“This guy could f*ck up a cup of coffee,” Edward Brompton Smythe, a non-dom billionaire who has funded the Conservative party for the past five years told the Daily Telegraph.

“He’s about as useful as a screen door on a f*cking submarine,” another non-dom Conservative funder said.

“You could hand him the first prize on a silver platter and he’d still manage to come last,” a third billionaire non-dom Tory fundraiser told the Telegraph yesterday.

The Conservatives are currently trailing Labour in the polls and are set to lose the upcoming election when Britain’s voters elect Gordon Brown for another five years of office.

“We are currently scouting places in Africa for her release back into the wild. It will be kind of sad to see her go, but we feel it is the best for her and the best for us as well. Check out these scratches over my face, yeah, I fuckin’ had enough already,” Jane Rainers, Ms Campbell’s trainer told National Geographic magazine.

After a series of horrendous attacks on maids, limousine drivers, taxi drivers and even armed policemen, the team of handlers and carers have had to put Naomi back into her steel cage before she is released into the wild next week.

“It was all going so well, she would sometimes even smile at people, and then it all went horribly wrong. She would lash out with her claws, growl and say the most horrid things, I guess all that training to try and domesticate her was fruitless. Well, now she’s going back to Africa and we’ll stick her back in the Savanna where she can roam freely. There won’t be a catwalk in sight just a few big cats,” Mrs Rainers added.

Two days ago there was a massive scare in New York city when Campbell went on a rampage after escaping from her luxury Manhattan apartment. During her rampage she was witnessed “slapping and biting” anyone who came into her view. She was later captured and sedated with a dart gun after trying to climb a lamp post.

The research team involved in the care of Ms Campbell highlights the need for further projects similar to theirs so that animals are better prepared for living in their
natural environment.

This could include reducing contact with humans,
creating opportunities for hunting and encouraging the formation of
natural social groups, while the animals are still in captivity.

The
researchers also raised the need for long-term monitoring of released
animals, so that success could be measured over several years. In
addition, Campbell’s handlers call for engagement with local
communities before any reintroduction, especially as most carnivore
extinctions were originally caused through conflict between animals and
humans.

Britain’s polls are gleaming with the jism of Labour’s pre-election ejaculate, with over half the country desperate for another five years of Gordon Brown.

Speaking from his Number10 bunker deep within the bowels of Downing Street, our unelected leader relayed this message to the people of Britain:

“I thank the masses for their vote of confidence in my leadership. I would also like to reassure the population that I am dedicated to working for you indefinitely. This is why, it is my election promise that once you vote for me for the very first time, it will be a lifetime vote. I will change the electoral system so that not you or anyone else will ever be rid of me, I will re-engineer the first-past-the-post system to only cater for a vote for me. The proletariat have for far too long been under the misapprehension that their vote counted, well I bid to take away the dishonesty of that illusion and simply create a system of one vote one candidate. Every five or six years, I will call an election where the masses can all vote for me in the polling booths. There will only be one choice, and that will be me. You see, comrades, this will make your lives so much easier, you will never have to think about other candidates, Tories, Lib Dems or Loonies. Instead you will just have my clunking fist of authority to protect you all from yourselves, you will just have my rules and control freakery, my parades and the ghastly Magda Goebbels necromancer, Mrs Sarah Brown, feeding you all the great PR that you love to lap up without question.

“The new system that I have designed will ensure that the British population will be cast into perpetual darkness and economic turmoil for the next hundred years, yes comrades, there will be some riots, it is to be expected, but of course these will be ruthlessly crushed by the brave Bolshevik warriors and storm troopers. I shall also unleash my wrath onto those that opposed me before my rise to power, those that dared to question my ultimate authority. These vermin shall be rooted out one by one by my loyal Stasi officers and dispatched to the gulags up North.

“Comrades, after the votes are counted by my henchmen, they will relay the results from North to South, from East to West. I will have won the election and there will be celebrations in the streets as the people realise that they have made the only correct choice in voting for me. I have the results right here in my hand. I will make it my mission to introduce more laws that will restrict your everyday freedoms, to increase the surveillance on you, to take away your property, your wealth will be no more. Under the New Soviet Order, there will be no need for the dregs of capitalism, the material consumerist worthless junk which you are so accustomed to. Instead I shall show you greater things, like how to work harder when you are digging in the salt mines, or how to survive for six months on two pieces of bread and a bowl of gruel. You see, comrades, I am here to help you, and I thank you all for standing there and not doing anything whilst I, my commissars and officers have trampled over everything your ancestors fought for. Here, I spit in your soup and there, you eat it up you pathetic wretches.”

After the speech was televised on all channels including BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4, BBC5, BBC6, BBC7 – BBC45, there were reports of cheers in the streets and flag waving calling “Hail, Comrade Brown. Hail, the great supreme unelected leader of the Soviet British people!”

“We have noticed a massive spike in ticket sales for the Killer Whale attraction, so we decided to investigate further,” Jim Alimenteris, Seaworld’s Director of Sales told Florida Weekly.

According to Mr Alimenteris, what he found was quite shocking.

“We discovered that the tickets were being bought by men for their mother-in-laws to attend Killer Whale shows. Some even paid large sums of money to get their mother-in-laws on the front row, right next to the Killer Whale pool,” Mr Alimenteris said.

Looks like it is a win win situation for both parties, Seaworld welcomes the increase in sales, and the men could possibly be rid of their mother-in-laws forever.

Mr Alimenteris even disclosed information on a celebrity ticket sale: “We had a British footballer buy his mother-in-law exclusive tickets to pet the Killer Whales, his name is Ashley Cole? Never heard of him, but he was very adamant on the phone that his mother-in-law should attend the after show Killer Whale petting session.”

“Michael was a secret Catholic priest when he was not touring or making music videos. He would dress up in all of the vestments and attend choir singing competitions where he could show the young boys his expertise in singing. He just did what all Catholic priests love to do and that’s preach the gospel to young boys,” Reverend Dave Handell told the LA Times.

According to the files released yesterday, Jackson toured America and Europe for secret meetings with church members so that he could preach the gospel. He was also said to have attended special rituals in the Vatican just before he died of a fatal overdose last summer.

“He wanted it all to be hushed up. The pope met the king of pop in some of the secret catacombs underneath the Holy See. It is rumoured that special rituals are performed in these catacombs but none of the victims on whom the rituals are conducted have survived to tell the tale of what goes on down there,” Alan Holdsworth, one of the organists in the Vatican said.

Michael Jackson fans all over the world were jubilant to hear the holy news and are now calling for the late pop singer to be sainted by the Catholic church for his stellar work with children.

Pope Benedict was petitioned by thousands of Jackson fans yesterday in St. Peter’s Square. The pope nodded graciously and acknowledged the pleas for Jackson’s canonisation.

“One minute the Killer Whale was swimming around gnashing its teeth and the next it jumped up and chomped on its owner. These Killer Whales sure are dangerous huh!” Vince Kiebold, a rescue worker who attended the scene told Florida’s F-TV network.

Killer Whales, as their name suggests, can be quite dangerous and are rather predisposed to the tendency to kill say some leading experts.

“When Killer Whales bite you, that means they’re simply doing what is natural to them, that’s why we call them Killer Whales folks. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to keep them as pets and try to train them to do silly tricks,” Dr Woody Guthrie, told National Geographic magazine.

Every day thousands of Number10 staffers wake up afraid to go to Downing Street to put up with another day of physical and verbal abuse from the unelected PM, Gordon Brown.

“Bullying is a problem that affects many who work around the great ‘clunking fist’ of comrade Brown and must be stamped out”, a leading cabinet officer told the Guardian newspaper yesterday.

“Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. They have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

“Although most bullies think they’re the best and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past — maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

“Bullies like Gordon Brown have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist,” Jan Newbury, an anti-bullying worker from the recently shut-down National Anti-Bullying Helpline disclosed.

Leaflets are currently being printed in an effort to curb the bullying by Gordon Brown and his key henchman, Ed Balls, and should be distributed to staff who work in the proximity of the unelected prime monster by next week.