Cowell Raw Sewage Injections Taking Toll

LOS ANGELES – USA – Simon Cowell, the man behind untalent shows like the X Factor and Britain's Got Talent, has been showing the strain of the faecal injections he receives daily.

Appearing on fellow Brit Piers Moron’s CNN showbiz ratings disaster show, Cowell started exhibiting odd behaviour as his face started to gloop and wilt, then bloat in some areas, almost like a blancmange or a terrified piece of jelly.

“I had another shit injection this morning, they pump it fresh from the sewer under my skin. I need to keep on top of my game because I’m polluting the entertainment industry with so much raw faeces it stands to reason that I should also have it pumped daily into my body,” Cowell told Moron before burping loudly.

“Have you let one go Simon? Ooph! It smells like poop!” a terrified looking Piers Moron questioned during the frank and revealing interview.

“No, I just burped,” Cowell replied trying to smile through his bloated face.

During the second segment of the interview, Simon Cowell started to talk about how his talent shows now dominate all forms of entertainment in the media and how his ‘artists’ have taken over the whole industry, when some brown liquid started seeping from his hairline. Immediately a studio worker handed Cowell a handkerchief but the brown liquid kept coming and coming.

“Toilet paper and a bucket stat!” the studio hand shouted with abject panic in her voice.

The Piers Moron show audience were speedily evacuated as the sewage fumes engulfed the studio and filming was halted immediately.

“We put a bucket under his face but the sewage and flies kept coming so we evacuated the studio,” a senior CNN production assistant revealed later on.