Green Activist, Porritt, to Kill Himself to Save Planet from Global Warming

LONDON - England - One of the government's leading green activists, Jonathon Porritt, has agreed to set a good example on population reduction by committing suicide for the benefit of the environment thereby reducing carbon emissions.

Jonathon Porritt, one of Gordon Brown’s leading green advisers, is to set an example to everyone by shooting himself in the head to save us all from his useless carbon emissions, a leading think tank has said.

Porritt’s public suicide will be performed at this week’s annual conference of the Optimum
Population Trust (OPT), of which he is patron.

After the suicide of Porritt on stage, the trust will release research suggesting the UK population must be cut to 30m if
the country wants to feed itself sustainably.

Porritt said: “Population growth, plus economic growth, is putting the world
under terrible pressure. Malthusian Theory is the key to future survival. That’s why I’m going to blow my brains out over the front row of the audience who comes and sees me talking next week. I therefore urge all other useless, inbred, ugly parasites like me to do the same.

“Just think of the environmental chaos I am causing each day by spouting harmful methane gasses out of my arse..ahem..I mean mouth. Each person in Britain has far more impact on the environment than those in
developing countries so cutting our population is one way to reduce that
impact. Bagsie me first then. Last one to top themselves is a poofter.”

The government scheme endorsed by Gordon Brown, will involve population reduction through the use of ‘organised chaos’. There will be small pandemics released into the populations at key times to whittle down the masses. Population control of the masses is one of the most politically sensitive environmental
problems and even though there are plans to cull the population there are problems with ethics, religion, culture and immigration. The key thing is to decide who lives or dies in the oncoming Scientific Dictatorship. The ‘useless eaters’ as Lord Bertrand Russell used to call them may soon have their day.

Professor Chris Papsmear,
director of the Science Museum, will use the OPT conference, to be held at
the Royal Statistical Society, to warn that unless immediate plans are implemented to reduce populations within the UK and world there could be vast detrimental effects to our environment.

Papsmear, who formerly ran the British Antarctic Survey, said humanity was
emitting the equivalent of 50 billion tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each

“We have to cut the world’s population by 80%, or the planet’s eco-system will not survive. That’s why I advise you all to top yourselves immediately unless you’re a high-ranking scientist, senior eco-activist, senior Labour member or part of the rich elite.

“No one said building the technological scientific utopia of the future was going to be easy. It’s just going to be slightly messy getting there, that’s all,” he said.

There has to one positive out of the whole planned episode, as long as the chavs are gone it can only be good news.