17.7 C
London
Friday, July 10, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 252

Summer Heatwave Brings Out the Animals

0

Usually the British summer weather is a deluge of wonderful rain, grey, miserable cold, but we are in the midst of a heatwave in relation to the type of weather we usually receive. For Britons, anything above 14c is a heatwave, so when it gets to 31c people start going fucking insane. This is when the animals come out to play.

Yesterday was such a day, temperatures not only reached way above 31c in some places, but tempers started to flare as well. The unusual heatwave saw incidents boil over, especially across the capital city, with violent incidents kicking off, road rage in melting traffic jams and punches thrown all over the fucking place.

Bottled

“There’s something about the heat, innit? Makes peeps chimp out! Me and my crew were just chillin’ sniffing balloons in the Greenwich sunshine when it all kicked off!” one geezer revealed.

Bar Stooled

One would think going to a Z-list slapper’s birthday party would be a bad enough insult to one’s sensibilities or dignity, when you would be 100% wrong. Someone called Jesy Nelson, hosted a really classy event where groups of savage animals smacked bar stools over heads and whooped around making grunting noises whilst dragging their knuckles along the floor. The heat by this time was over 34c, and the booze and cheap drugs were obviously adding to the tragedy of the brain-dead congregating.

Lewis Hamiltoned

The violent insolent brutish behaviour did not end there either. Black Lives Matter advocate and race warrior, Lewis Hamilton ‘won’ the Grand Prix race at Silverstone by deliberately smashing his car into his rival, Max Verstappen, sending the ‘deserving white man’ to hospital. Whilst taking the podium on his poor-spirited cowardly ‘win’, Hamilton whooped with delight as Verstappen lay in a hospital bed.

Please bring back the shit British summer weather, so things can go back to normal.

Cosby Held Rohypnol Party to Celebrate Prison Release

0

As soon as Bill Cosby was released from prison, he hastily arranged an alleged Rohypnol party to celebrate his release, one of his helpers reveals.

“My job was to arrange some girls to come around, telling them they were going to meet the world-famous Bill Cosby and there was nothing to worry about. Bill said he would sort the drinks out but ordered me to buy five boxes of Rohypnol beforehand,” the man revealed.

Cosby then came into the room carrying many drinks on a tray, and invited all the young women to drink up.

“While they were all drinking up the free booze, Cosby was licking his lips, smacking away like a deranged hippo. He then came up to me and told me it was my time to get lost. He handed me a bundle of cash. Just as I was leaving, I kept hearing thuds on the floor. That’s when it hit me, I now knew what was going on for sure. Then I heard Bill say ‘I been dreaming about this every night in jail, c’mon honey, go to sleep, aaaaaaah!’ and that’s the last thing I heard before retiring to my quarters,” the helper revealed.

It looks like Cosby got away with it again, and again, and again.

“The next day, I asked if everything was okay? What about the girls and his wife? He told me his wife was clueless, and only hung around for the money. As for the girls, they were put in taxis and sent home. They did not remember a thing. They just walked a little funny, that’s all.”

It’s a good thing the American justice system is as corrupt as it is.

Freedom Day: There is Nothing to See Here Folks

0

“On this momentous day — Freedom Day, I speak to you from self-isolation because for the third time this month I have contracted COVID-19,” the Health Secretary, Sajid Javid told reporters via Zoom.

Amidst a raging global viral pandemic, some form of normalcy is craved, not only by the ordinary masses but by some members of the cabinet.

“The scientists say no, so we say yes. Okay, people will die, but they’ve been dying for centuries. It’s a fact of life, is it not?” Javid explains, coughing profusely.

 

Kompromat on Trump May Be Real – Leaked FSB Report

0

Those wonderful investigative reporters at the Guardian may have come up with a real smacker, confirming that Putin played not only the entire United States, but Trump, like some kind of deranged video game for an entire presidential term. Putin, the Grandmaster, an expert manipulator and strategist, helped to install the “mentally unstable” Trump into office in 2016.

Whether the leaked Kremlin documents are real or not, even having been verified as real by ‘experts’, there is still a certain uneasy feeling to the document.

The report was compiled by Vladimir Symonenko, the senior official in charge of the Kremlin’s expert department – which provides Putin with analytical material and reports, some of them based on foreign intelligence.

Essentially, the Russian Modus Operandi at all times is destabilisation of nations they feel threaten their International hegemony, and of course the United States is at the top of the list for ‘demoralisation’ operations. Causing discord, chaos and demoralising nations is not a new thing, and this shit has been going on against the USA since the Soviet Cold War era.

These days, the Russian FSB has an entire army of hackers at its disposal, as well as agents embedded deep in American institutions of power. Kompromat was certainly obtained on Mr Trump when he visited Moscow numerous times before his election, and once he was installed as president, the Russians made sure they sent him the dossier, or hinted to him they had all the information.

In 2016, there was also a conveniently leaked file compiled by a former MI6 operative for the Hillary Clinton campaign, which included such colourful events like Trump enjoying ‘golden showers’ from Russian prostitutes on one of his Moscow visits. The report was summarily dismissed as being a fabrication, but after this latest Russian FSB leak, was it?

As for the recent leak of documents, was this on purpose? Maybe, a further destabilisation effort is in progress. The Russians and the highly secretive FSB do not leak stuff this easily, unless there is some kind of reward in it for them. If there is a mole somewhere in the FSB, he will no doubt be flushed out soon.

Whatever is happening right now in Putin’s exercise on destabilising the USA, it seems it was a win-win situation, either Trump or Biden are key candidates for demoralisation. Biden has already lost Afghanistan, and is a weak bumbling idiot with a Swiss cheese brain with a huge file of corruption involving Ukraine/China. Trump made the socialist Americans go clinically insane during his tenure, in which they even rigged the election to get rid of him.

All’s well that ends well…

 

Giggling Penalty Losers Laugh at Racist England Fans on Private Jet

0

Life has a funny way of kicking in you in the nads even after you’ve had a decent kicking anyway. Yep, you can always go lower than you already are, and the sight of the two penalty losers laughing and joking on a private jet decked out with champagne and gourmet food, will certainly chafe some people up the wrong way.

“It’s sickening to see these two losers funning it up on a private jet celebrating losing the penalties for England. Not only are they fucking losers, but they are using up carbon emissions, polluting the planet to celebrate losing penalties. Imagine how many school meals that private jet flight cost could have paid for?” one angry Twitter user revealed.

Another apoplectic fan was inconsolable: “Look at them grinning like Cheshire cats that got the cream. Lucky for them, they weren’t Colombian players, or they would have received the necessary justice.”

On the flight, the two openly boasted about the amount of “white pussy” they were about to take care of once they landed.

Tucking into a four-course gourmet meal and champagne, there was no sign of even an ounce of remorse from the pair.

“You know, Black Lives Matter, who is to say those penalties were not missed on purpose? England can go to hell, racist bastards! Payback comes in many forms, suckers!” one guy on the plane uttered.

Cleaned up at the bookies?

England Fan Filmed Snorting Cocaine Then Sticking a Flare Up His Arse Honoured at Madame Tussauds

0

An England fan videoed sticking a flare up his own arsehole and snorting cocaine before entering Wembley without a ticket last night proudly boasted ‘I’m not sorry, and I’d do it again tomorrow’.

Tradesman’s entrance

The England super fan will be honoured with a permanent exhibition at Madame Tussauds wax work museum to commemorate the courage and good behaviour of England fans during the Euro 2020 football tournament.

Jack Tokes, 22, a roofer from Essex, is said to have claimed he drank 43 cans of cheap cider and ‘banged a load of powder’ – slang for snorting cocaine – during a 15-hour bender on Sunday, when England took on Italy in the Euro 2020 final.

Director of the London-based wax work museum was so enamoured by videos posted all over the internet of Mr Tokes shoving a red live flare up his anus in public that he immediately brought the England fan into the museum’s studios to re-create the momentous moment.

“Visitors at Tussauds will see an exact wax representation of Jack Tokes sticking a flare up his arse whilst standing upright on his arms in a hand-stand position when they walk right through the doors of our London museum. We have even gone to the effort of making the red flare smoke gently, a red smoke, with audible sounds of other England fans whooping with excitement piped through speakers around the fantastic exhibit,” the director of Madame Tussauds, Mr. Conard Rumple, told the Evening Standard.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan was also wonderfully touched by the England fan’s enthusiasm, and is now putting through an order for the fan’s statue to be put on a plinth in Trafalgar Square.

The Italians have the Uffizi, La Scala, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, but that is all now solidly beaten by the wonderful depiction of an England football fan with a red flare lodged firmly up his anus.

Opening Up Britain Could Reduce Long Term Government Social Care Costs

0

The British government spends trillions of pounds on social care costs per annum, and as Covid infections and deaths are doubling every 9 days, with an exponential increase trajectory, ‘Freedom Day’ will be the catalyst for more increases in infections/hospitalisations and deaths.

The Euro 2020 tournament was a great example of mass infectious spread of the multiple Covid variants. Not one person was seen wearing a mask during the celebrations and riots in the streets, the pubs or the stadiums.

Freedom Day, will mean a further opening up of the country, a much-needed sigh of relief for many who just don’t fucking care any more. People are so fatigued by all the rules, they do not care if they get infected, or they infect others.

In Holland, they declared Freedom Day three weeks ago, and since then the R number has shot up above 6. Last week, the Netherlands reported more than 10,000 new cases – an 800 per cent increase compared to the previous week.

After a huge surge in hospitalisations and deaths, Dutch caretaker prime minister, Mark Rutte, was forced to apologise to his country. “An error of judgment was made, we are sorry about that,” he told reporters in The Hague.

Naturally, it’s back to the survival of the fittest again, and vulnerable people will be whittled down when the virus eventually gets to them. People with disabilities, and other health problems who are viewed as a burden on society not only in cost but resources, will sadly perish, even if they have had their vaccines, because the Delta variant bypasses the vaccine.

This is good news in the long term for government number crunchers though because it will mean the social care costs will diminish, vastly reducing the burden on the Treasury and of course the taxpayer.

“It’s a win-win situation for the heavy burden of the social care cost. The vulnerable, those with co-existing medical conditions, disabilities and the elderly who are a huge burden on society, not only economically but with our limited resources, will be gently wiped off the face of the earth. We can only hope for the purge to also affect the prison populations. It costs on average £45,000 per prisoner per annum, and for people with disabilities, it costs the government over £150,000 per annum to look after each individual. These costs all add up to a massive, burdensome cost for UK PLC. Imagine those funds being redirected to better use,” one Whitehall accountant revealed.

As the nightclubs, pubs and other crowded indoor spaces open, hospitalisations could range between 1,300 to 4,800 a day, and deaths could increase to over 1000 per day.

That’s definitely more good news for the number crunchers and economists who look at the long picture, because in the long term, those deaths will mean less financial and administrative burden falls on the government and society in the future.

Are You Looking Forward to a Woke Dystopian Future Dictatorship?

0

The future looks so great, you have to wear shades, shades so dark that you can’t see anything out of them. This is why the Woke dictatorship of the future will make anything Orwell dreamed up look like a picnic party on the dales.

The future will be Woke because no one is even trying to stop the creeps creeping into every facet of human life and culture. No government is standing up to Big Tech, or the conglomerate companies adopting Woke attitudes of cultural Marxism upon the population.

What will the future Woke Dictatorship look like?

Much of history will either be erased, or rewritten to suit Woke Marxist ideology. Libraries will not exist with real books because anything printed is not digital and cannot be changed by Woke censors, therefore they will be deemed subversive and summarily destroyed — incinerated.

Linguistically, all language will be poorer as Woke censors whittle down entire dictionaries of words labelled as counter-productive to Woke Marxist ideology. Picture Orwell’s Ministry of Truth, but a thousand times worse.

Anyone caught reading a book will be arrested and detained as a terrorist of the state.

Children in households will only be taught Eco/trans/lgbtqp/anti-male feminist/race Woke ideology from 6 months on, and will be rewarded by the state if they report anyone, including their own parents or siblings, for flouting any form of Woke puritanical law.

wokis woke dictatorship gulag

The term ‘Hate Speech’ will be used daily to arrest and incarcerate anyone that the state pleases to arrest, and definitions for ‘Hate Speech’ will change weekly, so for one week, one term may be legal to use, but the next, if anyone uses that word or term, they will be arrested, never to be seen again.

Fact-checkers appointed by the Woke state will have an all encompassing power to have any form of information altered and changed, or have it labelled as subversive ‘fake news’ even if it is thoroughly factual and true. The truth will thus be something that is completely controlled by the state, irrespective of its factual value.

Woke society will be one of citizen ratings, where citizens will be judged by their actions or Thoughtcrimes, and either punished or rewarded commensurate to their life choices. Anyone with a negative rating of any sort will be denied a multitude of things, they will not be able to shop at certain stores, be denied education, insurance, medical help and travel.

Woke citizen shaming will also be a major form of entertainment for the ‘good woke citizens’ much-like the Medieval stocks, public shaming will ensure eventual compliance and prove as a lesson to observing woke citizens of what can go wrong if you show any form of individual thought or err from the path of Wokism in any way.

Individual thought and any opposing view of Wokism will be dealt with extreme prejudice and may involve the violator being interred into a Woke Gulag for Re-education, or if their crime is so expansive, they will be made to disappear completely.

Branson Travels to Mesosphere NOT Space

0

Travelling to the edge of space (50 miles altitude) is not technically space, but the very boundary of space, and there are many craft that have been able to do that for decades.

The stratosphere (20-60km) comes before the mesosphere (60-80km) and from there is the thermosphere (80-600) and once that threshold is overcome there is the exosphere (600-10,000km).

For a mere € 17500 for a 50 min flight, you can fly to the stratosphere in a Mig 29 and garner pretty much the same experience as a Branson Virgin Galactic flight for a fraction of the $250,000 cost.

Of course, kids on YouTube have been sending stuff into the edge of space for years, including items like garlic bread, pizza and even a McDonald’s burger.

You can also do the Felix Baumgartner or Alan Eustace space dive route, but that’s way out of most budgets and fucking dangerous.

As for Bezos, and the battle of the billionaires, he plans to actually use a penis-shaped rocket to go one step above Branson and access the thermosphere about 65 miles above sea level, and past the Karman line. Tickets on his rocket of doom will cost you a lousy $28 million per seat, which is invariably out of reach for most Amazon warehouse workers or bottle pissing Amazon delivery drivers. For 28 million bucks you will get four minutes of weightlessness, and a damn good view, as well as knowing for posterity’s sake that you actually travelled into space and not the boundary as Branson has done.

Black Lives Matter Wins Euro 2020

0

Taking the knee never meant so much for the England team as a seriously lacklustre game came down to penalties. It was, in the end, quite apt that the three missed penalties were taken by Rashford, Sancho and Saka, who will have the unsavoury memory of their silly misses tainting the rest of their careers.

The longer you take the knee, sooner or later your subservience takes over and once that happens, forget about scoring goals again, or winning tournaments.

There were no knees taken by the Italian team, and there was no virtue signalling. These Italians just played football, persevered, even with an early England goal.

Football’s coming home for sure — in a fucking coffin.

The only real winner on the night was Black Lives Matter.

 

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH