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England Manager Fabio Capello to Star in Opera Production

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“This will be a dream production, because we will have the whole of the England football team on stage acting as clowns on an imaginary pitch, and Fabio will be there as the director of the clown troupe. He is quite an amazing tenor, almost as good as the late Pavarotti,” Alan Titmunch, the production’s director in chief told the Times.

The opera will be themed in the style of a world cup match between England v Germany, and will plot the trials and tribulations of the Italian tenor trying to control and direct his clowns to perform various tasks. Most of the time the clowns just muck around but sometimes they make a breakthrough.

The opera has already caused a stir at the box office and all tickets have been sold out in less than a day.

“This is the most eagerly awaited opera we have ever staged here in Covent Garden and we must say, it is a true honour to have Mr Capello perform with such passion to the audiences,” Mr Titmunch added.

Compensation Lawyers Clean Up $20 Billion Gulf Fund

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“We have successfully cleaned up the compensation cash which was spilled by the BP suckers. We need more funds though because we’re some greedy ass motherfuckers, so BP, fork over more cash,” Billy Joe Benton, a litigation lawyer told ABC news before driving off at high speed in his $450,000 Bentley.

The lawyers said they were shocked that some of the fund somehow managed to trickle down to compensating people suffering economic losses from the worst oil spill in U.S. history.

“That BP cash spill is earmarked for our law offices only. We can’t believe some of the people who were meant to get that cash actually got it! Y’all must be out of your minds. Everyone knows we get all the cash,” Jacob Kleinstein, a senior litigator at Greed and Greed Litigation firm told Fox News.

Hillary Clinton Eats Fly Off Obama’s Face

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The president was speaking about the Affordable Care Act and the New Patients Bill of Rights in the East Room of the White House in Washington when the bluebottle fly landed on his cheek. Hillary Clinton, who was standing beside the president struck immediately and irradicated the problem fly much to the amazement of the crowd of reporters.

“She took one look at the fly which was going in and out of Obama’s mouth and she struck at it with her stretchy tongue. You see folks, Hillary has a tongue like a lizard and it was so goddamn quick we all just sat back in awe. No one even got a photo. She was standing at least three feet away and you should have seen the look of pleasure on her face when she swiped that fly with her special tongue and munched away. Obama was at first stunned, but immediately thanked Mrs Clinton for her help in getting rid of that pesky fly,” Arnold Grosspoint, a senior features editor for MSNBC reported.

There have been rumours circulating throughout Capitol Hill about Hillary’s extraordinary abilities to shapeshift – although anyone who has ever witnessed the amazing phenomenon has never been seen alive again – certainly little clues have pointed towards her other-worldly qualities.

“I was in her office on Monday morning and noticed a load of shed skin behind her desk. I think reptiles do the same thing once every few months,” Vice President Joe Biden remarked on Wednesday.

Obama to be Reprogrammed in Sleep Says Pentagon

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“Obama resembles a beaten man. He looks like he got bit by a rattle snake on his mangy ass. Moping around beaches kicking sand, mumbling a few words here and there. The boy lost his purpose. That’s why we got to reprogram him to do the job with some f*cking balls man. What happened to him? Sh*t, I seen restroom attendants with more charisma than this turkey, this is an urgent operation that has to be completed for the good of our nation. We’re a laughing stock around the world right now because of this dud,” chief programmer, Herman Fitz, told the Washington Post.

If there ever was a time for the reprogramming of Barack Obama, this is it. He seems to have run out of ideas at home as well as abroad. How long can he cling to the same limited script he was issued when he was placed into the position of president?

“Even GWB let go of the autocue for a second or two sometime during his disastrous presidency, and he was dumber than a bag of hair. This guy Obama needs to have an autocue to talk to his goddamn wife in bed! He couldn’t pour p*ss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel,” a disgusted democrat who voted for Obama, revealed on CNN on Friday.

The reprogramming of Obama is set to commence next week when Mr Fitz will conduct the mind programming operation whilst Obama is asleep in the family bedroom. The CIA operative will try to introduce some sense of charisma and courage into the ailing president’s weak placid constitution.

Mr Fitz added: “He’s eat up with sorry. Too much golf — born on a Wednesday, looking both ways for Sunday. After I reprogram him, he’ll be firing on all pistons and actually doing something useful for a change.”

Unite Airlines to Launch New Transatlantic Service

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“We’ve got a larger fleet than British Airways now and are taking over their routes,” Mr Simpson told a meeting of unionists and Labour supporters last night.

Unite Airlines currently has a fleet of 250 Boeing 737’s and some Junkers Stuka’s within their European routes. The Unite airline group hope to eventually expand to South-East Asia and the Middle East.

There has been one slight concern by passengers flying on the new airline’s planes.

“The pilots are all trolley dollies. They don’t seem to have qualified pilots, just flight attendants with a very rudimentary understanding of the controls. Then there’s the service. Well, it’s non existent. All you get is a Unite official coming round the aisles with a black bin bag of dry rolls and throwing them at the passengers. If you ask for anything else, they swear at you in strong scouse accents and go on an immediate strike. It’s worse than Ryanair and that’s saying something,” Emma Howler, a passenger on route to Guatemala told the BBC.

Flights to most destinations are not cheap under Unite Airlines either. An economy class flight from Manchester to Brussels costs in excess of £2564 off peak season. Unite says that it is necessary for the moderate cost to flights in order to pay for the golden pension schemes and perks of all Unite employees and members.

Times Disappears From Internet

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“One minute it was there, next minute it was gone. I was surfing the internet and usually go to the Times on my rounds, well I clicked on the link and there was nothing there anymore,” a baffled internet user recalled on Thursday.

All over the internet there is much bemusement over the sudden disappearance of the Rupert Murdoch owned newspaper.

“Let’s hope the Sun disappears as well,” another internet news fan said.

Apparently no one has yet had the guts to tell the old reptile, Murdoch, that his paper has vanished from the web and all the employees in News International were keeping quiet about the disappearance.

Gordon Brown Now a Kirkcaldy Homeless Tramp

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Gordon Brown is now a destitute tramp who doesn’t wash or sleep under a roof, residents of his constituency of Kirkcaldy have told the BBC.

Ever since he was ousted as PM, you may have wondered where Gordon Brown has been. Well, the answer is he has been seen moping around the streets and canals of Kirkcaldy with no possessions apart from a black bin bag and tattered book about courage which he claims to have written.

“It’s very sad indeed. After Gordon was finally booted out of Number10, he went downhill fast. He started on the booze, then his wife Sarah kicked him out for throwing stuff around and his boozed up temper tantrums. We see him daily roaming the streets shouting at people, calling old women bigots and generally showing a very bitter face to the world. Oh how the times have changed. One minute he was a high felooting Neo-Stalinist control freak being bussed around the world and country ruining the economies of Britain and the world, next he was back in Kirkcaldy, a nobody. He was a beaten man. Eventually his wife and kids could not take it anymore. All the fax machines and mobile phones being constantly thrown at them,” a fed up resident of Kirkcaldy told the BBC.

Things have been very tough for Mr Brown as of late. When he is not hanging outside the local Londis with a can of Special, he can be seen scrounging for scraps in bins and the kebab shop on the high street.

“He does get quite abusive sometimes. He keeps muttering something about saving the world. Everyone gives him a wide berth that’s for sure. If you see Gordon coming, you best get out the way or you’ll get a load of aggro. We’re hoping he moves on somewhere else, he should go back to London. Maybe he could become a fixture at the tent city in Parliament square,” Reverend Pilkington, the local vicar for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath told the KirkCow Gazette.

Americans Get to Keep Moron

“Has he gone yet? Please let the yanks take him. I don’t think I could take his smarmy obnoxious fake smile for much longer on our screens. Every channel you turn to, it’s the greasy little fucker and his saccharin simpering leer infecting your every being. Let’s face it, Pierce Moron is a dickhead of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a pair of bollocks dangling from his chin. I’m begging the Americans to take our most hated figure and adopt him into their banal talentless plastic culture of celebrity worship. It worked for him here, so why not over there?” an angry TV viewer from Hartlepool told the BBC news.

The announcement that Piers Moron had left these shores was hailed with cheers on Britain’s streets and in some areas street parties.

“We don’t have much money left anymore but we cobbled together a few things, like a cup of coffee and three week old muffin from a BP petrol station. We’re having a party today to celebrate the loss of Piers Moron. The Americans can have him, Sarah Ferguson and the oil,” Laura Bristlewaithe, a housewife from Dorset said.

Swarms of Giant Bees Attacking South African World Cup Stadiums

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“The sound of the swarming bees is deafening. No one on the pitch can hear the referee blow his whistle and no one can hear the crowd cheering. The angry African bees seem to be attracted to the bright coloured football kits of the players and the bright clothes of the fans,” a FIFA match official told South Africa’s weekly, the Soweto Telegraph.

The bee swarms have invaded all of the stadiums where every world cup fixture is being held, and a number of people have been stung by the bees.

“Being stung by the bees was nothing, it was the bloody noise they made that really hurt. I’d rather be stung on my nut sack then listen to that racket all day,” Geoffrey Alcoa, a fan who travelled all the way from Holland said.

Roger Attenberry, a naturalist filming a BBC nature program in the Kruger national park said: “One of my assistants managed to capture a few bees for my analysis from the stadium in Johhanesburg. After studying them I have identified the bees as part of the Vuvuzelus Apis genus. A particularly aggressive and noisy strain of bee that is attracted to South African football matches.”

England Goalie Outdone by American Oil Slick

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“What could he do? The slimy Americans soaked the ball in oil from the Gulf of Mexico then kicked it at Rob,” Fabio Capello, the England coach moaned at the end of the game.

According to World Cup officials, the Americans soaked the ball in prime crude oil as soon as they got onto the pitch.

“I saw the Americans get onto the pitch with a big bucket of seawater from the Gulf of Mexico. That shit’s hundred percent proof pure gasoline now. Well, then I saw one of the strikers, Clint Dempsey get the ball and stick it in the bucket,” an official standing on the sidelines claimed.

Butter fingers, Rob Green, was all slippery when the greased up ball went under him like a knife through butter.

“Let’s just say this is revenge for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico which we are blaming on the limeys,” a US sports commentator, Dan Spitzer, said on the CBS network.