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Great Britain to be Renamed Tesco Island

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Every ‘Tesco Island’ town and city centre now has over 500 Tesco stores all competing for the same business.

Tesco supersores are also a large part of Tesco Isle’s countryside, with large swathes of greenery now taken over by vast car parks and immense warehouses dominating the landscape.

Tesco Island now has a flourishing economy where 98% of all goods in the former United Kingdom purchased by the public are Tesco items.

Tesco Superstores sell only the finest fresh quality foods and now even have a store in famous landmarks like St Tesco’s Cathedral, Big BenTesco, the Tower of Tescondon and Stonehenge Tesco Superstore.

The Queen made the ‘Tesco Island’ name change announcement from the world famous Buckingham Tesco Palace store today, and congratulated the Tesco Chief Executive, Sir Tesco Tesco from the state frozen food section.

Sir Tesco was then presented with one of Tesco’s own award winning Tesco Value cheddar cheese blocks as a thank you from the nation.

Tesco Value cheddar is cheap compared to other cheeses — you get a 1.004kg block for £3.50. It rarely crumbles because of the processed ingredients and is great when grated over baked potatoes. Buy Tesco Value cheddar now and you and your family will not be disappointed.

Every Little Tesco Helps

The Houses of Tesco in Tescominster held a ‘two for the price of one’ promotion on Tesco’s own Value weak ale from the Northern Tesco Isles. Prime Minister Tes Tesc Tesco was seen clutching a bottle of ‘Tesco Courage’, a particularly weak ale brewed in Tescohampton.

If you take a trip down to Tesco-on-Sea this summer for your hols you will not be short of choice with Tesco stores to shop in. Tesco even has twenty five stores and kiosks on the pier and are even planning a Tesco cruise ship so you can cruise the Tesco channel and enjoy Tesco products at your leisure.

United Kingdom of Tesco

The former British Isles are now populated by over 30 million Tesco stores and there is now talk of further expansion into Europe, North America and Space.

Alpha Centauri Tesco

Sir Tesco Tesco announced the launch of the first Tesco satellite system last week at his sprawling 3000 acre mansion in the county of Tescoshire.

The Tesco satellite will monitor the world and galaxy for potential Tesco store placements and beam down coordinates of shoppers who try to shop in rival supermarket chains.

A Tesco spacestation store is planned for earth orbit in 2019 and will be the flagship store for space travellers on their way to the Tesco superstore on Mars.

Britney’s Photoshoppers go on Strike

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The dedicated team of photoshop artists and retouchers who have been instrumental in Britney’s media image were on strike today.

The twenty strong team are usually working 24 hours a day on their high-end Macs churning out doctored pictures of Britney, but for now are relegated to playing video games in their studio.

“I’ve had enough, man! We don’t get paid enough for this stuff. It used to be about a few alterations like a pimple here or there. She is unworkable now, she is so fu**ed up. No amount of photoshop can save her now,” Scott Wilson is head digital retoucher for the team and holds up a picture of Britney looking bloated, sweating and drugged up.

There seems to be no communication between the Spears management team either, adding to further frustrations.

Ms Spears goes through one manager per week and is currently looking for another one at the moment.

John Roberts recounts the ‘good ol’ days’, “I was there in the beginning when Britney was wearing her school uniform and miming to the songs on MTV. Now she can’t even mime right, plus she looks like a cross between Ron Jeremy and a trailer-trash two bit hooker on Meth.”

“Our team has worked on digitally creating tropical rainforests and ancient Rome from scratch, but Britney is the biggest challenge we have ever had, and i’m sorry to say we gave up on this one.”

Speaking from their LA offices on Wiltshire, the team are now looking for other work.

Monopoly Game Money Beats Weak US Dollar

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Economic analysts were shocked yesterday at how far the dollar/greenback has fallen from grace.

One Monopoly note is now worth $23.27 as of writing this article. The US dollar is now way below the Mexican Peso or Guatemalan Quetzal for the first time in history.

“I paid for my breakfast this morning with Monopoly money from my son’s board game at home. I tried to pay with dollars, but they were rejected by the diner staff. With 50 Monopoly money notes I was able to buy a full New York breakfast including eggs, waffles, sausage, hash browns, fresh fruit and a side order of prime bagels,” Jim Weinstein, chief investment strategist for Morgan Stanley’s Global Wealth Management Group, recounted from his 353rd floor office on WTC 7.

The US Federal Reserve is now relocating its offices to Toys R Us and other top toy retailers that sell Monopoly games.

The US Dollar is worthless, and all around the USA people have been finding novel uses for it.

Jane McCorkey from Alabama used to have $250,000 under her bed stashed away from a life of hard labour. Now 63 years old, she is using the money to heat her home for the winter because ‘dollars burn real good.’

Amy Robinson and her family of seven from Tacoma, Washington were planning a once in a lifetime trip to Europe for a week and saved up $24,000 over 15 years. Now that the US dollar does not even register on the world markets, they are using the paper US dollar money as papier mâché puppets for the children’s entertainment on cold dark winter nights.

There are further fears about the quality of Monopoly board game money, with 2 million board games recalled last week because the Chinese manufacturers coated each note with lead and arsenic. The recall caused Monopoly money to shoot up in value overnight, even coming close to the Nicaraguan Córdoba.

Meanwhile in the White House, George W Bush and his aides were filmed last week playing the Monopoly board game with the now defunct US dollar.

President Bush has been praised for his great leadership and economic miracle by the Fox News Network on Wednesday with another groveling sycophantic brown-nosing session from Bill O’Reilly.

Heather Mills Grows Third Leg

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Scientists are today astonished that ‘Lucky’ Heather Mills, the soon to be ‘very rich’ ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney, has grown an extra limb.

The astounding spectacle was discovered at the Los Angeles studios for the new Come Dancing series.

Heather was invited onto the show by producers because of the high ratings that were received from her sterling appearance on Dancing With the D-List Celebrities series.

Lady Mucca who was seen attending court last Thursday in central London was spied in a wheelchair
with a face that looked like a smacked arse. She declined to make any
comment to Squib reporter Ernest Bunkerwinkle but instead continued to
feign agony.

Lights, camera, action!

Audience members on the show were astonished to see her appear from the wings and careen across the dance floor like a caterpillar.

“She moved fast, man! I never seen anyone move like that. One second she was there, then next she was on the other motherfu**ing side!” an excited audience member told the Daily Squib.

“It was hard for her partner to keep up with her moves. She was twirling, spinning and scuttling across the dance floor like a spider on methamphetamine,” said Len Goodman, one of the judges who dared make a comment after the performance.

The rest of the judges for the competition however are debating whether a three legged dancer is permissible. The rules clearly state that contestants must be human with two legs or less.

Len Goodman is backing Heather all the way because he has three pet tarantulas at home and is not an arachnophobe.

Comrade Brown Provides New Homes for Proles

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The Green Belt will be stripped of its remaining protection on orders from Comrade Brown’s twelve year prole housing expansion Vision of Change plan.

The British countryside is a functional state building site and all trees and grass will be uprooted forthwith, except for a government approved patch here and there for the children to play in on designated play times.

The Supreme Comrade’s plans for three million
houses and flats over the next 12 years will meet the need for
cheap homes, say Government advisers.

A further 1,950,000 will be built, many of them to cope with immigrant workers, they add.

Ministers have responded by offering incentives to town halls for deforestation of large areas of the countryside.

Housing Minister Comrade Yvette Cooper promised councils Treasury grants
running to £50 a house, with more cash on offer for those who
actively seek out new forests and country parks for bulldozing.

Critics and vile democratic sympathisers called the payments bribes to persuade town halls to ignore the protests of residents and voters. Labour state party officials have moved in quickly to quell any traitorous show of discontent or protests by these coward democracy-loving traitors to the Vision of Change.

“These people will be hunted down and made an example of for standing in the way of the Vision of Change. Our supreme Comrade Brown, state leader and commander in chief, has asked for protected countryside, forests and quaint English streams to be bulldozed over and then filled with concrete.”

Countryside campaigners have been rounded up by Government politburo officials and are now on the way to Sector 231 Science Town where they will undergo useful state run experiments.

Yesterday’s state announcement for
further new housing followed a succession of reports delivered to state officials saying the Green Belt will be opened up for development.

 


Comrade Brown’s Eco Town S265 Sector 101

The latest was produced by the Stasi National Housing and Planning Advice
Unit, a body staffed by high ranking politburo officials set up by the 2004 Comrade Barker review of
prole housing.

Housing Minister Comrade Cooper says Britain will benefit from offering further squalid ‘social housing’ developments.

That inquiry, headed by Comrade Brown’s favourite social Stasi economist Comrade Kate Barker, recommends the scrapping of Green Belt protection and putting concrete in place of grass.

“Concrete is much more efficient and our vision is of a supreme grey land with wonderful state social housing for all.”

The report orders for mass countryside concreting and house-building to go to
the ‘least affordable regions’ – in other words, Sector 76 (the South).

Comrade Cooper welcomed it and ordered the unelected regional assemblies set up by Labour to begin building the new homes it wants.

She said the document, “underlines yet again why there is no need for a ‘countryside’ for future generations. It should provide a further
wake-up call to regional assemblies to support the homes party workers and mass factory assembly lines need.”

Her incentive payments and backhanders will go to councils which allow housing to grow at a high rate.


Comrade Brown’s Eco Town S348 Sector 54

After a bulldozing rate of 9.75 per cent a year is passed, they will
receive £100 from the Treasury on top of backhanders they are allowed to
extract from developers under ‘planning gain’ rules.

In four years time this will rise to £50 for every home built. Every forest and green piece of countryside that is concreted over will receive a payment of £250 per 1000 acres. Councils are falling over themselves to embrace this wonderful incentive to concrete over something that will never be reclaimed ever again – the countryside.

There will also be more backhanders for ‘councils who are identifying good countryside areas for more homes’.

This comes on top of Whitehall state grants already paid to Stasi town halls which speed up planning permission for developments on countryside locations.

The
Stasi National Housing and Planning Advice Unit report said Comrade Brown’s target
of 540,000 homes a year should be raised to 970,000.

The
body’s chairman, Comrade Stephen Nickell, said: ‘If we fail to act a
generation of proles will not be able to take a trip to the ‘countryside’ and not step on concrete. Grass meadows, greenery, flowers and trees are all enemies of the states vision of our supreme Comrade Brown’

The Stasi report revealed that Whitehall is preparing to raise its estimate of the number of homes needed for immigrants.

 

Comrade Brown’s Eco Town S810 Sector 654. Some grass was allowed to remain.

Neil Sinden of the Campaign to Protect Rural England said the advice
unit’s report ‘bears little relation to what needs to happen in
reality’.

Robert Whelan of the Civitas think tank added:
‘Ministers like Comrade Yvette Cooper always talk about homes for prole workers and first-time Stasi officials.

‘Everybody knows the biggest cause of demand for housing is immigration.

‘Most people think it would be better to restrict immigration than abandon the Green Belt.’

Neil Sinden and Robert Whelan have been transferred to Gulag Town B109 in Sector 101 (Northern England).

 

Notice: B64362 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Christmas Comes Early in Iraq This Year

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Specialist Meat Johnsons is giving out gifts to Iraqi children this year with great gusto. This is his third tour of duty and he is loving his time in Iraq.

“I get to shoot people for fun and get paid for that. Best job in the world, I tell ya.”

Meat then unloads several rounds into the mass of Iraqi children, and there are cheers all round from the platoon.

The ‘surge’ is working, and many Iraqis are being eradicated daily with US mass killing targets being breached every day. Senior level Pentagon planners are marveling at the efficiency and speed at which the civilians are being murdered in cold blood.

Medal of Honour

This month alone, 23 purple hearts were handed out in recognition of killing targets being met. George W Bush is happy to bring the gift of Christmas to the Iraqi people on the end of a gun barrel. His address this week to Congress was met with thunderous applause from both Republicans and Democrats alike.

“Every bullet is signed and delivered from the barrel of Jesus’ gun. This is what America does — we bring Jesus and Democracy to the Iraqis. I heard there are rumours on the internets that we are losing the war on terrors. This is false, because we are bringing terror to these people every day, and all under the American flag, dammit!”

Spreading the love of Jesus

Specialist Meat Johnsons carries on giving the gift of Christmas to the Iraqi children this year, just like he did last year.

He has also made it his personal mission to spread as much depleted uranium as possible before his tour ends in July 2008.

RAMADI – Iraq – Santa delivering some early Christmas gifts to Iraqi children

Winning the hearts and minds of the world is a US strategy that has truly been endorsed by the Americans.

Next stop is Iran, when the Americans bomb nuclear sites and spread radioactive dust over the whole Middle East, as well as create World War III.

Christmas has definitely come early this year.

Royal Blackmail Video Shocker

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When he’s not frequenting the exclusive Amika club in Kensington or snorting vodka shots up his nose, the errant Prince Harry likes to wear a uniform and pretend to be in the army. He is a fine example of the modern royal family and its high standing stature.

The Prince’s girlfriend, moneyed chav Chelsy Davy, sneezes white crystalline dust into her Belvedere Vodka mixed with copious amounts of red bull and tonic. As the high octane booze enters her already sozzled system, she burps with an Afrikaans accent and her eyes roll back in the sockets.

Prince Harry’s entourage of 30 hangers on all cheer as Chelsy falls over backwards totally out of her head on drink and drugs. Another wild Amika night on the tiles and all paid for by the taxpayer.

The bill every night is approximately three to five thousand pounds which equates to about £1,825,000 per annum on alcohol alone for Prince Harry and his entourage. Everything is taken care of by the taxpayer, so there is no need to worry.

It is no news then that the British royal family has been rocked by allegations that one of their kind gave a royal servant oral relief.

Two conspirators, Ian Strachan and Sean McGuigan, are now in jail awaiting their fate for trying to blackmail the Royal house.

The only thing that surprises us is that a member of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan was not on the receiving end of the blow job, but the one who dealt the deed out. Which one of them could it be?

Related Articles:

Harry to go to War

Sex Pistols Corporate Financial Come-Back Revenue Tour

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We meet in the plush offices of the Sex Pistols media conglomerate empire to talk to senior executive John Lydon about the forthcoming monetary concert Audit Documentation Period.

Mr Lydon speaks with authority on the subject of his vision for the punk genre and his group. “The period up to the financial half yearly accountancy point has yielded great dividends and mature annuity within the aforementioned procedural revenue collection exercise.”

We then ask Mr Lydon for his thoughts on how the Sex Pistols within the punk movement has progressed since the 70’s. “I had a board meeting last night on this exact same issue. The Pistols are committed to high standards of corporate governance. The board considers that the punk movement and specifically the Sex Pistols has complied throughout the years with the code provisions set out in section 1 of the AGM EMI manual and the Revised Code of Corporate Governance which was issued in July 1977 to July 2007 (‘the code’), except as regards the length of Directors’ service contracts, which is discussed in the Renumeration report on pages 47 and 48, and the combination of the roles of Chairman and Chief Executive.”

Cross Collateralisation

It seems John Lydon who once shouted ‘Anarchy in the UK’ and rejected all corporate mores has firmly embraced the ways of the corporation in middle age.

The Sex Pistols, who once were purveyors of large globules of spittle and hatred to all that was associated with mass control systems and consumerist banality, are now just like any other corporate entity.

Sell Out?

We ask Lydon if he thinks he sold out.

“As
Chairman of the Sex Pistols franchise, my corporate team of Glen
Matlock, Paul Cook and Steve Jones are all beneficiaries to the holy
compilation report. We do not have any souls anymore and are now part
of the bottom-sniffing financial jargon spouting suit-brigade which we fought so hard
against in the early days.”


ROCE ‘n’ Roll


The Sex Pistols are planning to open a Sex Pistols theme park in the Hollywood Hills in December and are currently conducting a revenue collection exercise (touring).

The Sex Pistols will also be appearing on ‘Ant and Decs Celebrity Phone Rip-Off’ this Saturday on ITV1. To vote for who wins the cheque for £2 million – Ant or Dec – CALL 08981 2345 3873 Calls cost £485/minute. No need to consult the owner of the phone line before calling in.

 

Pavarotti Wrote Secret Opera

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The first aria begins with two prima donnas bickering with intensity over their dead husband’s grave. The two first ladies each try to outwit the other with their prowess at song and wit. The subject, of course, is their deceased husband Pavarotti’s immense fortune and who should get the largest portion of the huge vault of money and jewels.

The second movement of the opera involves the two prima donnas being taken aback by the tenor arriving on stage as a lawyer informing them that their husband actually had a huge amount of debt and no fortune.

The denoument for the musical/visual feast involves the two prima donnas bickering on who should not inherit their husband’s debt, whilst the ghost of their late husband looks on and chuckles at the cynical bickering hags.

Composers from Teatro La Fenice have been poring over the manuals and have found it to be fully intact, as well as a wonderful composition rivalling anything by Rossini.

The opera will be staged worldwide in 2008 and will be performed by the famous Burlesconi opera group.

George W Bush Secures Six-Figure Book Deal

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The President of the United States of America, George W Bush, is going to write an instructional manual which will be published in 2009.

The president was offered a six-figure sum as an advance to complete the tell-all tome. The six-figure sum will be paid in Iraqi Dinars and is worth more than $200 at the current exchange rate.

The publishing arm of the Daily Squib brokered the deal with Pentagon aides yesterday at the White House.

The riveting read will expose the inner workings of the President and his cabal of White House aides over the years.

The book will form the centrepiece to his term in office and will also be utilised in American schools along with other Presidential favourites like “My Pet Goat”.

 



The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Complete Idiot
by George W Bush will be published by DAILY SQUIB PUBLISHING on April 1 2009. Pre-Order your copy at Amazon.com or any decent book retailer now.

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