According to the Archbishop of Westminster, the economic downturn has brought many back to the church. “They’re coming back in droves. The unholy flock are returning. Alas, for the wrong reasons though,” Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor said. “In our church alone we’ve had 3 gold crosses, 6 silver collection plates and even the pipes from our organ removed — it’s happening all over the UK i’m afraid.”

Last week in the Cambridge parish of Reverend Felcher, church goers happily stripped the whole roof of all it’s metal sheeting and tiles leaving the church naked in the torrential rains and snows of late.

All over recession Britain, church goers have been returning to the church and taking what they like.

“We’ve never been so popular, albeit for the wrong reasons,” Arch Deacon, Lionel Paedo of St Fiddlers Church in Grimsby told the Church Times newspaper.

In an extraordinary admission about the severity of his own awful haircut, Ed Balls has come clean that its effects would still be felt
15 years from now. The Schools Secretary’s comments carry added weight
because he actually cuts his own hair in order to save on barbers bills.

Mr Balls
said yesterday: “The reality is that my haircut will probably go down as one of the worst for, I’m sure, over 100 years, as it will turn out.”

He
warned that he must be allowed special ministerial powers to “apply for more funding in parliamentary hairstyles” and increase the amount of barbers in Westminster on a
“scale that nobody believed possible”.

The minister stunned his
audience at a Labour conference in Yorkshire by forecasting that his ‘special haircut’ is in fact even more grotesque than of those in the depression of the 1930s, when male hairstyles in some cities reached 70 per cent Brylcream grease levels. He was however glad that he never opted for the ‘mullet’ style which was so prevalent in the late 70’s and 80’s.

“I appreciate my haircut is frankly offensive to many but I must reiterate the point that in these hard times of extreme recession my hairstyle is in fact rather apt,” Mr Balls said.

Philip
Hammond, the shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, said Mr Balls’
predictions were “a staggering and very worrying admission from a
cabinet minister and Gordon Brown’s closest ally over
the past 10 years”. He added: “We are being told that not only are we
facing the worst haircut in 100 years, but that it will last for over
a decade – far longer than barber forecasts predict.”

The
minister’s comments came as the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, admitted that his eyebrows are “trimmed and dyed daily by a Philippino maid he employs in his constituency lodgings”. Writing in today’s Independent, Mr Darling
said his eyebrows summed up Labour’s hair policy shift very succinctly and “definitely measures up to the preening Tory Eton-ite Bullingdon coiffed ponce toff do’s”.

Speaking from a Labour business conference honouring Mr Brown’s handling of the economy, prime minister Gordon Brown explained that he “will not tolerate anymore rewards for failure”.

No More Rewards for Failure

“I have already been honoured by my French colleague for my wonderful handling of the Global Credit Crunch. Today, we at Number Ten received a wonderful gift of thanks from the French premier. Yes my dear friends I received a token of my success — a French turnip glazed in cabbage sauce delivered in a bucket containing the finest French horse manure. It is with thanks that I accepted the gift from Monsieur Sarkozy for it is he who has recognised my extraordinary economic prowess in rescuing the world singlehandedly.”

The auditorium erupted in applause as there were calls for “more” and shouts of “Bravo Brown” and “Hail the New Era”.

“This is why I must implore the bankers and ‘fat cats’ not to reward their failure with bonuses. They should look upon my supreme example of success after saving the world singlehandedly from certain economic disaster. If it was not for my decisions we would be in a depression right now with trillions of pounds of debt hanging over our heads. With my decisions, like lowering the VAT by 1.5 pence, I have saved the British economy. This is why my success is being praised and the banking bosses failures must not be rewarded.”

Nevertheless, despite the rousing speech by Gordon Brown at the conference, banking leaders were set to give out huge bonuses to their employees with money from taxpayers bailout cash.

Banking bosses were defiant to the end. One of them had this to say about Brown’s speech: “This bailout money was given to us for a reason. We thank the taxpayer for funding our high-flying lifestyles despite us being instrumental in causing the problems you lot are in in the first f*cking place. Rest assured that we will utilise your taxpayers money for the best in prostitutes, cocaine, foreign trips, gourmet food, luxury cars and expensive property. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got an appointment with a £1000 an hour Mayfair darling and I’m going to enjoy blowing my taxpayer funded bonus all over her outstretched tongue.”