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Russian Android Fuelled By Vodka

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The team’s goal is to help humanity achieve immortality by 2045 using a combination of vodka and interstellar travel to create a Russian universal utopia.

“We will be able to achieve immortality by transferring our drunk vodka swilled minds into an avatar. The good thing about this is that there will not be any need for a liver and the androids will be permanently pissed on the finest Stolichnaya. This is the future of humanity. Imagine being drunk for eternity and not having to deal with death or jaundice. George Best would have loved this one, shame it’s a little too late for him, poor bastard,” Russian tycoon Dmitry Drinkski, who is funding and heading the project, told Russian news agencies Tuesday.

The android/avatars will mirror the human form of the person who wants their sozzled mind transferred and will have tubes permanently siphoning pure vodka into their fuel cells.

“I like a drink, everyone in Russia will be able to live and drink forever as a vodka swilling latex avatar. I am so excited about this project. Excuse me while I have another swig,” Mr Drinkski said before downing a large pint glass of vodka, then projectile vomiting into a small paper cup.

Latest Saatchi Ad Campaign Targets Domestic Violence

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The poster’s design is a picture of a man choking a woman outside a divorce court. Above it is the slogan “The Saatchi marriage isn’t working” with the phrase “Nigella’s better off with someone else” in a smaller text below.

The campaign has been a huge success as it is viewed as bringing awareness to domestic violence issues especially against women.

The man responsible for the ad campaign, Charles Saatchi said: “I was choking my wife’s neck in a restaurant in full view of everyone and I thought to myself as I squeezed, and squeezed, and squeezed that this would be a great image for the recent campaign we were running for our domestic violence client.”

The hard hitting poster has certainly worked nationally with the subject of domestic violence now being discussed all over Britain’s media.

New Superman Movie is a New Superman Movie

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“That’s what it says on the package and after seeing the film, this is what it is. We got ourselves a new Superman film,” Woody Baum, a film critic revealed after watching the new Superman film.

One moviegoer was intrigued by the film: “Why would you put a plank of wood in the new Superman movie? Hey, I saw Kevin Costner in there.”

Let’s all watch the same move over and over again.

NSA Leaker Could Have Memorial Statue in Washington DC

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“Many years from now Edward Snowden, will be looked upon as one of the greatest American patriots that lived and died for his country. He exposed the evil corruption and tyranny that built up within the former United States of America. What he did was courageous beyond words because the machinery of totalitarian oppression that calls itself the Obama administration was severely disrupted by his actions. My fellow Americans, I stand here and ask you, do you want to do something for your country or do you want to just sit there and ignore this sh*t? Do you want to live in a nation where we are not allowed our opinions, freedom of expression and most of all privacy? Do you want to live in a country that has set up checkpoints everywhere and listening devices? Don’t just stand there, do something. Don’t turn yella, get some damn balls, stand up. I fought in Iwo Jima for something and you should fight too. Don’t let my buddies who died going up those hills die for nothing. For god’s sake let us do something here. This is a turning point in history. We have seen what they want to do to us and they are treating us, we the f*cking people, with contempt — NOT respect,” Alfred Neuhart, 94, a world war II veteran and decorated war hero told people on the steps of the George Washington memorial in Washington DC today.

Nathan Hale

By not doing anything to stop the cowardly snooping, America is taking totalitarian strides towards a complete surveillance state. Since Obama has been in power, surveillance on ordinary Americans has increased by over 800% much like the gas price.

And it is not only mass surveillance that is curtailing American freedom but Soviet techniques of political correctness which aim to limit free speech.

“Edward Snowden will probably not make it to the end of the year, because the machinery of the state is working against him and trying to kill him wherever he goes. He exposed them, and that is punishable by death, they’re going to erase him from the earth, but the saddest part of this will be the people of the US will probably accept his erasure and simply carry on as if nothing happened,” a sad American said from his sofa.

Tulisa to Perform For Court Judge on Cocaine Case

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“She’s used to performing for judges so she can get roles on TV, so she’s going to visit the judge’s house before her court case. This is quite a well rehearsed routine for Tulisa and she is guaranteed to get what she wants,” a Music Biz insider revealed today.

The talented starlet is used to getting her own way and will go to the judge’s house armed with her own x-factor knee pads which have ensured her meteoric rise in the music industry.

“It’s a tried and tested method she has used for years, and she is no stranger to the white stuff,” her agent and drug dealer boyfriend, Biggie Blackcox, told the Sun.

Tony Blair Strikes Gold in China

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“Deng Dong! I’ve struck gold,” Mr Blair announced yesterday after a few months of serious digging.

“If you dig deep enough into the mine, you eventually strike gold. I have a good spade, and I have been careful in the mine shaft, but now I can add China to my worldwide portfolio,” Mr Blair added.

During his gold digging exploration Tony Blair caught a serious case of Dengue fever though and at one time was laid out for two weeks.

Mr Blair’s wife Cherie said: “I nursed our Tony back to rude health and soon he was back out there digging for gold deep in the Chinese mine. What a top notch hubby he is.”

Close friend to Tony Blair and Media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch said: “Tony’s been digging deep in the Chinese mines. I told him if he finds any gold, to give us a bit because I haven’t had any for bloody ages.”

Cameron to Feed His Kids GMO Food

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He’s already lost one child, why not the others? Surely, this rather cruel jibe by an anti-GMO food lobbyist is below the belt, but is it warranted under the circumstances of the toxic nature of GMO?

The Prime Minister said he wanted to foster a “pro-science culture” in the UK by feeding his own children GMO foods, in other words he had received orders from Monsanto and the US that he had to push through the ‘Frankenstein Food’ that will increase levels of cancer and present food to the public with little or no nutritional value.

The comments come ahead of a major speech by Environment secretary Owen Paterson on Thursday next week which is set to signal a change in GM policy.

“The amount of pesticides that are pumped into GMO foods are deadly and may increase crop yield but invariably leach into the food. We’re talking seriously carcinogenic toxins that will poison the populations even further. Genetically modified food also serves another purpose, it weakens the populations because the base nutrients are taken out of the food. This is why we are having a dumbed down population explosion because kids are not getting the necessary nutrients for normal brain growth. This is why we are getting an explosion in untreatable cancers, autism in kids and deficient health. The elite, of course do not eat GMO and they get their water from different supplies to the rest of the population,” a Health Ministry worker revealed yesterday.

The Coalition has allowed small-scale cultivation trials for GM food and are now planning widespread GMO crop cultivation.

Mr Cameron added: “Science always has the answer to population control. Remember what Zbigniew Brzezinski said ‘it is infinitely easier to to kill a million people than to control a million people. It is easier to kill than to control….’ and this is what GMO does — it kills slowly but surely.”

20th Century Fox Film Review ‘Farewell My Little Concubine’

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The latest Rom-Com from Fox will have you glued to the edge of your seat, just don’t forget the tube of super glue when you go to the cinema.

The plot revolves around an 82-year-old media tycoon who pays for a young concubine for one night but ends up keeping her for a little while longer before discarding her.

‘Farewell My Little Concubine’ is a tour de force of amazing power struggles, a hacking espionage flick showcasing an empire’s rise and decline plus some amazing fight scenes as the beautiful concubine protects her ageing master during a court hearing.

“I went to see this film and thought it was awful, especially the part where the concubine was ordered to clean her master’s balls before a press conference. I mean, did they have to show that? Was it really necessary?” a shocked cinema-goer at a test screening revealed yesterday.

Thankfully ‘Farewell My Little Concubine’ will be scheduled for general release in 2035 or maybe never.

If You Ever Lose Your Bookmarks At Least Now You Can Just Ask the NSA

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“I had a problem with my HD and wiped everything last night by mistake. I had all my financial records on there for my company and some crucial templates. Well, I just called the NSA and they sent me an up-to-date copy of everything from last night. This is incredible, thank you so much,” Dean Albright, 57, a CEO of an online bakery in Chicago told CNN.

These are truly amazing times we are living in now where your every move is tracked, logged and stored for generations to come.

“I phoned the CIA up and told them I lost all my browser bookmarks going back to 2010. They sent me a monthly report of everything I’d been up to since that time, and an analysis of my surfing habits as well as a prediction of what I would be up to within the next week. To say I was gobsmacked is putting it lightly,” George Orwell, told CBS Tech news last night.

Islamist Turkey PM Wants to Outlaw Belly Dancing Girls

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Since Erdogan’s Islamist party has been in power, the country has reverted from its secular nature and now resembles Iran.

“We are now living under a Totalitarian Islamic Dictatorship with women going around with head scarves and any dissent to the state or Islam being punished severely.

“The founder of modern Turkey modernised the country to look West and break the restrictive shackles of religion, but now this Erdogan guy is taking us back to the dark ages.

“The way forward is not in slavery, but free thought, free speech and most of all freedom to dress how we please,” an unarmed Turkish woman said before being tear gassed in the face by some thugs in uniform.

 

By reverting the nation socially and morally back to Medieval Islamic practices and customs, Erdogan is going against the grain of progress.

Some say that it is the EU’s fault by dangling the carrot of EU membership for so long, there is no way in hell the EU ‘Crusaders’ would ever allow a Muslim nation into the fold.

Therefore, Erdogan is now looking East, and economically the prospects have been better but there is a big price to pay culturally and the country’s secular roots.

While Greece and other parts of Europe are now in serious financial dire straits, Turkey’s economy is steaming ahead and they are making deals with non-EU nations, but for how much longer can they sustain the economic rise with daily riots?

“Instead of acting like Khomeini, Erdogan should be acting like the Shah. Religion should be for the home and mosque not pushed down our throats everywhere. Don’t go backwards into the darkness but go forwards into the light and most of all don’t mess with the Turkish belly dancing chicks on telly,” an angry anti-dictatorship protestor, Ali Abdullah, 39, said from Taksim Square, Istanbul, yesterday before being dragged away and beaten to a pulp by security officials.