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Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

D.W. Griffiths
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0
Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

Explosives experts are being drafted in at great cost by the Chinese authorities to determine how to avoid massive explosions in the combustible Beijing atmosphere. Naturally, with the volatile situation in Beijing’s poisonous atmosphere, all naked flames may be banned from the games.

“We have a highly volatile cocktail of dangerous explosive gases in the Beijing atmosphere and to avoid a massive chain reaction leading to a massive explosion, we may have to ban the Olympic flame from being displayed at the games.” Gerald Matheson of JCP Consulting told an AP press conference on Monday.

The Beijing air is filled with heavy metals and phosphates that are hazardous to the health if breathed in.

There are also pockets of extremely volatile gases that are released daily from the numerous factories in the city. It was only three months ago when 267 people were killed when a housewife lit a cigarette in an open air cafe thus igniting a pocket of explosive gas that had just drifted over to where she was sitting, the resultant explosion demolished a mall and was seen 5 miles away.

According to the European Space Agency, Beijing and its neighbouring
north-east Chinese provinces have the planet’s worst levels of nitrogen
dioxide, which can cause fatal damage to the lungs.

If you breathe the highly toxic combustible soup that is Beijing’s air you would also be breathing in: Methane, Propane, Butane, Hexane, Heptane, Acetylene, Gasoline, Jet Fuel, Naptha, Turpentine, Toluene, Exlene, Ethylene Oxide, Acetone, Methyl Ethyl Ketone, Carbon Monoxide, Hydrogen Sulfide, Ammonia, Hydrogen.

Low visibility has also been an issue with some runners training for the marathon. Last week twenty athletes were not able to see where they were running and found themselves either lost or injured after running into concrete walls or lamp posts.

Nevertheless, Chinese Olympic officials wish to still go ahead with attempting to display an Olympic flame and are now toying with the idea of utilising a large video screen showing composite footage of all past Olympic flames to make up for the loss of the real flame.

Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

D.W. Griffiths
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1
Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

 

Pete Doherty has been finally jailed at the segregation wing at Wormwood Scrubs prison after many failed attempts.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad I have been privileged enough to attend Wormwood Scrubs prison as a fully fledged heroin addict where the smack is actually purer than the street. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Wormwood Scrubs exclaimed that they prepared adequately for Doherty’s entrance.

Pete Doherty’s room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are easier to find than trying to score on an everyday street in Britain. When I got to Wormwood Scrubs prison I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.

  Unfortunately for Doherty, he is not expected to serve the full 14 weeks but will try to commit some kind of heinous crime to stay in for longer. Maybe sing the warden a song or two – that should do it.

Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

D.W. Griffiths
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0
Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Kerry Katona has thanked her fans for their messages of support from her hospital bed this afternoon after she gave birth to a large bag of pure white cocaine five weeks early.

Doctors at Macclesfield Hospital delivered the package without any spillages after inducing labour early.

A spokesperson from her publicist’s office told reporters: “At present both mum and the yeyo are not in any distress and the mother has already started to snort the baby.”

Kerry Katona’s spokesperson made a poignant statement from her bedside:

“Kerry would like to thank all the tabloids and gossip papers for their full coverage and attention and also the doctors and nurses who are providing excellent care in delivering the cocaine safely. The chavette face of Iceland and her family can begin snorting in earnest.”

Kerry’s new baby will be called “Charlie”, named after her favourite pastime.

The 27-year-old was believed to be in the middle of filming the final episodes of her controversial MTV fly-on-the-wall show, Crazy In Love, when her cocaine induced contractions began on Wednesday night.

Her pregnancy has been plagued with rumours of photographers and film crews abandoning the birth coverage, allegations which she has denied vehemently.

The celebrity mother has been allegedly filmed on multiple occasions drinking large quantities of alcohol, smoking cigarettes and snorting crack cocaine as well as freebasing the pure white crystals whilst pregnant.

Last week Kerry was given the all-clear after an ultrasound scan revealed she is holding a bag of pure cocaine ripe for the snorting when it finally pops out of her.

Her freeloader husband Mark, 37, was believed to have taken his heavily pregnant wife to hospital only after he finished the level he was playing on his computer game.

The couple, of Warrington, Cheshire, are already parents to unlucky one-year-old Foo-foo Dust.

Kerry has two other unfortunate girls with ex-Westlife star Brian McFadden – Blow Dust, six, and Candy C, five.

Nostradamus Obama Prophecies Revealed

D.W. Griffiths
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235
Nostradamus Obama Prophecies Revealed

Professor Eugene Randell, Deputy Director of the Smithsonian Institution Archives has released information pertaining to the up and coming US elections.

The Institute which holds some very rare Nostradamus manuscripts, believes that some of the quatrains written by the 16th century soothsayer are very close to describing the fight for the White House that is happening now.

“We have the only existing fourth edition of Nostradamus’ book Les Propheties (The Prophecies). There were thought to be only three editions published in 1558, this new edition is from 1559 and includes 20 more quatrains which have never been revealed before — that is, until now,” Professor Randell said from the archive office on Tuesday.

Nostradamus has been credited with predicting numerous events in world history, from the Great Fire of London,  the rise of Napoleon I of France, the French Revolution and Adolf Hitler, to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.

The professor told the Daily Squib that it is well known that some of the quatrains are open to interpretation however what he has translated from the previously unreleased manuscript will certainly “ruffle a few feathers”.

243
The great empire will be torn from limb,
The all-powerful one for more than four hundred years:
Great power given to the dark one from slaves come,
The Aryana will not be satisfied thereby.

Nostradamus‘ previously unreleased quatrains are a heavily guarded secret and the scholars have broken with tradition to reveal a few tidbits in the Smithsonian’s monthly circular.

We leave it to our esteemed readers to make up their own minds. However, it seems that with the release of the new quatrains the race for the White House may have been already written about many centuries ago.

Latest: Diana verdict: She’s Still Dead

D.W. Griffiths
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0
Latest: Diana verdict: She’s Still Dead


It has taken more than 90 days, 470 witnesses and a bill of £35 million to come to the conclusion that Diana Princess of Wales is still dead after many years of being buried underground in a grave.

The jury, after much heated deliberation, discarded the notion that Diana will be coming back anytime soon.

Outside the courthouse reporters and media personnel openly wept into their laptops at the awful news that stories about the late Princess Diana might be slowly winding down.

The lawyers who have been working on the groundbreaking case for the last ten years were also visibly distraught because the free for all money festival had finally ended. The lawyers were seen leaving the High Court in their top of the range Bentleys blubbering like tiny babies.

Lord Justice Scott Baker, who presided over one of the longest and
highest-profile inquests in British legal history, must hope, along with
most of the population, that the verdict will close the book on a ten-year
saga.

“The court hereby declares that Diana is not coming back to life and has been dead for quite some time now,” a spokesman for the court told the assembled throng of weeping reporters.

Surely this cannot be the end of all the Diana media stories and court cases? Watch this space, folks.

Snoop Dogg Announces New KKK Album

D.W. Griffiths
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4
Snoop Dogg Announces New KKK Album

The rap star’s record company announced on Friday that Snoop is in the middle of writing a new album about the Ku Klux Klan which is set to be his most controversial album to date.

The self-styled Doggfather and former Suge Knight poodle is, according to music site contactmusic.com, supporting Obama and his KKK affiliations and is fascinated by Ku Klux Klan memorabilia, even decking out a room in his LA mansion with the stuff.

“Snoop has a passion for the Ku Klux Klan and is even dedicating his time for a brief documentary on how things have changed in the last few years,” a spokesman for his label said.

After the Daily Squib broke the story about the Ku Klux Klan Endorsing Obama there has been a mass rally from rappers who have joined the KKK Obama election bandwagon.

Now rap starmaker and svengali Dr Dre is coming in on the act and is trying to get the binge eating druggy recluse Eminem out of hiding to do a special comeback album on the theme of black and white unity.

British music magazine Melody Maker has already published a playlist for Snoop Dogg’s new album with leaked track listings which include: Runnin’ Wit Da KKK, Gangsta Wizzard and Ku Klux Shizzazoes.

Snoop Dogg was quoted in the Guardian newspaper by music columnist Jack McCready as saying, “The KKK gave Obama some money. They was one of his biggest motherf*cking supporters… So f*cking what why wouldn’t they be? The media want to hurt the KKK unity with n*ggaz. They don’t want you to like what’s happening. They just want you to know that this motherf*cker befriended this other motherf*cker who be threatening your n*gger values. It’s all media BS, don’t listen to the hype motherf*ckers, listen to the motherf*cking music! Every time.”

Snoop Dogg will be releasing the KKK Chronic album in January through Geffen Records.

Heather Mills’ New Disguise Causes Concern

D.W. Griffiths
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1
Heather Mills’ New Disguise Causes Concern

After her exhausting and bitter divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney where she only managed to steal £25 million from the former Beatle, Heather Mills has undergone a drastic transformation. Out goes her striking blonde hairstyle and in comes a completely new look and even sex.

The 40-year-old was seen showing off her new ‘paedo-look’ on Friday as she left the Beverly Cosmetic Surgery Center — a stone’s throw from South Central LA, which advertises ‘complete appearance overhaul services’ with ‘walk-ins welcome’.

According to reports from the tabloid press, Heather chose this clinic in a slum area of LA because the Guatemalan surgeons do not ask questions and it is also unregulated by any medical authority so she can have any cosmetic surgical procedure completed without any questions asked.

By changing her appearance from Heather Mills to Gary Glitter she has already moved up in popularity because ‘even the image of Glitter is an improvement to her previous self’. An assistant working at the cosmetic surgery clinic told the Daily Squib that Heather even considered changing her appearance to that of Michael Jackson but backed off at the last moment when the price of the surgery was flashed up in front of her.

The complete surgical transformation is said to have cost Heather over £5 million. However, experts say it is good money spent as she would do well to ditch her old look. “It is no surprise that she has opted for the jailed paedophile look because they’re two birds of a feather. Heather Mills is now Gary Glitter’s long lost twin. Whatever is going on in her head must be pretty strange but maybe this is a way of reconciling the fact that she does not deserve the money she got from Paul,” Dr Rosenbaum of the Beverly Hills Celebrity Psychology Unit told the Daily Squib.

 


Heather Mills, Before – After


After acquiring Sir Paul’s money in the court case, Heather was even criticised by the divorce case judge, Mr Justice Bennett, as a ‘less than candid witness’ who had a ‘warped perception’ of the world and ‘indulged in make-believe’.

Heather flew to Los Angeles from New York, where she endured over 42 hours of surgery at the specialist clinic.

She was said to be less than keen to hang around in the Big Apple after reportedly having a ‘blazing row’ with Sir Paul over when Bea would be introduced to his new girlfriend, American millionairess Nancy Shevell.

Sir Paul was staying in the exclusive Carlyle Hotel there after spending the previous week with 47-year-old Nancy in Antigua.

On Wednesday Heather was seen in New York sporting a Pirates of the Caribbean disguise resplendent with peg leg and hook arm – the first time she has been spotted in public since she travelled to the US to recover from the trauma of only winning £25 million in the court case.

She was reportedly enraged that Sir Paul has found someone else so quickly after their divorce, but after her new cosmetic surgery she is much more optimistic about her future — especially when she moves to the Far East next June.

Boy Considered School Outcast for Not Stabbing Enough

D.W. Griffiths
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0
Boy Considered School Outcast for Not Stabbing Enough

A Manchester Primary has been shut down today because there have not been enough stabbings again. There have been sporadic incidents of children refusing to carry knives or participate in frenzied stabbing sessions down the local chippy near the school.

The Labour Children’s Secretary, was down here last week and he approved of the mass stabbings that go on a daily basis. He said that we are well up in the Labour stab league and we should therefore get more funding for our school this year from central government to buy more knives,” says Headmaster of Gleeford Primary in Salford, Manchester.

These certainly are worrying times for the Labour government who for ten years have put all their efforts into producing a sub-class of feral children that are terrorising the general population or those who are not of the chav class.

The Labour government has inundated their impoverished heartland areas with encouragement to continue the violent crime sprees by reducing court cases and prison sentences to a minimum. In some areas chav teens are not even prosecuted for their first murder offence but given an ASBO or ABC and told to attend a Kenyan safari trip paid for by the British taxpayer.

Stab Britain

Young boys in deprived areas (90% of Labour’s Britain) are being ostracised for not carrying knifes to school or participating in stabbings.

Attire is also a very important part of the new breed of Labour children. They usually wear hoods which obscure their faces as well as an assortment of cheap tracksuits and faux gold jewelry.

Yesterday, in Prime Minister’s questions, the Home Secretary put forward a plan to integrate more children into the Labour credo of stabbing: “Children who have grown up in the era of Labour ‘change’ are now violent feral thugs who commit murder at the drop of a hat. You may be sitting at a bus stop and a hoodie will come up to you and stick a six inch kitchen knife into your back as you board it, these are the next generation of kids who have grown up under Labour’s ideals and standards. This is why if you want our nation to carry on with this attitude you all must back Labour in the next election in ten years when you will all be eligible to vote for a new Labour leader again.”

Labour, since it has been in power, has reduced the number of police on the streets and has made a concerted effort to encourage violent crime so that normal citizens have to live in perpetual fear of death.

Modern Britain under Labour is a crime ridden bloodbath where wild rat children happily celebrate their tenth birthday with a stabbing or two thus pleasing their friends, and it seems the current government. Labour’s legacy is of course borne of that famous phrase uttered almost ten years ago: “Education, education, education”.

Beijing Olympic Flame Arrives in Tibet

D.W. Griffiths
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0
Beijing Olympic Flame Arrives in Tibet

Jiang Xiaoyu (C), the executive vice president of the Beijing
Organizing Committee for the 2008 Olympic Games (BOCOG), showed off the Tibetan buddhist monk who was the Olympic flame to the assembled International press crews in the  Lhasa main square.

Amidst the Chinese troops beating and shooting unarmed Tibetan civilians and monks there was an air of calm as the Tibetan monk who is the Beijing Olympic flame sat quietly burning.

Jiang Xiaoyu (C), the executive vice president of the Beijing
Organizing Committee for the 2008 Olympic Games (BOCOG) exclaimed: “This is historic day for Olympic game. China very proud to be part of the spirit of the Olympic flame. You can pour more gasoline on him now Xiang Xzong or the Olympic flame go out.”

The Chinese Olympics promises to be a smouldering success.

First Ever African American Joins Ku Klux Klan

D.W. Griffiths
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13
First Ever African American Joins Ku Klux Klan

After the announcement in February that the Ku Klux Klan endorsed the first ever African American presidential candidate, there have been celebrations all over America within all communities whether black, white, Hispanic or Asian.

Irrespective of religion, creed or colour there has been a joining of forces that has been unrivalled in American history.

“I want to thank the Daily Squib for being the ones who had the guts to run the story in the first place. Without them there wouldn’t be the mass unity that we are now seeing. The race issue is always brushed under the carpet in the United States and we need to address it,” Ron Emerson told us from his Washington offices on Capitol Hill where he is spearheading a race awareness campaign for Obama’s 2008 Election candidacy.

It seems what we are truly seeing a shift in the politics of a nation that has been fractured for quite some time.

This is how America should be – a land where everyone stands together with “justice and freedom for all.”

Senator Obama has brought unity to America already with his campaign and his forthright stature has remained untarnished amongst the mudslinging oppositional reposts.

“The Democrats have damaged their own ranks and now it is time for true unity if we really want to win this thing. I read the comments people left behind on the Daily Squib KKK Obama article and I see a true hunger that people have to express their feelings on this issue. Isn’t it funny that it took a newspaper from England to address these real issues because the US media is scared to even go there,” an Obama campaigner from Illinois said.

Indeed, there needs to be a forum for informed discussion on the subjects mentioned above and it is a testament to the Daily Squib that the Ku Klux Klan are finally opening the doors after hundreds of years in the wilderness to a man of colour.

Cleavant Tupac D’shaun lives in Kentucky and is 43 years old. He lives a quiet life in the small town of Bear Wallow, Kentucky and is unemployed. He has 12 children and is a proud African American of Jamaican descent.

“I joined the KKK because they were recruiting in town one day and I thought I would give it a go for some fun. A kind looking old white gentleman with a cape said that there would be free food at the KKK HQ and a party for all.”

After the joining ceremony where Cleavant was inducted into the Ku Klux Klan he was given a cloak of his own and told to swear an oath to uphold the true Christian values which have been the cornerstone of the KKK since the beginning of their organisation.

The Daily Squib asked the local Ku Klux Klan office what the reasoning in their actions was and if this was a true gesture of solidarity with African American people across America.

“These are small steps for the Klan but today was a historic moment for the Klan as a whole. We have embraced our Christian brothers whatever their colour or sexuality. Jesus himself was a dark-skinned Jewish man with a hook nose and he is our true saviour. We must reach out and throw away the horrible prejudices of the past eras which are entrenched in awful ignorance and isolationism,” Imperial Knighthawk, Enos Vinton told the Daily Squib.

Enos then lights up a huge Jamaican spliff resembling a Camberwell carrot, inhales for a few seconds then blows the wondrous smoke out sighing with pleasure.

Looks like the KKK have finally found their true roots.

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