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Increasing Number of Women Insist on Credit Checks This Valentine’s

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As if it wasn’t hard enough for men already, a new national survey has revealed that millions of women are getting credit reports on prospective partners.

Mavis Longleat, a dating consultant is not surprised in the least.

“The main focus is on how much cash the man is capable of spending on you before you let him into the pearly palace. Especially on Valentine’s Day, a man has to prove that he has the right credit. If he doesn’t splash the cash, dinners, shopping and gifts, move on to the next one. It costs a man about £200 to get a woman into bed, but you can milk that for longer by leading the poor bastard along even further. ”

What’s on the top of the list this Valentine’s Day? The survey revealed that credit card gifts from men with high spending limits was desired most. A single rose or a poem, maybe a tentative kiss was nowhere to be seen.

Valentine’s Credit

1) Barclays Premier Card with money back points will put a big smile on her face, especially when she walks into the hand bag shop

2) HSBC credit card, comes with air miles for more long distance shopping trips

3) Egg credit card, a bit like the egg on a man’s face when he sees the f*cking bill after being dumped because the credit limit was hit

4) Tesco credit card, the lucky lady will get points every time she uses it but the man gets no points, he might get a shag after the third or fourth date, only after she’s cleaned out his account completely

5) American Express, for that special Valentine’s experience. Give one of these to a girl and you’ll be in like Flynn

Bouncers From Exclusive Club Reprimanded For Unnecessary Brutality

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Bouncers from an exclusive West London night club have been reprimanded by council officials for their unnecessary hard edged bouncing style.

The exclusive club called Mathikki, serves cocktails that cost thousands of pounds, but things can get a little hairy if the bouncers don’t like the look of you at the door.

“We have a very exclusive clientèle who attend our premises, therefore if you’re not part of the right bloodline, it’s orf with your head,” Red Mist Harry, one of the bouncers in question told the Kensington Advertiser.

The three offending bouncers, Red Mist Harry, Box Ears Charlie, and Crazy Tooth Willy are notorious in the bouncing profession for not taking any nonsense.

“I saw one chap, he tried to walk in and said he was the owner of Harrods even showing a badge. They took one look at him and flung him in the dustbin, then told him to go back to Egypt. There used to be four bouncers at the door, but last I heard, Lippy Phil is doing a stretch in Sandringham,” a local resident revealed.

Scots Could Deny England Haggis, Neeps and Tatties

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Scottish nationalists are threatening England by denying them Scottish treats if they are not allowed to keep the pound sterling when they gain independence.

“It’s simple, you stop us using the sterling and we cut off supplies of haggis, shortbread, proper whisky, bonnie lasses with fire red hair and don’t forget Murray, no more tennis for you’se English,” SNP spokesman, Angus McTruss told BBC Scotland yesterday.

An unelected EU finance minister said on Wednesday: “If you Scots can’t keep the pound sterling, you must join the Euro. It will be in your main interests and will split Britain up even further. Of course that’s something we are not encouraging, heh, heh, heh!”

NHS Data: Got Drunk Ended Up in A&E When You Were 18 Prepare to Lose Your Job

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The era of medical privacy is finally over in the UK as all private patients’ NHS data will be released in a massive data free for all. This means insurance companies, employers and anyone else who wants to know about your ailments can use the data about you to do as they please.

“It’s great, I’ve had my life insurance cancelled, my employer fired me and now I’ve got tonnes of marketers after me about my illness. Thank you Cameron. Let’s have it for doctor patient confidentiality, three cheers, hip hip!” a patient who used to have some privacy told Sky news.

As for life’s transgressions, people will be punished for their youthful exuberance as future employers will balk at employing those who may have ended up in A&E one time too many, or utilised any form of pharmaceutical help to get by in life.

“We’re simply telling the world about your medical history. There is nothing to fear here when we distribute all of your NHS data. If you have nothing to hide there is no need to worry” a government official told the BBC.

Poll Made Me Believe What They Wanted Me to Believe Says Man

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A man who read a poll result about a subject but initially had his doubts about it, now believes that the poll result is correct and has allayed his fears about the subject.

“I used to have an opinion about something but when I read the poll result, you know 1,345 people were polled out of a population of 65 million in the UK, I realised I was the one in the wrong,” David Crabtree, 45, an accountant from West Glamorgan, told a BBC poll.

Although polls are not representative of the population, they are widely used to enforce and change public opinion by citing poll results as proof.

“I love polls. No, not Poles, but polls. They’re great for changing the mind of the proles. Put a poll in an informative article and voila, you have solid proof that you were right all along. We just did a poll on how effective polls were in changing peoples’ minds yesterday. The poll results were astounding, we surveyed 53 people out of a possible 65 million to come to the conclusion that polls are wonderful and we need more polls to tell us that polls are a great way to poll people,” senior director for the National Office of Statistics and Polls said in a recent poll.

Smoking to be Banned in Car Boots

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If you’ve been trussed up and bundled into the boot of a car by a bunch of gangsters from Essex, then lighting up in the boot is banned say MPs.

Luciana Swivvlestick, Shadow health minister has welcomed the Coalition government adopting the proposal she made two weeks ago into law, and smoking will finally be banned in car trunks .

The shadow health minister Luciana Swivvlestick said: “This is a great victory for those who get stuffed into car boots by the hundreds of thousands every year. It is a matter of protection.”

A Department of Health spokesman said: “If you’re in the boot of a car being rushed off to some forest clearing by some not very nice people, you need to ensure that you are healthy. Lighting up a cigarette is detrimental to your health and frankly will not help the situation. I’m sure you would probably be crapping in your pants anyway. Give it a rest, there’s no need to light up, especially when you start thinking about what the people who put you in the boot in the first place will do to you once they drag you out of the car.”

Next week, the government proposes a ban on smoking whilst scuba diving.

Drought Warning For Britain

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The Environment Agency has announced another drought warning in England and Wales the BBC confirmed today.

“We haven’t had a drop of rain for bloody ages. If this goes on all the reservoirs will dry up in Britain,” Jim Peterson, a worker for Melcham council in Surrey revealed.

There is a strict hose pipe ban in place  and households have been told to flush the loo only once a week.

Doris Huckley, 64, complained bitterly to the Sun newspaper about the bans in place.

“How ma meant to wash me ‘air? This is ridiculous, haven’t seen water for weeks. I’m praying for it to rain. Forgotten what it was like to have a bath. Me lawn’s all dry, and I’ve been in the same clothes for weeks. Rain, rain where are you?”

Hopefully it will rain soon, but otherwise be careful with the water usage, every drop counts.

Beyonce: “I Did Have Musical Relations With That President”

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The curvy songstress Beyonce is penning a new song about her favourite president.

“I had just left the White House one morning while Michelle was still in Hawaii, when I had to put pen to paper. It’s called the Obama Song. Yeah, I know not very imaginative but I’m not exactly a rocket scientist am I?”

On hearing of the musical affair, president Obama said: “I did not have musical relations with that woman.”

Meanwhile, a stink has come over the White House, maybe Michelle is smelling some rotten chitlins, who can blame the president for wanting an upgrade?

Download Flappy Bird App Here

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If you’ve missed out on the Flappy Bird app and want to download the whole app, here is your chance as it has sadly been removed from Apple’s app store by its creator Dong Nguyen.

 

 

please scroll down to get the app

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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just a little further

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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keep flapping

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

flap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

flap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

chirp chirp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keep flying

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ooh watch out for the pillar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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nearly there

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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flap mania

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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getting closer to the end

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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oh my..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ahh here it is..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry you hit a pillar click this link to start over again..then deposit £150,000 into our account to get the app.

Experts: EU Wants to Know What’s in Your Will For Very Good Reason

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Constitutional experts have teamed up with financial experts from the British Finance Directorate to reveal the real reasons for the EU wanting to rifle through everyone’s Will in the UK.

“First, one must define the word ‘collectivisation’ simply defined, the goal of this policy is to consolidate individual land and labour into collective farms. Stalin was a proponent of this technique of taking all wealth from every strata of class and redistributing it ‘equally’. As we all know, this was not the case as the majority of the wealth was firmly held by the upper echelons of the Communist party. The exact same system is being proposed by the EU. They want to publish the details of your Will so that the soviet collectivist EU dream can be realised. What you own now, will not be yours any more, it will be the property of the state to distribute as they see fit. This is the next stage of the EU collectivist dystopia. It does have its initial roots in Marxism, and to some extent Obama is doing the same in America by destroying the bourgeoisie. The Middle Class in Britain has been decapitated, as the British are so obsessed by class, the EU may have quite a hard time destroying the British class system altogether. Once Labour, headed by hardcore Marxist, Ed Miliband is voted in, the British will have sealed their fate. If you own any property, have a bank account, you will be punished, as were the Cypriots in the 2012 bank deposit grab. This is how the EU will act and there is nothing anyone can do about it. If you vote for David Cameron in 2015, he will enter Britain into EU slavery slowly, as opposed to the harder edged approach of Miliband.”

Preparing for a feudal system etched into a communist ethos, will impoverish millions of people in Europe. One only has to look at the tricked populations in the EU today drowning in their own faeces.

Britain had a feudal history, and the future will be an assimilation of the old system of rule, except with technology giving an edge to the ruling Lords. All of course ruled by the ultimate Lords of Brussels.