17.7 C
London
Monday, February 2, 2026
secret satire society
HomeEntertainmentKeith Richards Says He's Going to Survive Glastonbury

Keith Richards Says He’s Going to Survive Glastonbury

GLASTONBURY - England - This year's Glastonbury festival is going to be a real stonker, and Keith Richards is determined to survive it.

ai

“If I can stay alive for three more days during the festival and not croak it will be a serious bonus for me,” the frazzled old rocker told the Glasto Times.

Keith Richards is a marvel of medical science and has ingested more drugs than the entire subcontinent of North America.

The Rolling Stone’s personal physician, Doctor Louis Cypher revealed the secrets of the guitar legend’s longevity: “In the mornings we pump his veins with copious amounts of narcotics, we’re talking quantities that could make a herd of elephants drop dead. That gets him out of bed. Then when it’s lunch time he has a full blood transplant where we replace his system with fresh Bourbon. He’s ready to go then.”

  Do you value freedom?

SUPPORT THE DAILY SQUIB We fight for freedom, justice, satire and coffee.    
  • First they came for the Satirists
  • And I did not speak out
  • Then they came for the...
  • ai
    - Advertisment - proton vpn

    NEWS ON THE HOUR

    ai

    MORE NEWS

    THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

    The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!