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Boris Johnson Telephones Darius Guppy Again

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According to BBC studio workers who overheard Boris Johnson on the phone after the interview on Sunday, someone’s going to pay a heavy price for those questions.

After the fateful Sunday interview, Mr Johnson did not waste any time getting on the phone to his old friend Guppy and revealing the home address of Eddie Mair, the BBC interviewer who gave Bo Jo such a bloody hard time.

“I want you to get the boys with their knuckle dusters and cricket bats to break both of his legs, some ribs and give the rude little oik who doesn’t know his place a darn good thrashing. Don’t forget to kick him in the knackers as well for good effect,” Boris was overheard telling his pal on the phone just after leaving the studio.

If I was you Eddie Mair I’d be careful walking down your road because the London Mayor has your address.

Labour Sends BBC Rottweiler After Boris

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As an attack, it was very well orchestrated and deadly with an added theatrical effect that had audiences gripped with anticipation.

Sunday ambush

“To see old Boris Johnson squirming like a mangy dog on the sofa was thouroughly unpleasant to watch, that is unless you are a Labour-ite socialist oik,” a friend of Boris told the Telegraph last night.

The BBC, naturally a champion of Labour’s manifesto, showed its audiences what it thinks of the Tories, but what if a Tory was actually behind the kicking of Boris?

“No doubt this has the paw prints of the Cameron corner all over it. It was a fresh gutting there on the sofa of a fellow Bullingdon boy, but it may have backfired because it seems that Boris is even more likeable now and a serious contender to the Conservative throne.” a Tory insider revealed.

Russian Bear Gets a Good Kicking From Tiny Island Cyprus

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Southern Cyprus may be a tiny piece of land in the Mediterranean ocean but it has inflicted a massive hit on the huge behemoth Mother Russia with a bank grab on depositors netting billions of Russian euros.

“Like David and Goliath, we have tamed the Russian bear with one fell swoop. We took your money you Russkie bastards. Don’t mess with the Greeks in the EU,” Costas Malakas, a restaurant owner from Limassol told Greek Daily News.

There is jubilation on the island as the credit crisis has been averted after much procrastination.

“We took 40% of their cash. Those Russkies got hammered bad. I hope they’re ok about us taking their billions,” a jovial Greek Cypriot politician said looking over his shoulder nervously.

Nicos Papalopoudopous, a jubilant shop owner from Nicosia said: “Russians who were suckered into our Greek Cypriot honey trap must feel like asses right now. They were led to the slaughter like sheep in a pen. With interest rates from our crooked banks as high as 10% if they did not know this was a honey trap they must’ve been stupid. It’s your fault you vodka swilling Russian losers. Remember the old saying, ‘Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts’ well how about that for a gift?”

Summer Coming in 2018 Say Experts

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There was more good news today from the Met office on the weather situation as it transpires that we’re going to get a British summer in 2018.

Speaking from London’s Weather Centre, Dr. Fitzgerald Sapmelch said: “Our calculations predict three days of sunshine some time in 2018. It will probably be in August or September if we’re lucky. Expect temperatures as high as 16 degrees celcius for about three or four days.”

On hearing of the wonderful news on all media, people were said to be ecstatic and already planning what they are going to do on those three days of sunshine.

“I can’t wait to see the sun for a few days. I think I’ll just get a deck chair in my garden and sit there and look at the sun with a drink in my hand. I shall look up at the sky and stand there in awe as the sun’s rays beam down onto me,” Sharon Tittletattle, from Hertfordshire told the BBC.

What are you going to do on the three days of sunshine in 2018? Please tell us your stories below. The best answer will get an all expenses paid trip to Southern Cyprus.

EU CYPRUS CRISIS: British Expats Urged Not to Take Their Money Out of Spain

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“We urge you all to keep your money in Spanish banks because it is about as safe as a choir boy bending over in a Catholic church vestry. Please do not worry, when the banks open on Tuesday in Cyprus, everyone will keep their money in there and it won’t all be taken out in a massive frenzy,” Robert Tarreton, a Home Office spokesman in Spain told the BBC World Service.

There is no threat of contagion or panic! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Get out NOW!!!! PANIC!!

Eurocrats were quick to assure depositors that they would not do the same thing in Spain as they did in Cyprus with a forced levy.

“We have your best interests at heart. We care about you and your money. Hmm, there must be a lot more money in Spain than Cyprus. Hmmm, I wonder if we could do the same thing as Cyprus. What can you do about it? Nada, nothing. Nah, don’t worry we would never take 40% of your life savings, he,he,he,he!” an unnamed unelected eurocrat revealed on Saturday.

So please keep your money in Spanish banks, there is nothing to worry about, AAAaaargh! There is no need to panic and get your cash out as soon as possible while you still have a chance! You don’t need to transfer it back to the UK pronto! Do not PANIC!!! There is nothing to worry about before the massive capital flight starts from EU banks soon.

Oligarchs in Hotel Fight Cause Billions Pounds Damage

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“It was hell. The oligarchs just went crazy when one of them started to brag about his billions and pulled out a huge wad of cash from his pocket,” the hotel’s bell boy revealed.

In addition to the dining hall, the ballroom and hotel’s reception, several levels were trashed and some of the oligarchs even dropped wads of cash around.

“I’ve never seen so much money on the floor. Well, it was blood, hair and money strewn all over the expensive broken décor,” Mrs Janice Smith, 54, who had gone to have a cup of tea and scones at the hotel’s dining room.

The hotel manager explained his take on the situation: “In the old days it used to be rock stars doing the damage but now that the music biz is an insipid lame pool of mediocrity, it is the oligarchs having their destructive fun.”

Some even suggested that the Bullingdon club may have attended briefly but this was dismissed as the evidence clearly leads to the Russians.

Taylor Swift Looking For New Song Material

Taylor Swift is looking for new song material for her latest album which will no doubt fly off the shelves to pre-pubescent girls when it comes out next week.

“She’s a fast worker, she can come up with an album in less than a week,” an executive from her record company told Rolling Stone magazine.

By noon yesterday queues of eager men were snaking around the building where Taylor Swift was located reports from local news stations said.

One man in the queue, Ed Gaines, 38, from Nashville said: “Amon getta chance to be on a Taylor Swift a’bum, uh huh. Can’t wait to get on her and getta work, then when am furnished, she gawn chuck me outta the room and git the next boy in.”

Bailiffs Turn Up at George Osborne’s House

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“I was walking my dog when I saw the bailiffs turn up outside George’s flat. They practically broke his door down I heard a lot of effin’ and blindin’, this that and the other. Soon after they went in they came out with his telly and a few bits’n’bobs. It’s a sad state of affairs innit, we’re all in the red and looks like so is he,” Arthur Daley, 56, one of the residents on Osborne’s street revealed to the BBC.

According to reports, the Chancellor has not been paying his bills and the high cost of living in London is having an effect on nearly everyone.

“It’s London’s cost of living innit? I know that Osborne probably gets a fair bit in gov. pay, but I’ve also heard he’s partial to a bit of gambling not just on the frigging UK budget but at home too, more so than that mentalist Brown ever was,” another resident on the same street revealed.

Finance Experts: Cypriot Rejection of Bank Levy Means Bank Depositors Could Lose Everything

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“There are a few reasons all banks will be shut for the next week in Cyprus. Firstly, there would be capital flight en masse, then there would be financial melt down because a lot of the money that depositors put into the Southern Greek banking system does not exist any more. It was lost to the Greek bond bailouts. So if you as a depositor put your life savings into one of these banks, the bank used your money already. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it because the banks themselves are bankrupt unless they get more money from the ECB to pay depositors. This is the reason they cannot open the banks again because there is nothing to give to you,” a Laiki Bank official said from his luxury yacht moored in Paphos.

Because Greek Cypriot ministers rejected the proposed bank levy, the liquidity in the Cyprus banking system is now zero, or minus.

“We now stand to lose the whole deposit of our accounts because of the rejection of the 10% bank levy. I guess we will have to kiss Russian ass huh,” a depressed kebab shop owner told Cyprus Daily newspaper.

EU officials were said to be actually quite glad that the Cypriots rejected the deal and look forward to the next round of events.

Could Cyprus Be End of Eurozone?

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The Assyrians first took the island in 721 BC from the primitive hunter gatherers, and then the Egyptians in 570 BC then later on by the Persians around 545 BC. After a long succession of civilisations over history the tiny little island is still divided and now claimed by the modern Greeks after their attempt of mass genocide in 1964 and 1974 on the minority 18% Muslim population subsequently thwarted by the UN and Turkish army.

There has never been a nation or civilisation that has managed to hold on to the islands indefinitely and this is why its sheer volatility within the region is an important factor for the eurozone currency and ultimately the world economy.

Contagion

The EU led by Germany has asked for a bank levy on the crooked Greek Cypriot banks brimming with laundered cash from the Russian Mafiosi. The Troika thought they would have their pound of flesh via a 10% forced taxation on all bank accounts, but they underestimated the nature of the Greek Cypriots, who do not like to pay tax let alone a levy on their savings. Furthermore, by crossing the Russian mafia, you will incur the wrath of Putin and his network of Russki thugs and hit men. Does the EU need the hassle of this hornets nest? Better for Merkel to drop this one like a hot potato, take the loss and move on.

The only slight drawback to dropping Southern Cyprus from the eurozone would be Greece maybe causing a scene. This may be a good excuse to drop them as well and cut the losses there. As for Italy and Spain, it would be better for the ECB and Merkel to put all their efforts into keeping them in the EU and not waste anymore precious euros on the profligate states who are just a cash black hole with no industry or will to cooperate.