17.7 C
London
Saturday, November 7, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 472

Heathrow Third Runway Needed For Influx of ‘Child’ Migrants

0

 

Sadly for Mr and Mrs Petunia of Richmond, this will mean instead of hearing a 747 over your idyllic English garden every two minutes, it will be three times the air traffic every four seconds.

Due to the crocodile tears of the champagne swilling Jihadi talking Lily Allen, the Home Office will fly in millions of unaccompanied economic migrants who claim to be children, yet are clearly fully fledged adults seeking a life as pampered benefits recipients.

Little Mahmoud, age 8, who shaves and is a father of four in his hometown of Karachi, walked into France through the Schengen zone and was directed towards Britain. He and millions of others of his ilk will land at Heathrow’s third runway to live a life of Riley.

Lest we forget the education needs of these designated ‘children’, they have to be educated at primary school and will attend classes with other British children of the same (cough) age. One can imagine little Johnny and little Sarah sitting next to little Mahmoud in the classroom, even though he is 5’9″ and cannot fit on the little chairs. He may even be distracted by the young pert teacher as she bends over to pick up the blackboard chalk, or even worse.

These are the perils of living within a socialist country such as Britain, where logic is completely removed, and absolute fucking bonkers nonsense crazy things happen.

This is also why we need a third runway, let ’em all roll in.

US Election Latest: It’s Over For Trump

0

 

 

On November 9th there can only be one result, and the Daily Squib knew that from the beginning.

Sure, supporting such a headstrong divisive figure like Donald Trump was a risk many were willing to take as a ‘fuck you’ to the administration, however when you have a candidate that shoots themselves in the foot more than once, you gotta know something is wrong.

The true anti-establishment candidate for any election would definitely be a Ron Paul and son ticket, Trump is just a reality show chump who talks dirty and has the base logical skills within the political mine field of a chimp on tic tacs.

Don’t forget folks, election vote machines of course are easily altered and the mass of immigrants who can vote want a piece of Trump meat to put on their mantle piece after the election.

As for the female-centric ‘progressive’ vote, Hillary is pushing all the right buttons. This is the new age of women, where you have Merkel in Europe, May in Britain and soon Clinton in the most powerful nation in the world. We are firmly ensconced within a feminist world, ruled by women. All primary schools are ruled by women, all pop charts are now predominantly filled by women, 90% of commerce is geared solely to women, and every senior media position is filled and controlled by women. We are being taught, and ruled by the female sensibilities, and the age of the male has disappeared under a stiletto heel firmly crushing the male testicles of masculinity.

Who is to say how the female touch will affect Vladimir Putin, or some Middle Eastern despot? One could almost say the female is the deadlier of the species, and as much as guys like Vlad like to pose in macho photo shoots, having his balls crushed by Hillary Clinton could certainly bring him to heel.

The elite agenda at the moment is to push the female front. Everything female is okay, everything male is not. There is nothing anyone can do about these agendas and schemes apart from sit back and watch the show.

Globalism cannot be stopped, and someone like Trump is too big a threat to the agenda of women seen to be ruling, and the flooding of Western nations with millions of undesirables.

To create further destruction, women are the best conduit, for they come with smiling motherly faces, pleading gentility yet dealing out severity.

Whether it is civil war, mass social unrest, or all out war, these are all accepted symptoms to what is coming. The Controllers welcome it, and they will even encourage the outrage as the old systems, old traditions are slowly quashed, eventually erased completely. The shift from one system to another is not going to be painless, one cannot make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

The future is conflict, economic conflict, actual conflict and all the time the population are mesmerised by social media, and their little TV shows, they are more concerned by their Facebook pages than what is actually going on. By the time they realise, it will of course be too late.

Russia: When Satan Comes to Visit

0

 

The RS-28 Sarmat intercontinental ballistic missile, a new multi-warhead, super-heavy missile designed to defeat anti-missile systems will replace the RS-36, a family of ICBMs and space launch vehicles that entered service in the 1970s and 1980s, Sputnik news reported.

“You’re shit out of luck with this boyo. This is the next step in Russian aggression, so don’t fuck with us. The Sarmat is twinned with Project 4202, a hypersonic glider which, after separating from its ICBM launch vehicle, will be able to accelerate to speeds between Mach 7 and Mach 12, acting like a hypersonic cruise missile, and capable of manoeuvring to overcome any existing or prospective missile defence to reach its target,” Sputnik quoted a Russian Defence Ministry Official.

The missile will carry up to 10 heavy warheads, or 16 lighter ones, or a combination of warheads and countermeasures meant at overwhelming enemy missile defences.

Capable of destroying a land mass the size of France or Texas with a single detonation, this behemoth missile is also protected by stealth technology which shields it from any radar or early warning system.

“One minute you are there. Next minute, a white light and gone. You are dust in the wind. There will be no warning. Russians do not give warnings before attack. You could be anywhere, doing the cleaning, in the office, in the car, one second is all you will have. Voom! Gone, no chance of survival,” the Defence Ministry spokesman revealed.

Russia’s Voyevoda (NATO codename SS-18 Satan), an upgraded variant of the R-36, is now the most powerful missile of its class.   “Among the land, sea and air-based weapons on both sides of the Atlantic, there is nothing even close to reaching its combat capabilities.”

It’s nice to see our Russian friends are so mindful of world peace.

Brain Drain: 1.5 Million Germans Emigrate Due to Mass Migration and Reverse Integration

1

 

Germany has lost 1.5 million professional working Germans in the last decade mainly due to Angela Merkel’s policy of destructive migratory policies and insistence of reverse integration, where Germans are forced to adopt Islamic practices and Middle Eastern cultural norms.

Many Germans are moving to Hungary to get away from the unsafe conditions in their towns and cities, where the police have been ordered to hush up severe crimes like rape, sexual assaults, murder and violence committed by some sections of the migrants.

Where are the real Germans?

“When you have real German people leaving their homeland, this is a sad day for Germany. These are hard working people who benefit their nation’s economy and culture, but are being replaced by sub standard non-professional manual workers with no skills from the Middle East and Asia. We are seeing doctors, engineers, teachers, financiers, all leaving. They have rightly so had enough. This is solid proof that mass migration at this level of speed only creates destruction and benefits no one,” Hanz Fiegel, a former German councillor in Bavaria told news outlets on Friday.

According to Destatis, a German statistics agency, 138,000 professional Germans left Germany in 2015. More are expected to emigrate in 2016.

The deluge continues to come into Germany, and the exodus out also continues. This is a lose, lose situation for a once proud, economically strong country brought to its knees once again from poor leadership and economic suicide.

eu migrant

 

Members of Parliament Have Already Voted During the EU Referendum

0

 

Members of parliament throughout the breadth of the Commons and the Lords were fully instrumental in their viewpoints during the EU referendum. They were there on the streets canvassing, and they were there at the voting booths voting for their preference as were the rest of the nation.

To say that MPs should scupper Brexit now through the use of their own divisive voting agenda is tantamount to treason.

Hilary Benn, whose late father, was extremely anti-EU, is a disgrace to parliament and this country. He has no mandate to propose anything apart from sitting down on his little stool to continue that awful mewling sound that gravitates from his scrawny neck.

You can’t just continue having re-votes until you get the answer you want. That is not democracy, and the Remoaners who support the undemocratic EU obviously have no respect for British democracy or the voice of the people.

The PM should allow discussion, but there should be no vote, because there has already been one. The Houses of Parliament, the House of Lords, the army, the health service, the pen pushers in Whitehall have all already voiced their opinion on June 23 when they all voted during the EU referendum.

Something has to be done about this immediately.

8-Year-Old Unaccompanied Child Calais Migrant Says Thank You For Toys

1

 

One young child, speaking with a low voice said he was eight years old and had travelled all the way from Afghanistan to come to Britain so he could receive benefits, a flat and ‘plenty of English pussy’.

“I am only eight years old. Thank you for the toys. I play with them when I go primary school with other children of my age. I will drive to school in my BMW and leave one of my wife at home to cook for my three children, who will come later, thank you socialist peoples you are very generous.”

Amongst the 14 unaccompanied ‘children’ many over six feet tall, and with low baritone voices, was little Mohamed Abdullah, 10, from Peshawar, Pakistan.

“I am only ten years old. I need come Britain because you give free food, free money and free English women. I hear they do anything for you, just ask, and they do. Ooph, I’ve got blue balls. Haven’t had a shag in weeks. First thing I’ll be doing after primary school is visiting the local massage parlour for a good seeing to all paid for by the British taxpayer. I’ve also heard my primary school’s English teacher is a real looker, bet she’s never seen a ten year old like me before. Thank you for the toys, you stupid mugs, I’ll sell it on Ebay to a real child for profit. What a bunch of fuckin’ mugs, innit.”

Brexit any one?

After Many Years Britain Slowly Emerging Like an Abused Wife From a Terrible Marriage

1

 

Remainers are obviously masochists because they enjoy being abused, they enjoy being dictated to, and they enjoy paying 70% more for everything in the shops. They do not value sovereignty, freedom or the right to make our own laws.

Britain is slowly emerging from a period of creeping dictatorship and totalitarian EU rule spanning 40 years and coming into the light is hard for some people, they are used to their cosy prison, these remainers have no belief in Britain, they only believe in a Soviet EU construct where national borders are broken down completely and all national identity is lost.

Remainers do not believe in freedom, even though they do not want any borders, because their naive communist ideals do not realise the flood that will consume this country if the border is dropped. They do not realise that the NHS will not survive the deluge, or our schools, or our emergency services, our housing, benefits system, or our transport systems.

Slowly the curtains are being drawn, the sunlight of sovereign freedom hurts the eyes at first, but you will get used to it. The sun cleanses the soul, and global freedom for Britain to trade with who we want, not to be restricted by the EU protectionist closed shop, an uncompetitive racket serving only the interests of corrupt unelected EU officials.

If we have any sense of justice, we will completely eviscerate any form of treasonous attempts to thwart Brexit. After all, what has the EU ever done for Britain apart from imprison us in unjust laws and caused us untold grief economically through ridiculous punishing payments.

Remainers  want to deprive the sovereign of the Crown, they want to levy war against the sovereign “in order by force or constraint to compel her to change her measures or counsels, or in order to put any force or constraint upon or in order to intimidate or overawe both Houses or either House of Parliament”, and they want to “move or stir” foreigners to invade the United Kingdom or any other country belonging to the sovereign. Plain and simple, High Treason.

Embrace the light, let us move forwards to global heights and not be constrained to the narrow limited inhibitive torture of an EU prison. Break free from the shackles of EU totalitarian rule once and for all.

Britain deserves better than the corrupt restrictive shackles of the EU. Onwards..

Shami ‘Champagne’ Chakrabarti Unveils New Champagne Label

0

 

The mecca for champagne socialists everywhere, the Islington champagne socialist distillery will cater for the upwardly mobile socialists who pretend to care, but really don’t give a shit for the poor.

“Our champagne has a distinct taste fermented from the finest grapes imported from France, a particular region where champagne socialists thrive. Francois Hollande, we hear is a big fan, and whilst he sits in the Palais de l’Elysée he sips our champagne and talks about more socialist reforms and taxation,” Chakrabarti told left-wing Fabian rag, the New Statesman.

Besides sending her children to £45,000 per term private schools, Chakrabarti lives in a £3.8 million Georgian mansion replete with fine furniture and artefacts from all over the world.

“Shami Chakrabarti is the epitome of champagne socialism, but what is more troubling to many is how she persuaded someone to breed with her in the first place? She is now sending her brood to expensive private schools. The same children that some man I presume spawned with her. Who the fuck would even try such a thing? We are truly living in an insane world when some jumped up leftie feminist champagne socialist bitch, who frankly looks like an effete man can get knocked up,” a man at a bus stop outside Chakrabarti’s mansion said before six empty buses all turned up at the same time.

Trump Caught Talking Dirty to Farm Animal

1

 

 

The already controversial Donald Trump may have this time stepped too far even for most Americans.

In addition to talking about blatant abuse towards women, the Trumpster was this time caught talking dirty to a sheep at a Wyoming farm show during an impromptu election campaign stop.

The shocked farmer is still receiving counselling after the brief altercation.

“He came over and he saw Dolly. She’s my pride and joy. That’s when it got nasty.”

According to the former Republican voting farmer, presidential candidate Donald Trump could not keep his little fat hands off Dolly.

“Grab her by the ears!”

“His [Trump’s] eyes literally popped out of his head. He was in love. He said he wanted to take Dolly behind the presentation display board so he could slip his **** inside Dolly. She was so fluffy he kept drooling, he wanted to grab her by the ears. That’s when I grabbed Dolly and ran for what seemed like ages before I got her to safety.”

Dolly the sheep in happier days
Dolly the sheep in happier times

The farm show was immediately halted by organisers after the harrowing incident and Trump with his entourage escorted back to their tour buses.

American animal rights group PETA, and several celebrities are outraged at the mistreatment of Dolly and are calling for Trump’s arrest for animal cruelty.

Many animal lovers within the Republican party are now disavowing Trump, in addition to millions of women.

Upon hearing the news, Melania Trump, a former sex worker from Eastern Europe, said she was ‘shocked’ but accepted Trump’s behaviour because he ‘pays the bills’.

Angry Bank Robbers Come Away Empty Handed After Deutsche Bank Raid

0

 

 

Herman Liepzig and his crew of four bank robbers were left fuming on Monday morning when they raided the Hamburg branch of Deutsche Bank.

“It was going to be a regular heist. First thing Monday morning. We crashed into the bank and told the cashier to open the vault. There was little or no resistance as the lady just handed over the key and told us to go for it. This bank we know has millions, so we opened the vault, and we only found a few euros. I felt so angry as we had been staking this joint out for weeks. All in all we got away with six euros and forty three cents,” a tearful Leipzig told German news channel ZDF.

The disappointed robbers were so shocked at the empty bank that they even lent the cashier twenty euros so she could get some food, as she had not had her wages paid for weeks.

“We lent her some money, she was hungry and on the verge of starvation. I can’t believe they treat their employees so badly,” another bank robber revealed.

The clueless bank robbers vow to prepare their next heist with more intricate planning and this may entail reading the news.

“We didn’t read the news, we just concentrated on the technical details. All we had to do was read the news about Deutsche Bank and we would not have hit it. I’m sure my local launderette has more money than that bank. Absolute disgrace,” Liepzig added from his hideout.

The Hamburg police have said they will not be pursuing the robbers but the CCTV footage was received with great laughter at the station.

Hans Gruber, Chief of Police said: “When they opened the vault and saw nothing there, it was something out of a comedy show. We Germans do not have a sense of humour but we laughed our fucking faces off at that one. It was like the Keystone robbers, they were running around like headless chickens opening empty boxes.”