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Uncovered Photos of Obama’s Secret Seventies Disco Funk Past

by Bally O'Toole
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62
Uncovered Photos of Obama’s Secret Seventies Disco Funk Past

Barack Hussein Obama was the king of disco. When he took the floor during the hot summer of 1977 in the sweaty dance venues of New York City he burned up the dance floor like a man possessed.

“I remember Barack. I mean who could forget this cat, he was dumping quaalude and blow like it was candy. He could dance for three days non-stop and still look like a million bucks. We called him ‘The Kid’ because he was so young. His costumes were outrageous as well and he would sometimes have three or four young men hanging round him at a time such was his prowess. I can’t believe he’s president now, the kid is now President of the United States of motherfuggin’ A,” Arnold DeWinter, a bus boy who worked at Studio 54 recounted.

 

Imagine the lights and the disco balls gleaming, the sweaty bodies of a thousand debauched revellers getting down and ‘doin’ the hustle’.

 

Chocolate City

“It was like the Mothership done landed in New York city right there in 1977. Barack would blow disco jiving revellers away with his dance moves and his wacky fashions that would make even members of Parliament look twice. I mean the guy could do the Freak and he was one of the dudes who inspired Nile Rodgers man…Barack was right there that night when Chic was refused entry to Studio 54. He went back to their loft apartment in Manhattan and that’s where they snorted some long lines and wrote Le Freak. He never got credited though,” Jonty McMahon, a Studio 54 regular recalled.

The pictures of Barack in one of his costumes is being released for the first time and is causing a media storm all over the internet and international press.

 

Obama photographed posing for pictures in Central Park, New York, 1977

“These pictures sure bring a new slant to Barack Obama. The guy is seen as some kind of superhuman magic man who can walk on water. Well, he looks pretty human in these photos. I don’t think even Michael knows about these and I’m sure Barack is going to get a clip round the ear for never telling her about his real past,” Joel Ephrahim of JCW PR in Washington said after seeing the images.

The incoming President of the United States seems to have a few skeletons in his closet, and that’s not including some outfits that would make even Bootsy Collins blush.

Israeli Blitzkrieg Bombs Gaza Rubble into Smaller Pieces of Rubble

by Bally O'Toole
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7
Israeli Blitzkrieg Bombs Gaza Rubble into Smaller Pieces of Rubble

The Israeli honoratioren have decided to bomb Gaza’s plentiful rubble pile into smaller pieces again.

Commandant Mosher Treblinka told CNN news: “This is a friedenssturm, a blitzkrieg on the rubble in Gaza resulting in a holocaust of huge proportions. We felt that their piles of rubble were too large so we decided to bomb them into even smaller pieces of rubble. I have also ordered the Panzergruppen from the East, South and West to attack tomorrow so they can blow up even more pieces of rubble. We will crush the Gaza rubble into dust under our Panzers. It is our erbhöfe that we pummel these rocks into dust.”

Israeli Verfügungstruppe officers and the awaiting Arbeitnehmerschaft will then be mobilised once the incursion is completed and all the remaining rubble that has escaped being crushed will be sealed and returned to Israel where it will be crushed into fine dust by industrial machinery.

Unsere Ehre heisst Treue

“How dare they have big pieces of rubble in Gaza. This is a disgrace. We will set up more camps for the displaced untermenschen away from our populations and without any decent amenities or essentials like food or water. It is imperative that they are left to die whilst we guzzle our plentiful food and water supplies. The untermenschen are an unzuverlässige elemente and should be approached with extreme caution,” the commandant added.

Later on in the day during the prolonged carpet bombing of the Gaza dust and rubble there was a brief moment of rest so that the head of the Israeli army could address the people and bring volksgemeinschaft to the nation.

Woolworths Consigned to the Bargain Bucket of Recession Britain

by Bally O'Toole
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0
Woolworths Consigned to the Bargain Bucket of Recession Britain

“I’ve been pilfering sweets from the pick’n’mix counter since I was a lil bairn,” Lee Chavvard from Maidenhead revealed.

As he sifts through the closing down sale he stuffs a few Robbie Williams cd’s from the bargain bucket into his tracksuit bottoms.

The closing down sales have attracted dedicated shoplifters from all over the country for one last nostalgic stealing session.

Ryan, 11, has been stealing from Woolworths since he was two years old: “The first thing I ever nicked was a pack of mars bars and a bouncy ball, my mum taught me how to do it and we would go there every week for many years.”

Shoplifters from all over the UK congregated outside the Woolworths flagship store and conducted a silent candle lit vigil yesterday. As a gesture of appreciation to Woolworths they converged on the store and cleaned it out completely, including the light fixtures and shelving units.

“I’ve still got a tear in me eye, it’s bloody heartbreaking it is. I’ve been stealing from this store for thirty long years. I’ve got nowhere else to go now,” a tearful Beryl Tweedy from Slough told the Daily Squib.

Internet Thoughtcrimes and Free Speech Will Be Punished

by Bally O'Toole
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3
Internet Thoughtcrimes and Free Speech Will Be Punished

The Commissar for Culture and Thoughtcrime describes the spectre of free speech and democracy rampant within the Un-Sovietized Internet as “quite a dangerous place” and says he wants internet-service providers (ISPs) to clamp down further on web services.

“Our state should be modelled on the wonderful freedoms espoused by the Chinese Soviet state. We have taken notes and are speaking with our Chinese comrades on how  we can clamp down on free-speech globally. Free speech is the enemy of the people. The state  is an entity that should enforce all human behaviour and control all thoughts at all times,” Commissar Burnham added whilst addressing the Westminster Duma.

Any citizen involved in anything as nefarious as free-speech will be visited by Stasi officers and taken to a gulag for a forty two year minimum sentence.

Re-education programs will also be available for all citizens who are caught utilising free speech or free thought.

The Soviet British state will not be denied from any arena and the internet, which is a dangerous tool of freedom, will now be completely taken over by the great Soviet state.

Our great supreme unelected commander in chief, Comrade Brown is itching to put the final  nails in the coffin of all humanity and will not be denied at all costs.

Commissar Burnham finished off his speech with some truly Soviet words: “There is content that should just not be available to be viewed on the internet. That is my view. Absolutely categorical. This is a campaign against free speech, you can believe that it must be stamped out  completely once and for all. We are also conversing with Comrade Obama in sector 34 and his New American Soviet administration are ready to draw up international rules for English language websites.”

There will also be an Un-Sovietized book burning ceremony in all libraries across Soviet Britain starting from tomorrow. Any proles or party officials caught with any non-Sovietized literature will simply disappear. Citizens are urged to report any suspicious behaviour from anyone  including family members.

Special commendation must go to Roger Pearson, 12, of sector 36b who reported his own mother for reading a poetry book by the un-Sovietized dangerous slime, Keats. Mrs Julie Pearson, 36, has been re-assigned to a gulag somewhere in Northern Britain for re-education.

Pope ‘Spreading Fear’ of Catholic Priests

by Bally O'Toole
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2

They usually prey on unsuspecting choir boys in the vestry, they are well known for grooming young boys with sweets and promises of Jesus’ penance.

Yes, the Catholic priests who have vowed celibacy are a threat to the worlds church congregations and must be stamped out.

“Buggery has been a tradition that the church has closely guarded for many centuries. It is strange that the Pope seems to be railing against this Catholic tradition. Catholic priests are some of the most perverse, debased individuals on this planet. I have seen some of the most degenerate deviants tremble in fear when in the presence of a Catholic priest, because they know that they are nothing compared to the priest in abhorrent deviancy,” a Vatican source told the World Priests Federation Newspaper.

The Rev Felcher Arbuthnot, vicar of St Felchinton’s Church in Putney, southwest London,
and founder of the pro-Catholic Priest Inclusive Church movement, said: “I am extremely
disappointed. This is not much of a Christmas message. This will not change
anyone’s mind. Homosexuality, paedophilia, buggery and debauchery are a church tradition which has lived on for thousands of years.”

The pope who was a member of the Hitler Jugend brigade when he was a child, is well known for conducting dark rituals within the catacombs deep under the Vatican.

“Obviously the Pope is trying to change the image of the Catholic church as a cesspit of base perverse behaviour to one of a more civilised image. I’m not sure whether this PR stunt will work. I mean look at his face. It’s a picture of evil and satanic debauchery that brings fear into everything it gazes upon,” Max Clitford told the Sun newspaper.

Merry Christmas From the Daily Squib Lapland Theme Park

by Bally O'Toole
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1
Merry Christmas From the Daily Squib Lapland Theme Park

You will be enchanted this Christmas with a visit to see the wonderful Northern Lights (some flashing lights strapped to a tree) or perhaps enjoy the company of Santa’s elves (young offenders from the local job centre wacked out on pills and cheap Aldi wine).

Visitors are encouraged to close their eyes as much as possible whilst at the Lapland theme park; it also helps if you are totally blind.

The entrance to Santa’s grotto is always caked in fresh vomit and half eaten doner kebabs and is found after a fifteen minute walk through a muddy field.

Why not get into a vicious fistfight with one of the burly security men who demand you pay an extra ten pounds to enter a tent claiming to be a bustling Christmas market but in fact houses a dodgy old man selling bricks for twenty quid each from a suitcase.

Every young visitor has the opportunity to see Santa and receive a little present from him — usually a pack of ten Benson or a mini vodka bottle.

Our authentic Alaskan Huskies (Rottweilers) are a dream and can be seen roaming their tiny kennels looking for an opportunity to rip someones f*cking arm off.

The Nativity scene is of course our best feature and you will be enchanted by a piece of painted plywood at the end of another large muddy field.

The entrance fee is only £65 per person. We guarantee that everyone in your family will have an excellent time at our Lapland theme park or your money back (you will never see your money ever again).

Daily Squib Hedge Fund Not Taking Anymore Clients

by Bally O'Toole
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1
Daily Squib Hedge Fund Not Taking Anymore Clients

As hedge funds go, the Daily Squib’s fund is up there with the greats.

“We model our hedge fund on the greats of Wall street and NASDAQ. People like Bernard Madoff and Charles Ponzi. We only take clients with a minimum of a million dollars. You ask no questions we give no answers, your money is safe with us. You can trust in us. In essence though the whole system is a pyramid scheme of course but you don’t need to bother your rich and greedy head with that. The only other thing we ask of you is that you do not ask for your money back..because we don’t have it,” Juan Tupperware, chief financier for the hedge fund explains.

Win win situation

The Daily Squib hedge fund has so far secured a staggering $56 billion of suckers money and to continue with the pretence of mystique must pretend to dissuade any more investors from joining the scheme.

“You can’t lose folks, you give us your money and we take it. There’s nothing simpler than that. We will give you a few dollars here and there to make it look like you’re profiting and you can tell your high flying big-head pals in your social clubs about how darn well you’re doing. Remember to send them over to my office too though, and make like it’s a big secret,” Mr Tupperware reiterated chuckling into his champagne glass.

Officially the Daily Squib hedge fund is not taking anymore clients although it will make allowances for anyone who is so stinking rich that they’re greed has no bounds.

Please do not send anymore of your money to: Daily Squib Hedge Fund, PO Box 666, NJ 08844, New York State, USA

School’s Egg and Knife Race Ends With Multiple Deaths

by Bally O'Toole
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0
School’s Egg and Knife Race Ends With Multiple Deaths

Amongst the fatalities at the primary school in the Hoodie district were four teachers and seven pupils who had all been stabbed to death.

“This year we’ve had less stabbings than usual. Last year we had nine teachers and fourteen pupils who were savagely stabbed to death during the egg and knife race. We may be downgraded next year by Labour’s schools Minister for this.” Joan Horton, a supply teacher who survived the race despite receiving multiple stab wounds to her buttocks and face said.

One of the parents told the BBC of her anguish on hearing news of the egg and knife race results: “My son Johnny only stabbed two this year. It’s a bloody disgrace, he ain’t fit to wield a six inch kitchen knife anymore.”

Knife play is such a part of British society these days that anyone who does not join in the fun is vilified.

Last month three pupils from Chavver Moped Comprehensive in Essex were expelled for not carrying knives into class or stabbing enough pupils to death in the playground.

Iran Can Launch Shoe Attack at Anytime

by Bally O'Toole
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3
Iran Can Launch Shoe Attack at Anytime

The figures detailing Iran’s progress were contained in a routine
update Wednesday from the International Shoe Proliferation Agency, which has
been conducting shoe inspections of the main Iranian shoe making facility at Taninocrisci. The report concluded that as of early this month Iran had made
630 kilograms, or about 1,390 pounds, of prime leather sole tanned and ready to be added to the giant attack shoe.

Several experts said that was enough for an autumn collection, but they stressed
that the milestone was mostly symbolic, because Iran would have to take
additional steps. Not only would it have to breach international
fashion agreements and kick out the shoe inspectors, it would have to further design a heel for the undersole that could cause a lot of damage if launched against Israel or America.

“They clearly have enough material for a loafer or a brogue,” said Richard Darwin,
a top shoe salesman who helped invent the ankle boot and who has
advised Washington for decades. “They know how to do the laces.
Whether they know how to design a fully functioning attack shoe, well, that’s another matter.”

Iran insists that it wants only to create shoes for its people,
but many Western nations, led by the United States, suspect its real
goal is to gain the ability to throw shoes at George W Bush’s house in Texas.

While some Iranian officials have threatened to bar shoe inspectors, the
country has made no such moves, and many experts in the Bush
administration and at the international shoe agency believe it will
avoid the risk of attempting a “mass shoe stampede” until it possesses a shoe shine kit that will keep the shoes shining like nothing anyone has ever seen before.

Even so, for President-elect Barack Obama, the report underscores
the magnitude of the problem that he will inherit Jan. 20: an Iran that
not only has solved many technical problems of shoe design but
also can credibly claim to possess enough material to make the ultimate islamic shoe weapon if
negotiations with Europe and the United States break down.

American intelligence agencies have said Iran could attack the U.S with a shoe sometime between 2009 and 2015.

Shoes Thrown at Sarah Palin

by Bally O'Toole
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1
Shoes Thrown at Sarah Palin

During a press conference promoting Governor Palin’s post-McCain plans , a woman was seen to throw a pair of shoes towards the podium where she was speaking.

The visibly distraught Governor Palin was then seen throwing the shoes back telling the woman: “Don’t throw me these cheap freakin’ dimestore shoes!”

The Alaskan Governor, who is renowned for her impeccable taste when it comes to clothes and shoes does not suffer fools gladly when it comes to wardrobe decisions.

A spokeswoman for her office later told reporters that Sarah would only accept the best Italian shoes or anything from Roger Vivier and Manolo Blahnik.

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