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Bigfoot Only Has One Foot Witness Claims

Galton Francis
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4
Bigfoot Only Has One Foot Witness Claims

Mr Ortega was conducting research into Northern Californian fauna when suddenly out of a bush a large ape-like cryptid started hopping through the undergrowth.

“I saw Bigfoot. He’s called Bigfoot exactly for that reason, he’s got just one big foot and he was hopping around with it. I estimate it was as thick as a medium sized spruce tree. You should have seen the speed this thing managed on one leg, it was hopping around like a mad jack rabbit, and at over eight feet high, it was one heck of a sight,” Mr Ortega disclosed.

According to Bigfoot analysts, the Bigfoot has one big right foot, and from the footprints he left at the scene, they have estimated his height to be over eight feet high.

“Now I know why he is called Bigfoot. Because he only has one foot. His single foot is extremely strong because of the weight he puts on the single leg. Maybe he needs crutches because we estimate that Bigfoot may suffer from severe arthritis in his old age if he goes on like that. Each leap was an estimated four feet in length so he’s definitely a good hopper,” Billy Johnson, head of the Northern Californian Bigfoot Sasquatch Foundation told CBS news.

Mr Ortega assumes that Bigfoot was either born with one big foot or he could have lost his other big foot in a horrible accident. There are plans to now leave a pair of crutches in the wilderness to see if Bigfoot uses them.

Scientists Unveil New ‘Debt Go Away’ Pill

Galton Francis
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0
Scientists Unveil New ‘Debt Go Away’ Pill

“All you have to do is swallow the bitter tasting pill, and you will have all of your debt completely erased,” Dr. Rodrigue Van Halens, who is heading the research team, told Dutch newspapers.

The pharmaceutical company that owns the rights for the product think that the debt pill could even over take Viagra in sales.

“There is a small compound in the pill that makes the recipient believe emphatically that they are debt free. You see, money is a state of mind, and it does not actually exist. Debts are created by bankers on a computer from nothing. They can just go to a pc, add on a few zeros and that’s your debt. It does not exist, and never did. Therefore, if you take the pill, you are simply realising the truth,” Dr. Van Halens said.

The ‘Debt Go Away’ pill will be released in 2030 and is sure to be a mega bestseller.

Cameron Wants to Incorporate National Hug a Banker Day

Galton Francis
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1
Cameron Wants to Incorporate National Hug a Banker Day

The Conservative leader said he wanted “to understand what’s gone wrong in these bankers’ lives”.

In a separate speech on Friday he also called for the FSA to do less banker bashing and more form filling.

But Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls dismissed the Tory leader’s approach as “vacuous” and “wash-and-go politics”.

“Bankers are people too”

In a speech on how bankers actually benefit society, Mr Cameron claimed bankers who hide in pin stripe suits are trying to “blend in” rather than appear threatening.

Bankers wearing pin stripe suits and braces – known as wankers – have come to be viewed by some as a symbol of social disorder, chaos, greed and evil.

Earlier Mr Cameron told BBC Breakfast he was still tough on financial greed. “Of course people who commit to working in the banking industry should be held responsible.

“But I think people want their politicians to ask the question: ‘What is it that brought that banker to commit to working in a bank at that time? What’s the background to it, what are the long-term causes of banking?’

“If you’re ill, it’s no good putting a sticking plaster on it. You’ve got to get to the bottom of the illness.

“Let’s try and understand what’s gone wrong in these greedy fuckers’ lives and we’ll find it’s about family breakdown, it’s about drugs, money, greed, escorts, fast cars, it’s about alcohol abuse, often it’s bankers who are brought up in privileged dysfunctional families when they should be in loving homes.

“Let’s now deal with those problems. That doesn’t mean at the same we can’t be tough when a banker is caught banking.”

Mr Cameron has even gone as far to suggest that the nation sets aside a day to Hug a Banker and bring them back into decent society.

But Labour has criticised Mr Cameron’s line, calling it a “hug a banker” plan.

Mr Balls also claimed the Conservatives had regularly bashed bankers as much as anyone else.

“Sending out this hug-a-banker message just addresses one part of that, and it’s for today’s headlines.

“It’s a kind of wash-and-go approach to politics – get the headline, move on, never repeat the thing again.”

There are continuing concerns for bankers’ welfare as many are now so persecuted that they are leaving the City in droves. This could be a tragedy for London’s cocaine and strip bar industry.

New House of Commons Beer More Acceptable

Galton Francis
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4
New House of Commons Beer More Acceptable

“This new ale called Crap Totty is more acceptable to us because it has the head of a feminist on the front of it who looks suspiciously like a man, she has a stern puritanical look on her disapproving face and not only that, the beer tastes like weak piss water,” equalities minister, Harriet Harperson, told a hastily convened meeting on beer equality, yesterday outside the Commons restaurant.

Another Labour MP, Dianne Abbot, has also come up against fierce resistance, after demanding that Guiness be renamed ‘Divide and Rule’ where the white froth at the top rules over the majority black stuff at the bottom.

The militant feminists and equality czars in the houses of parliament are now happy that the balance in beer equality has been addressed, especially Ms Green, who failed to declare an interest when tabling an amendment to a bill of her union sponsorship in 2011.

Religious Cult Member Could Be Next President of the United States

Galton Francis
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10
Religious Cult Member Could Be Next President of the United States

These are very dangerous times for Americans. They’ve got the choice of voting for a spendthrift socialist stroke Marxist or a crazed, out of touch, right wing religious cult member, who has little or no understanding about the real world. Obama and Mitt Romney are a recipe for destruction that even Al Qaeda could not wish for more. America is in vast danger and with those candidates, it is a lose lose situation.

“In the U.S Army we call this situation, a ‘cluster f*ck’ because which ever way you go, there ain’t a good outcome. The people have been dealt some bad cards with these electoral candidates, and my guess is, sooner or later, whichever one wins the election will precipitate internal conflict not seen since 1775,” General Dean Patton told the Washington Times.

Mitt Romney, who is set to be the Republican candidate for the 2012 elections is a prominent member of the Mormon church cult which is a sinister sect of Christianity started by an American man who claimed he was having visions of an angel called Moroni in 1823, when in reality he was probably having a schizophrenic illness induced hallucination.

“Mitt Romney and Moroni. Switch the letters around a little and Moroni becomes Romni. The sounds are there. This is how they get their dangerous satanic cult into the physical world. People would soon be worshipping the Church of Romney and they won’t know who they’re really worshipping. People need to wake up, look around you to see these brainwashed automatons walking around with that glazed look in their eyes. Look at these Mormon churches, they look like alien space ships. These people are forced to give away 15% of all their salary to the church, the women are forced to marry as many men as they can. These poor, poor brainwashed lemmings are more wacko than David Koresh’s Waco church, and that’s saying something. You want to vote for Romney, well go ahead Moroni, make my day,” a Capitol Hill insider told CNN on Tuesday.

Fred Goodwin Chess Game: Queen Takes Knight

Galton Francis
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1
Fred Goodwin Chess Game: Queen Takes Knight

“He came in as a Sir and left as a lo-ser,” a palace insider disclosed.

According to Buckingham palace staff, Mr Goodwin was directed to a table in the palace’s games room where he was ordered to sit down at a table where the Queen was sitting and play a game of chess.

“It only took a few minutes, when the Queen decimated Fred the Shred’s pawns and rooks. She then swooped down on his bishops and the coup de grace occurred when she used her queen to take his knight. From then on, it was check mate for Fred as his king had no where to go. He threw down his medal on the floor and slunk away out of the room a de-knighted and shredded Fred,” one of the observers at the palace recalled.

Never mind, at least he still gets to keep his taxpayer funded pension of £693,000 per annum.

Greece: The Gift That Keeps Giving

Galton Francis
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3
Greece: The Gift That Keeps Giving

“First we gave them lots of subsidies, like billions of euros which they spent like water without paying an ounce of tax, then when it came to pay they refused and said their creditors should take a haircut of over 70%. Now that they say they want more spending money and no means to pay it back and they still refuse to pay tax. I tell you, Greece is like a case of the clap, it’s the gift that keeps giving,” a Troika member told Bild magazine.

European Union officials want to take over the Greek budget because the Trojan horse bearing Greeks have left a massive bomb within the gates of the EU.

“The Greek economy is a black cash hole where German taxpayers’ money is dumped and never seen again. This is the reality of the situation, because of instances like cleaners in the Athens subsidised subway getting paid 65,000 euros per annum for a two day week. Greeks retire at the age of 45, whereas most Northern Europeans, especially Germans, retire at 67. In other words, Greece is not sustainable as an economy, because they have no industry like Germany, and they rarely pay any form of tax. Witness the riots they have when they are told to pay tax. Greece is the Achilles heel of the EU, and once it is cut free from the EU, the euro will soar so high that even Zeus will get knocked over,” an EU technocrat, speaking from the ECB said.

This is the point of no return for Greece. Either it gives control to the EU Troika and loses complete sovereignty and dignity but with a small chance of paying back its enormous debts, or it is ejected from the EU and left to rot in obscurity and huge debt. The choice is yours. Choose wisely. What would Plato do?

Twitter Secret Police Could Soon Be Knocking at Your Door

Galton Francis
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2
Twitter Secret Police Could Soon Be Knocking at Your Door

Twitter once used to be the voice of freedom, promoting free speech in countries where there was very little.

Sadly, things have changed since Twitter’s phenomenal success, and they have announced that they will report and censor people who tweet against oppressive regimes to the relevant authorities.

“If you live in places like China, Tibet, Syria, Egypt, Burma or Iran, where torture and imprisonment for speaking out is rife, well you’re shit outta luck. We will happily shop you to the torturers of that regime so that we can increase our revenue within that domain. China is just an example of this, and even though it is a brutal, repressive regime that tortures and murders its citizens simply for speaking, we will not hesitate in reporting twitter users because it is such a huge market for us. You will probably get woken up one night with a truncheon over the head and a black sack being put over you before being thrown into the back of an unmarked van. Happy twittering folks, this is the meaning of social networking, where your every thought is indexed, analysed and then acted on. You just can’t stop doing it though, can you? Well, we have files on all of you now, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Joel Simons, chief operations director for Twitter said on Friday.

Social Surveillance

Within the last ten years, social networking sites have been presented to the public as a way to communicate with each other, but the truth is that these sites are utilised by intelligence agencies all over the world to collate valuable data about the populations and analyse human herd mentality on a scale never before seen.

“Social networking is a great way of gathering information about people that we never had access to before. We used to have to try very hard to get people to reveal some of this information about themselves in the past, but now that everyone is so addicted to social networking, there are not enough people to analyse this treasure trove of information. Remember also that once anyone does something on the internet it is a permanent imprint, it is never erased, therefore your every thought and every word is filed. In the future we will be able to plan your life for you, and predict what you are going to do next simply by looking at your profile. We are also able to utilise social networking as an excellent marketing tool for advertisers, who are sold your information from all of these sites. All in all, social networking is the greatest thing the internet has created for the intelligence communities across the world. Humans can be controlled very easily, and threats to the controllers can be perceived well before the fact, simply by analysing the feeds coming through,” an intelligence analyst for an unnamed agency within the US government disclosed.

Social networking sites like Facebook, give page access to certain government agencies at any point and willingly sell users’ data to advertising agencies and marketeers. This is just a part of the new goldfish system of containment that these companies have developed and will ensure that in the future, even in so-called ‘free societies’ in the West, there may be a point where you might be getting a knock on your door and not some poor Tibetan dissident cowering under their bed.

“The best policy is not to use social networking sites. There is a way out of this. You don’t have to be tricked into this horrific entrapment of humanity. Go speak to people face to face, write private letters, meet people in real life. We need to go back to humanity and not forward like lemmings into surveillance death — as are half the dumbed-down populations,” Gerald Humbold, professor of philosophy at Warwick University, told the Telegraph.

Newt Gingrich in LSD Shocker

Galton Francis
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26
Newt Gingrich in LSD Shocker

“I remember Newt in his trailer before the filming started, he was scooting along the floor talking about blue bubbles and mini mee dragons and the great fuckin’ time he had at executive drug rehab,” Johnson Arnolds, a key grip on the campaign shoot told CBS news.

Things got really weird when Newt got onto the set and started talking.

“He was talking some really weird shit. We tried to tell him to keep to the script but the little rascal kept goofing around with that nonsense shit. In the end we just called it a day and four people had to escort Newt to his trailer because he thought he was on the surface of the moon,” director, Timmy Olsen, revealed.

Some voters have actually applauded Gingrich for his drug taking: “I think he’s cool now. I was at Woodstock, and I know what it’s like to take some bad acid. Man, I was tripping for three weeks solid after that, dang nearly hospitalised me.”

There are calls for Mr Gingrich to be investigated by Drug Enforcement agents, as he was seen taking over six LSD tabs before the shoot.

 

Although he may have acquired a bad batch of acid, and it may have fried his brains permanently, he was still able to conduct himself well at a recent Republican rally in Wisconsin on Tuesday.

“Newt needs help because the acid literally fried his brain. He can’t string a coherent sentence together, I know Bush couldn’t either, but this is worse,” a Republican campaign manager told Fox News.

Newt’s ex-wife was not available for comment.

Come to Britain £26,000 For Not Working and Breast Implants on the NHS

Galton Francis
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10
Come to Britain £26,000 For Not Working and Breast Implants on the NHS

Britain’s porous borders are easy to get through, and there are little or no checks at the airports and ports as millions of people from across the globe come to what used to be Great Britain, for a lifestyle they could only dream about.

£1 Trillion UK Debt

“In Romania, if you make £300 in a year you are considered rich. I come to England to sell Big Issue magazine, and they give me £26,000 benefits, housing benefits, council tax exemption, breast implants on the NHS, veneered teeth on the NHS and I still make £250 a day selling the Big Issue. I send money back to Romania now and I build big f*cking palace. Next year I build two palace and maybe a brothel. Thank you English suckers,” Olga Latvayev, a Romanian woman from Lewisham told the Evening Standard.

An angry worker from Wimbledon said: “All across Britain, there are millions of families with benefits packages costing taxpayers fifty or sixty thousand pounds per annum minimum, and of course, there is no impetus for these people to work. Why should they? Britain’s problems will only get worse and worse as these leeches and feckless useless-eaters are mollycoddled for the rest of their lives, as others have to work to support them.”

Britain is now the sick man of Europe, an over burdened, over crowded piss hole country where no one wants to work.

“You cannot have a Conservative government in a socialist system. Britain will never break its debt burden without kicking the benefits packages to the floor. How can we as a nation get out of massive debt if the money Britain makes goes to prop up the feckless scum who are bleeding the nation dry? There is no way we will ever get out of debt because we have to pay for these useless excuses for human beings, in fact they contribute nothing to society. What’s the point in working when there are millions of people earning £60,000 in benefits and they get to play their playstation 3 consoles on 3D TVs and smoke drugs all day as well as get boozed up? Go into any of these low-life scum’s house and you’ll see that they’ve got all the latest gadgets, not only for themselves but for all their sink estate kids as well. The government is not only encouraging these loathsome broken sub-humans to breed, but is effectively encouraging them to not work,” another angry British worker told the BBC.

Britain has a socialist welfare system, which was effectively proposed by William Beveridge in the 1940s for post-war Britain and adapted by Labour’s Clement Attlee, when he came into power in 1945. That system is now outdated, and has been exploited to the point of reproach.

“If the system is socialist, then you can’t have a Conservative government come into that very system and try to govern. This will not be possible, because the system is socialist. The only way a Conservative government can therefore govern, is to break the socialist system and to replace it with a system that works and is profitable for the nation. Beveridge was a eugenicist, and espoused that those who receive benefits should not be allowed to breed. Maybe we need to adopt these original methods of controlling the reproduction of the sub-classes. If you want to go on benefits, we will first sterilize you. Socialist systems only work when there is money poured into them. When other people’s money runs out, then the socialist system stops working. This is one thing we have to tell the Fabians,” a Whitehall insider told the Times.

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