“Let’s face it, we all know David Cameron’s modelled himself on me. Look at Gordo, I’m here to tell you to vote for him and to tell you the truth I’d have a good chuckle if you do,” Mr Blair said at the planned appearance today.

Senior Labour party officials revealed that Blair asked for a six figure sum to make the ten minute appearance today which was delivered to him in a brown envelope after the photo call.

“Tony’s been in London for awhile, remember he had to attend the war crimes tribunal from which he was spectacularly cleared after his excellent performance. This is why he’s had the time to put the boot in one last time to his old ‘friend’ Gordon, who he ‘adores’ so much,” Robert Forsythe, senior Labour election campaigner told the Times.

“Each flight will have a cleric (BA accountant) making sure that all British Airways rules are adhered to at all times by the staff. There will not be anymore long-haul orgies in 5 star hotels, wild parties and large payouts for pushing trollies along an aisle. We mean business now. We will have whippings and stonings, and we don’t mean the kinky kind either” Mr Walsh said.

The Unite union were furious at the news that BA want to introduce Sharia Law into their flight rosters.

“It’s bad enough that flight attendants only get £75,000 per annum to push a trolley down an aisle and shout ‘tea or coffee’, now the useless Walsh has decided that our union members should be under Sharia Law. All BA management are doing is cutting off their nose to spite their face.” union boss, Derek Simpson spluttered, whilst attending a Labour party fund raising conference in Brighton.

Flights were said to resume yesterday after the new directives were implemented at the weekend. The bad news is that British Airways has banned all alcohol on flights, the good news is that flight attendants and passengers can still get stoned.

The so-called ‘special relationship’ is in the doldrums and this time it looks serious, British MPs have revealed this week.

First it was the bust of Churchill unceremoniously dumped by Obama when he first moved into the White House, then it was the collection of second-hand DVD’s given to Prime Minister Gordon Brown after the first brief meeting between the two leaders and after that the waterboarding incident that caused a few ripples.

“It’s not so much a ‘special relationship’ now, more like an ‘unremarkable disdain’,” the British ambassador to Washington, James Ganymede, told the Telegraph.

The ‘special relationship’ counsellor, Al Imey, was yesterday in consultation with both sides in a Washington conference hall trying desperately to bring both parties to talk to each other again.

“They’re both hogging the sheets. Like there’s no more adoring photoshoots of the kind we had with Maggie and Ronnie, or Dubya and Tony. Those were loving relationships, now we got cracked ice. Before, America would say ‘jump’ and the UK would obey, the thing is, the US doesn’t care anymore. Barry is not even saying ‘jump’, he just doesn’t say anything. I guess they’ve grown apart. Obama is into his Healthcare, and Brown is into trying to get elected for the first time,’ Mr Imey said.

Maybe the Americans could replenish their ‘special relationship’ with the British by invading another country together. There is nothing like a ‘shared activity’ to bring forth a fresh connection once again. Here’s to new invasions.