colours in your palette, grey and dark grey, if you are feeling adventurous, maybe some black.

Artists have always marvelled at the quality of light in Paris, but you should discard this altogether as you will not be able to see five paces in front of you let alone the Eiffel tower. Forgetting the great painters, like Monet, Rodin, Matisse, Cézanne, Toulouse-Lautrec, Degas will be an easy task in today’s Paris, as they painted idyllic portraits and landscapes of an altogether different time where even though there was industrial pollution, it was not half as bad as Paris today.

Prince Charles Letter to Daily Squib Urges Restraint

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Prince Charles has penned another letter, this time to the Daily Squib, urging restraint in satirical matters, we can reveal the letter in full for the first time.

Dear Daily Squib,

One enjoys one’s awkward peeps into the nether regions of your site on the odd occasion, that is when the horsey allows one. One is urging you, the Daily Squib to please tone down the royal stuff as we do chuckle sometimes but we are..er..royal and you’re not meant to take the Prince Michael out of one. Lazy Kate and Ginger all agree it is a bit too much, as for Cressie, all this royal limelight is sort of off putting to put it lightly. ‘ere, if you stop with the old satire stuff we could give one of your writers an O.B.E, or even have them decapitated, oops did one write that? One meant knighted, not chopped orf, shame those days are gone as one would like a few ministers in the Tower with their heads on a stick. Andy Pandy says his Croation escort tires him out incessantly but the writing in the Squib tires him out even further, it so very tedious. As for mama, she’s a trained assassin as you already know, and if she gets a snifter of any more ridiculous satirical nonsense, she may get rather high in dudgeon. One must not forget papa’s wrath, as he speaketh with a very versatile forked tongue.

 

p.s. Please take that seal of royal approval down and replace it with one of distinct un-approval.

 

Yours Sincerely

Charlie

 

After receiving the Prince Charles letter, we were required by royal decree to always display the Royal Seal of Un-Approval on our publication at all times.

Squib_Royal_Seal_of_Unapproval

 

Experts: What Exactly Did Putin Read in Those Snowden Files?

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“As the forces of Russia build up in Crimea, something has got Putin’s goat, he knows something about the U.S. and what he knows he may have garnered from the Snowden files.

“Who knows what piece of information Putin is acting on, as those NSA files distributed by Edward Snowden were certainly detailed — that is the files that have been released for public consumption.

“What we do know is that the West has been spying on people, but this is not news to many, they have been doing it for centuries, as has the rest of the world, everyone is spying on everyone. These days however, the spying is more thorough as we live in a digital age where information can be appropriated in higher volumes and with increased depth and detail.

“David Cameron has unfortunately weakened the British army, as Obama has weakened the U.S. army, so who is to stand against the mighty bear Russia?

“All this talk about the UK/US economy rising and rising, seems like a red herring for those in the know. All it will take to strike fear into the economists is a well placed chess piece from the Russians. Chess is something Putin knows about, and Obama has been shown to be a rank amateur when it comes to geopolitical or military strategy, he is a talking illusion, all marketing and no substance, without his special advisers and teleprompter he amounts to a walking vacation. Cameron himself, is almost invisible, it is sometimes hard to believe he is actually there when he rarely appears on the screens, he is well versed in brown nosing though. No doubt military strategists are daily whispering in their ears about certain points of interest, but against the might of Russia and China, who is to say what can happen? Economic sanctions from the weakened West  serve no purpose but are tools to make events spiral further out of control, as Russia would have no option but to strike other targets decisively.

“The Russkie bear is being baited, it has been roused from hibernation, and if it sniffs fear and danger, its claws strike downwards tearing large chunks of flesh from its victim. A possible set up in a much larger game, maybe, but dangerous and foreboding all the same.

“The downward strike may equally create a wound on the supposed resurging economies of the West as the bull turns to bear, but any sane economist should know that the markets have been rising on artificial air, there is no real economic pulse, no jobs, and no real green shoots, in reality, we never recovered from 2008, and the same ways of operating in the financial markets are all too prevalent. If the markets were to fall by 90% in the space of two or three days, people would be left with nothing. Hyperinflation would set in, the supermarkets would have empty shelves, and all commodities would be out of reach for millions. Pensions would be rendered worthless, bank accounts would be frozen and the over inflated house prices would not amount to much when no one would be thinking in their wildest dreams of buying a house, first buy me and my family a meal. In America, the citizens are currently allowed to defend themselves with firearms, but in the U.K. citizens have been disarmed that is apart from the criminals. Lest we forget Obama’s ‘care’, something that was a smokescreen, a costly piddle in the dark that was never meant to materialise, and is a dead duck in the tepid waters of a doomed fiat currency. Try pay for your Obamacare when you have no food.

“This is why it is in the best interests for the West to let Putin take Ukraine, as he allowed the U.S. and U.K. to take Iraq, Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and Afghanistan for their natural resources/strategic positions. The West tried to take Syria with a full blown invasion in August 2013 but were thwarted by Labour’s Ed Miliband in parliament when he vetoed the vote to go to war. Because of him, Obama called off the invasion, and now the mess is even worse than it was then. Maybe Miliband is part of the plan, we will never know, but his actions alone enabled Russia to invade the Ukraine in March 2014.”

Missing Plane: Time to Plan Your Summer Holidays

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Now is the time to plan your summer holiday flights, but please don’t worry that your plane can disappear off the face of the earth without a trace.

Try to put that thought to the the back of your mind that a 777 airliner can be suddenly swallowed up by an unknown source, and become a missing plane statistic in a few seconds.

“I’ve booked my summer hols in the knowledge that our plane can disappear off the face of the earth without so much as a blip on a radar screen or a piece of debris. I can’t wait to enjoy the beaches, the restaurants and of course the 5 star hotel accommodations when the plane I’m in disappears,” Jedward Mulroons, from Belfast told ITV news.

Bossy Bitch Wants the Word ‘Bossy’ Banned

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A ‘chauvinist pig’ has complained that a bossy bitch wants to ban the word ‘bossy’ from the English language.

“You can’t ban words from the English language for your politically correct feminazi agenda? What’s next from these socialist feminazis?” the man said before being taken away in an unmarked grey van.

Experts: Why Noah Now?

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“The Christian story of Noah was purloined from the ancient Sumerians 2500 years before the Christian Bible was conceived by multiple writers. Evidence of this can be found in the eleventh tablet of the epic of Gilgamesh. Therefore as in all modern religions, these stories were simply amalgamated from Sumerian, Babylonian, Egyptian and Pagan knowledge into constructed tales for the masses as a form of control and unity in a time of turmoil during the final days of the Roman Empire. Without the constructed religions we have today, there would not be so much division in humanity throughout modern history, and to conquer the masses there must be division, so the herd can be controlled from all sides.

“One must look at Noah as a simple analogy, it just means that the herd must be culled once in awhile. As we are nearing such a time again, our true rulers will finally reveal themselves, and those who survive the cull will enter into a controlled scientific dictatorship from which they will not have any conscience of their past. History will have to be erased henceforth and populations carefully engineered so that the mess of human over population never occurs again as set forth in the Guidestones.

“Throughout history, the so-called churches have been infiltrated by those who profess their allegiance to the true light, and as high office is one element of this control, so will it be written that the set-up has been long awaited. Over the centuries, the masses have ignorantly worshipped their religions blindly and received guidance from their priests, if only they knew who was at the top of the pyramid, their ignorance would be awakened..ah, but even then they would not dare to believe with their open eyes.

“This is why the analogy of Noah is so pertinent in this time and people who go and see the Hollywoodized depiction, may one day understand what is to happen, alas it will be too late for them, as they will succumb to the ancient prophecy that was written thousands of years before the event. Those who are enlightened by the all seeing light will know what to do.

“In essence, one must reach across the universe for the truth about all knowledge, understanding and complete freedom. Those who are caught up in their limited world view, their constructed religions, and their minuscule lives will perish, for it is their greed, their abhorrence to truth, their blind devotion to fiction and their material love that will be their own undoing.

“The true Noah is a myth, a mirage, but there are varying arks and seed vaults today. They are ready now, and all necessary preparations have been made in other matters.”

Feinstein Spying On Herself

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“I was spying on myself, and I ordered the CIA to get me filed under Dangerous.  They even sent me reports on how I was behaving, what my favourite pizza topping is as well as a comprehensive tape of all my phone calls,” the senator told reporters outside the U.S. House of Representatives.

President of Kenya, Barraco Barner, was not surprised that Dianne Feinstein was spied on by herself, and even requested someone spies on him too.

“Hey I’m the head honcho, if we’re gonna spy on everyone, why should I be left out? I’m glad I’m part of the spying shit that’s going on.”