On FEMA concentration camps:
Megyn Kelly: Your critics call you a fearmongering conspiracy theorist who disseminates baseless allegations and profits off the unrest you sow. What is your response?
Alex Jones: That makes me sadder than when I learned The Hershey Company assassinated Corey Haim because he found out they’ve been chemically engineering Jolly Ranchers to turn our children into Jihadists. Did you know that when you suck on a Jolly Ranger, you’re lapping up the Koran? Especially the cherry-flavoured ones, because “Cherry” was what Allah’s friends nicknamed him back in the day. My point being, I’m a journalist who exposes the corruption of the political-corporate-religious industrial complex. Profit is the furthest thought from my mind.
Kelly: Why then did you apply to trademark the phrase FEMA Concentration Camp?
Jones: To prevent the government from trademarking it first. Uncle Sam wants to imprison us and make action figures in our likeness and then sell those action figures in toy stores and then have Hollywood make a cartoon out of those figures and then a movie franchise out of those cartoons. But because I, Alexander Hamilton Jones, bought the trademark the government can’t profit off of the concentration camps, meaning the plot has been foiled. You’re welcome.
On Global Warming:
Kelly: Given the overwhelming scientific evidence, how in good conscience can you dismiss global warming as a myth?
Jones: L.L. Bean sold more sweaters this winter than ever before. Square that circle for me. You can’t. You can’t, cause you can’t square a circle. I’ve tried. Spent a weekend with a magic marker, a power drill, and every size and shape of Tupperware. We had leftover smashed potatoes one night and nowhere to put it. But, like I told my baby girl, geometry is really a mind control formula invented by Middle Eastern soothsayers thousands of years ago so that one day their descendants would invade our great nation and imprison us in Rubik’s Cubes.
Kelly: What happened to the smashed potatoes?
Jones: My baby girl held them in her baby-girl hands until I got hungry. That’s what family is, Megyn. It’s room-temperature smashed potatoes seasoned with the patriotic tears of a child who can’t sleep through the night because Barack Hussein Obama lives under her bed.
On making English the official language of the United States:
Kelly: The United States prizes its cultural diversity. With that in mind, can you appreciate the offense people take when you call for English to be the country’s official language? Jones: You gotta understand, it’s not that I don’t like people who speak the wrong languages. Just the opposite. If I didn’t like them, why would I want the government to force them to learn English? More people who speak English, more people I get to chitchat with. But I do like them, and so I want them to speak the best language.
Kelly: You’re saying English is a superior language?
Jones: According to the experts, yes. Language people, whatta you call ‘em, the ones who know all the lingo….lingo-ists! They say English has the most words, which means you can pray to God with more variety, which means God is more likely to listen because He hates reruns. Also, English doesn’t have accent marks, and I for one don’t like my vowels wearing hats. It’s rude. Look at it another way: what language is better than English? German? Jeebus, please. A thousand doctors performing a thousand hernia exams could recreate the German language in under an hour. Eskimo? If you need that many words for “snow,” you’re not shoveling fast enough. Arabic? Megyn, have you ever taken a gander at that alphabet? It looks like a support group for low-motility sperm. I don’t know about you, but I won’t speak to my family in the tongue of melancholy semen.
On Justin Bieber and Ferdinand Magellan:
Kelly: You have derided parents who encourage their children’s adoration of Justin Bieber. In 2011 you ranted, “[Ferdinand] Magellan’s a lot cooler than Justin Bieber! He circumnavigated the entire globe with one ship. He was killed by wild natives before he got back to Portugal, and when they got back there was only like eleven people alive of the 100-something crew and the entire ship was rotting down to the water line! That’s destiny, that’s will, that’s striving, that’s being a trailblazer and explorer! Going into space, mathematics, quantum mechanics, and the secrets of the universe! It’s all there – life is fiery with its beauty, its incredible detail….they wanna shatter your mind talking about Justin Bieber! It’s pure evil! They’re taking your intellect and your soul…and giving you…Bieber.” Do you still hate the Biebs?
Jones: After his last album, more than ever.
Kelly: Yeah, I’m with you there.