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The Big Bang Could Have Been a Little Bang Say Scientists

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“Actually looking through the data we have collated since the 1970s, we can now see that the Big Bang was more of a little puff of galactic burpage. Like the universe expanded out at low velocity from a very mild bang. If you ever heard a bubble gum burst it would be quieter than that, but slightly louder than a faint hand clap. Oh wait, there’s no sound in space, scratch that analogy. There would have been a faint smoky light, not more than that emitted from a tiny birthday cake candle. That’s what I meant,” professor Ernest Winklebottom, told a group of scientists at this year’s annual Science Symposium.

According to the standard theory, our universe sprang into existence with a “Big Bang” around 13.7 billion years ago. We now know that the Big Bang was like a tiny puff of smoke and the universe slowly eased out of that little whiff like a spoonful of jam flopping on the floor with an unremarkable splat.

Obama Admin Tells Zimmerman Judge to do the Right Thing

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“There’s a lot of pressure for the judge on the Trayvon case. She was upholding the rule of law and then she suddenly starts acting funny and coming down on Zimmerman like a tonne of bricks. Everyone has noticed the sudden change, especially when all the evidence clearly shows Zimmerman’s innocence. The Obama admin must have some of those emails swimming around, say no more,” a court side reporter said before being whisked away in an unmarked vehicle by men in grey suits.

What’s the point in a court system in a country where the outcome of a trial can be altered by pressure from the administration?

“George Zimmerman is now facing a thirty year jail sentence for manslaughter for defending himself. If that is not complicity and corruption in a system that is meant to uphold the rule of law, I don’t know what is?,” a woman said before some people whispered in her ear and she suddenly started shouting about how guilty Zimmerman is.

Twitter Twit Tweeted Tweety Tweet

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“Obviously whoever tweeted that tweet is a twitter twit and needs to go to tweet hell,” Aspargo Mulan, a voracious tweeter who sometimes tweets 45 tweets a minute tweeted.

Some tweeters have their tweets linked up to medical devices that tweet their every heart beat and tweet about their daily bodily functions on a second to second tweet basis.

It’s called twitter tweet twitting to many and as the tweets come through every second of the day, you are assured that many more tweets will follow.

Seasoned tweeter Armando Benscombe, 21, revealed his tweet secrets to his 430,000 twitter followers 2 seconds ago: “I tweet on twitter like a twit twitter, get me some lemon, get me some cheese, I’ll be tweeting even if you say no please, twit, twit, twitter twit, get me some twitter tweeting twit twits. Hmm I got the munchies, gotta go twitpic my breakfast, see y’all in a twitter millisecond.”

Michelle Obama Starts Prison Riot in White House West Wing

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“She got angry that the lobster was not cooked well enough. Then she started banging her cup on the table and saying the food stinks. The White House prison guards put an immediate shut down on the West Wing and flooded the area with tear gas,” Larry Somers, the White House’s official prison warden told Fox news.

Michelle Obama, then barricaded all the doors and windows and said she wanted some “real f*cking food”.

“We had to order up some cheeseburgers, fries, a gallon of soda and a large tub of triple chocolate pudding,” Mr Somers added.

Today’s NSA Stock Picks

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5 Amazing NSA Stock Picks

 

1) X-TECH (X-TC) This Chinese tech company’s penny stock is set to rise by 3000% in the next few weeks. I read the details from a recent NSA report stating the company has secretly come out with some really cool tech stuff that no one has yet. The NSA report shows every email that the company directors have been writing to each other. A surefire winner in my book.

2) HALSBRO (HSBO) Reading the NSA report on this Italian widget company, it looks like they’re going to announce they are bankrupt in 5 days. You will surely make a mint by getting in a short position now before the massively overbought share price drops like a rock. Cha ching!

3) CORLINSON OIL (CNSN) A British owned oil company that operates in Nigeria. They’ve just found a gusher but are keeping it secret. The NSA emails reveal they will announce the find in late August. Start filling your boots now.

4) GUSLING PLC (GSLG) You ever seen a rocket shoot up into space? This stock is going vertical on July 27th when the company will announce bumper profits. I’ve seen the NSA report and have already bought as many shares as I possibly can.

5) JIMBOB INC. (JMB) When I read the NSA report for this company I immediately took all my wife’s jewels and her fur coats and sold the lot. The entire board of directors are getting fired on Friday. Get in there quick for the easiest money you will ever make.

This concludes our NSA stock picks for today. Be sure to check here regularly for any more NSA updates on what to buy and what to sell with the exact dates.

Snowden Could Get Sanctuary On the Moon

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In a remarkable admission by Russian billionaire, Volkov Volkovic, Edward Snowden will have his own moon base built so that he can spend the rest of his life relaying little bits of information about all that spying that’s been going on recently.

“This will certainly be one momentous footstep for man, as Mr Snowden will be relaying the important information from a place the Americans can’t get to,” Mr Volkovic told the TASS news agency on Wednesday.

The moon base will be outfitted with a very large transmitter and Snowden will enjoy all the mod cons of a celebrity whistleblower.

Experts: “What the Trayvon Zimmerman Trial Really Means”

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“Blacks will not riot because of Trayvon Martin, but will riot because Hispanics have superseded them in many facets of American society and business. Some Hispanics like the half German, Zimmerman, are considered white. In the rolling social strata within America’s societal hierarchy, the Hispanics have proved to be hard working and resilient, they will supersede the place of African Americans, who have unfortunately not proved to their white rulers that they can cut it. Even with Affirmative Action, African Americans are still floundering and swimming in deep ineptitude, lacklustre education, heavy unfettered breeding, and perceived low morals. Amongst the liquor stores, prisons, and ghettos where the African American discontent festers there is real anger that they have not risen up socially and economically despite the breaks they are constantly given,” Dr. Julia Halstead, for the Institute of Social Analysis told CBS news.

The Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman case is much more than a trial of a security guard who defended himself from a young angry doped up man. It defines the next step in American society and how blacks have been left behind in the mire by their own doing.

“You can’t blame anyone else. They want the trainers, they want the guns, they want the crib, they want the bling, but the Korean kid is working hard to get better grades, the Hispanics work hard for their businesses and service trades. Black culture is now confined to the music industry, but that’s about as far as it goes. The music industry itself has suffered greatly with the advent of the internet and this has left less money to be distributed to the African Americans. All music can now be downloaded free now, so this has destabilised the whole industry,” another social researcher revealed.

We are now seeing the birth of Zimmevon, Obama’s son

Abu Qatada Misses Wimbledon Final on Bumper Britain Day

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“I can’t take any more good news. Is this reality? I had to pinch myself. And not only that, it was sunnier than Spain in Grimsby,” Gerald Hornby, 37, a tennis fan told the BBC.

Good News Overload

All over the United Kingdom there were smiles seen on peoples faces as opposed to the usual contemplative miserable British grimace.

“What a day! House prices just rose 3% two minutes ago, the economy’s steaming ahead and Ed Miliband’s Labour party is embroiled in a dispute with his own union benefactors. It can’t get any better than this,” a cheerful Brit said in the sunshine swigging from his pint.

Murray to be Crowned King of Scotland if Wins Wimbledon

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“That’s one hell of an incentive right there,” Andy Murray said from his SW19 hotel room this evening.

The Murray Clan would have their own coat of arms, restoring the Jacobite monarchy and live in Edinburgh castle where a tennis court would be built next to the great hall.

“I, King Murray, will rule over Scotland and I promise to bring peace, prosperity and deep fried mars bars for every Scot,” Murray added.

Good luck to Murray from the Squib team.

Vinnie Jones Working as Anaesthetist in Russia

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“They bring ’em in. I look at ’em. Bosh! Done! They’re out!” Jones said about his new job as an anaesthatist.

The football hard man, who is more accustomed to squeezing Gazza’s meat and two veg, was looking for a new challenge to the usual meaningless Hollywood scripts he is given these days.

“I beat one man up, then thump anuvver. I thought why not do that for the good of someone instead.”

The cash strapped Russian hospital said they treasure Vinnie’s work and want him to stick around.

“We can’t afford real anaesthetic, usually we give the patient some vodka. We hired Vinnie Jones for free, he thumps them so hard they’re out cold for days,” chief surgeon, Vilnius Nomskiya, told the Ural state television broadcasting service.