Former Cannibal Confesses to Being Secret Vegan

HAMBURG - Germany - High society was in shock today after a former cannibal confessed to having vegan sympathies.


Klaus Gunther, 46, from Hamburg, Germany has confessed that he has been a secret practicing vegan for the past four years.

“When our high class cannibal club would enjoy the delights of human livers with fava beans and brain, I would secretly sneak into the pantry and chew on some celery. I nearly got caught with some carrots in my pocket at one dining event,” Gunther confessed, to gasps from the audience on popular late night German talkshow, The Niedrig Show.

Cannibalism is not illegal in Germany

There are numerous ‘special’ dining clubs in Germany for exclusive clientele and donors are readily available on the internet.

“I feel so guilty. I see all my friends chomping down on things like roasted ribs and the only thing that comes into my mind is a couscous salad with some organic houmous on the side. I start salivating at the mere thought of vegetables.”

Herr Gunther has thus been living an elaborate lie, and when his aristocrat dining partners find out, he himself could be on the menu.

“The cannibals have seen my confession and will now be out to make mince meat out of me — literally. Yes, and from there it’s either meatballs or burgers. Thankfully, the police have put me in a safe house,” Mr. Gunther added.

Hollywood director, Eli Roth is now commencing filming on Klaus Gunther’s harrowing story with a film adaptation to be released next year.

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