With a vulnerable unarmed police force roaming Britain’s crime filled streets, and a capital city with so many bloody stabbing murders occurring daily, it was only a matter of time that the London Mayor, Sadiq Khan had to designate the major land mark, London Bridge, a heritage site where daily stabbings take place.
“Today, I proudly designate London Bridge as a heritage zone for stabbing. On my way here, I proudly saw three deadly stabbings, four suicides, and fifteen robberies. We proudly have a vulnerable police force that we send out to these deadly incidents with no guns, where these poor chaps are faced with deranged armed terrorists, and armed drug gang members, our police are expected to fight these vicious armed criminals with nothing but a small truncheon.”
Tourists who flock to London are excited to see the stabbings at sunset.
Mike Tawney, from Texas, USA, finds the liberal lack of crime prevention refreshing, purely for entertainment purposes.
“In America, if the cops see anyone with a weapon coming towards them, they shoot them fast. Over here in London, it’s like a licence for maniacs, terrorists, and gang members to shoot and stab, and when the unarmed Brit police turn up, they’re powerless until they call their one armed guy, who takes a lot of time to get to the crime zone. By the time anything is done, maybe a few more folks get stabbed. It’s just too easy.”
Stabbing frenzies usually increase over the weekend, and there is now a burgeoning guided tourist tour system where stabbings can be viewed from a far or sometimes close quarters depending on the situation.
London stabbing tour guide, Moses Aludajuwe, explained some of the nuances of the job.
“The tourists all love the stories of Jack the Ripper, that’s their view of London, foggy, cobbled streets, and brutal frenzied stabbing sessions. Weekends are best for major stab viewing, and the sort of romantic sunsets over London Bridge are offset by the splatter festival and blood-curdling screams of victims getting stabbed. The London Mayor, Sadiq Khan gave us his seal of approval last week, and we put that up on the side of the tour bus, although it’s covered in blood now.”
Forget about cheap plastic trinkets of Big Ben that were manufactured in China, tourists now buy kevlar stab vests and hire body guards to visit the bloody sites of London.
“It could be a deranged Jihadi terrorist irresponsibly released early from prison with a tag on his leg, or a skunk weed crazed Jamaican teenage gangster from some South London drug estate, one day you’re walking down the street whistling, next thing you know you’ve got a 10-inch knife blade deep in your liver. Welcome to London.”