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Ex Bottom of League NHS Surgeon Now Daily Squib Writer

John Adams
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Ex Bottom of League NHS Surgeon Now Daily Squib Writer

“You may be an NHS surgeon with a scalpel skill level of a rhinoceros, well all is not lost, you can still get a job at the Squib,” our sub sub sub editor, Jules Malcontent revealed today.

The Squib office is all too eager to employ the NHS butter fingered surgeons who are so bad that the NHS allows them to hide their high death rates.

“When I was working as an NHS surgeon, I was bottom of the league table but at the Daily Squib I’m worth something. It doesn’t matter that I can’t write a coherent sentence and cannot even hold a pen or type. Thank you Squib for employing me,” Dr. Ralph Stabber said from his toilet cubicle desk.

Think Tank: EU Referendum Votes Will Not Count

John Adams
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Think Tank: EU Referendum Votes Will Not Count

“When you have senior Tories like Douglas Hurd, Ken Clarke and Leon Brittan saying the UK should stay in the EU, then you know the hierarchy have already got things stitched up. Add in the variables of a constant media blitz from Britain’s EU masters ordering the UK Press to compile articles espousing the benefits of EU membership, and many of the people are now pro EU. If things turn awry and there is a negative vote, then they will simply either order a recount or make the whole vote up. Such is the power of the EU over Britain and the financial clout that it wields, there will be no choice for the UK. There may never be a referendum anyway because if Labour wins the 2015 election, they will scrap the referendum as it has no legal basis. Even the Royals have accepted the EU, and the euro currency because it will merely mean alignment with their heartland — Germany,” Edmund Spicer, revealed in a recent report.

Further EU agitation of course comes from staunch europhile Cameron, the BBC and naturally Labour.

“Once the EU referendum is stitched up, this is the green light to dump the GBP and bring in the euro currency. By then, Britain would be completely defeated as a nation and the silent Soviet revolution would be complete. Not one shot will be fired for this defeat. It will in fact be hailed as a victory,” another key researcher on the project added.

Ed Balls to Ban All Red Lights When Labour Elected

John Adams
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“As you all know, I have a slight aversion to red lights. I like to tear through them at high speed on my way home from parliament. That’s why I want to ban red lights. It’s going to be green all the way, especially at crossroad junctions. You can’t say that Labour is not thinking of road users. We want to get Britain moving again,” Mr Balls said from a six car pileup in Westminster today.

The Conservatives were however not so happy about what the Labour Chancellor plans to do if Labour wins the election.

Speaking from his bicycle in Islington, Mayor Boris Johnson said: “Absolute tosh. This Ed Balls chap is one ball short of a hairy sack. What about us cyclists, we’ve been running red lights all the time, now he’s saying that cars can do it too?”

Queen’s New Buckingham Palace Extension Raising Eyebrows

John Adams
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Queen’s New Buckingham Palace Extension Raising Eyebrows

“One must understand that one has to have one’s room. This is why one has seen fit to extend one’s palace a little especially since one has had a pay rise. Shut up Charles, stop sulking in the corner,” the Queen said at a recent press engagement showing off the new extended buildings.

In addition to a few skyscrapers rising above the original palace building the Queen has even seen fit to add about five helicopter pads and a special room even for Fergie.

“Well, the Queen was feeling a little sorry for Fergie who’s currently homeless, so she built her a room in one of the skyscrapers. It’s far away from the normal royal residence so no one will see her,” a palace spokesman revealed to the BBC.

Keith Richards Says He’s Going to Survive Glastonbury

John Adams
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“If I can stay alive for three more days during the festival and not croak it will be a serious bonus for me,” the frazzled old rocker told the Glasto Times.

Keith Richards is a marvel of medical science and has ingested more drugs than the entire subcontinent of North America.

The Rolling Stone’s personal physician, Doctor Louis Cypher revealed the secrets of the guitar legend’s longevity: “In the mornings we pump his veins with copious amounts of narcotics, we’re talking quantities that could make a herd of elephants drop dead. That gets him out of bed. Then when it’s lunch time he has a full blood transplant where we replace his system with fresh Bourbon. He’s ready to go then.”

No UK ‘Double Dip’ Recession During Great Depression

John Adams
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No UK ‘Double Dip’ Recession During Great Depression

“We revised the figures again to show that we actually never had a ‘double dip’ although Britain’s economy is in a Great Depression with millions of people out of work and a drastic fall in household disposable income, as well as savings. In other words, if you’ve got any money in the bank it’s practically worthless,” an ONS statistician revealed today.

The UK’s trade deficit increased by £4.7 billion and one only has to look at the High Street to see how Britain is really doing.

Boarded up shops, dole queues at the local off licence and betting shops tell a different story to the chipper news from the Office of National Statistics.

“It’s great, I’ve got a Masters in Geophysics and I’ve been employed as a road sweeper for the past year since graduation. Life can’t be better,” a recent graduate told the Daily Telegraph.

New Credit Cards For the Homeless Initiative Hailed a Success

John Adams
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New Credit Cards For the Homeless Initiative Hailed a Success

“If I ever need a brew, I just flash my card and I get a few tins to last me a few hours,” Alfred Thompson, 54, a homeless man who lives under Waterloo bridge told the BBC.

Having a credit card when you’re homeless really does ease the pain, and it’s all thanks to the many credit card companies who have stepped in as a gesture towards London’s homeless.

“We hope to provide as many homeless people with credit cards so they can spend, spend, spend,” one of the credit card companies involved in the scheme revealed.

As of yet there has not been any information released as to how the homeless will pay back the credit cards, but the companies involved say that they give credit cards to absolutely anyone and homeless people should not be discriminated against.

Genetically Modified Food Could Walk Into Your Mouth

John Adams
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Genetically Modified Food Could Walk Into Your Mouth

“You ever seen a piece of celery walk up your arm, then gently pop into your open mouth? Well, we have GM vegetables and fruits that can sprout legs and walk to your waiting mouth saving you a whole lot of trouble. The old days of knives and forks are over folks, welcome to the future,” professor Harold Fenster, project leader on the GM Food Trotter project told New Scientist magazine.

Depending on how hungry a person is, the GM food has different levels of speed and urgency in which it will find its way to your mouth.

“You might be late for work. No problem, just tap on the table three times and the GM food hurries up. A word of caution though, you don’t want to tap too much or you could choke with GM food traffic,” another scientist on the project revealed.

The new GM food will be available in shops in 2016 after further tests are completed.

Tories to Leave Note to Next Labour Government Saying ‘Here’s the Money Spend It’

John Adams
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Tories to Leave Note to Next Labour Government Saying ‘Here’s the Money Spend It’

“Labour spent everything, we’re currently trying to fix their mess, so we’re going to leave them a kind letter stating that we clawed back some money in the Treasury and they can spend it all again on their tin pot socialist projects and cronyistic spendthrift ways,” the Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne revealed.

The Tory letter will be left in one of the Treasury drawers and there will also be a blank cheque of taxpayers money to spend on foreign holidays, pork pies (if two jags Prescott is reinstated) as well as tonnes of cash for 47 inch 3D TVs for every long-term unemployed person in the UK.

Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls said: “We can’t wait. When we come into power in 2015 we will continue our goal to bankrupt Britain even further.”

Putin a Secret American Patriot

John Adams
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Putin a Secret American Patriot

“I have a confession to make. I have always been an American patriot. I want you to uphold your right to freedom of speech and the constitution as laid out by your American founding fathers. Unlike your current president, Obama who has trashed the constitution and holds the American public with contempt and disrespect, I as a Russian am a True American Patriot. God bless America and its constitution. Thou shalt have the right to bear arms, thou shalt have the right to NOT be needlessly searched, thou shalt have the right to freedom of expression, thou shalt have the right to go about ones daily business without mass surveillance, infringement and persecution. Your current president is a commie bastard. I never thought I would say that, and I think Americans should take their goddamn country back from that Stasi piece of lying дерьмо!” Russian president Vladimir Putin said on a television address on Tuesday.

Obama’s sanctimonious calls to country’s like China and Russia to curb surveillance and increase internet freedom are rather redundent at the moment after the mask was pulled off by American hero Edward Snowden.

Former Obama voter, Ron Washington said: “Obama fooled me and millions of Americans. Hell, I don’t think he’s even a full born and bred American, like was he born here? This guy should stop with the Stasi surveillance and checkpoints. The American people are not the enemy. Quit with the destruction of the American constitution. You ain’t a goddamn toe nail on the founders. Not even one hair on your body is worth what they wrote in the constitution. We, the people are not the enemy you humourless mangy dog. Now go on git. In Texas we have a saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, er…shame on me. Looks like I got fooled twice. Shame on me.”

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