17.7 C
London
Wednesday, July 15, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 358

Lights Out!

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Lights Out!

Some very powerful people are sighing in abject relief after a certain guy called Jeffrey Epstein, has wound up dead in his jail cell.

“Nah! You don’t say, Epstein is dead? Nah, I don’t believe it,” one man said in disbelief sarcastically.

Naturally, the people who benefit from this erasure, are now thanking their lucky stars because they could have been in some serious shit.

Prince Andrew, decided on a slap-up meal at some restaurant in Woking of all places on the news of the deletion, as Bill Clinton and other protected individuals celebrated as well.

Mysterious

The fact that it would have been “impossible” for someone to take their own life in the units Epstein was staying in is neither here nor there.

Between the floor and the ceiling is a distance of eight or nine feet. There’s no way for anyone to connect to anything, and a steel frame bed fixed to the floor, with no light fixture and no bars.

Inmates are given paper-like sheets and rubber pens, so they don’t have access to anything sharp.

According to reports, the unit was mysteriously put on lock down just before Epstein’s death, with no access for lawyers or anyone. Security cameras were also conveniently switched off.

A clean job, and hopefully all will be dusted under the carpet soon. Forget about it, nothing to see here folks..move along now..

Experts: How the Obstinate EU Shot Itself In the Foot

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Experts: How the Obstinate EU Shot Itself In the Foot

The obstinate European Union will pay a heavy price for their terrible treatment of Britain, and they know it, yet still are not backing down from their calamitous stance of not taking away the backstop which makes a deal impossible.

“By refusing to take away the backstop which has been voted down three times by parliament, the European Union has effectively signed their own death warrant. With the ‘yes person’ Theresa May, the EU created a deal which benefited them solely at the expense of the UK, but their ruse of pushing that un-democratic deal through the UK parliament failed miserably, and their lackey, Theresa May was eventually ousted.

“Boris Johnson, the incoming Brexiteer PM, tried to engage with the European Union, and encouraged the EU to take away the back-stop which would keep the UK in the EU indefinitely. In all circumstances, the British PM was flatly refused by an obstinate EU who were not willing to renegotiate a terrible deal not worth the paper it was written on.

“The only path forward, because of the EU’s obstinacy was therefore to prepare for a Clean Brexit, otherwise labelled as a No Deal by the Remoaners, who have been trying to thwart Brexit at every opportunity even resorting to dirty parliamentary tricks to stop the democratic vote to leave the EU.

“Less than a year ago British officials under the tenure of Theresa May were bending over backwards to please the EU, even planning to accept all EU laws written into the UK’s and pay £39 billion for the privilege, as well as accepting an awful deal with a back-stop which would imprison the UK permanently with EU regulations for eternity. Thankfully, things changed and now Boris Johnson is calling the EU’s bluff, as they continually refuse any renegotiation.

“The onus has always been with the EU, yet they threaten embargoes, they threaten our fishermen, they threaten our ports, and all sorts of nasty vindictive tricks, all because Britain voted to leave the EU in the largest ever democratic vote in British history, on June 23, 2016.

“The despicable attitude of superiority and denigration of British rights is testament to an EU state which has a vast democratic deficit, and is a totalitarian sovietized entity that does not value individual freedom, only valuing collectivist pseudo-Marxist ideology, amongst a protectionist over-regulated communo-fascist regime.

“Britain will have a right to leave by law on October 31, and it will do so without paying the £39 billion ransom money. There will be nothing the EU can do about it, and they may drag things through kangaroo courts, but the UK will have the upper hand, and it will vigorously fight all the barricades put up by the vindictive nasty EU, a bunch of sore losers, who kick their feet wildly having tantrums, because their expense accounts are threatened. The EU unelected Commission are on an obscene gravy train to eventual destruction from within if they do not eventually change direction.

jean monnet eu quote

“Britain has seen the warning signs, we have lived through two world wars, we have seen the signatures that highlight the EU’s totalitarian communistic direction, with the push for an EU Army, and closer forced integration where member nations will lose complete control of their own destinies, and economies. The EU is a restrictive entity that is building up to be an Empire that Adolf Hitler would have been proud of, however all empires have to constantly expand to survive, and this is why the EU is a threat to world peace. The EU will continue to expand east, and will eventually clash with the Russian bordering countries, causing conflict once again within Western Europe. The EU has formulated itself first as an economic conqueror, bullying smaller nations with its economic might, and now seeks to formulate an EU Army where nations will be press-ganged into submitting their youth as cannon fodder to be foisted on the front lines of future conflicts. Where the Third Reich formulated itself first militarily, the EU formulated itself first economically, and then brought in the EU Army through stealthy methods. The EU is therefore basically the Third Reich backwards and is a serious danger to world peace. History has seen the signs, and the augurs do not bode well for this massive mega-soviet-entity that needs to expand constantly or die.

“Naturally, those who know history and have seen the signals blaring brightly, will hope the EU dies, and implodes from within. This is the only hope for global peace, and nations can continue to govern themselves in peace once again without this EU cancerous tumour polluting the atmosphere.”

Advice for Photographers On How to Make Your Stock Photos Sell

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Advice for Photographers On How to Make Your Stock Photos Sell

The stock photography market has been enjoying continuous and stable growth within the last few years, as we witness in the case of the Depositphotos library, which has expanded to over 100 million files.

Every photographer naturally seeks to make their work noticeable and unique within this creative mêlée. There are many variables to consider when starting out, some of which may involve the formation of a style and its compliance with requirements of the platform one is going to place the work.

What sort of material is in demand now? How to form a list of products photographers can sell? How to get some position in the market of stock photos? What to do to become part of the Depositphotos project? Here is some advice and some additional ideas on how to attain success within this field.

Determine trends and stay trendy

First, explore what topics are in demand and try to follow the most current trends. There are a variety of resources like the special press editions within magazines and tabloids, art and advertisement exhibitions, fashion events, special meetings, as well as workshops.

Depositphotos also offers special projects like the one devoted to visual trends in 2019. If one is established as an artist try to choose a unique idea or stylistic feature and explore this direction. This way, you can practice, fine-tuning your craft, which would place your images in higher positions in the stock photography market.

Optimization makes things working

Some optimization should be applied to one’s work to make it more visible for stock photography platform algorithms. Application of these basic skills will help you reach the first pages of search results. Depositphotos details some guidelines on the optimization of an image, and here are three universal steps to be completed for optimization of photos for stock photography platforms:

1. Optimization of the file name.

For example, rename “IMG_3241” into “Happy boy with a ball.” Clarity is the key to get a successful description of an image. Also, apply some habitual and recognizable keywords to help clients easily find you.

2. Use tags and the caption.

Filling in these fields, you can try to bring some emotional note to direct description and make the image easier to index. If the boy in the image is standing under summer rain and smiling with happiness, don’t miss these words.

3. Describe the image with different words.

Things don’t have any uniformed meaning for people; they tend to think differently. So, don’t avoid some epithets, like sweet, funny, beautiful, shining.

Special tip:

Visit Depositphotos homepage and look for similarities with your images and topics like examples of modern glamour through the eyes of photographers. You just have to look at several images to get an idea on how the contributors apply these three tips. Again, pay attention to recognizable keywords in descriptions, tags, and captions, and how this helps them in getting higher positions.

Find a niche

Globalization brings us a huge abundance of options possible. But there is no limit to human demands, and some writers, like Chris Anderson in his Long Tail theory are quite optimistic about the perspectives of the global market, claiming that there is a place and demand for every niche subject.

What is more profitable – to follow trends or to keep working at the same thing continuously. According to Chris Anderson, popularity is not the only source of profit, unique and unexplored topics are valued as well on the Internet. So, find a niche for your genius and work hard to put there as much quality images as possible.

Meet the requirements and aim for quality of content

Each platform usually has some outlines and regulations for image size as well as resolution. It is necessary to remember some classical rules of composition such as the Golden Ratio. Lighting and contrast are also a necessary factor with your images. The more professional the images look, the more chance they have to get the top of the search.

To understand the requirements of the market, take Depositphotos’ guidelines as an example:

JPEG format file;
with a resolution minimum of 3.4 MP (2400 × 1600);
the file must not exceed 50 MB;
the file must be attributed in English.
More about how to become an author of Depositphotos and upload photos there, you can find out on the FAQ page. Also, A Beginner’s Guide To Selling Your Photography On Depositphotos will assist you a lot.

Follow variety and authenticity

Our world is multicultural, so your work should present some diversity. Look for a variety of people, characters, natural sceneries, styles, and seasons. This will help you to express the diverse world more freely. You will find and develop your unique style, and start taking brilliant stock photos in time.

Creative ideas are limitless, so do not worry about the multitude of ways you can present your images. Just follow the things you like and love. Don’t think too much about your probable sales; emphasize your inspiration on sincere expression. Remember to create a story, a conversation, and make your images authentic and unique.

Remember to address the multitude of variables while making stock photos. Stay trendy, follow the outlines on optimization, find your niche, explore the guidelines, and aim for uniqueness. These simple tips will take time and effort to implement, but once you develop a strong portfolio of images, it will bring you success.

How to Beat the Casino Without Cheating

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
How to Beat the Casino Without Cheating

Have you ever heard of stories of people getting kicked out from casinos because of their behaviour or because they were trying to cheat the casino?

Well the truth is casinos don’t like to lose money. They are willing to give away a big chunk of their winnings to lucky players but when it comes to their profit they are making sure to safeguard it. They won’t let people take advantage of games loopholes and loose some of their profit because of that.

What does this mean?

You have probably heard of the MIT blackjack team and their card counting abilities. These guys have managed to create a whole network of players, going around casinos and taking a lot of money home every day for a few years until they finally got caught.

But today things are not so easy. Land-based and online casinos have measures in place to make sure that professional players can’t cheat them or take advantage of some games.
However, there are still some things you can do as a player to maximize your chances of making a profit and minimize the casino house edge.

Here are some of them

·1 Decide your bankroll and stick to it – Set up a Loss Limit
Whether your budget is £100 or £1000 make sure you walk out when you hit that. You don’t want or need to spend more. Chasing loses will benefit the casino long-term as you will end up losing more.

·2 Play games with high RTP ( Return to Player)
Some casino games have high RTPs and these are the games you should be sticking with. For example if you play blackjack online at bet365 live casino and follow a basic strategy, the casino house edge is down to just 0.5%. Which means more chances for you to make profit if you are also lucky.

·3 Have a Profit target
Just like the bankroll limit, you will need to have a profit limit as well. Casinos are making money in the long run from players. A Player might be lucky enough for the first hour of play and hit a few roulette numbers, or amazing blackjack cards. But as you continue playing the house edge factor comes into the equation.

This is why you need profit limits. If you have a profit limit of £100 and you hit that within the first 15 mins of play, great! Take the money and run and come back another time for some more.

Global Warming: Farting Kenyan Councillor Arrested For Excessive Methane Emissions

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Global Warming: Farting Kenyan Councillor Arrested For Excessive Methane Emissions

A heated debate about market stalls was disrupted by a foul fart smell and furious finger-pointing at a Kenyan regional assembly on Friday, resulting in the arrest of one of the council members.

“Honourable Speaker, one of us has polluted the air and I know who it is,” Kinuka Mkundu reportedly told the Homo Bay county assembly.

But the member he accused of the fart is said to have replied:

“I am not the one. I cannot do such a thing in front of my colleagues. He who smelled it — dealt it!”

Hoping to clear the air, the assembly’s Speaker Kinuka Uchi then instructed members to step outside and take a break from the fart infused chamber.

Beans

The offending anus was soon discovered, and the official detained under Kenyan regulations that limit global methane emissions under fart ordinance 6523b, enacted in March 2018.

The debate was allowed to continue after the conference room was sprayed with air fresheners and the offending councillor removed and detained until a court hearing in September.

Global methane emissions from farting are a serious threat to the earth’s atmosphere, and if not reduced will cause a mass extinction of all life on earth, is what climate activist, Al Gore has stipulated.

Bishop Proposes Working Brothel to Entice People into Cathedral

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Bishop Proposes Working Brothel to Entice People into Cathedral

It’s no use having fairground attractions, and crazy golf in cathedrals to entice people to be somehow interested in the dying embers of Christianity, the Bishop of Bath and Wells, Pumpy Babyeater, has revealed.

“What people really want is brothels. People are sick and tired of all these petty attractions like crazy golf courses, no, what they really want is a good fuck,” the Bishop told a cathedral meeting on Friday.

If the Bishop’s plans were put in place, there would be literally queues around cathedrals all across the country, as all tastes would be catered for.

“No doubt, Jesus would have approved, simply because one of his best friend’s was Mary of Magdalene, a sinful woman who prostituted her body from the Sea of Galilee to Egypt,” the Bishop quipped.

What about charges, would cathedral visitors have to pay for the services of the Christian brothels?

Bachanal - Nicolas Poussin

“There would be no money passing hands to our Christian brothel workers, they will be doing their duty in the name of Christ and the church. In fact many of the priests, and nuns, ahem, did I say that, I meant brothel workers will be doing the Lords work knowing full well they will be rewarded in the Kingdom of Heaven by God, once they shuffle the mortal coil, so to speak.”

From now on, there will be severe interest in cathedrals and other places of Christian worship, and the sounds that will emanate from these places will not be of the hymn kind, but the grunting and orgasmic kind.

One could certainly postulate that the devil won through in the end, it took some time, but he always comes through.

October 31: Quite Right to Stop the Commies Knocking On the Queen’s Door

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
October 31: Quite Right to Stop the Commies Knocking On the Queen’s Door

Her Majesty the Queen, who should in all honesty be left alone to enjoy her holiday in Balmoral without this Brexit drama, is somehow being dredged up by remainers who are threatening to thwart Brexit by marching upon Her Majesty’s palace to demand the resignation of the Prime Minister.

Who will the Queen listen to, the Marxist Labour Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell smashing his fat Soviet fist on her door demanding that Britain denies the people their democratically won vote to leave the EU, or a perfectly mandated Prime Minister simply respecting the vote of the people, and acting on the nation’s interests to leave the EU to forge our own way globally?

The Queen is of course a known Brexiteer, however this is kept well behind closed doors because of the royal prerogative to not be politically active and neutral.

We must respect the Queen’s status and solve these problems without causing her undue lack of diligence.

The remain faction have no respect for democracy or the vote of the people, and are a serious danger to the democratic values of the United Kingdom. In this respect, their staunch opposition to the mantle of democracy is a direct threat to national security, because they are proposing a system of totalitarian EU tyranny ruled by communists, not democracy.

The Pound Will Soar as Britain Breaks Away From EU Prison

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
The Pound Will Soar as Britain Breaks Away From EU Prison

Much like a Supermarine Spitfire firing up its Merlin engine, the Great British Pound has been oversold by the negative EU cash masters, but it will soon soar above the clouds of EU misfortune and its curses of unjust servitude.

Above the clouds, above the stratosphere, the positive force of the British Pound compounded by its newly found freedom which will bring Britain great riches, and will no doubt be a safe haven currency to rival the US greenback. Our word will be our bond, as the GBP will be a silver bound guarantor of safety amongst the morass of dud currencies floating in the sea of inequity.

If you are not in the GBP now, do not be a fool, fill your boots, because the rise will be a force to be reckoned with, and the banking institutions know it.

The positive force of the British economy will rise to immense heights.

There is a positivity building up right now as Britain gears up to free itself from a European Union intent on corrupt practices bereft of democracy and justice. Britain is apart from the EU, it is a fleeting spirit that holds ideals and democratic values superseding those of slavery under EU totalitarian rule.

Do not listen to the doomsayers, because these are people funded by the EU, these are corrupt officials who are part of ‘Project Fear’. Do not listen to them, they are negative elements in a soup of ineptitude and pestilence.

Gorbachev eu soviet

We must remember the spirit of conquest that Britain has fought for through two world wars, and the many men and women who fought and died for our freedom and democracy. The EU does not value any of that, they do not value freedom or democracy, because their system is one that takes away democratic rights, and is totalitarian and authoritarian resembling a Soviet system in the heart of Western Europe.

The Great British Pound will soar soon, and all traders, unless you have a position right now at these low levels you will lose out, Cable is impossibly oversold. There is no way but up, and Britain gaining its freedom on October 31 will ensure a massive jump upwards. Rest assured, the GBP will soar beyond levels seen in any currency within the last few years, but first there will be a period of upheaval as institutions tied with the EU tamper with the price negatively.

 

Clean Brexit Should Make Britain Economic Haven Away From Restrictive EU

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Clean Brexit Should Make Britain Economic Haven Away From Restrictive EU

Economically, Britain could capitalise on a Clean Brexit, not only keeping the £39 billion which would have been thrown away into the EU black hole, but by lowering corporation taxes, and enticing new business into the UK.

Britain would lower taxes across the border bringing in business from all over the globe, and increase the status of the UK as an economic haven apart from a restrictive EU which punishes innovation and entrepreneurship. Free ports across the country, especially in the north will bring thousands of jobs to the UK, as well as bolster free trade across Britain from across the globe.

Farmers would gain subsidies from the UK government to replace EU money, as would universities and other institutions that rely on EU bribery money to garner support.

The NHS already set for an influx of funds, will have further increases in funding to build more hospitals and equipment.

Battle of the Nile

The fishing business will get exclusive rights to British waters, and protected by an increased navy presence to ward off the violent EU fishermen threatening to cause trouble.

Britain’s borders would be secured, and a new system implemented to ensure that people coming into the country are of value to the economy, much like an Australian points system.

The rich across the EU will be enticed to invest in the UK, where property will be the impetus for immense riches, as well as businesses. Low UK taxes will make Britain a billionaire paradise.

Lord Horatio Nelson
Lord Horatio Nelson

The City, always a hub from around the globe for investment and movement of money will benefit by trillions of pounds as it finally reaches its zenith in growth and power. The UK banking sector will be the leader of the globe’s cash, excelling over New York because of the UK’s low tax status.

With all the increase in investment in all sectors, the Ministry of Defence will get a much needed priority spike in cash, making the budget soar to record levels. Defence of the UK will be a major priority in the years to come as threats from the continent continue to rise.

Clean Brexit

It is imperative that the UK leaves with a Clean Brexit because this is the only way Britain will benefit in the long run. There will be a momentary brief time of adjustment, as there is with any major change, however people must think of the long term, of the new trading deals from across the globe that will bring much rich takings for the UK. These trade deals were previously forbidden by the restrictive EU, but now the UK will reap serious rewards for its patience and forthright persistence.

We will have a positive Britain, one that moves forward economically, forging its own path as it opens up paths around the globe. We will have a sovereign parliament that is not enslaved by the EU, and will be able to formulate its own laws to benefit its own citizens and business. We will have a further devolved parliament for Scotland and Northern Ireland, where they will also reap the economic benefits that the whole United Kingdom will gain.

The positive Bank of England will increase its outlook of Britain’s economy as it grows exponentially as a global hub of innovation and low taxation.

Britain, unleashed from the morose prison of the EU will once again rise above the waves, and the sails of fortitude and positivity will bring forth the Great in Britain once again, as Britannia rules the waves once again.

We must not forget what Britain stands for, its past illustrious history must be celebrated with a future of freedom and not servitude to foreign powers intent on hurting the UK. Break free from the chains which have held us back for forty long years under the rule of others who use us solely as a cash cow to throw in their unlimited expense accounts for unelected officials who view Britain with nothing but disdain. Fuck them.

Mass Shooting is Part of Being an American

Dwight Fulcrum
-
0
Mass Shooting is Part of Being an American

What would America be without its guns? How come in Switzerland, there is a large population of gun owners yet no weekly massacres?

“This is not about guns, it is about American society, and how Americans need to have guns to merely feel alive, without their weapons they see themselves as nothing,” one analyst revealed.

It seems Americans need to feel that they are constantly under threat, and the only way they feel safe under constant threat is to own an arsenal of guns, therefore life for an American is a constant struggle with their own paranoia. The internet is an expression of America and its people simply because Americans are the loudest people in the world. Anything that happens to an American has to be broadcast across the internet, on YouTube or Facebook and it has to be done in the loudest and most obnoxious fashion.

It is this incessant loudness that exemplifies everything vulgar about America, including their desire to express themselves with mass shootings, wars and constant proclamations about how great they are. All the major internet companies are American, and they supersede every other national voice on the internet, bringing a forced superiority to any form of internet expression.

All media is American forced upon the global population from Netflix to Hollywood, constantly churning out American points of view whether anyone likes it or not. All major celebrities are American, and supersede any other celebrity from other nations. The majority of computer games are created by Americans and fulfil their role in extending the American point of view across the globe as much as any other medium.

This incessant insidious poison of Americanism fuels more hatred across the globe than any known machine in the known human multiverse.

“American mass shootings are a valuable by-product of American culture, they are brief emotional outbursts of bullets telling the population that the shooter is an American and proud of their status. To shoot dozens of innocent Americans is for an American a handshake of friendship beyond any other form known to man, it is the ultimate compliment as an American to be greeted with an AK 47 bullet in the cranium. You have now joined the hallowed halls of America’s finest,” another analyst revealed.

American culture is built upon brutality, the hardest and shallowest, worst form of cultural suicide, where the American hero walks across and over the bones of the millions of natives his ancestors murdered. This spicy American life, a moment in historical genocide, tempered with slavery, greed and power is the ultimate moment of Americana, a rifle held up high over the dead bodies of American enemies.

You are the bad guy, you are American, and you know it deep in your heart, but you talk the talk, loud and louder, loudest. The sheer volume and intensity of the American makes everything valid as the other nations can only sit and watch quietly from afar.

One day, the loud American may become silent. This may be a very dangerous moment in earth’s history.

1...357358359...823Page 358 of 823
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH