Just imagine entering a gameshow where all contestants are meant to start on a level playing field, when suddenly you’re handed a bill for £100 billion and told nothing will go ahead unless you pay up right now.
Well, that’s probably how poor old David Davis, Britain’s Brexit Secretary felt like yesterday when he arrived in Brussels for talks with EU Rottweiler Michel Barnier.
“Hello, pleased to meet you, shall we get started then?”
“First, you have to pay £100 billion, then I may talk to you, mon amis.”
“Er, what is your legal rationale for handing us this bill you conjured up out of thin air?”
*raising voice* “They question that there is a legal basis for an exit payment, you cochon, it is because there will be a €10bn euro per year black hole that will be left in EU budgets after Brexit.”
“Well, we’re sorry about that but once we leave we have nothing to do with the EU budget. That’s your problem, not ours.”
“Listen here Ros Beef, you wanted to join EU, now you want to get out, there is a price to pay, and you will pay the bill we give you for dining at our table. We have pensions for unelected eurocrats to pay, we have unlimited expense fees to pay, what about Juncker’s cognac bill or the Greek black hole money pit?”
“Well, according to our books, you owe us money. We have paid absolutely billions into your coffers and got pretty much nothing in return. What’s your answer to that?”
“You English imbecile, Britain was our cash cow. We cannot afford to lose your money, so pay up or I will smear escargot juice all over your Savile Row bespoke suit.”
“Why did you Frenchies plant trees on the Champs Elysées?”
“Because it is aesthetically beautiful, and the French way, is that right English idiot?”
“No, because the Germans could march in the shade.”
“Why, you pig, I will increase the bill to £200 billion now.”
“Go ahead mate, we ain’t paying a penny any way.”
*Meeting ends and both parties leave the podium*