Green Activist, Porritt, to Kill Himself to Save Planet from Global Warming

LONDON - England - One of the government's leading green activists, Jonathon Porritt, has agreed to set a good example on population reduction by committing suicide for the benefit of the environment thereby reducing carbon emissions.

Jonathon Porritt, one of Gordon Brown’s leading green advisers, is to set an example to everyone by shooting himself in the head to save us all from his useless carbon emissions, a leading think tank has said.

Porritt’s public suicide will be performed at this week’s annual conference of the Optimum
Population Trust (OPT), of which he is patron.

After the suicide of Porritt on stage, the trust will release research suggesting the UK population must be cut to 30m if
the country wants to feed itself sustainably.

Porritt said: “Population growth, plus economic growth, is putting the world
under terrible pressure. Malthusian Theory is the key to future survival. That’s why I’m going to blow my brains out over the front row of the audience who comes and sees me talking next week. I therefore urge all other useless, inbred, ugly parasites like me to do the same.

“Just think of the environmental chaos I am causing each day by spouting harmful methane gasses out of my arse..ahem..I mean mouth. Each person in Britain has far more impact on the environment than those in
developing countries so cutting our population is one way to reduce that
impact. Bagsie me first then. Last one to top themselves is a poofter.”

The government scheme endorsed by Gordon Brown, will involve population reduction through the use of ‘organised chaos’. There will be small pandemics released into the populations at key times to whittle down the masses. Population control of the masses is one of the most politically sensitive environmental
problems and even though there are plans to cull the population there are problems with ethics, religion, culture and immigration. The key thing is to decide who lives or dies in the oncoming Scientific Dictatorship. The ‘useless eaters’ as Lord Bertrand Russell used to call them may soon have their day.

Professor Chris Papsmear,
director of the Science Museum, will use the OPT conference, to be held at
the Royal Statistical Society, to warn that unless immediate plans are implemented to reduce populations within the UK and world there could be vast detrimental effects to our environment.

Papsmear, who formerly ran the British Antarctic Survey, said humanity was
emitting the equivalent of 50 billion tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each

“We have to cut the world’s population by 80%, or the planet’s eco-system will not survive. That’s why I advise you all to top yourselves immediately unless you’re a high-ranking scientist, senior eco-activist, senior Labour member or part of the rich elite.

“No one said building the technological scientific utopia of the future was going to be easy. It’s just going to be slightly messy getting there, that’s all,” he said.

There has to one positive out of the whole planned episode, as long as the chavs are gone it can only be good news.

  • Gary

    Utter load of tripe. There is no threat to anyone in the West. You are all scaremongering idiots!!!

  • neil

    the mexican swine flu is just a test run…the big one that will be released after will be the real deal.

  • felli

    80% of the earths human population has to go for it to survive.

  • Catastrophe

    Making an omelette requires breaking a few eggs. That’s why the elite will sacrifice the cannon fodder so that they can preserve the earths resources for their own children. They don’t need mass consumerism anymore, the plebes have completed their task, they are now outdated. Remember that the elite have the God given right to survive and rule over the lumpen. Once this goes to China and India it will spread like wildfire.

  • Adrian

    The Mexican pandemic has started earlier then I thought it would.

    This one may fizzle out if contained but we’re talking Mexico here.

    That’s why the big boys chose Mexico to start it off from.

    They’ve got the antidote

  • illuminated1

    looks like they got their pandemic…this one started in Mexico and is set to be a biggie…..those who are prepared will survive….

  • Andy

    Hubert…hear hear..well said!

    Who the f*ck said Bono could have a say in world politics? a bloody irish midget whos done nowt but write a few songs and grow potatoes in his back garden.

    Hes a f*cking disgrace to musicians, trying to save the planet, when most of them try to ruin it with drugs, booze, sex and trashing hotel rooms (the rolling stones im looking at you)

    Bono. shut the f*ck up and get back to painting irish gnomes in your homeland. and that f*king twat ‘the edge’ can nob right off as well.

    useless c*nts.

  • Hubert

    Let’s hope Al Gore and Bono follow suit..remember chaps it’s for the greater good..