The Daily Squib is proud to present one of our best free holidays yet, that is after our Ebola holiday, and Thai Cave Diving holiday.

You will be jetted off to Australia, where you will be met at the airport by firemen to be escorted to your 5 star hotel in the middle of nowhere, which may not exist in the morning if you wake up.

The 5 star Australian hotels will have many amenities like fire extinguishers, ice buckets, and of course a swimming pool where you can dip your burnt toe in as the heat of the raging fires around you burn everything to ash.

Aussies love a barbie and a few tinnies, forget about throwing the shrimps on, this time you’re the shrimp.

Heat proof suits are optional for all competition winners, but are highly advisable to be worn at all times because the heat levels can reach in excess of 1000 degrees Fahrenheit (537.78 °C) throughout the luxurious holiday.

Some of the hotels where you will be sent may be near the coast, so take full advantage to shelter on the beaches as the fucking fires rage around the surrounding areas. Do not go in the ocean though because the Great White sharks that patrol the shore line may seek to bite into your scorched flesh with their myriad of sharp teeth — kebab time.

Why not have a game of cricket on your holiday? The Aussies love cricket, and you can hit some flaming scorchers for six out of the grounds into the flames. Don’t try and retrieve the ball though because it will most probably be ashes in the Ashes.

To win your exclusive trip to the scorching depths of hell, ahem, we mean Australia, please send a SAE to : Aussie Holiday giveaway comp, P.O. Box 3429, London, W1 6DA, England by January 16, 2020, or call 0869 6969696 (calls cost £35,000 per minute).