“I got goosebumps all over my body when I heard Cameron talking about how much pain we were going to have to go through in the economy and everything. Ooh it was so good I asked Madam Scarlet to whip my buttocks even harder than usual,” QC Rupert Carragon, 67, told the Telegraph from the Westminster dungeon he frequents on Monday afternoons after High Court hearings.

It was certainly a bumper day for the sado-masochists of Britain as they revelled in the painful ruinous words of the PM.

“There will be much hardship ahead. I’ve looked at the figures and let me say, get your begging bowl out and your broth because it’s going to be rag time for all of you. If you’re one of the only ones with a job, get down on your knees now and start praying because we’ll soon take the rug away from your feet as well. There will be terror as we raise interest rates and everyone will have to wear adult nappies when their credit card and mortgage payments come through the letterbox every day. Oh, and it doesn’t end there my good people. We’re raising all taxes again. No biggie, just another 63%,” Mr Cameron said during his speech.

All over the country there were gasps of agony and ecstasy after the speech of doom. Some resorted to self-flagellation to celebrate, others rushed to their S&M clubs to get into their gimp uniforms and be beaten hard with whips.

Max Mosley, the former Formula 1 boss was said to be particularly tickled by the news after watching it on Sky news: “I just turned on the news and saw David Cameron talking about the many years of extreme hardship the population of Britain are going to feel. As soon as I heard that I called up my wonderful playmates who came round to my mansion and gave me a savage hiding. They even drew blood it was that good. Here’s to many wonderful years of pain, hmm, lovely.”

Mr Cameron said that his Government’s priority is to transform the
economy from a “limping wounded post-Labour casualty to a dead carcass over-taxed piece of squashed roadkill”.

Starting with action to tackle the £156 billion deficit. He
will signal an increase in all tax and red tape, and the creation of a
simpler tax system of complete taxation.

“Instead of working for 230 days in a year before you make money for yourself, as was the case under Labour, you can now work for 300 days in a year before you make any money for yourself under the Con-Dem leadership and we might throw in a bonus work day for you as well. Remember that the money you make for your hard work will go to benefits scroungers so that they can enjoy their 48 inch plasma screens and daily drugged up booze playstation 3 sessions in their 4-storey Putney townhouses,” Mr Cameron told business delegates at the Holiday Inn conference centre near Heathrow airport.