“He was waiting for way too long for this Keith Richards fella to pass on but it just didn’t happen. It was only last week that Mr. Death caught a cold and it got worse. He just deteriorated, and sadly he passed away last night. He’s going to be sorely missed,” one of the angel of death’s friends, told Hell Weekly.

No one knows who is going to take over the role of the ten thousand year old entity, but there are suggestions that when Richards finally croaks, possibly in the next millennium or so, the legendary Rolling Stone himself could take over the role.

“Yeah sure, we need someone like Keith Richards. I’ve seen a picture of him and he looks like death already. I think he’ll fit into the position just right,” Satan told Rupert Murdoch’s Fox news network this morning.

The planking craze taking the world by storm has ceased to exist because of two Hollywood actors who have hijacked the fad and completely trashed it, say planking followers.

Planking has been very popular for the past three months and involves people lying flat on a surface and being photographed, then the images spread via social networking sites around the world.

“It had to happen eventually. All it took was Hugh Grant and Kevin Costner to walk into a room full of plankers and they basically stole the show. You just can’t compete with that level of planking. I actually could not distinguish between Costner and Grant next to some wooden panelling on the wall let alone the plankers. God forbid if they go to the timber section of B&Q,” Al Hummer, a keen planker from Wood Green, North London told the BBC.

This is a sad day for plankers all over the world. Millions of plankers conducted a final plank-in on the internet, then called it a day.

“The uglier they are, the more horny I get. Say if they look like matrons, Russian shot putters or female weightlifters, I just can’t help myself. I have to have them,” Schwarzenegger confessed to an American tabloid newspaper on Tuesday.

Schwarzenegger is so enamoured by ugly chicks that he wants to make a new film about his obsession and is touting a script around Hollywood.

“My wife, she’s ugly, but I wanted even more. I want to see warts with hairs growing out of them, female moustaches and shoulders that you can land an aircraft carrier on. Give me Barbara Bush’s hanging stringy teats and prune skin over any luscious, pert breasted nubile young floozy any day. If they have hunchbacks, shit, that turns me on so much it does not bear thinking about. You haven’t lived until you’ve dined at the altar of one of these chicks. Just make sure you pick the sweetcorn out of your teeth afterwards,” Mr Schwarzenegger said at a recent fundraising event in Studio City.

The former governor, who has fathered fourteen children with an assortment of Mexican maids and cleaners, is currently being divorced by his wife for $230 million.