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Katie Holmes’ Plea for Help at Celebrity Dinner Party

LOS ANGELES - CA - I attended a star studded celebrity dinner last week and witnessed the harrowing cry for help from Mrs Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes.

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Katie Holmes is in danger. She is caught in a vicious trap and dangerous cult — the Scatologist cult.

Since dating chief Scatology practitioner Tom Cruise in April 2005 she has been sucked into the controlling world of Scatology.

“Everything that she does, says or wants is controlled by Tom. She has been brainwashed to such an extent now that whenever she attends a restroom she is followed in by Tom or one of his henchman who have to make sure she conducts the Church of Scatology’s wiping ceremony perfectly and does not leave any Klingons. Our supreme master, N. Ron Hubbub speaks directly through Tom Cruise and he has the last say in everything that happens in the family,” Julia Emerson, a Church of Scatology ex-member told us.

Here is the harrowing tale of her attempted escape and how I helped her every way I could to leave the dangerous cult.

Attending the dinner party which was held at a mansion deep in the Hollywood Hills, I was astounded to see the amount of high ranking Scatologists in attendance. There was of course Tom Cruise and his frail wife Katie Holmes, John Revolting was there too with his boyfriend and we even had Priscilla ‘plastic’ Presley corpsing around the mansion house.

I sat next to Katie and I knew something was very wrong when she started to write the words “Help Me” on her plate with pieces of Foie Gras.


Tom Cruise who was seated three places down glanced over at us every once in awhile and Katie would hastily pretend to eat what was on her plate.

Is there no escape for the poor girl? She is stuck in the deepest bowels of the Church of Scatology. Surely there must be a way out from the prison she is stuck in. I was determined to help her and her daughter Sori escape their sorry existence under the heavy intestinal movements of the Scatology cult.

I sidled closer to her with my stool and whispered in her ear: “I can help you escape tonight. Outside the bathroom window on the third floor I have had my team install a ladder. Just make your excuses in a few minutes from now and go. One of my drivers is waiting to take you to a safe house. You can take Sori too.”

Her blank face which has been zombie-like for the past few years suddenly lit up with life. It was almost as if the colour drained into her face again and there seemed to be life in her soul once more.

She told me how she was sick of all the Hydro Colonic sessions, of all the special wiping rituals she would have to endure, of all the jumping on sofa sessions and also of Tom’s penchant to sniff the bottom’s of other Scatology recruits. She then asked to be excused just as Tom was about to start another one of his Scatology stories detailing the times he spent in public lavatories in New York city in the 80’s.

Katie never made it to the ladder. She has something that I feared would never happen. She stood up and pointed at me and shouted to the other Scatologists that I should be removed immediately. Katie Holmes has a severe case of Stockholm syndrome which is a term used to describe the relationship a hostage can build with their kidnapper.

Needless to say, I was escorted out of the mansion house and left the party with a heavy heart. Another lost soul in the digestive tract of the all-encompassing turd machine that is the Church of Scatology.

It was a moment which resembled the scene in “Deer Hunter” where the heavily brainwashed Christopher Walken character puts a bullet in his head whilst playing Russian roulette and cannot be saved by Robert De Niro.

High ranking Church of Scatology cult members are like the Borg — but worse. They assimilate decent people into the toilet bowl of N. Ron Hubbub’s Scatological flush, turning normal people into zombiefied “arse holes” of the highest order.

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