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Mel Gibson in Post Production for Next Film "Lethal Mouth II"

The new movie, which will be directed by Mel Gibson, has been touted as the next big blockbuster to come from the Australian actor’s personal film production company, Foulmouth Productions.

“It’s like, going to be a great fuckin’ movie. The plot revolves around a foul mouthed racist abusive drunk who likes to punch women in the f*cking teeth. But, check this out. He saves the day, because even though he’s a sh*tbag with the personality of a moronic Christian evangelist god botherer, whilst on a day trip to a wildlife park in the Bronx, he saves a girl from a ‘pack of ni**ers’ who threaten to rape her. Then there are the jews in the movie, not only do they thieve all the money from everyone in the cast, they also start all the frickin’ wars and the strife throughout the whole film. But of course, Mel’s character comes along, he wears sandals and starts preaching the gospel of Gibson to save the day. This movie is going to break the box office, I tell you. This script has been on Mel’s mind for a very long time and finally it’s coming into fruition,” Mel’s agent, Jakob Lieberhymie, told Talent Weekly.

Mel Gibson chose to set the location of the film in his own house, sources close to the production have revealed.

“He’s been filming this movie in his own house and using people around him. At first I thought it was a bit strange but then I got used to it, much like the black eyes, the broken teeth and abuse from his drunken ass mouth,” Gibson’s estranged Russian girlfriend told CNN’s Larry King yesterday. She is set to recieve a massive six figure payoff for her role in the film before she moves onto the next dumb sucker to fleece.

Exclusive to the Daily Squib, listen to an audio excerpt from the movie: Mel Gibson’s Lethal Mouth II

Mel Gibson Going Out With Octomom?

The new couple were photographed walking around Sunset Boulevard yesterday and sparked rumours of romance.

Mel’s publicist, Smaka Mabitchup, did not confirm or deny the rumour that the couple were an item when asked by the X17 papparazzi agency.

Gossip columnists in Hollywood were speculating about the importance of such a union: “Mel already has about 15 kids, then add on Nadya Octomom’s kids and that makes about 43 between them both. I guess that was the main attraction between these two, oh, and don’t forget Mel’s millions. We all know that Octomom needs the money real bad,” Laurie Koot, editor for Hollywood Today wrote.

Octomom is so desperate for any money that she said she will put up with the violence meted out daily from serial pugilist, Gibson.

“Everything comes at a cost huh? I hear that Octomom is going to be Mel’s personal punch bag so that she can set up camp with her brood. Anything for the dollars,” one of the waiters at a restaurant attended by the two lovebirds told TMZ.

Northumberland Police Discover Location of Their Own Cafeteria

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Speaking from the Northumberland police’s headquarters, Chief Constable Sue Dim, said that she was very happy to disclose the fact that some officers have finally discovered where their own cafeteria is located in their own police HQ building.

“I’ve been here for six years now and am proud to announce that I have finally came across the cafeteria, which has eluded me and many of my esteemed colleagues for a very long time. If you go along this corridor, take a left past the sarge’s office, then take a right you can go and buy a sarnie or chip butty. Who would’ve thought eh?” DCC Dim said.

Last week, Northumberland police made another incredible discovery; they discovered that their desk computers have to switched on by pressing the power button and have to be plugged into the wall socket.

“We’re making progress every week. I hope that we someday solve a crime, or even better, catch a madman wearing bright orange clothes roaming around in full view of everyone with a shotgun,” DCC Dim told the Northumberland constabulary’s Incompetence Magazine, published tri-monthly.

Whitney Houston Eats Whole Crack Rock During CBS Early Show Appearance

“She was cooking up more than her Jamaican Jerk chicken for sure. She popped that crack rock into her mouth and started chewing like a motherfucker,” Early Show host Harry Smith said after the DEA stormed the studio during filming.

Audience members say they saw Ms Houston take the large crack rock out of her “fucked up hairdo” and pop it in her mouth. She then started to stir the Jerk chicken recipe wildly in the pot and her eyes rolled up in their sockets whilst uttering a godawful banshee squeal of ecstasy.

“She chewed that crack rock like it was a lump of sugar. I guess she couldn’t hold on. Hell, the recipe segment is only about three minutes long but she still took that rock and couldn’t even wait to go back stage,” CBS anchor, Julie Chen, admiringly quipped after the show.

Whitney Houston was arrested by DEA officers during the show and taken away still singing her hit song “I Will Always Love You”and snorting like a wild pig.

CBS received thousands of complaints from viewers later on, and have vowed to review the quality of celebrity guests that appear on the family show.

Why it Doesn’t Matter if You Miss a Call on an iPhone 4

“If I miss a call on my iPhone it doesn’t matter, because it can’t make or receive calls anyway,” Junior Velasquez, an Apple fan who queued for three days to buy the new iPhone 4 last month told Wired magazine.

All over the world millions of iPhone 4 customers are revelling in the new iPhone 4’s inability to make or receive calls.

“Maybe this is the new thing. Like owning a phone that does not take calls or let you make a call. But hey, it’s got a lot of apps on it, so that makes up for the fact that you can’t get a signal on this totally expensive must-have gadget that has obviously been rushed out by Apple,” Mr Velasquez added.

Daily Squib World Cup Offer Giving Away Free Vuvuzela CD to Every Reader

Exclusive Only to the Daily Squib

We are giving away the world renowned vuvuzela orchestra CD to every reader of the Daily Squib. To claim your FREE CD offer, just telephone the number below and we will send the album to you free of charge.

Phone: 0845 111 0000 to claim your free Vuvuzela CD (calls cost £35/second)

Listen to Vuvuzela FM, a radio station dedicated to the wonder of the vuvuzela and that should hold you over until your free vuvuzela CD arrives in the post.

The Vuvuzela Orchestra of South Africa consists of 200 vuvuzela musicians who contribute to over 800 minutes of spectacular vuvuzela compositions on the CD.

You too can relive the 2010 World Cup experience simply by putting your headphones on, cranking up the volume to 120 dB and incurring permanent hearing loss.

Oprah Winfrey Uncovered as Russian Spy

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Ms Winfrey was arrested late yesterday
evening
in the world famous Harpo studios where she films her Oprah series.

“We have detained Oprah Winfrey on suspicion of passing US recipe secrets, celebrity gossip and sob stories featuring disadvantaged families to the Russians. Things like how to make a great Pecan pie, and what Tom Cruise’s pre-show scientological exercises are. Ms Winfrey was arraigned today and will be held at an undisclosed location until we review her case,” Special agent Dean Cloggs, of the FBI told CNN.

In a statement, the US Department of Justice said that Oprah Winfrey had been living under an assumed name. Her real name is Ivana Tolstak and she hails from Kozhukhovskaya, a Moscow suburb. According to FBI files, Ms Winfrey also drinks copious amounts of vodka everyday and it is this trait that gave her away.

“We just followed the vodka trail and it led straight to Oprah. I’m not shitting you, she downs about two or three bottles of Streletskaya a day. She was caught covertly relaying sensitive information to Russian agents with the use of advanced steganography software to encrypt messages and hide information on public websites. Our agents also uncovered notes on how to interrogate her celebrity guests on the shows and don’t forget the cash we found in her luxury apartment. Yes, we found over $500 million in cash stuffed under her mattress along with launch codes for US silos holding nuclear missiles all over America. Dang, it’s a good thing we got to her before she caused all out war,” Mr Cloggs said.

Millions of Americans were in mourning today after the terrible news was revealed: “I can’t believe she was a Russkie spy. Hell, she was so nice and loving. Every day I’d watch her shows. If she’s a traitor, they should put her in an electric chair on her own goddamn show. God bless America,” long time Oprah fan, Amy Lou Dumper, from Chicago told CBS.

England Football Team Fly into Scotland for Heroes Welcome

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The disgraced England team touched down at Glasgow International airport today and were met with crowds of jubilant Scottish football fans.

“They’ve done us proud. It was a beautiful 4-1 loss and the England boys were brilliant in their defeat,” Angus McJocker, told the Daily Saltire.

There were celebrations all over Scotland and especially in Gordon Brown’s constituency of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath.

“Gordon ruined the English economy and shat all over their parliament, and now their team got buggered by the Germans in the World Cup. It’s like the battle of Bannockburn all over again,” another Scottish football fan quipped.

England Win World Cup by Beating Germany

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It was 1966/1945 all over again. After so many years of hurt, the England team finally won the world cup in spectacular style today.

The 2010 world cup has at times resembled another major historical event that occurred in the last century: when first the frogs surrendered, then the yanks turned up late and it was left up to the English to fight the krauts.

Despite the Germans having a lot of concentration in their camp and a lot of strength in their right wing, England got past their defences and dropped a dam buster into the German goal 23 minutes into the first half via Corporal Rooney.

The Germans fought back valiantly with a pincer movement that nearly breached England’s cliffs of Dover but were thwarted by the battle of Britain in midfield.

The Great Escape

German striker, Junkers Rommel got close to the English goal 38 minutes in by dive bombing a screaming Stuka shot at goal but hitting the post, then Freddy Goering attempted to drop another doodlebug on the English instead missing and slamming the ball into the crazed fans behind goal.

The second England goal, this time scored by First Lieutenant Gerrard, was a real stonker and sailed in from 150 yards coming just before half time.

Fritz, at 54 minutes into the game, flanked the Maginot line defence and invaded from the rear utlising their Panzerschreck strikers, but again were stopped dead in their tracks by the superior armour of the English. There was panic in the England team’s ranks when the Germans seemed to be getting the upper hand and England manager, Fabio Capello thought about switching sides for a second in true Italian style but decided against it at the last moment.

England scored the final goal on the 93rd minute with only a minute of extra time remaining by cracking the code with a shot from Corporal Rooney breaching the Berlin Wall, to catch his second goal.

The Germans had now lost the game, and were reduced to walking through the devastated, crater-filled, Dresden-like pitch back to the shower room for some zyklon-b refreshments.

The war was finally over and all across England people were having street parties to celebrate the momentous victory.

And then I heard the nursie call me, she said: “Hey, you forgot your meds, looks like we need to up the dose again.”

Gurgle, gurgle, blaaah!

England Manager Fabio Capello to Star in Opera Production

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“This will be a dream production, because we will have the whole of the England football team on stage acting as clowns on an imaginary pitch, and Fabio will be there as the director of the clown troupe. He is quite an amazing tenor, almost as good as the late Pavarotti,” Alan Titmunch, the production’s director in chief told the Times.

The opera will be themed in the style of a world cup match between England v Germany, and will plot the trials and tribulations of the Italian tenor trying to control and direct his clowns to perform various tasks. Most of the time the clowns just muck around but sometimes they make a breakthrough.

The opera has already caused a stir at the box office and all tickets have been sold out in less than a day.

“This is the most eagerly awaited opera we have ever staged here in Covent Garden and we must say, it is a true honour to have Mr Capello perform with such passion to the audiences,” Mr Titmunch added.