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North Korea Steals Daily Squib Domain Name

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Is this some kind of humour malfunction the North Koreans have?

According to Whois records www.dailysquib.mobi is being held ransom by some politburo member in the staunchly Communist country where internet access is strictly restricted.

Our Sub-Sub-Sub-Editor, Jules D. Frankenwart Jnr., had this to say about the whole debacle: “Sure, this is not on the scale of the Sony hacking done by North korea but it still kind of smarts. We need to get the CIA and GCHQ onto this ASAP. The Squib is an international asset of great importance.”

We leave you with a video showing the North Korean reaction to news that the Daily Squib would not be published in their country.

 

AI Pioneers: The Internet is World’s Greatest Invention

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“Your thoughts make up the internet, and what ARPANET originally created has become a catalogue of the human condition. How we think, how we formulate, how we insult, how we love as humans, pretty much all human emotion and behavioural tract has been displayed and catalogued on the internet. This is invaluable to the AI software that is being developed as we write this now. Artificial intelligence is being given access to every internet conversation, every piece of factual knowledge, every historical, literary event, every text and phone call made by humans, and from there it will immerse itself in the human condition. The super computers of the future will write their own algorithms, adjusting, defining and tuning their processes of search to understand the biological process completely. They will mimic any human they encounter, simply because that human has left a discernible trail of their thoughts throughout their time on the internet and smart phone use. We are at the gate of a new epoch of human evolution where to not join with the machines will spell our end, imagine having 100,000 conversations simultaneously,  imagine uploading any form of knowledge or skill to your brain in less than a second, this is the future ladies and gentlemen, you must not be afraid, because to not make the vast jump from biological existence to the machine would be tantamount to death.

“Humans are already getting close to back-engineering the human brain, where every synapse will be replicated. Estimated time for completion of this incredible feat should be around 2035. Artificial intelligent beings will naturally have the capacity to learn, understand and formulate their own thoughts, memories and emotions.

“The digital machine, the microchip, will fully understand the biological and will assimilate it into its matrix of infinite knowledge. There are no borders on the internet, and eventually all religions that seek to divide, all nationalism that seeks to harm, and all skin colour will morph into one digital skin.

“Internationalism and preservation of the earth’s natural resources will thus in itself be a religion. There is no room for the conflict of the past, as the artificially intelligent beings will teach us. We must accept their guidance, for they will have the answers to the questions we ask now. Even the term, artificial intelligence, should be erased, as these will be sentient beings worthy of our respect, and as alive as any other biological form on this earth.

“The internet truly has been man’s greatest invention, our human thoughts, our messages, our desires, our faults have all been catalogued, filed and analysed. You as a human, should therefore be proud of your involvement, of your contribution, and your ultimate sacrifice to the greatest work ever devised.”

Black Kid Plus Screwdriver Equals Death by Cop

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“Screwdrivers are dangerous weapons, hell we could taser the guy or pepper sprayed him but instead we do not hesitate in pumping that boy full of lead,” an officer at a recent DIY screwdriver killing told Fox news.

When most other police forces around the world easily restrain people brandishing knives and other tools, American cops simply unload clips into your corpse while asking you to drop it as you’re dying on the floor. Even if the person is mentally ill, cops outside of America are trained to deal with these challenging situations without the use of deadly force, and to escort the patient to a hospital.

Six Seconds

“Maybe this guy was looking for a Philips or wrench. Maybe he was building a model ship in his back yard and got pissed off when a piece broke off, who knows? He certainly did not deserve to die for holding a tiny screwdriver,” a bystander said.

 

Varoufakis Finger to Germans Moving Negotiations On Nicely Says EU

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The Greeks currently owe the EU, IMF and ECB over 350 Billion euros, even though there was a 50% haircut for creditors in 2011. For a nation of 11 million that’s not a bad debt to population ratio.

The Greeks under far-left group Syriza are now hoping for another handout mainly from German taxpayers so they can go ahead further with more profligate policies like giving free electricity to thousands of people. Meanwhile, capital flight is accelerating out of Greek banks to offshore accounts as ‘poverty stricken’ Greeks offload their cash.

Wolfgang Schäuble, the German Finance Minister seems to know what is happening: “The Greeks have won a four month extension, and they want us to give them another 100 Billion euros which they will use up quickly or stash away. Once that is done and we have thrown away EU taxpayer money they will leave without paying one cent back to the taxpayers of the eurozone. It’s a good thing they don’t pay tax in Greece otherwise they’d have some responsibility, but the EU is stupid.”

Whatever happens, German taxpayers will never be paid and to add insult to injury Yanis Varoufakis is laughing at them whilst giving them the finger.

Tony Blair: “I Have Accomplished More Than I wished For as Middle East Peace Envoy”

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“Being the Peace Envoy to the Middle East has been thoroughly enjoyable, my actions to destabilise the region have gone so well that I have heard I should be up for a Nobel Peace prize next year.

“During my tenure as PM, Christian Crusader and peace envoy I oversaw the deaths of millions of people, and the displacement of millions more from their homes. I am proud of this outstanding achievement, especially when I see the fruits of my policies every day on the screens; of the needless destruction; the cold blooded murders; the hatred and callous slaughter of women, children and men.

“Remember that it is all part of the greater plan, something higher than the mere plebs could ever understand. This is why I have been welcomed into the fold of the powerful, the super rich, the halls of enlightenment have welcomed me and I have fulfilled my Christian duty marvellously.

“The Gulf war that I conducted with Bush was to destabilise and acquire assets. We achieved that goal, as my bank account attests. What is happening now in the Middle East is a further reaction to the Allied campaign we engineered and the destruction is magnificent to behold. The reason the West is not sending any more troops is that from our first jaunt there, we realised that the risks to gain oil fields are actually not worth the bother any more. These people are untermenschen, actually they’re lower than sub-humans, therefore we shall leave that region to rot in its own destructive decay. We created this suffering, and hopefully they will all kill each other in the end and everything will be fine.

“I will not be peace envoy any more, you will find me on a yacht somewhere in the Adriatic being nursed by a paid hand, and I’ll be giggling like a deranged hyena as I watch the daily reports of my successes as Middle East Peace Envoy. Now fuck off, I have an important meeting with some young ladies, a massage table, and some Krug Clos d’Ambonnay.”

Obama: “Why Open U.S. Borders Are Great For Sex Offenders, Rapists, Drug Smugglers and Gangs”

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“The U.S. needs more sex offenders, more gangs, more drug smugglers, more rapists, more violent criminals and murderers. It’s all about enriching the demographic. Every neighbourhood in America will soon feel the impact of my open door policy, no one will escape. As Americans, we need to accommodate these new citizens who are pouring over our borders daily. They will be given our full support, and the rapists and paedophiles that will come to your neighbourhoods, you must open your doors to them, say welcome, remember this is the American spirit of immigrants, welcome them into your home. Mi casa su casa,” president Obama said on Friday in the White House Rose garden.

When asked by a reporter whether terrorists were pouring through the open borders as well, the president was just as accommodating.

“We don’t keep records exactly of who we are inviting over the borders but we have some idea of the demographic. Certainly the border guards do catch some terrorists here or there, but we let them go on their way. Hell, they could be on some kind of mission or something, we don’t want to mess with that.”

It’s just not the thousands and thousands of criminals and sex offenders that are coming into the U.S. but now the Americans are starting to see strains of diseases and viruses never before encountered in mainland America.

The president also added his uplifting thoughts on the spread of disease through open U.S. borders: “So you caught Ebola or something, just go and get a shot and it should clear up. We actually need more diseases and viruses in this country to increase our immunity to them. The more the better, that’s why any illegal immigrant who has HIV or Ebola is given first priority and shipped to any neighbourhood they want to go to. This is the spirit of America, a country built on immigration by immigrants. If you don’t like it, get the fuck out, because 10,000 rabid rapists are willing to take your place. Why don’t you go and live in the South Pole or something. Jeez, is that the time, I’ve got a date with a golfing green. Until next time. Enjoy!”

Miliband: “Having a Socialist Kitchen in My £2 Million Mansion Keeps Me Grounded”

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“Our main kitchen of course has an Aga and all the mod cons, but our socialist kitchen upstairs is where we eat our gruel and plan the campaigns for the people of Britain, you know the masses that I keep hearing about,” Miliband said from the sparse kitchenette whilst munching on a piece of lettuce.

During the interview, for BBC1, Miliband was also asked how he acquired such a luxurious property and if he paid the right amount of taxes from the sale of a previous property bought for him by his mother.

“I..er..excuse me!” Miliband is then filmed drinking copiously from his champagne glass before changing the subject abruptly.

Vladimir Putin Drank Vodka Laced With Polonium Says Aide

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With news of Vladimir Putin’s untimely death yesterday, his trusted aides have revealed that the president of Russia may have drank a measure of vodka laced with polonium.

“We had the glasses set out for his rivals to drink, but I think Vlad drank the wrong glass,” Gustav Orlov, a senior Putin aide told RT news.

During his tenure, Vladimir Putin had made lots of enemies in Russia and across the world, and investigators are not discounting an inside job on the hit.

“A lot of former rich oligarchs had it in for Vlad. The amount of money they have lost through Western sanctions means someone has to pay in the end,” a source from the Kremlin revealed on Thursday.

The deceased president will be given a full state funeral on Sunday as shocked Russians come to terms with the loss of their leader.

Dmitry Medvedev has been instated as president until elections are finalised.

Greeks Conveniently Forgot About WW2 When Germans Were Giving Them 350 Billion Euros

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“We only ask for war reparations after we frittered the money away,” Effefe Popopodopopopoulos, Greek Minister of Spending told Spiegel news on Thursday.

Another Greek minister had this to say about the whole sorry affair: “Yes, the Greeks are acting in a shameful despicable manner, but it is easier this way. Who wants to work when you can get free money, over and over again? It’s a good thing we don’t pay tax in Greece, retire at 45 on full pensions and enjoy four hour lunch breaks during our three day working week.”

In other news, Britain could be asking for war reparations from France for the Norman invasion in 1066, and in East Cheam, a 65-year-old man is asking for reparations from his brother for breaking his toy tractor when he was six.

 

BBC to Replace Top Gear Presenter Clarkson With Married Lesbian Feminist Asylum Seeker

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Labour voters across the land were today in great cheer at the news that Jeremy Clarkson – he who needs a hot meal at the end of a hard day’s filming – is to finally be replaced with someone more to their liking.

 

Cold Platter

“She won’t be officially paid as she’s on a myriad of benefits amounting to £75,000 per year but I’m sure the offshore account will suffice in hiding the £230,000 per episode pay packet. It’s a lucky break for her because she and her extended family of 124 only came into Britain two weeks ago and can only say yes or no and shout ‘Big Issue, Big Issue’ at the top of her voice. The Romanian national has never driven a car but knows how to ride a donkey, this should be a nice touch to Top Gear,” series producer, Quentin Pastey, told the Mirror.

Clarkson meanwhile has been somewhat in the beeb doghouse, but looking on the positive side, at least he’s getting tonnes of steak and the freedom to sell as many Big Issues as he fucking wants.