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EU Wants You to Dump Facebook

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You know, maybe we here at the Squib need to re-evaluate our relationship with the EU, but it is oh so confusing.

On the one hand the EU is a sort of quasi-sovietised entity that dictates weird directives towards its citizens and member states but on the other side, they do speak some sense.

The latest piece of advice from the EU regards Facebook, and they’re advising citizens to dump the data gatherer from your life, that is if you value your privacy. Well, we warned our readers from the beginning in 2007 that Facebook was an inherently evil data gathering operation run and financed by the spooks, and now the EU is advising to dump Facebook…hmm

What to do? Dump Facebook or dump the EU, or dump both?

Which one is the lesser of two evils? These are the questions we must ask. Should you abscond to a jungle clearing in Borneo and dump the lot, or just dump Facebook and live in the EU where you are probably being spied on anyway.

Well, the simple truth of the matter is, governments have been spying on citizens since the birth of..er..governments, it’s just that these days they’re spying on your every keystroke on the internet. Every citizen within the developed world has large dossiers on themselves, every web page visited, every search term typed, every smartphone conversation is logged and through GPS your every movement is tracked. If you are employed, your employers have vast troves of detailed information about you including your personal life. The insurance industry has all your private data including detailed information of your health records.

So, what is the EU trying to do here? On the one hand they’re saying, dump Facebook if you value your privacy, on the other hand, the EU member states spy on you every day.

Who should you dump? Facebook which actively sells your private data, including private PMs to any company or entity that pays for it and is an arm of the NSA’s Prism program, or the collectivist soviet EU which spies on you as well?

Well, it depends on your sensibilities. If you like your data to be logged by the NSA and other American agencies, then keep your Facebook page. If you prefer to be spied on by the EU, then dump your Facebook page, you will still be spied on, just with a more European slant.

C’est la vie mes amis..

Who to Dump?

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Crash Pilot: At Least He Wasn’t a Muslim

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“It’s a good thing the crash pilot was only a depressed guy and not a Muslim otherwise things would have been way more different. We’ll just brush this one under the carpet and the guy’s forgiven,” Anders Hausser, one of the team investigating the crash revealed on Friday.

Forgiveness has come swiftly for Andreas Lubitz, the co-pilot who flew the plane into the mountain, as reports filter through that he was a good Christian, a little depressed though, especially after his girlfriend leaving him.

No doubt, this crash will be out of the news faster than a speeding jet hurtling towards a mountain.

Bercow to Set Wife On Tories

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“After the shabby and frankly obvious actions of the Tories to oust me I have been given no other option but to set my fucking wife on you stinky Tories,” a visibly angry and shaken Speaker of the House, John Bercow squeaked in parliament yesterday.

The plan to oust the biased Speaker, who always favours the Labour party in parliamentary debates, has been on the Tory agenda for some time but the plot to unseat Bercow failed miserably at the last quarter.

“The Speaker is meant to be neutral but Bercow is an obvious Labour plant. Him and his awful staunchly Labour supporting wife are a team concocted in the rotting rectum of Gordon Brown’s era,” a Tory backbencher said before slinking back behind a curtain.

inside_a_caravan_paddy_and_sally_bercow_547777281

Conservative backbenchers and MPs are on full alert as rumours swirl of possible action against them, like being bundled into a stained white sheet whilst Mrs Bercow’s gypsy prize fighter lover lumbers up out of the shadows to beat the living shit out of them. Mr Bercow may even join in kicking them in the shins, such is the desire for revenge from the Speaker.

Labour: We Want Our System Back

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“We created the whole system of national health, BBC and welfare state under Sir William Beveridge and Clement Attlee. Therefore it does not matter which government is in power, the whole system is socialist, and we are the rightful owners of it. The Tories can think they are right wing, but they’re just presiding over our system,” Ed Balls, the shadow Chancellor told the BBC.

Being ousted from government, socialist Labour feels its system is being mismanaged by the socialist Tories, as do the millions of people on welfare schemes, therefore the First Past the Post electoral system will ensure the return of the Labour socialist system to its original architects.

“You can have an extreme right wing leader running the country, but he or she would still be atop a socialist system originally created by the post-war Labour government. Britain is socialist through and through, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” an unemployed man at a bus stop revealed on his way to the job centre.

CNN Reporter: If Humans Abort Babies Why Not Abort Adults?

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“A human is a human whether a live infant or an adult, therefore the aborting of human babies is no different to aborting adult humans because they’re both alive,” Sally Kohn, a CNN contributor revealed on Tuesday.

Ms Kohn’s proposal for the Obama administration and entrepreneurs to install Abort Pods across America where people who feel they need to be aborted for the good of the planet has been taken on enthusiastically.

“It’s like a public rest room. You put in a coin, walk in and press the big green button. Voila, you’re aborted. It all happens in a blink of an eye and there’s no pain. Afterwards, the liquid is simply flushed into the sewer where it is eventually recycled and when Americans turn on their tap, they drink a part of you. It’s no different to abortions of human babies, because essentially those are alive as well,” Ms Kohn said with a gleeful smile.

Dot com billionaire Josh Rasmussen, has already taken on the plans and the Obama administration thinks it is an amazing idea worth implementing across the United States.

“We got an app up and running right now, iAbortPod, available on all app stores. Just book an abortion session and it will tell you which area has a booth and a map to guide you, whether it’s in use or if there is a queue. You too can reduce your global footprint and carbon emissions by aborting yourself. The scheme is 100% recyclable and just think of the benefit you are doing against global warming.”

Jane Callous, an MSNBC contributor loves the idea: “I want to do my bit to halt global warming. That’s why I’m aborting myself next week at the inauguration ceremony for the first Abort Pod in downtown Los Angeles.”

 ABORT POD INTERIOR

FAQ

1) How will the Abort Pod work?

The ground-breaking technology behind the Abort Pod is secret but it involves a painless and fast way of aborting humans. Once the initial stunning process is completed in less than 5 seconds, the body is liquefied and recycled by being sent to water purification plants to be later reintroduced into the water table. From start to finish the whole process takes two minutes.

2) How much does it cost?

A session in the Abort Pod costs a quarter, yes that’s 25 cents. Users simply put a quarter into the coin machine and you’re good to go.

2.5) Can I get a refund?

No, because you’ll be aborted by then.

3) Will my Facebook page be notified of my abortion?

Yes, once the process is complete, your Facebook and Twitter profiles will update automatically that you have been aborted with a special message of how you have done your bit to halt global warming.

4) What if I change my mind?

Sorry, once you have made your decision and paid up, you will have 2.3 seconds before the process begins, unless you are super human and can move at the speed of light to get out of the locked booth you ain’t gotta chance in hell.

5) How will this halt global warming?

Well, it’s simple, the less humans on the earth, the better it is for the environment. Your carbon footprint will be reduced as you won’t be here any more.

6) Will there be music before the Abort Pod process kicks in?

Yes, there will be a choice of music which you can assign on your app profile. We have a good choice from gentle atmospheric electro dance music to rock, punk or classical. There will also be a recorded message from president Obama, that you are doing the right thing for the environment and an affirmation of your sacrifice.

7) What if I mistook the Abort Pod for a public toilet?

That’s just too bad.

Alex Salmond Really Does Not Like the English

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“I try to like them but I can’t do anything else but hate them. That’s why I will do everything in my power, including using the Labour party as a traitorous pact to break up the country,” Mr. Salmond told the BBC on Tuesday.

When Alex Salmond was told that the Labour party is essentially an English political party he was nonetheless even more aggressive with his answer.

“Yeah, but they [the Labour party] do not have any policies that favour the English, or Britain. Look what they did in 1997 after the election. Brought economic misery and millions of immigrants from the poorest countries in the world into Britain who are all now on benefits. Gordon did a hatchet job on Britain’s gold reserves by selling them all off at the bottom of the market, and the rest is history, Britain is still trying to recover from the damage. Even Al Qaida couldn’t have damaged Britain as much.”

James Corden: Unadulterated Sycophancy and Praise Will Get You Everywhere

 

 

“If you’re a Brit and you come over to America you gotta lick boot, and that’s why James Corden may have broken the mould of the ‘superior’ Brit thing that got people like Piers Morgan into so much trouble, especially with the gun control affair. Americans love to be buttered up, and the celebrities just want to hear about their success all the time, something the Brits don’t do and it’s all too down to earth in the UK for the Yanks. Americans don’t want reality, just hosts that sniff celebrity butt holes and tell them how great they are. Like a shameless whore, James Corden is nothing more than someone who would not be out of place in a day time life insurance commercial or selling PPI, and he’s cracked America for that very reason. When it comes to dignity, he has none, and is testament to success in the field of effusive flattery for shit loads of money,” Renfro Grechtener, a TV critic told CBS on Tuesday.

All hail James Corden, an insipid, banal, now Americanised very rich sycophant buttering up the stretch skinned platitudinous trite over-clocked plastic celebrity effluent.

6 Brits That Tried to Break America and Failed

1) Piers Morgan

2) Russell Brand

3) Oasis

4) Robbie Williams

5) Ant and Dec

6) Gary Barlow

 

Technician: The Glaring Holes in Our Civilisation That Need to be Plugged

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“Civilisation is defined by the area of the world where the major advanced cities reside, where the governments keep order and security, where technology has progressed and continues its upward trajectory.

“There are however large holes in these civilisations, and the people at the top either can’t see these gaping holes or choose not to see them through their sub conscious stupor.

“These vast vulnerabilities may one day threaten the very fabric of the existence of advanced cultures and civilisations and they are so obvious to the enlightened yet hidden at the same time.

“One day, maybe someone will see the glaring holes staring at them in the face, but until such a day occurs there will be just blissful ignorance as time tiptoes towards its inevitable destination and nothing is done.”

BBC Solution to Jeremy Clarkson Debacle Found

“How hard can it be? Car mechanics are technical people anyway and would be up and running on the studio equipment in a jiffy. If Clarkson wants a punch up he’d get a wrench across his face. It would also make for some great telly, imagine having a team of mechanic producers and Jeremy Clarkson having a full on brawl with pieces of steak and chips flying all over the place. There certainly would be no place for a cheese platter in that mess but ratings would shoot up,” Niles Pemberton, a commissioning editor who sometimes advises the BBC, revealed on Friday.

One other ex-BBC employee went as far as to suggest employing partially naked female car mechanics for the Top Gear show as producers, at least this way Clarkson may be distracted as would most of the audience and other presenters.

“Ratings would hit the roof. Imagine having a female car mechanic who not only talks dirty but can grease up the rod bearings on a V12 engine one minute, advise the cameraman to pan right the next whilst booking a hotel room, and smear motor oil over her chest at the same time. If Clarkson wants a steak she’d throw a frozen one at him. Clarkson would be sitting there like a simpering dog with his tongue hanging out in awe! There’d be no more nonsense from Clarkson ever again. It’s a win win situation for the BBC.”

Either way, it would be a sad day if the left-wing BBC killed off one of Britain’s eccentrics. That’s what makes Britain Great, its eccentric characters who bring colour to the drab socialist, politically correct, impotent, boring and turgid moroseness. We need more punch ups, more fucking life, more wildness. AAAaaargh!!!!

Political Experts: “Why Elections in Developed World Change Nothing”

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“There are infinite possibilities to our reality but the current systems in place ensure only one outcome and that is that the status quo is preserved — nothing changes.

“It does not matter what you vote for, you will get the same outcome, but with a different face. Essentially, the core of the Western socialist system always remains, and voting for different teams, faces or names only changes the speed of facilitation of socialist principals. A vote to the left increases the speed, a vote to the right decreases the speed, a vote in the middle adheres to the left and still increases the speed of the socialist clock. The resultant answer is always growth of the state and increased powers of governance over the plebiscite. Socialism and communism were created by elites anyway.

You are protected

“One must look at the post-World War II frameworks of all governments in Europe, Australia and North America, as well as to some extent in Japan to see that all core elements within their infrastructures, from schools to health care, to welfare predominantly adopted a socialist mindset, thus rendering any other form of governance redundant.

“The civil service stays the same, the intelligence service stays the same, and although there may be minor tweaks by successive governments, there is never any real change.

“Therefore, voting for a new face is just that. Unless a new government were to completely dig up and change the core, they only skim the surface. The politicians and engineers certainly would not want to rock the boat, because real change would cause them to lose their stable positions, which they have worked hard to achieve.

“What we are seeing more of, especially in the United Kingdom is a preponderance to adopting governmental coalitions. This is a sign that the parties that are available are indistinguishable from each other, and a recognition of this fact. There will be more coalitions in the UK in the future, especially as the state grows even further. Socialism is about big government and the so-called Conservatives in the UK have embraced this tenet as much as the left leaning Labour party. As for spending policies, under George Osborne, the Conservative chancellor, Britain’s deficit has had virtually no change, and spending has been pretty much the same as his predecessors.

Safety in poverty

“Socialists may claim that capitalism is the antithesis of their doctrine, but they are wrong. Under so-called democracies which have socialist systems, money still moves predominantly to the top of the pyramid, as it does in overt socialistic systems.

“The West has not yet adopted a full totalitarian form of governance, however they are getting close to it as this is the final goal. We can see the active model for the move towards totalitarianism through the unbridled monitoring of the populations through all forms of communication and the nanny states that are becoming bigger and bigger daily. When living in a mock democracy, the people simply like to see different faces and are appeased by minor tweaks now and then, and many are not too bothered by other thoughts. Without elections, there would be unrest, because the people need to feel they are changing something during election time, it is a welcome release for them. The choices they are given are of course one and the same in actuality, purely for the reasons as stated before and that the departments, staff and controllers behind the scenes always remain, irrespective of which party/colour/face is in power.

“One must not think that socialism within the West is a system where poverty and struggle are universal. This is wrong, because under socialism, the elite are still cushioned from the plight of the people. We are seeing the calculated erosion of all classes and will be left eventually with the very poor and the very rich industrial and political classes above. Socialism is undergoing a metamorphosis in the West where the only ideals promoted will be of energy efficiency, limited wealth and relinquishment of all private property except for the higher echelons. The European Union is the classic example of this, where the previously rich Northern nations will eventually have their wealth shared with the poor Southern nations, thus leaving only the engineers at the top of the socialist pyramid as the ones with the wealth, the rest will be consigned to a controlled stasis of poverty.”