17.7 C
London
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 752

Are Bankruptcies the New ASBOs?

1

There used to be a time when people were accountable for their financial mistakes but not anymore according to new Labour regulations incentivising bankruptcy.

“You can take out loans for hundreds of thousands of pounds, blow the whole lot, then declare yourself bankrupt and have the slate wiped clean and start again the next day. It’s really that easy, and under the Labour government no one is held accountable for the debt you rack up. It’s how they have been funding the false economy for years — through debt,” John Deacon, a critic of the debt culture that is sweeping Britain, told the Daily Squib.

Only a few months ago it was cool to be seen getting an ASBO (Anti Social Behavioral Order) and people would wear them as a badge of honour. Some even presented them as trophies on their trophy cabinets. Things seem to have changed from those days and ASBO’s have fallen out of favour by being superceded by the almighty bankruptcy. It is now seen as a major badge of honour to have frittered away thousands of pounds worth of someone else’s hard cash and to have got away with it without ever having to pay it back.

Mark Thug, director of personal insolvency at KPMG, said: “You have to remember that the people are watching their so-called leader bankrupt our nation with huge amounts of debt from his wild spending sprees where he squandered billions of pounds on useless schemes and moribund ideas. He has bankrupted Britain for the next thirty generations and also remember that he sold off Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market. Gordon Brown is the biggest bankrupter this country has ever seen. He makes everyone else look like Mother f*cking Theresa. Anyway, without wishing to digress, we expect insolvencies to rise to approximately 750,000 in 2009.”

Scientists Baffled After Analysing Mexican Flu Virus

2

The virus was transferred to a high security room at the lab and
disassembled using a technique called “reverse genetics”. Scientists then took the genes that make the swine virus’s outer coating and
attached them to a harmless human virus called PR8.

It was during this process that the scientists were dumb struck at their discovery.

“During the analytical process we discovered that the virus carried a component that has got everyone excited. Our colleagues in the CDC from Atlanta, Georgia have also found the same component and are also baffled. It seems to be some kind of genetic footprint denoting the virus’s place of origin,” Dr. Mark Sykes from the HPA’s containment labs told the Daily Squib.

The World Health Organisation last night raised the alert to level five
– only one below the highest level – for the first time in its history.

“We also found that the virus likes to have a three hour siesta every day from about 2pm. It also has an affinity for Tequila if it’s host drinks some it gets happy and starts to sing Mariachi songs. We’ve seen some crazy shit in our labs. Sometimes we have to pinch ourselves to show we’re not dreaming,” Dr. Sykes added.

New Police Training Game Unveiled

0

“It’s just like the real deal, I feel like I get a good workout with my arms and truncheon when I train with this simulator. Hell, you can even hear the bones crackin’,” Officer Al Hertyu, from LA’s 67th precinct told the LA Times.

According to the developers of the simulator, this piece of high end software can actually save lives.

The software
developers also claim the game is good for police moral and is a good
way of letting off steam after a hard days violence on the streets.


“This shows you where to hit the perps depending on the situation. Say we got someone on pcp, now they ain’t going to feel pain like you and I so you’re gonna have to keep whackin’ until they go down. You got to get them in the right place too otherwise they just keep on coming. We’ve designed this software to train new recruits on how to conduct themselves during police brutality lawsuits as well. Either you say the right things or you go down. I’ve had thirty year police veterans come up to me and tell me that this program had them giggling like it was their first beat session. It really is that good,” Bob Monk, one of the developers for the software divulged.

The company that has developed the training aid is NASDAQ listed Crunch Software who are based in San Francisco, California.

Already other states are realising how effective the police training software is and are also planning to incorporate the program in their academies.

Image:clagnut-b3ta

Gordon Brown: "Fear Levels Not High Enough"

10

Speaking from his Dacha in Southwold, Comrade Brown addressed senior Labour party officials and Bolshevik commanders:

“Comrades, as much as I welcome the wonderful news that we will have a
pandemic to finally whittle down the population by 90% so that we can
bring in our scientific utopian
dictatorship and the ultimate Fabian dream, I am still not happy with
the insipid fear levels that are being registered by the plebiscite. They still
seem to be nonchalant and apathetic to the fact that there will be
total social breakdown, no food; anti-viral medication only delivered to
party officials and Labour sycophants; total chaos and death.

“Comrades, as you all know, we have our antidotes for this lab-created
virus and will languish in our luxury apartments whilst all around us
the ensuing chaos will kick off. We will of course pretend to care and look as if we are doing something for the fodder. The Summer of Rage will be my defining
moment wherein I have left the people no option but to riot. We have
opened the borders for the virus to enter the country and do its work.
All contingency plans have thus so far been adhered to, as Commissar
Balls and Mandie can attest to in their fervour during preparations for
the genocide.

“Remember comrades it was us or them, and of course we have all the
machinery while they have nothing and are all useless consumers whose only purpose
is to serve us by consuming junk they think they need. We don’t let them have ideas. Why would we let them have guns?
We are tired of their ineffectual nature. They are a
burden on the New Age of Change, see how they disobey me on all orders
and laugh at me. Well, their time is up and the economic shock testing
that we engineered to create the collapse of the last remnants of
capitalism are proof of our power.

“Politburo members have even informed me that some of the plebiscite are so indoctrinated by the ‘eco-greening’ program that they will lay down their lives without question to save the earth from further pollution with their carbon emissions. These proles I salute and commend especially with their brainwashing, and I extend a globule of Soviet spittle on their unmarked graves.

“We have enabled a revolution without even one shot being fired. The
plebiscite are mere sheep — they can’t even bleat in protest as I
shepherd them into the pen for the final slaughter. We will
engineer a new society where the slaves will not question, they will
not have individual thought, they will not have the survival instinct
like us. Comrades, soon it will be time for us to retire to our villas
and watch the riots.”

In other news, sectors J34 and C21 were sealed off after another major outbreak of swine flu and the plebiscite neutralised.

Notice: B64945 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Swine Flu Latest: Sir Fred Goodwin Spotted in Mexico

0

Like a swine in the trough, Sir Fred Goodwin who stole a £750,000 per annum pension fund after ruining the bank, was today seen guzzling endless glasses of champagne on his private yacht which is moored off the luxury seaside resort of Acapulco.

According to newspaper reports emanating from Mexico everyone is now talking about the ‘swine levels’ reaching epidemic levels.

“As soon as Sir Fred the Shred swined into Acapulco, everyone knew there was a serious threat of ‘swine fever’. This guy can outswine a member of the Labour cabinet and still go for a second-home expense account pig-out session without balking. What’s more it’s bloody contagious, even this morning at the breakfast buffet I found myself stuffing everything I could find into my pockets a la John Prescott and I even filled up about four plates of food which I pigged out on like a crazed hog ,” David Sinclair, a cruise ship passenger told the Acapulco Daily.

“Not Kosher”

Rabbi Mosher Pretzel, a prominent member of the North London Jewish community who hails from Golders Green was on holiday with his wife, Golda and was incensed about Sir Fred Goodwin’s porky credentials: “I paid a lot of money for this cruise and then the dirty swine Goodwin turned up and spoilt everything. We can’t even come on deck because we see that smarmy swine grinning as he plays with his ill gotten gains on the deck of his ship. It’s like he’s flaunting it. Counting his shekels in front of us like that. It’s not kosher I tell you. He should give some to me and my wife. We have been confined in our room all day and night for two weeks!”

Fred Goodwin’s ‘swine fever’ has swept the whole of Mexico now and is even threatening some parts of Southern California and Texas.

Containment measures are now being made to thwart the spread of Fred Goodwin’s unholy swine ways.

“The world is already in enough pig shit at the moment without more people contracting Fred Goodwin Swine Fever. The filthy greedy pig has caused enough damage don’t you think?” another distraught cruise ship passenger said, before stealing an old woman’s purse and running off squealing like a delighted pig.

Moon Landing Warehouse Up For Sale

1

Buzz Aldrin recalls the moment during filming when his spacesuit’s visor suddenly flipped up and a bluebottle fly landed on his nose: “We had just filmed the bit when Neil said those historic words, when I had a major malfunction on my goddam spacesuit. We had to do about six takes before we got it right and it didn’t matter how much aircon they had on it was so hot I fainted three times from heat exhaustion. People don’t realise how heavy and cumbersome those suits were in the earths gravity. It’s like walking around with 400 pounds of lead on you. If we were in a weightless situation it would have been totally different though.”

Ever since that fateful day on July 20th 1969, the secret warehouse where the moon landings were filmed have remained empty because of secrecy laws pertaining to the sensitive nature of the whole moon landing operation.

NASA, however, finally relented to the crisis in government funding and has had to put the massive warehouse on the market.

“This is some prime piece of real estate right here. We’re talking about making this into a casino or an amusement park or even a place where they can hold rock concerts. We’re still not sure how much the warehouse will go for but we could be talking as little as $4 million. Now, that’s what I call a piece of history right there. I know developers who will bid for this and go crazy for the opportunity of a goddam lifetime,” Eli Horovitz, a real estate agent from Las Vegas said.

The warehouse was finally decommissioned in 1972 after the last manned moon landing.

The property auction for the moon landing warehouse will be held on August 15 of this year at Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada. This is your chance to own a part of history.

Comrade Darling's Brain Drain Budget Ensures Mass Defections

9

Amongst the carnage around the shipping ports and airports there were even fights reported at ferry stations as the mass defection of high earning workers escaped the British shores for better climes.

Comrade Darling’s speech rang out across Soviet Britain today: “Dearest Comrades, the vile capitalist scum who worked hard for their money should be punished severely. This is why I plan on increasing their income tax to such a high level and redistributing their money to people who really need it like benefits cheats, alcoholics, druggies, wasters, hoodies and peasant scum with twenty kids and no jobs. It is the Labour creed which has created a benefits culture in this country where people are rewarded for scrounging off the state and those who work hard to support themselves are punished hard.”

Mass Defections

After hearing Comrade Darling’s 2009 Budget Speech where he announced the curtailment of all enterprise, business and success for hard work there was a mass scramble to leave Britain before Politburo officials from the Peoples Treasury locked down all ports and airports.

Darling’s budget will ensure many doctors, surgeons, lawyers, architects, pop singers, actors, artists, business people, city employees, IT workers and essential professional staff with specialist skills have made plans to leave Britain immediately.

“We heard the news at noon from a Stasi tannoy announcement in our sector. By 4pm, we left our jobs and were out the door and on our way to the airport to go to Ireland where they have a progressive tax system. I am a brain surgeon and deemed as an essential member of the hospital but f*ck this for a laugh. I’m not going to be working for 50% of the year so Darling can hand out my money to more benefits cheats, daytime tv viewers, drug addicts and chav scum. He can f*ck off. I left the patient on the operating table with his skull open and gave instructions for the trainee nurse to deal with the left cranial embolism,” Sir Charles Litton, a leading neurosurgeon from University College London Hospital told the Soviet Broadcasting Company.

As a result of the Darling budget announcement, many hospital departments were left empty and some patients were even forced to conduct operations on themselves.

Many of the defections to countries not desecrated by Comrade Brown’s New Era of Change have already resulted in a huge decrease in tax revenue for the Soviet People’s Chancellor.

“Punish hard work and reward idleness and sloth; nothing has changed with Labour’s policies then. This is the reality of Labour’s Britain, where those who work hard will see the income they make given to some sc*m ridden piece of sh*t slapper with 12 kids from different men, so they can enjoy their 37 inch plasma screens and Heat magazine subscriptions and never work a day in their cigarette stained booze fuelled lives,” Archie Temple, an ex-barrister for a top London Law firm, told Reuters as he was boarding a plane to Switzerland from Heathrow.

Comrade Darling’s 2009 budget has not only precipitated possibly the biggest brain drain ever but also ensured the demise of the British pub industry with thousands more public houses set to go bust after beer tax was raised. The budget has also ensured the demise of the haulage industry and punished drivers after massive tax hikes in fuel tax.

But don’t worry Comrades, there will be another ten years of massive tax hikes to pay for Labour’s mess, so please do look on the bright side. Hello, is there anyone there? *lights out*

Rise of Tescoism Threatens World

1

Some of the key points that signal the rise in Tescoism are:

1. Powerful and Continuing Tescoism: Tesco superstores and advertising tend to make constant use of Tesco Value mottos, Tesco slogans, Tesco symbols, Tesco songs, and other Tescoistic paraphernalia. Tesco Value signs are seen everywhere, as are Tesco Value symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Non-Tesco Products: Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in Tesco regimes are persuaded that all products from other supermarkets can be ignored in certain cases because of “Tescoistic need.” The people tend to look the other way or even approve of more Tesco stores, increased Tesco mini stores, assassinations, long incarcerations of shoppers in Tesco stores, Tesco tax avoidance etc.

3.  Identification of Non-Tesco Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause: The people are rallied into a unifying Tescoistic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: other supermarkets, local bakeries and grocers; farmers; local industry; choice, non processed quality food producers, etc.

4.  Controlled Mass Tescoite Media: Sometimes the media is directly controlled by Tesco, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by Tesco, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially during mass Tesco indoctrination sessions, is very common.

5.  Obsession with Tesco Security: Fear is used as a motivational tool by Tesco over the masses.

6.  Greed and Tesco are Intertwined: Supermarkets in Tesco nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. The religion of Tesco is greed, therefore the use of greedy rhetoric and terminology is common from Tesco’s leaders, even when the major tenets of their greedy religion are diametrically opposed to the supermarkets policies or actions.

7.  Tesco is Protected: The industrial and business aristocracy of a Tescoist nation often are the ones who put the Labour government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

8.  Labour Power is Suppressed: Because the organizing power of labour is the only real threat to a Tescoist government, labour unions and workers rights are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

9.  Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts: The Tescoist Reich tends to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested at Tesco stores. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and Tesco regimes often resort to promoting utter pap and banal mediocrity dedicated to dumbing down the masses.

10.  Rampant Cronyism and Corruption: Tescoite regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to high positions and use Tescoistic power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in Tesco regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by Tesco leaders.

CIA May Have to Torture Obama Over Secret Memos Leak

2

Last week, Mr Obama released four memos, running to 126 pages, written by
officials in President George W. Bush’s administration and containing
explicit details of the CIA’s methods of extracting information from
al-Qaeda suspects between 2002 and 2005.

“We feel this here boy’s gone too far. He be trying to expose us for our torture practices. Here in Langley Virginia and all over the world we pride ourselves in our secret dungeon hellholes where we can enjoy the leisurely pursuit of torture without the fear of being exposed to the liberal bleeding heart do-gooder crowd. For fucks sake folks, what’s better? Do you want some brainwashed Jihadi operative to fulfill his mission of destruction on the American public so that we can take away more of your rights and freedoms? We let a few through for that purpose but there are some unruly ones out there who are not controlled by us,” Michael Hymie, who retired in March as CIA chief, told Fox News.

Even though Obama is the President of the United States, according to CIA operatives and controllers high up in the chain of command, he is now a ripe candidate for “Gitmoization” — a term denoting the imprisonment without trial and subsequent daily torture of the subject.

“We could even send BamBam to Abu Ghraib. We got some great facilities there for waterboarding and of course our time honoured speciality — electro-shock treatments that will make his testicles smoke, we’re talking literally burst into flames like some chargrilled pepper steak a la medium rare,” a senior CIA operative told a laughing Fox reporter.

Gary Brezhnev, a former CIA officer who led the agency’s paramilitary team
that searched for Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, told The Daily Squib
that his former colleagues were “horrified” by Mr Obama’s actions.

“Torture was an everyday occurrence employed by members of the Bush
administration and this is why Obama’s so-called curbs have caused so
much outrage. You can’t just take away torture from the CIA, it’s like taking away the pope from the Catholic church. The goddamn CIA was built on torture. We’ve been careful to outsource the serious stuff to dungeons in Egypt and Pakistan where they use drills and clothes irons, so we’ve been diligent in keeping a low profile and now this? Obama’s going to have to pay for exposing our shit. You don’t cross us and live and we don’t care who the hell you are.”

Now that the CIA are adament about showing some retribution towards the president, political commentators have all been waiting on who will make the first move. Some are speculating that Obama could preempt any kidnapping CIA personnel with his own bodyguards but others are claiming that the CIA are too smooth an operation to fail in capturing Obama and torturing him.

Ugly Spector Just Wanted to Get Laid

1

If you were as ugly and lonely as Phil Spector you might be frustrated too, say prominent psychiatrists and luminaries of the Music Industry.

“Phil never managed to get laid once in his life. It didn’t matter how much money he paid hookers or any of the women, he just could not get laid because the dude was an ugly motherf*cker. He actually looks like a lizard, one girl told me after he held her at gunpoint for three hours before she finally escaped through a fifth floor bathroom window,” Ron Silverman, a long time Spector hanger-on and drug supplier told the Daily Squib.

Many women escaped with their lives after being around Phil Spector, Lana Clarkson was not so lucky and she was the last straw for him.

“That night he must’ve finally flipped. These women could not stay in his presence for more than 15 minutes, so Phil would have to lay down another $1000 for them to stay. He would sometimes try drugging them so that they could look at his face or even touch him but that was too much for some and they would leave the money even if they were homeless. His adopted kids also could not stand Phil either. Hell I’ve even seen nuns cringe when they come with two feet of this dude,” Spector’s chauffeur confided during the court case.

Phil Spector was one of the most famous music producers of all time and was credited with inventing the “wall of sound” but unfortunately for him he will be languishing behind bars for the rest of his life in “walls of concrete”.

“He was testament to what happens when cousins breed. Phil wanted to be a big shot in the Music Biz, well he finally got his chance that’s for sure,” Ed Mahoney, a rep for Atlantic Records said after Spector was convicted of murder.

It is not yet known if Spector will be allowed to take his wigs into prison with him but there is some good news for the ailing ex-producer — he will finally be able to get laid, albeit by some huge black gangbanger looking for a pasty white b*tch to f*ck.