LONDON – England – The Prime Minister of Britain has finally come out as an evangelical Christian and has ordered the rest of Britain to embrace his beliefs and moral code.
“Dear Comrades, ahem, I mean fellow parishioners, I am here to preach my evangelical Christian beliefs and push them down your throats whether you like it or not. If you want to live in Britain, you must be a Christian, and it is going to be my mission to force everyone to believe in the Bible, even though there are no factual events written in that book of fiction conceived by multiple writers hundreds of years ago. You see, when I visited Israel, I spoke of my Jewish heritage, when I was in Scotland, I spoke of my Scottish heritage and when I visited Germany I said I was part German, and on and on. Never mind that homosexuality is depicted as worse or equal to bestiality in the Christian Bible, I have pushed for gayness everywhere and introduced gay marriage across Britain which is in fact abhorrent to most Christians and the writing in the Bible. For me you cannot have good values or family without being a Christian, and this is why I am going to force my religion of hypocrisy upon you whether you like it or not. Truth be told, I have no morals and will say anything if it suits me or my agenda, otherwise I would not be your prime minister or a member of parliament. Thank you for listening to my sermon, I’m off to Waitrose to buy a cartload of food that you cannot afford, but you never know, if you pray hard enough to some human constructed deity, you may one day be able to afford a loaf of bread at £8.99. Don’t forget to vote for me in the upcoming election in 2015 you fucking non-Etonion oiks.”
The Prime Minister attended another evangelical Christian event yesterday in a gay bath house in Chichester where the PM even helped clean up the towels at the end of the arduous Christian session.
Don’t forget to send in your evangelical Christian donations to the Tory party so that they can lose the election in style in 2015. Donations should be no less than £50 or your name will be put on a list and you may be visited by David Cameron for a special sermon.