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Jesus Turned Wine into Water New Study Reveals

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Scholars have found firm evidence that Jesus Christ turned wine into water.

An intriguing find bears witness to the teetotal miracle that Jesus Christ performed at the Marriage at Cana.

The text from the gospel of John 2:6-10 which has been used for all these years tells of Jesus turning water into wine for the guests of the wedding banquet at Cana.

This however has been found to be a fabrication created by the wine industry at the time of John to encourage consumption of red wine.

Ancient Aramaic words inscribed on a limestone tablet found in Jerusalem on Wednesday by a team of experts from the Geological Survey of Israel have revealed that Jesus was a strict teetotal and shunned alcohol at all costs. This goes against the grain of most Christians and was hushed up for many centuries.

John, who was a devout alcoholic himself, when writing the gospel decided to skip over this facet of Jesus’ character which he did not approve of and changed the miracle around. John is also believed to have received large donations from wine merchants for including the wine miracle into his gospel.

According to the tablet: Jesus at the wedding in Cana changed the wine into water then handed it to guests as an example of goodness. He was then thrown out of the wedding with his followers for changing the wedding’s vast wine supply into water and being such a ‘spoil sport’. The master of the banquet was very angry with Jesus because he paid a lot of money for the wine.

The tablet goes on to say that Jesus was anti-alcohol ever since drinking one too many at a wedding in Hebron aged twelve. The tablet recalls Jesus drinking many amphora’s of wine only to projectile vomit over the assembled wedding party. Needless to say, the tablet describes Jesus leaving the wedding in disgrace. He was put off drink ever since that fateful day and wherever he went would turn wine into water because he could not even stand the sight or smell of it anymore.

Scholars have been astounded by this discovery and churches all over the world are now revising their bibles as we speak.

Hank Shanks, editor of Biblical Alcoholic Review, which announced the discovery, explained that the inscription was reviewed by Methusaleh Chetmyer, one of the world’s foremost experts on first-century Aramaic and a preeminent Dead Sea Scrolls editor. Professor Chetmyer was at first troubled by the spelling of the word for ‘pissed’, because it was a plural form used centuries later. But further research yielded the same form in one of the Dead Sea Scrolls and on another first-century tablet. “I stand corrected,” Professor Chetmyer said.

The head of ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ has praised the new find and will incorporate Jesus’ new teachings within its world-renowned therapy sessions.

There has been some major opposition regarding the new find from some Christians. “Next they’re going to tell us that Jesus was not blonde with blue eyes and did not have Aryan white skin. What a load of gobbledy gook,” exclaims the Reverend Al Koholik from the Presbyterian Church in West Fulchester Maine.

 

Entire UK Population to be Branded

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Lord Justice Sedley who proposed mass branding of the UK population with irons has been hailed a hero by the regime in charge.

 

Ministers said branding citizens with irons helped tackle crime. The compulsory UK nationwide branding operation will increase processing centre activity from next month.

A spokesman for Prime Minister Gordon Brown said to
expand the branding operation would create “huge logistical and bureaucratic
issues” and civil liberty concerns but these do not matter any more because “the people of Britain comply to everything we want anyway without question.”

The Labour Government has been branding criminals for years already, and now will extend the branding operation onto the rest of the population.

 

‘Branding Iron’

The process involves using a branding iron to make an impression on the forehead of every UK citizen.

As well as numbers to identify the person there will be a barcode. The information on the barcode will relay to a central computer details of the citizen, their status, their sexuality, their race and also their DNA information.

 
Sir Stephen Sedley

 

 

Gordon Brown has stated that the database and branding iron operation is only a minor inconvenience to the everyday citizen and should be embraced without question.

The Home Secretary outlined in a
Parliamentary debate today on how the branding database shall be controlled. He described the system for branding people as a vital necessity in fighting the War on Terror.

“For the state and your security you will be branded on the forehead with a barcode. There is nothing to worry about and it is totally painless.”

 

Nick Clegg, Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman,
said there was “no earthly reason” why someone who has committed no
crime should be branded with an iron – “yet the government is branding
thousands of innocent people’s foreheads every
month”. The right honourable gentleman Mr Clegg was then taken away to a Processing Centre and branded before disappearing, never to be seen again.

 

The branding operation, which is 12 years old, grows by 30,000 citizens per month and the processing centres have been working over time.

The “UK Branding Processing Centre” in London’s Kings Cross, the
largest in the world, can be identified from space utilising satellite imagery showing the immense smoke clouds from the branding irons and smelting pots.



Every citizen is now guilty before being proven innocent. You are now no more than cattle and criminals to be moulded by politicians and controllers.
Sir Stephen Sedley

 

In one case, Dyfed-Powys Police used a branding iron on
Jeffrey Vineyard, 72, from Pembrokeshire. He was mistakenly branded on the left cheek – and will have to be processed again on the forehead.

Home Office Minister Tony McNulty said the branding process had helped police solve as many as 20 crimes a year.

“By giving up your freedom we are now a safer society. You will trust us with everything. Do not think – just obey.”

Sir Stephen Sedley, who is the master architect of the population control system, is now also proposing the segregation of ‘ethnics’ from the Aryan population.

“We are constructing five new processing centres per month and are incorporating the premise that anyone who enters Britain’s shores will be branded with a barcode. This is to ensure safety for our citizens. We, the controllers, have your best interests at heart so there is nothing to worry about. You may now resume watching Celebrity Can’t Cook Won’t Cook.”

US Finally Reveals Plan for Iraq as Allies Retreat

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A U.S. general close to the White House says that he has finally come up with a plan for post-illegal-invasion Iraq.

“The US plan is to kill all the Arab Untermensch – so there will not be anymore resistance to our illegal occupation.”

Army Gen. Meat Johnsons, is the co-author of a paper that is credited with laying out the 2 page long architecture of the U.S. stormtrooper surge in Iraq, as well as the initial “Shock and Awe” annihilation campaign.

The plan is to bomb more areas from high altitude and kill more Iraqi civilians. Already, the American perpetual War has murdered over 600,000 Iraqi civilians and pumped the country full of depleted uranium, but the key ‘Surge’ report states that the target for civilian deaths has not even reached the 1.5 million mark which was the amount of deaths at the hands of the US Army in Vietnam.

“When there are no Iraqis and Arabs left, that’s when the US wins the war.”

 


The Surge

 

 

“We need to address this issue of not meeting our Surge targets yet. The killing must get up to speed to meet monthly death targets and we gotta beat that Nam score dammit. Besides, I gotta bet with Dubya for five bucks that I beat the score by Christmas.”

US troops were training all year round for The Surge and the gruelling regimen even involved wrestling to hone their skills in dealing with combat stress.

 

 

American Military tactics involve bombing from high altitude, then strafing areas where any movement is detected with massive firepower and if that does not work, bringing in the incendiary bombs.

These burn everything in the vicinity with white phosphorous and were used heavily in Fallujah to kill everything in the city.

 

The British

 


The abrasive General however has had ample time to have a pop at the British.

“If it wasn’t for the US those Limeys would be speaking German,” Johnsons told The Daily Squib, angry at British forces backing away from the illegal occupation and Uncle Sam sanctioned Iraqi genocide.

“We lost Vietnam, Cambodia and Korea because of the Limeys and now the War on Terrors is being threatened once again the Limeys is backing off!”

The Daily Squib asked the American General whether he knew anything of the concept of ‘winning hearts and minds’ and he replied quite adamantly that he did. “It’s callled a gun motherf*ckers! This is the American way and we’re gonna be here for the next thirty years or however it’s gonna take to complete the de-populationization operations dammit! We do not need the Limeys anyway, we got ammo and then some!”

The comments are the first public criticism of British policy by a U.S. military insider since Prime Minister Gordon Brown took office.

The British Ministry of Defense acknowledged today that despite the American plans to continue the illegal occupation and oil revenue acquisition program, British forces will leave Iraq before the Americans and will continue with the troop reduction.

The number of British troops in Iraq has decreased from 5,200 at the beginning of this year to 2,500, and is expected to drop to 500 by the beginning of next month.

 

Doctor Who Revives Davros and the Daleks

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The next Doctor Who series will reintroduce the doctor’s arch rival Davros once again.

Fans have greeted the news with enthusiasm.

The next series will begin in October and is going to be another monster hit.

Davros History

Davros is a character from the long-running British science fiction television series Doctor Who, responsible for the genesis of the Doctor’s deadliest enemies, the Daleks.

Davros is a scientist from the planet Oz whose people, the Kaleds, were engaged in a bitter thousand-year war of attrition with their enemies, the humans. Horribly scarred and crippled after what is simply described on screen as an “accident”, with only one functioning arm and one cybernetic “eye” mounted on his forehead and one brass testicle, for much of his existence he depended completely upon a self-designed mobile Stannah life-support chair which enclosed the lower half of his body. It would become an obvious inspiration for his eventual design of the Dalek.

Davros is a megalomaniac who believes that through his creations, the Daleks, he can become the supreme being and ruler of the universe. He is a brilliant tyrant who has demonstrated mastery of skullduggery, cheating, ruthlessness, artificial intelligence, cloning, mass media engineering, smut and military tactics.

When he first encountered the Fourth Doctor in the 1975 serial Genesis of the Daleks, Davros (played by Michael Wisher) was the chief scientist of the Kaleds, heading the Scientific News International Fox Division.

Davros realised that contamination from the fictional news stories and comic book reportage used in the media war was mutating the Kaled race, and artificially accelerated the process to examine the ultimate evolutionary end product: The Sun Newspaper.

The mutations were weak and crippled; no more than brains with tentacular appendages and breasts the size of watermelons with no hope of survival on their own. His solution was to remove all news pertaining to reality, a category in which he grouped such emotions as compassion, mercy and kindness, and place the mutants in tank-like “Mark III Faux News machines” that were partly based on the design of his wheelchair. He later named these creatures Daleks, an anagram of Fox News Network.

Davros continued to create and assimilate humans into his evil collective by producing entire slave networks enslaving humans in their millions. These were called myspacers because of their unquestioning commitment and voluntary choice in becoming his slave.

Davros quickly became obsessed with his creations, considering them
to be the ultimate form of life, superior to all others. One of his creations the Margeratus Thatcherus was to dominate the seventh series with its devilish screeching. To stop his
own people from shutting down his Dalek project, he engineered another mutant clone of the Margeratus Thatcherus which he then placed into power many years later, the Antonius BLiar was the ultimate machine for faux propaganda and one of its dastardly characteristics was to spin around in circles so that its enemies could not catch it.

The terrible reign of Davros seems to go on and on and continues to assimilate everything in its evil path much like his science fiction counterpart ‘The Borg’ from rival show Star Trek.

 

Camilla Concert Huge Success

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Amongst the huge attendance of four close friends in Highgrove’s games room at the back of the house was the premiere Gloucester working man’s club troupe consisting of Compy on tuba, Richard Dingle on banjo and Arthur “Bunty” Bunton on the tambourine.

A distinguished guest at the birthday party, Lady Victoria Hubbingford Montserat Remington commented, “Gosh, what an apt celebration for such a wonderful lady.”

Her Royal Highness Camilla Not The Princess of Wales was then entertained by a single firework fired into the rain soaked night sky for the grand finale of the eventful evening.

Thugs and Hoodies Terrified of Receiving ABC from Jacqui Smith MP

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Thugs across Britain who have been carrying out a daily violence festival of hatred have voiced their fears on new proposals by Jacqui Smith the Home Secretary to make them sign a contract guaranteeing they change their ways and embrace good behaviour.

The new Acceptable Behaviour Contract (ABC) proposed by the Labour Government is aimed at quelling the mass murder and gun/knife killing spree that is happening on Britain’s streets every day.

The word on the violent streets of Britain from the thugs is that it is working.

Jacqui Smith’s wonderful ABC’s plan is a profound miracle amongst the gun-toting hoodie maniacs that are terrorising everyone.

The Daily Squib has had exclusive access to some of the hoodie thugs that are now blighting good ol’ Blighty.

Out of England’s 10,689 violent teenage gangs only one was prepared to speak to us – The Scrotes Boys of Manchester who have a massive following of 500 odd children/teenagers ranging from 9 years old to 18.

“We shot people for fun, innit! If someone called the cops they get done. School for me was the street ‘n’ I seen and done many boys, we jacked them cuz they crossed us.” These are the words of Pete K who was the regional gang leader for this area. He also explains what happened if other gang members entered his area. “If they get out alive then they was unlucky cuz we take down everyone then.”

 


The Scrotes Gang of Manchester have fun after shooting
a disabled man and stealing his wheelchair

 

After the teen gang members are given an ABC they are also given an mp3 player and a safari holiday trip of a lifetime. The Home Office says this is to encourage young offenders and murderers that crime does not pay.

We ask the gang member what he thinks of signing a contract to curb his behaviour and violent ways. “I was violent and I jacked alot of kids in my time but when I signed my ABC I was a changed boy.” The ABC contract seems to have worked with him and he is now working for local Government as a councillor. Even though he could not read or write since signing the contract with an X, he has made a remarkable turn-around and all this thanks to Jacqui Smith’s ABC contract.

ABC is truly a miracle cure indeed for the gun-toting, knife-wielding, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals that are plaguing the streets of Britain.

Since Jacqui Smith has introduced the amazing ABC contracts, crime has been reduced by 995% in the UK and over 3.9 million pieces of heavy weaponry have been handed in to Police Stations.

“After I introduced ABC contracts all crime has dropped dramatically. We can now walk down our streets without being violently maimed, shot or stabbed,” Jacqui Smith tells the Squib.

The Metropolitan Police who have been attending to highly prioritised duties such as paperwork, internal equality monitoring and conducting health and safety assessments for officers likely to be caught in a crime situation, are understandably too busy to realise the efficacy of the ABC but will address the issue after a draft fact-finding white paper is issued later on in the week.

Jacqui Smith MP : “The ABC contract ensures that crime is halted in its tracks. Once they sign the piece of paper that means they have to stop the mass killing and looting, drugs and burglary or they will be in trouble and receive an ASBO after 12 months of supervision.”

It seems the ABC has made Britain safe once again and we can now all thank the Labour Government for their wonderful crime-fighting policies.

Only Five Pupils Fail to Gain ‘A Grades’ in UK A-Levels

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Gordon Brown today praised the A-level results the government has created.

“Never before have we seen such amazing intelligence and it is all down to the Labour commitment to education. Young people in the UK are achieving even higher grades than anywhere in the world or at any time in the history of education.”

Only five people in the whole of the United Kingdom failed to gain an ‘A grade’ on the A-Level exam this year. This is a wonderful day for Labour spin, but a sad day for legitimate qualifications.

Since Labour has come into power the standard of A-Levels has dropped to such a low level that many private schools are considering dumping the dumbed down ‘qualifications’ for a rival qualification that will test pupils properly.

The current A-levels were watered down by controversial reforms to A-levels seven years ago which split the exam
into six bite-sized units examined in stages throughout the course,
with potential for repeated resits. The Labour government has thus created a false grade system where even the thickest students can take the exams and get ‘A grades’.

Not only have the A-Level exams been dumbed down to the level of a low-intelligence test, but the pass marks for ‘A grades’ in the A-level have also been lowered so more students reach the A threshold.

In the 50’s up to the late 80’s, A-levels involved students be tested by sitting exams and writing actual essays. A pass mark for an A grade was substantially higher than today’s ‘mickey mouse’ qualification.

The result of the Labour governments spin operation on the A-levels is that there are a large number of people leaving school with ‘A grades’ who are actually not qualified in their chosen subjects.

 


Ross from Liverpool is very happy that he got 4 A grades
for his A-levels and is applying to Cambridge University




Universities have a very hard time because they are receiving students who are deficient in basic grammatical and mathematical skills, let alone the higher knowledge base that should be attained at A-Level.

The further avalanche effect thus extends to employment where the new ‘A student’ graduates are illiterate, ineffectual and just plain deluded at their false qualifications.

Despite the majority of graduates all having A grades at A-Level, universities are now having to re-train students in the basics because of the inferior education levels that they have received.

The A-level is now synonymous with deception, dishonesty, Labour spin and fabrication.

Record Number of Britons Leaving Sinking Ship UK for Better Life Abroad

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A record number of Brits are packing their bags and escaping the horror that is now miserable Britain for a new
life abroad, according to new figures.

 

The Office of National Statistics showed 385,000 people migrated from the country in the year to July 2006.

1.8 million British nationals have left the country since 1997.

This is the highest figure since official counting methods were introduced in 1991 and is the greatest emigration since before the First World War.

At the same time, more than three million mainly Eastern European foreign nationals have arrived.

Many of the people who are leaving British shores are skilled professionals who are taking their skills elsewhere for a better life and brighter future.

The influx into the UK however is of the non-skilled economic migrant, they often breed with high frequency and are a burden on the UK benefits system.

The quality of life is now so bad in Britain that native Britons are clamoring to jump from the festering Labour mess that has been foisted on this once great country.

Taxes are so high in Britain now that a person has to work 5 months in a year before they start to make any money for themselves.

For every pound spent on petrol 80 pence goes straight to the treasury, council tax has risen by 650% since Labour came into power, normal everyday goods like bread are now expensive commodities compared to other parts of the world, if you work you are worse off than a subsidised chav with 6 kids where everything is paid for them, there is no room left to move in some cities because of the unfettered immigration that the Labour Government has allowed etc etc..

 

 

Tips on how to escape Britain
– Find a country to escape to, then research jobs and housing

– Sell everything you own and if you cannot do that, give it away

– Say goodbye to everyone you know and wish them luck in staying in abject UK misery

– Crack open the champagne as you are flying off into the sunset!

Related Articles:

 

Stabbings Down from June
State of the Economy
          • More Fear Needed

 

Doherty Honoured by Queen at Buckingham Palace

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Pete Doherty was honoured at Buckingham Palace for his services to British ‘drug-taking’ and ‘prison-dodging’ today.

He is now a proud Member of the Order of the British Empire.

Kneeling before the Queen, he picked up a syringe which had fallen out of his jacket and shrugged his shoulders whilst smiling like a Cheshire cat.

Artful Dodger

The Queen has been very impressed by Pete’s prison dodging antics and calls him affectionately ‘the artful dodger’.

To date, Doherty has been caught over 29 times and only briefly arrested once for carrying large quantities of class A drugs like heroin, ketamine, cocaine, crack and meth amphetamine.

He has been immune to prosecution nearly every time and walked free out of all court sessions intended to jail him for longer periods.

Awarded for achievement or service in and to the community that is outstanding in its field; or very local ‘hands-on’ service which stands out as an example to others.

Doherty has shown to have outclassed and outrun the useless prosecution services each and every time and made them into a laughing stock only fit for ridicule.

To celebrate his new found status Doherty took out a large grotty HIV infected syringe in front of the Queen, smiled at her as he rubber banded his arm and dug the needle deep into one of his only working veins.

It was at this moment a little squirt of blood gently spilled onto the Queen’s shoes.

Bravo!

Doherty Glad to be Back in Prison

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Pete Doherty’s request to go to notorious Leyhill Prison for his inevitable sentence has been answered with an appreciative ‘yes’ from the Prison authorities and Judge concerned.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad my request to go to Leyhill Prison where the smack is actually purer than the street has been accepted. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Leyhill exclaimed they are preparing for Doherty’s entrance tonight at 10 PM. His room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the Prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are more rife there than in traditional jails. When I got to Leyhill I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts
while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.”