The beleaguered unelected unelectable head of the Labour government says that he will be entitled to claim his P45 on expenses as well as the cost of moving out of Number 10.

New Deal

According to high ranking Downing Street aides, the prime minister who is set to be finally ousted from his position, will claim the removal truck fees to the taxpayer.

“Gordon and his family don’t have much in the way of belongings but because of the nature of his employ, there will have to be a security escort out of Downing Street to protect the Brown’s from the baying crowds, mobs and rotten tomato throwers,” a Downing street staffer revealed to the Daily Squib.

Mr Brown’s ratings are currently the highest they have been in the polls, which is 23% lower than the worst ever polling prime minister or politician in British history.

The Tory MP, who was caught paying tax, is now the laughing stock of the House of Commons.

“He can’t show his face here anymore, everyone knows who he is. This is a shameful day for politics when even the Labour MPs are sniggering behind his back. Yesterday, when he walked into the House of Commons bar, there was total silence and everyone just looked down onto the floor and ignored the poor old blighter,” a Commons source told our paper.

According to reports, the MP even paid for his servants quarters in his third home to be furnished with his own money, as well as his moat being cleaned without the taxpayers help.

“Once this was all exposed by the Telegraph, his days were numbered in parliament. We can’t have MPs paying tax or for repairs on their mansions. He might as well start packing his bags because he’s a dead man walking,” another source said.

The internal MPs investigation unit headed by Jacqui Smith will delve into the taxing scandal and will report to the parliamentary commission tomorrow.

Sources say the entire British Royal family have been preparing for the invasion of Normandy for two weeks now and will complete their mission some time in June, although the exact date is yet to be announced.

“I got a call from Lizzie a few weeks ago, she said the midget frog bastard Sarky had snubbed her for the D-Day commemoration and that Scottish one-eyed bad-luck-merchant, who has already ruined the country enough, was going to take her place as ambassador for good ol’ Blighty. Well, she was positively fuming and ordered me to get the Royal landing craft ready. Prince Harry and William will be attacking from the air and have both borrowed some top notch aircraft from the RAF. Andrew’s going to be there too as well as Charlie boy. That French surrender monkey, Sarkozy is going to get a bloody nose over this if it’s the last thing we damn well do. We’re even going to send in a few Gurkhas to give Brown a deserved thrashing,” Colonel Saunders of the Third Regiment Light Brigade Division told the Sun newspaper.

The plan is to land on Utah beach, march up to the podium where that slimy little French man, Sarkozy, will be showing off to the Yanks and give him a bloody nose. According to palace rumours, the Queen has even requested that Sarkozy is hung up by his testicles but everyone will have to wait and see what happens.

“Once Sarkozy has been strung up, the Queen will either set Prince Harry or Princess Anne onto him. He better wish it’s the former because Anne is known for her venomous bite and her hissing, it has been said, she can make her victims run away in abject terror just from the very sound,” Colonel Saunders added.

Members of Parliament have hailed the unelected leader of the government, Gorgon Swine’s moves to install a pig’s trough in the middle of the House of Commons chamber so that MPs can conduct their business under more favourable conditions.

Liars-in-State

“This brings a new meaning to parliamentary question time. The swine will simply feed at the trough when they enter the pigs chamber. This will certainly rival the Lord Chancellor’s breakfast, as the dishonourable members all vie for the tastiest morsels which will be thrown into the trough from a slop bucket. This will be the Serjeant at Swine’s job and once he fills the trough, it’s basically a free for all. Those who don’t kick, lie, backstab, push and bite to get the best bits will be left behind — much like real life politics don’t you think?” a political commentator told the Daily Squib.

There have been further rumours circulated that the parliamentary swill session may be televised although negotiations are currently taking place with Rupert ‘Lizard’ Murdoch.

Some entrepreneurial MPs say that they would even back a public gallery opening directly above the MP swine feeding trough so that members of the public could watch the filthy proceedings from behind some reinforced plexi-glass.

“We could charge members of the public to watch us conducting business in the trough. Yes, we could charge them £10 per head to watch our snouts digging into the trough of inequity,” a Labour backbencher snorted.