Jesus Turned Wine into Water New Study Reveals

JERUSALEM - Israel - An astounding archaeological find has revealed that Jesus of Nazareth was teetotal and changed wine into water instead of water into wine.

Scholars have found firm evidence that Jesus Christ turned wine into water.

An intriguing find bears witness to the teetotal miracle that Jesus Christ performed at the Marriage at Cana.

The text from the gospel of John 2:6-10 which has been used for all these years tells of Jesus turning water into wine for the guests of the wedding banquet at Cana.

This however has been found to be a fabrication created by the wine industry at the time of John to encourage consumption of red wine.

Ancient Aramaic words inscribed on a limestone tablet found in Jerusalem on Wednesday by a team of experts from the Geological Survey of Israel have revealed that Jesus was a strict teetotal and shunned alcohol at all costs. This goes against the grain of most Christians and was hushed up for many centuries.

John, who was a devout alcoholic himself, when writing the gospel decided to skip over this facet of Jesus’ character which he did not approve of and changed the miracle around. John is also believed to have received large donations from wine merchants for including the wine miracle into his gospel.

According to the tablet: Jesus at the wedding in Cana changed the wine into water then handed it to guests as an example of goodness. He was then thrown out of the wedding with his followers for changing the wedding’s vast wine supply into water and being such a ‘spoil sport’. The master of the banquet was very angry with Jesus because he paid a lot of money for the wine.

The tablet goes on to say that Jesus was anti-alcohol ever since drinking one too many at a wedding in Hebron aged twelve. The tablet recalls Jesus drinking many amphora’s of wine only to projectile vomit over the assembled wedding party. Needless to say, the tablet describes Jesus leaving the wedding in disgrace. He was put off drink ever since that fateful day and wherever he went would turn wine into water because he could not even stand the sight or smell of it anymore.

Scholars have been astounded by this discovery and churches all over the world are now revising their bibles as we speak.

Hank Shanks, editor of Biblical Alcoholic Review, which announced the discovery, explained that the inscription was reviewed by Methusaleh Chetmyer, one of the world’s foremost experts on first-century Aramaic and a preeminent Dead Sea Scrolls editor. Professor Chetmyer was at first troubled by the spelling of the word for ‘pissed’, because it was a plural form used centuries later. But further research yielded the same form in one of the Dead Sea Scrolls and on another first-century tablet. “I stand corrected,” Professor Chetmyer said.

The head of ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ has praised the new find and will incorporate Jesus’ new teachings within its world-renowned therapy sessions.

There has been some major opposition regarding the new find from some Christians. “Next they’re going to tell us that Jesus was not blonde with blue eyes and did not have Aryan white skin. What a load of gobbledy gook,” exclaims the Reverend Al Koholik from the Presbyterian Church in West Fulchester Maine.