Nothing sums up American society better than the Infomercial. It is part of their consumer culture.
“You can sell an American a twig from a tree if you put it in an Infomercial and give it a $19.95 price tag. That’s the beauty of living and doing business in America. I love it. God bless this country. My bank balance loves it too,” a businessman from Ohio said on his Infomercial selling twigs.
An excited Michelle Obama announced the new cook yesterday at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.
“I am pleased to announce our new cook. She is going to give us some true Southern style cooking.”
Paula Deen, who recently retired from the Food Network, is an expert cook and loves nothing better then to put a tub of butter in a pan and cook up those chitterlings like a pro.
“When I heard that I got the job I said some words beginning with N, and I got out my Soul Food book and started studying. You know, it’s gonna be like cooking for the work on the old plantation. I’m gonna make sure the Obama family is well catered for so they can spend our hard earned tax dollars vacationing in Europe. Gee, I can’t wait to start!” an excited Paula Deen said whilst cracking a whip on one of her negro waiters in her restaurant in Alabama.
It may be pissing down with twenty different shades of rain and the water droplets are so large they thud loudly and hurt you when they hit the top of your head.
Do not despair, the Daily Squib is here to rescue the situation and we will show you how to have that perfect British summer barbecue.
All you need to do is get the delicious food ready and you’ll soon be on your way.
The Daily Squib British Summer Barbecue Tips
1) Booking a flight outside the UK is easy these days. You can do it on the internet or you can go to a local travel agent that has not gone out of business on your High Street. Once you book your flight, simply get on the plane with your food and when you arrive at the sunny destination of your choice, you can have a lovely barbie. A word of caution though, do not try and have a barbecue in the airport at the arrivals terminal or you could be in for a surprise.
2) Wait for next summer, or if that one is bad, wait for another summer. This could go on for the next ten or twenty years, but the wait will be worthwhile.
3) Moving to another sunnier country is not a problem, that is if you are willing to put up with the natives, and you can have a barbecue every day as opposed to only two days in a five year period in the UK.
4) Have a wet barbecue. Make sure to pre-cook the barbecue meat first in a frying pan, then take it out into the rain and put it onto your barbecue.
5) Don’t have a barbecue. This is the simplest way of dealing with the problem. Instead, why not opt for a ready-made meal from a superstore or better still, a takeaway curry with a few tinnies sitting in front of the telly. Job done.
“We married in 1981 and she was the picture of beauty, young with porcelain skin, but now I’m afraid she looks like an old leather bag found in the castle attic,” the Prince Charles remarked, before getting into the royal chauffeur driven limousine.
There are rumours in the Palace that all is not well with the Prince and his wife.
“We have unconfirmed reports from Palace aides that the Prince may be thinking about trading his old model in for a newer one. These are of course unconfirmed rumours and cannot be substantiated at this time,” a Royal correspondent for the BBC revealed today.
“One of our spies was..er..spying and that’s why we..er..charged him with spying,” an unidentified spokesman said from a bush outside the Pentagon.
These are serious allegations against the spy and if he is caught and charged for spying he could be in trouble.
“He was spying. Now that’s a crime because we trained him to spy on millions of Americans and he spied on us instead. We need to catch him and rewire his goddamn brain, the daft git,” another unnamed spook revealed.
It seems there’s a lot of spying going on these days.
“We’re going to post it all on the internet so we can show people that there is truly nothing to hide from. Privacy in the digital age is non existent anyway and I think people will feel liberated and relieved by my new directive,” President Obama said from his multi-million dollar European vacation.
The publication of millions of emails will be the first strand in the program and the US government is also working with the UK’s spy agency GCHQ to do the same for Britain.
Members of the public were strangely sanguine and accepting of the new ruling.
“I welcome all my private emails being published on the internet by the government. I’m a narcissistic exhibitionist anyway as all my Facebook friends already know,” Julia Sentermo, a student from Tulsa, Oklahoma told Fox News.
President Obama then went on to say: “We’re truly bringing the world together. It’s good to talk. We’ve been reading your stuff for years, and now everyone will be reading what we’ve been reading. Have fun folks.”
“Short everything Bernanke just hit the mic,” a Wall Street trader shouted from the pits yesterday.
What is it with Bernanke one minute they’re telling you everything is great and everyone should pile into the stock market and next the bottom falls out?” a disgruntled investor said nursing a headache and a seriously depleted portfolio.
Another panicking investor remarked: “The end of QE means the end of easy money for the bankers, because they’re the only ones who benefit from it. No one else does.”
The mild hiccup in 2008, touted as the worst crisis in fifty years, was a small tremor, and the real earthquake has not yet hit. The reaction to the financial tremor in 2008 was a blitz of Quantitative Easing, however the treatment was worse than the ailment and if the economists had simply let the tremor run its course allowing the weak financial institutions to fail we would be out of the mess by now. Instead, world economists made the problem worse with QE and we are soon going to receive an earthquake so large that it may not be recoverable. Maybe this was planned in the first place.
“Sooner or later they’re going to have to stop printing money. What happens then? Well, we go back to 2008 times a thousand. It’s very simple, China’s credit bubble is close to popping already, and America’s top heavy debt mountain will topple. It’s just physics. There’s nothing anyone can do about it. You cannot prop up a failed system or financial institutions like the US, UK tried to do, they were only buying time,” Giles Hansen, an expert in geo-economics at the Global Economics Forum think tank revealed.
Such fatalistic rhetoric may be swept under the carpet by many, but there are people who know what is going on quietly preparing themselves.
“After 2008, we realised that the old world system is defunct. The New World Order cannot come into being with something that is unworkable. The consumer led societies of yesterday are redundant and the elite want to move forward fast. If it takes total war and destruction or a lab created virus, they are prepared for the collateral damage of the populations that are currently sustaining them with tax revenue. Technological singularity has now made the consumer redundant, and the elite will in the future look for robotic slaves that do not need to be entertained or mollycoddled. The tax cash cows were used to achieve technological supremacy for the elite. The eminent Bertrand Russell, and Aldous Huxley all knew what was to come as did George Orwell,” another researcher on the project revealed.
It’s not all bad news though; according to the economic experts, the world will once again return to a sustainable future after the problem is solved leaving only a select few elite to enjoy living in Elysium.
“I used to be a smug piece of sh*t in a cheap grey suit with no conscience and would happily rip renters and landlords off with astronomical fees for basically doing bugger all, but one day I looked down at my shoes and started crying uncontrollably,” the reformed letting agent revealed.
According to the tribunal minutes, the former letting agent then asked his manager if he could reduce the tenancy set up fee of £800 for a struggling newly wed couple, but was dismissed on the spot.
“I’ve ripped off so many people, and this is going on day in day out. These crooked lettings companies are making huge profits from thin air off the misery of ordinary people. I would much rather be unemployed as I am now than continue the daylight robbery.”
One tenant said: “I’m glad one of them got a consicience but the majority of lettings agents are parasites, leeches and scum. Every time I see a dog turd on a street I say to myself, there lies another letting agent.”
Just dial NSA PIZZA stating your social security number and you will not only get a piping hot pizza with your favourite toppings but if they’re two minutes late then they’ll throw in a side order of something you ordered in 2004.
“This is the most amazing service because you never actually see who delivers your pizza either. It like magically turns up on your doorstep and all you see is an unmarked government registered vehicle leaving your house at great speed. They got my favourite toppings and I hate garlic dip so they left that out too,” a pleased customer from the Fort George G. Meade area told local news crews reporting on the amazing story.
The covert NSA pizza delivery service is guaranteed to give you a smile and a full belly every time, just don’t ask too many questions about it.
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